Breathing in Sequence
by b rated romance
Summary: A softer James, a lonely Bella. Sometimes you have to break in order to change, and sometimes what you think should happen isn't really what should. Lessons sometimes have to be learned the hard way. Rated MA
1. Prologue

**A/N:** I do not own anything Twilight-related. That work belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just a fan-girl.

* * *

It was strange to think that Laurent, the gentle-seeming one, had been the one attacking me. Luring me into a trap. Clearly, he'd had all of us tricked from the very beginning. I sighed to myself as I buttoned up my shirt in the bathroom of my hospital room. The sterile smell was driving me insane, I was beyond grateful to be getting out of here. I turned to look at the mirror and fluffed my hair a bit, making a face at myself in the mirror before deciding that nothing could be done so I may as well stop worrying. I opened the door and hobbled out of the bathroom with my broken leg and nearly fell over. Thankfully, Edward's cool arms encircled me long before I came near the ground and I was overwhelmed with the warm scent of his skin. My knees buckled. I blushed. It was routine now. At least I didn't have the stupid monitor to betray my erratic heartbeats anymore. I brought my eyes up to his face and grinned widely at him. His smirk was concealed, barely, as he shook his head disapprovingly at me.

Charlie had a whole set of new rules for my life now. Things like _visiting hours_. I couldn't necessarily fault him for it, and it wasn't like visiting hours stopped Edward from sneaking into my room at night, but I couldn't help but feel the urge to rebel against them. Ridiculous as it was. The days went by in a haze for the most part, school and home and Edward's "visits" and then him sneaking into my room after Charlie had gone to bed. While the routine was very much the same, Edward was not. I felt him distancing himself from me more every day. Every time I would ask what it was about, it was like I was talking to someone I didn't even know. There was nothing on his face to betray him when he lied to my face and said nothing was wrong. I would have considered going to Alice for help, except that every time I looked at her she stared at me with the saddest expression on her face. I didn't want to know what she was seeing.

It wasn't long before school let out, and despite Alice's badgering I had even gotten away with skipping Prom. Summer was muggy, filled with cloudy days and sweat-soaked shirts. Shorts and tank tops weren't even enough to keep me cool. At least the rain was warmer. I preferred this over the cold. The nights were never bad with Edward's cold body lying beside me, even if he seemed miserable there. I tried to give Edward his space, to let him work out whatever it was in his head without pressuring him. I kept our talks light and as cheerful as possible. At least from my end, his end never seemed to really offer any cheer. It broke my heart every time I saw him, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make just so he wouldn't distance himself from me simply because I couldn't be patient.

I pulled myself out of bed and stretched my arms up over my head. I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and hair, freshening myself up before heading back into my room to change into yet another pair of shorts and another tank top. I slipped on a pair of flip flops and tripped my way down the stairs. The kitchen was empty. That's the way it usually was on Saturday's, Charlie would get up early to go fishing with Billy and he would get home late. I poured myself some cereal and sat down at the table to eat. I hadn't sooner rinsed off my soapy bowl before I heard a gentle rapping at the front door. Edward. My face lit up and I dropped the bowl haphazardly into the strainer as I grabbed a towel and rushed to the door. I opened it quickly, drying my hands as I did so, and threw my arms around Edward's neck. His hand gently touched my back as he removed himself from my grasp. His face was particularly grim. I sighed and gave him a forced smile before heading back into the kitchen.

"So what would you like to do today?"

"We should take a walk." His voice was hard, he had no intention of negotiating this. I had no intention of trying to. I shrugged and put the towel on the counter before turning back to him.

"All right."

This was awkward. We stood in the kitchen for another minute, staring at each other without a word. Finally I got sick of it and walked passed him to the kitchen door.

"Coming?"


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I do not own anything Twilight-related. That work belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just a fan-girl.

* * *

We walked in silence down the path in the woods beside Charlies house. His cold hand gripped mine firmly as he lead me deeper into the woods. When we were stopped, we were perhaps a mile from the house. The fog surrounded us in a thick, damp cloud and I was overwhelmed with the urge to be closer to him. Even if just for the cool of his skin against mine. I stepped towards him. He stepped back. My eyes lifted to meet his own and he dropped my hand. Now I was confused.

"Edward?"

"Bella. Bella, we have to talk." I did _not_ like the sound of that.

"What's wrong, Edward?" My voice somehow managed to remain steady, brave. He took a deep breath.

"We're leaving, Bella."

I imitated his breathing. I could leave. This was okay.

"Now? But in another year..."

"Bella... We can't wait. It's time. We've already stretched it out too far. Carlisle is claiming thirty-three. He can hardly pass for thirty. We would have to start over soon regardless."

"All right...? I'll come with you. We'll have to think of something to tell Charlie." He stared at me, his expression cold. Distant. I froze. I was suddenly nauseous. "When you say _we_ --," my voice was flat, barely a whisper.

"I mean my family and myself."

I shook my head quickly, the palm of my hand on my forehead, trying to clear the heavy confusion in my head. His expression didn't change, he didn't get impatient.

"With- without me? What? But why? Edward!"

"Bella... You can't go where we're going. It's not the right place for you."

"With you is right for me, Edward. You can't leave."

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous." I tried to sound angry, I really did. I tried to make him realize he was being crazy. It ended up sounding pathetic.

"My world is not for you."

"Edward!" I could hardly think. I met his eyes, those lovely topaz eyes, empty and cold. It hit me then. "This is about my fucking soul, isn't it? This is about _me being human_."

His eyes bore into mine, alive all of the sudden. Within an instant, his eyes fell to the ground and his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket. I knew I was right. That's exactly what this was about.

"But you promised, Edward! You promised you would never leave me." I was starting to believe I was hyperventilating. I couldn't get enough breath, my throat seemed to be closing up on me. My eyes burned with tears that hadn't quite reached the spill point yet. My throat was on fire with my sharp breaths, the lump keeping me from speaking was growing progressively larger.

"Bella, please. Please stop. I said I would stay only as long as I was good for you. I have to go." I didn't speak. I couldn't really, not even if I'd had something to say. My knees gave out beneath me and suddenly the impact with the hard, damp ground momentarily made me lose what little breath I had.

"I don't want you to come with me." Each of his words separate and distinct. The tears were spilling. No, not spilling. Overflowing, cascading down my cheeks in waterfalls. I tried to speak, even just to scream at him to stop saying things like this, but my voice caught in my throat just behind that vicious lump and all that came out were meek little whimpers. Betraying just how weak I felt.

"It will be as if I never existed." I wondered if he had any idea who he was talking to. If he had any recollection of our relationship. That was simply absurd. I found my voice, buried beneath all the tears and half-breaths. And I screamed at him.

"I don't want you to have never existed, Edward! You can't leave me. You can't. Please. Damn it, Edward. Don't do this to me." For a moment, just a flash, I almost thought he flinched. I couldn't make myself believe that, though. Not with the way his face was completely empty, completely uninterested in my sobs or wails or bruises that I'd certainly have on my knees. "You can't do this." I muttered weakly, my voice irritated after my screams. I was heaving with the small amount of air I could get into my lungs and the wracking sobs that shook my entire body. The snot was starting to run from my nose. I curled my chest down towards my knees, wrapping my arms around my torso and gripping tightly. A hole. Such an enormous, gaping hole seemed to be forming in my chest. I felt it.

"I'm not supposed to exist anymore, Bella. I should have died a long, long time ago. You'll lead the life you're supposed to lead now. I won't be around to interfere. I won't be around to endanger you anymore."

"Endanger? Who is going to protect me, Edward!"

"I'm your only threat anymore, Bella. You won't need to be protected." I could no longer breathe at all. It was official. I was not getting any oxygen into my lungs. I could feel the hole expanding, pushing at the inside of my ribcage as if it were going to break through at any moment. It pulled at the air I was sucking into my mouth and pushed it back out with one of my quaking sobs. Nothing was in my lungs anymore. It felt like I didn't even have lungs. Just a hole. Big and deep and angry. And it was eating me alive. I could no longer feel my arms, my legs felt like they were on fire with pricks from a lack of circulation. I could see the ground in front of me, blurry and distant, but there. I couldn't hear anything anymore. I don't know if Edward was still speaking. My throat felt like it was filled with lava. I watched as the ground came closer to my face rapidly. Then there was dirt in my mouth. I felt cool arms wrap beneath my legs and around my back. I knew Edward was carrying me home. I couldn't fight him. All I could do was sob. I couldn't argue with his decision. What could I say? I had begged. He was untouchable. He was gone. I felt myself pressing against my mattress a moment later, I watched as he took all evidence of himself from my room. I felt like I was dreaming.

I was sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop Edward when he climbed out of my window without looking back at me.


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I do not own anything Twilight-related. That work belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just a fan-girl.

* * *

I peeled my eyes apart to stare into a dark, empty room. It took perhaps a millisecond for me to remember the reason I was lying in bed. That's when it hit me. Panic. Full-blown, consuming panic. He was gone. No. He couldn't be gone. It was a dream. It _had_ to have been a dream. Edward wouldn't leave.

Edward left.

The tears came again as I flung myself off the bed and tore through my room, looking for any sign of him. My mind was reeling, but somehow, it occurred to me that if he hadn't left _he would be here now._ It was dark. He was always with me at night. My eyes flew to my alarm clock, maybe it was too early for him to be here. Maybe Charlie was still awake. Eleven-thirty. Definitely too late for Charlie to be awake. _Then he really did leave._ I threw the window open and stuck my head outside, my shitty human eyes barely able to make out the empty yard.

"Edward?" My voice was barely a whisper. No response. He couldn't have left. This couldn't be happening. _This is not what's supposed to happen._ "Edward!" My voice was a little higher, but not by much.

And that was it. The empty yard, my shattered voice. That was what did it for me. I knew he was gone. I knew he wasn't coming back. I knew I had lost everything. I was a rational being. I didn't need some kind of grand show of truth for me to understand. And it was time to make a decision. I could kill myself. The thought stayed in my mind for a moment as I sank into the chair near my window. I couldn't kill myself. Edward wouldn't approve. He left, though. Did he really get a say? The tears had stopped, for that I was grateful. I couldn't kill myself. There was Charlie to think about. And Renee. Besides. What if Edward _did_ change his mind and he came back and here I was, dead? No. I would not risk missing out on that chance. So I had to live, as miserable as that sounded.

I realized my bladder was about to explode. "Time for a human moment," I muttered to the empty room as I headed to the bathroom.

I sat in that chair, staring out the window, for the rest of the night. Sunday was much of the same. Charlie noticed that I wasn't talkative and left me alone for the short amount of time he was home. That was how the entire summer went. Day in, day out. Charlie noticed that my mood gradually got worse. Every day I became less hopeful. Every day I became more distant. By the end of the summer, Charlie and I would say nothing to each other. Not because I was mean towards him and he'd gotten tired of it. Rather, because I would force a smile and mutter something comforting to him. He saw through it, and eventually he stopped asking me for it. Then there was nothing left to say.

When school started back up, it was much of the same. I said nothing to anyone anymore, and eventually they all just let me sit in silence. I took notes mechanically, I aced all my tests. I had nothing else to do with my life. It was my senior year in high school and I had nothing to live for except the smallest hope that Edward had changed his mind. My first few days back at school I would walk into the lunch room and search desperately for a sign of him or his family. There never was one. But for weeks I searched. Eventually the search became just part of my day, the disappointment only helping me bury myself in my agony further. Even Jessica had stopped talking at me. Angela would eye me in a concerned way at least a dozen times a day. I didn't even pretend anymore. I never smiled. I never spoke. I never ate. I would eat at home. When I made dinner for Charlie every night. If I didn't eat then, he'd get curious. I couldn't take eating more than once a day.

I began taking walks down the path in the woods every day. Clinging to any memory I had of him. They were fading quickly, the sharpness dissolving and being replaced by a fog of depression. I could barely remember his crooked smile. The only face I remembered with clarity was the cold stare. He really hadn't loved me anymore. I cried every time I walked through the woods, regardless of how hard I tried not to think about it. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

September came and went. Charlie had made a valiant effort to cheer me up on my birthday, and for him, I had practiced a smile in the mirror for a week. He didn't seem to hate my fake smile as much as he had before, so I took that to mean I had at least gotten it to look semi-sincere. He'd baked me a cake on his own. It was large and droopy. With purple icing. He'd looked up at me as I walked into the kitchen that morning, the butter knife smearing icing onto the cake halting mid-stroke.

"You like purple, right?"

He'd invited Billy and Jacob over. He'd asked them to bring some people from the reservation over, which they did. Quite a few people. There were paper streamers all over the living room, all a light lavender, along with balloons that Charlie had blown up himself. They got stepped on quite a bit and ended up popping for the most part. It was a sweet gesture though. One of the ladies from the reservation brought another cake, one that wasn't lop-sided, and I gave her one of my practiced smiles. When Jacob walked in the door, later than everyone else, I smiled my first real smile since Edward left. He strode over to me and the closer he got, the more I realized he'd shot up by what I estimated to be a full foot. He scooped me up into his large arms and pressed me to him, my feet dangling six inches off the ground. I yelped a little and his laugh echoed all through the house. I could feel it rumble in his chest. He was so _warm._ I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing him back. He buried his nose against my neck and inhaled the smell of my hair.

"You don't smell like strawberries anymore, Bella." I smiled into his shoulder and shrugged. The longer he held me up like this, the less difficult it was for me to get used to it.

"I prefer flowery smells more, now. Don't you like it?" His booming laughter shook through my chest again.

"I like the way you smell, Bella. Strawberries or flowers or horse crap." Even I chuckled. I heard the rest of the room laugh as well and I realized they were all staring. I became uncomfortable and Jacob immediately noticed me stiffen. He set me down, carefully, making sure I didn't fall over backwards.

The rest of the 'party' was very sweet. Charlie had really tried with this. He got me an iPod for my birthday, and I thanked him heavily. Someone had turned music on and not long after, I noticed people covering the table with all different kinds of food. Fish-fry, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken. I walked into the kitchen in search of Charlie and found him behind some of the women from the reservation who had taken over his kitchen. He was moving behind them awkwardly, repeatedly asking if he could help. They had apparently grown tired of answering seeing as how they no longer responded. He crossed his arms and stood there, refusing to move. They flowed around him easily and his expression clearly stated he had expected to at least have become a bother that they would have to assign a task to just to get out of the way. With a sigh, he seated himself at the table and stared longingly at the food. I walked over and he immediately stood up, looking uncomfortable and muttering something about how he felt useless.

"Dad?" He looked up at me, startled to hear me speak.

"Bells." I half-smiled at him and walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and giving him the most firm hug I could muster. He was taken aback at first, but it didn't take him long to wrap his big bear arms around my shoulders and hug me back, resting his chin on my head. I fought back tears.

"I just wanted to say thank you for the party. It's really nice." He cleared his throat, one arm leaving my shoulders so he could rub his hand over his face. Was he crying?

"No problem, Bells. It's nice to see you happy again."

October.

November.

December.

January.

_Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but passes it does. Even for me._


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N:** I do not own anything Twilight-related, as we all know that belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I just have an over active imagination.

Also, I'm thinking about starting to submit a single song with every post. Whatever it was I was listening to when I wrote it. I usually have a song or a single artist on repeat. Usually it's only one song. I'll go back through & edit the other posts. The song for this chapter:

_Snow Patrol_ x **Set Fire to the Third Bar**

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In some distant part of my mind, I noticed the months passing gradually. It wasn't something that really changed my daily activities, I didn't feel like I was missing out on life in some way. I simply existed, waiting for something better to happen. Waiting for Edward to change his mind.

I found my walks through the woods got longer and longer, and gradually, I cried less and less. By January I was walking through the woods tearless and starting to find myself more than three or, even some days, four miles from the house. I never got scared the way I would have before I met Edward. Somehow, even knowing Edward had said that there were other things as dangerous as he was out here, I found myself unimpressed. I'd befriended a family of vampires, what was I really to be frightened of?

It was particularly frosty as I trumped through the woods in mid January. I had on a hoodie and a jacket and somehow, I was still cold. I was grumbling to myself about the miserable weather when my mind wandered to Jacob. He had been so warm, so welcoming and comfortable. Charlie had made repeated statements about how I should visit Jacob, all of which I would repeatedly dismiss saying I had no interest in being around anyone. It was true. Every Saturday Charlie came home and mentioned how Jacob had asked about me, how his eyes lit up whenever Charlie mentioned me. It grew tiring. I didn't particularly care to hear about a boy I'd known for most of my life clearly falling into some kind of dead-end crush with me. It was the last thing I wanted to consider. I pulled my hands out of my pockets and lifted my hood up over my head, hoping that somehow it would help keep me warm. I considered turning around and heading home to the warmth of the kitchen, but I knew I didn't really want to be there. I would walk in, warm up and immediately regret not finishing my walk. The wind seemed to be picking up quite a bit, the bare tree branches rustling and scraping against each other. There was distinct, sharp movement to my left. I lifted my eyes and turned to look. Nothing.

The same movement to my right. I turned my gaze. Nothing.

The movement once again to my left, a short, blurred line speeding past me. I stopped, perplexed and turned around slowly, scanning the area carefully. Everything was so dead. White and grey, some icicles glittering with fragments of light. I finished my rotation, just about to face onward once more, when I saw it. The glowing orage moving carefully, slowly along behind me. Mimicking my turns. I knew that orange.

"Hello Victoria." My voice didn't falter. I wasn't afraid. Grateful, maybe; but not afraid.

"Hello, _darling._" Her voice was a melody, picking at my memories and pulling the pain from my ribcage and out into my throat. She was aggravating the hole on my chest. The hole I had to fight against every night when I lay alone in bed. The hole that caused me to desperately attempt to hold myself together by furiously gripping my shoulders. Much as she was doing now.

Her cold touch didn't frighten me. She turned me to face her slowly. _Let's not startle the human._

"You don't need to be brave, _Bella._" She was leaning forward, her face parallel to mine, inches from my skin. Her lips grazed against my ear.

"I'm not being brave, Victoria." I wanted to tell her I couldn't really care less, that I'd like for her to just get on to ripping my throat out now. But something told me she wouldn't appreciate that. Her boyfriend certainly hadn't appreciated it when I didn't beg for my life. Something told me that she wanted to feel like she was intimidating, like she was striking fear into my heart. Something she could proudly throw into Edward's face. _She wanted him to think he had to avenge me._

Her face pulled back slightly, so she was looking directly into my eyes. I studied her own, bright red. Lovely red up close, really. She was curious, wondering why I didn't seem to find my current situation dangerous at all. For a long moment she stared, and I wondered if somehow she could see into my soul. Could she feel my torment?

"You do know I'm here to kill you." It wasn't a question.

"Yes." I answered her anyway.

"And still you are not afraid?" She hadn't moved from her position. Her breath wafted across my face and I reveled in it. She didn't smell as good as Edward. I shrugged.

"You can't take anything from me that I have any attachment to, Victoria." This statement seemed to startle her, she stepped back, releasing my shoulder. For a moment I didn't notice that her expression was not brought on by my statement, but rather by a firm, white hand gripping her hair. I leaned to the side so slightly it was barely noticeable, trying to catch a glimpse of the person interrupting our talk.

He was beautiful, standing behind her with a ferocity in his eyes that could only be rivaled by the fear in her own eyes. My rescuer pushed her down onto her knees, still gripping her hair, and looked directly into my eyes. There was something different about him, and it didn't take me long to realize that his eyes were not the color they were supposed to be.

Green. The loveliest shade of green I had ever seen. Emerald, for the most part, with flecks of gold and forest green to contrast them. The single most stunning eyes I had ever looked into.

"It's all right, Bella. I'm here now."

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**Ending Notes:** Also, I've noticed I have a few people with this story on Alerts. I just wanted to say thank you and I hope you're enjoying the fic. You're welcome to leave any and all comments. Ideas, thoughts, critiques, song suggestions, whatever. : ) I look forward to hearing from you.

And for those of you who have already commented, I really appreciate it. It was the little bit of encouragement I needed to write this chapter. :D


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N:** hi! So I've been getting some more comments and I just wanted to say thank you so much! It made me excited to post this chapter (and so soon!). I have a lot of free time right now, so I can pump out the chapters so long as I'm in the mood to write. I hope that's good news to everyone. ;) I wasn't quite sure how to go about this chapter, and the next one might be a bit awkward as well - but that will pass (and I might even have the next one put up today as well). This is all part of the story that I'm just kind of trying to get done, you know? So we can move onto better things. Anyway, this is an enormous A/N now and I'm sorry for rambling. :D Reviews keep me excited. Just sayin'.

_Placebo_ x **Days before you came**

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My breath hitched in my throat and I felt my knees wobble. I very nearly felt I was going to faint, standing there gaping at his lovely face. For a moment, I forgot about everything else. I forgot about Victoria, I forgot about school, I forgot about Charlie and Jacob. _I forgot about Edward._ His smile lit up his whole face. Watching it gradually pull his full lips up triggered something in my stomach. It fluttered up into my chest and squeezed it's way into my throat and my own mouth imitated his. In the strangest way, I felt like there were butterflies exploding out of the hole in my chest. I felt like he could see this all happening and suddenly my face was on fire. His eyes followed to stain of blush as it reached out past my cheekbones and touched my nose and probably even my forehead.

"Bella." His voice was barely a whisper, as if my name had escaped his lips without his permission. I licked my own lips nervously as I nodded lightly in his direction. I couldn't speak. He continued. "I want you to keep your eyes on my face, all right? I don't want you to look anywhere else until I say so." Curious. I nodded again. Regardless of how curious that request made me, it certainly wasn't hard to do as he'd asked.

His features were almost gentle, the hard muscles of his over six foot tall body disguised beneath skin that looked more tender than any vampire I had ever seen. There was an air of softness to him that I couldn't explain. His blond hair seemed to be almost brown at the roots. Almost. He kept it short, trimmed neatly against his skull. I studied his face carefully and his eyes never left mine. I could see his shoulders rolling, I knew he was doing something to Victoria. I didn't figure it was pleasant. I kept my eyes trained on him. I noted the light stubble that covered his jaw. He really was quite stunning. Within a moment his shoulders relaxed and he turned to face me completely. The breeze blew softly and I caught the far-away smell of something burning. It was rank.

The palms of his hands dragged down his jeans, wiping something off. It was then that I noticed, for the first time, that he was shirtless. I knew I shouldn't stare but I could not control my eyes as they dragged up and down his chest. The deep curving lines that outlined his muscles, the balls of his shoulders and the veins in his arm. I shivered gently, not sure if it was the cold or my view. He stepped towards me, the smile on his face had faded but his gaze remained gentle. Concerned. One hand outstretched, palm up, offering me to come closer. My feet moved without my direct permission and my right hand reached out to lay lightly into his palm.

His skin was cold, but for once it wasn't a harsh kind of cold. His right hand reached up to push the hood off my head, tucking some of my hair behind my ear as he did so. His voice was a whisper once again.

"You're all right? Did you see anything?"

For the first time since he'd shown up, I found my voice. I was suddenly impacted with everything at once. Victoria's attack, his rescue, his presence.

"James." I let out a weak cry and flung myself into his arms, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and sobbing. His actions were instantaneous as he slipped an arm around my back and snaked one beneath my knees and lifted me into his arms. I just sobbed, uncontrollably and, if I were being honest, I didn't really care to stop. Even though I knew, quite literally, _nothing _about James, I knew he was safe. Despite Laurent's tricks to get us off his own trail by having us think James was the threat. Despite how he'd managed to sneak up to both Victoria and I without either of us having the slightest idea. Despite how he'd clearly been in these woods for weeks, not revealing himself to me once. Even though that should all have frightened me, it didn't. He had stepped in when my life was at risk, regardless of how little I cared, and he had protected me. I owed him at least the chance to be trusted.

Suddenly it occurred to me that chances were he had been watching over me all this time. Chances were, he'd been keeping secret not because he didn't want to show himself to me, but because to do so would be to reveal himself to Victoria. Thereby forfeiting any surprise. I clung to him impossibly tighter as he carried me back in the direction of Charlies house. I heard, rather than felt, him stop and reach for something before picking up his pace again. He was careful not to startle me with sudden movements. I found myself appreciative of that. His brisk pace was the only thing that I knew for certain he wasn't careful with, probably because he knew I couldn't feel it. Having my face buried in his chest and blind to how quickly the woods were falling behind us made the trip easier. I panicked for a moment about him just waltzing into Charlies yard with me in his arms until I realized it was Saturday. Charlie, as usual, was off fishing.

My sobs slowed gradually once he had seated himself upon a large rock, cradling me protectively. He'd stayed a few yards into the woods, keeping out of sight from the road or even the house. Rocking me gently and making soft humming noises in his throat to calm me, he didn't say a word. Eventually I released my death grip around his neck and wiped my face relatively clean with the sleeve of my hoodie. My breathing was leveling out when I finally looked up into his eyes again. I still couldn't believe how magnificent his eyes were.

"Are you better now, Bella?" I flushed sheepishly, suddenly self-conscious of my ridiculous outburst. His thumb grazed my cheek, his cool touch soothing the hot blush.

"I - I think so." A hiccup in my breathing made me sound less in control than I really was. I sighed and nodded.

"I'm sure you would like an explanation to all of this."

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**Ending Notes: **Let me know what you thought! Any suspicions, ideas, thoughts, suggestions, song recommendations, etc. :D


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N:** I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the reviews I got for that authors fake-out chapter. :) Thank you guys! And, so as promised, here's the next chapter!

The two songs I listened to while writing this:

_Stacie Orrico_ x **Bounce back**

_Feist_ x **I feel it all**

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Recap:

_My sobs slowed gradually once he had seated himself upon a large rock, cradling me protectively. He'd stayed a few yards into the woods, keeping out of sight from the road or even the house. Rocking me gently and making soft humming noises in his throat to calm me, he didn't say a word. Eventually I released my death grip around his neck and wiped my face relatively clean with the sleeve of my hoodie. My breathing was leveling out when I finally looked up into his eyes again. I still couldn't believe how magnificent his eyes were._

_"Are you better now, Bella?" I flushed sheepishly, suddenly self-conscious of my ridiculous outburst. His thumb grazed my cheek, his cool touch soothing the hot blush._

_"I - I think so." A hiccup in my breathing made me sound less in control than I really was. I sighed and nodded._

_"I'm sure you would like an explanation to all of this."_

* * *

"You could say that, yeah." My voice was steadier now. I crawled off his lap and waited for my footing to steady upon the ground before I glanced towards the house. "But perhaps we should go indoors."

James didn't argue as he stood up and followed me to the front door of the house and up the stairs into my room. I seated myself on my bed, pulling my legs in so I was sitting indian style, and eyed him as he sat in the rocking chair across the room. He cleared his throat and let his hands rest in his lap. I raised my eyes to look at his face and met those piercing green eyes for the longest moment I think I've ever experienced.

"Would you like to ask the questions or should I just start at the beginning?"

"The beginning sounds good."

"All right, then." He took a long, unnecessary breath and leaned back in the chair. He began rocking softly, watching my face closely.

"I'm sure you remember the first day we met. I was traveling with Laurent and his lover, Victoria. We heard your old friends playing baseball and thought it would be quite a bit of fun if we could join. As soon as Laurent caught wind of you, I'm afraid that is where everything went wrong. Laurent was brilliant, in the worst way really, and had never had a problem getting what he wanted. The moment he saw your friends react so possessively towards you, it was a challenge to him. When he said he wanted to hunt you, I left. You were clearly important to your friends, I wasn't about to make any enemies. I started trying to find you, so I could warn you. I was having terrible luck with that, so I switched then to trying to find your family. It didn't take me long to realize they were watching me and once I realized that it occurred to me that Laurent had probably sent them on my trail as a distraction. So I tried to find you, hoping that you would be more sympathetic to my side of the story. I could never catch up to you without your family. By the time I'd discovered Laurent had tricked you, he was dead and you were in the hospital.

"But I knew Victoria would come after you. You don't separate a vampire from it's lover. So I stayed here in Forks, watching over you from a distance. I waited for her to make her move. I couldn't alert you to my presence because it would alert her. She had kept as close of an eye on you as I did. I had to risk you not knowing, even though I was terrified you would think it dishonest. Everything else, I suppose as they say, is history. I wasn't hunting you, Bella. Quite the opposite. You have to believe me."

I watched his face closely the entire time he spoke. His eyes never wavered, never left my own. His honesty was palpable. I sighed to myself and nodded. What was there to say? There was a long moment of silence, I suppose he was waiting for me to speak. I mulled the entire situation over. He had stayed behind to protect me. He knew I was still in danger, even when the Cullens didn't. For that, I suppose I was grateful. If it weren't for him, I'd be dead. For the first time in a few months, I wasn't sure if being dead was what I had wanted. I laid back on the bed, my legs still crossed, and rested my head upon my hands.

"Why are your eyes green instead of red or topaz?" The question came out suddenly, without any real thought on my part. But there it was, hanging between us.

"I am... ancient."

"Ancient? You mean like the Volturi?" His chuckle startled me. I lifted my head to look at him, the genuine amusement plain on his face.

"Much, much older than the Volturi, Bella."

"I thought they were the oldest."

"They certainly think they are." Now I was even more curious. I sat up again, stretching my legs out and letting them hang casually off the side of my bed.

"Tell me." His smile was soft as he leaned forward in the chair, the rocking forgotten.

"As far as I know, I am one of the first fifteen vampires ever created. I was turned in the early 4 BC." I knew my eyes became enormous. Four BC?

"_How old__** are **__you?"_ His chuckle returned, along with a gentle shrug.

"I have stopped counting, Bella. You're welcome to calculate and tell me, but it has become of little interest."

"Keep going."

"Well, those of us that were created originally have... evolved differently. The same way animals adopt traits to help them survive in environments, so we have. My eyes remained the same color as my human form simply because for the first few hundred years I was alive, I drank nothing except pure blood. Pure ancient blood. To be simple, I drank no human blood until I was well over six hundred years old. I turned no one until I was over a thousand. The blood coursing through my veins is that of the purest of all vampires. Of the originals.

"There are only five of us left. To be truthful, I am one of the most powerful creatures that walk this planet. _I can kill someone from across the room without even touching him._ There is no limit to my abilities, however, I choose to keep this mostly a secret. I let those like the Volturi assume they are the oldest and most powerful simply because it suits me. I have no desire to control other vampires or take over all of the humans. I simply am waiting out my time here."

I was shaking my head repeatedly, my palm pressed to my forehead again. I had tried to imagine how much power it took to kill someone without even coming near them. That was my first mistake. Then I imagined what it was like to live as long as James has lived. The numbers baffled me and immediately I had a migraine. I felt the cold of his skin before I even realized he had moved. He slowly seated himself beside me on the bed and lifted my chin with a single finger until I was gazing into his eyes. I stopped breathing.

"I think perhaps now is time for a break. And also, for you to have some lunch." He stood and extended a hand out to me. "Come, we will get something for you." I stood, taking his hand and following him downstairs. I was surprised when he led me straight passed the kitchen and out the front door. He stopped almost suddenly and turned to me, an expression similar to sheepishness upon his charming face. "Might I drive your truck, Bella?"

* * *

**Ending Notes:** I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. It was a little difficult for me to write, seeing as it's all "history" and whatnot. I want to get on to the exciting stuff! Also, I know that the whole "ancient" thing might feel a little far fetched to some of you, but it ties in later on in the story and I hope it at least sounds reasonable? Don't forget, I'd love to hear some ideas or thoughts or more song suggestions! Reviews inspire me. :D While I'm thinking about it, thank you **rebelwilla** for that song suggestion (Stacie Orrico), it was a wonderful suggestion!


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N:** So, as I said at the end of last chapter, it was rather hard for me to write. I find chapters like that boring (and it probably made the writing boring). So, needless to say when I finished writing it, I was ready to just close down the browser and move on with my night. Until I received a review from, yet again, **rebelwilla** suggesting another song. My curiosity got the better of me, and I looked up & listened to the song immediately. Because of that song, I am here now, half an hour after writing/posting my last chapter, writing the next one. So you can all thank her if you're at all glad the chapter is up. lol. :D i hope this one is better!

_Fefe Dobson_ x **We went for a ride**

* * *

After realizing I didn't even have my keys on me, I ran upstairs and changed my clothes quickly, grabbing my purse and keys and flinging myself back down the stairs. I was strangely excited at the prospect of going to get some food with James. I scribbled a short note to my father about going out for the night with a friend, knowing he'd be pleased I was socializing, and left it on the fridge for him. I flew out the front door and nearly collided with a very patient, suddenly fully clothed, James. His grin spread across his face as he saw my different outfit and, I'm sure, my frantic expression. I flushed and looked down, using the task of digging for my keys as an excuse. Shoving them at him, I shot him a quick half smile and walked to the truck, getting in the passenger side door and hoping my raging blush would subside shortly. He calmly walked around the truck and got in, buckling his seat-belt and looking at me with an odd expression until I realized I hadn't done so. When I did, he seemed pleased enough to start the engine and fiddle with the radio until something I vaguely recognized as Beethoven came out of the speakers. He slipped the truck into reverse and easily maneuvered it out of the driveway.

He didn't drive like Edward used to. He was calm and didn't seem to have any need for excessive speeding. He took care to abide by the traffic laws and speeding limits and I simply could not express how grateful I was for that. Not even if I wanted to. It was getting close to four o'clock and I was wondering where we were going when the comfortable silence was broken. His voice was soft, delicate in the air between us.

"I was thinking perhaps we could go up to Port Angeles? There is more of a selection there, and I'm sure you don't want the entire town noticing that you're out with a strange man and having it get back to your father." I hadn't even thought of that. His presence did odd things to me. Or perhaps it was simply how I was finally stumbling out of the hazy depression I have been in for so long that was leaving me, in essence, dazed and confused. I found that it was hard to think around him, as if I was wading through fog that had actual weight to it and clung to me. I nodded and turned back to the window. I watched as the road flew behind us. I remained quiet but it was far from incommodious or awkward. The symphonies that played from the speakers were soothing me into a calm state of mind as we entered Port Angeles. Parking with ease, James got out of the truck and walked over to my side to open the door. I expected, at most, his hand waiting to help me out and was surprised when his cool fingers curled around my sides and simply lifted me right out of the truck and placed me down beside him. Dangerously close to him. I let my gaze linger on his chest, on his partially opened button-up shirt, on his neck, on his lips. When I met his eyes, I realized he had probably been doing something very similar to me.

"Shall we?" He was so close that as he spoke his breath cascaded across my face. A feeling of familiarity washed over me and I knew exactly why. His breath smelled very much like Edwards. To my surprise, it didn't bother me. It didn't trigger any waterfalls of tears or emotional breakdowns. My breath hitched slightly, overwhelmed with the scent, but picked back up shortly thereafter. He didn't wait for my permission as he took my hand and led me down the sidewalk towards a quaint little Thai restaurant. We walked in and were immediately seated near the back, in a cozy little booth. The waitress took our drink orders, two Cokes, and walked off without saying much at all. Apparently James seemed more normal to everyone than Edward ever had. While he gave off an air of being dangerous, he also seemed completely at ease, which in turn relaxed those around him and made that light flavor of danger something you simply didn't think about.

When I finally looked down at the menu, I realized that none of the titles were in English. In fact, neither were the descriptions. I looked up at him in panic but he was simply smiling at me.

"I think, perhaps you would like the Satay Gai, which is a chicken satay with peanut sauce. It has a delicious peanut sauce and many spices, none of which too strong, along with some coconut milk." He glanced up to me after reading, in English, what the menu described. I nodded softly, not really having any complaints about it. It did sound rather good. The waitress returned shortly and James smiled up at her. Gesturing to me he said "She will be having the Satay Gai with a side of white rice and I will have the Larb Gai, please." The waitress wrote everything down quickly and nodded at him, taking our menus with a light smile and walking off.

"Larb Gai?"

"A spicy chicken salad with toasted rice."

"You're going to eat it?"

"Of course."

"But... but I thought you _couldn't _eat?" His laughter was louder than it had been, but it radiated from him and I found myself grinning stupidly while I watched.

"Your friends cannot eat, no. I can. As I said earlier, there are just some things that, as an ancient, I am able to do simply because of adaptation. Your old friends could eat, yes, but they would end up regretting it later with intense nausea. I do not have that problem. I can consume all forms of human food, but it does nothing for my body. I get no nutrients out of it, but I lead a much less conspicuous life and find that I fly under the radar with a lot more ease than most."

For the rest of the meal, which was really rather fantastic, we chatted comfortably about nothing in particular. Movies, books, music. James never mentioned Edwards name and we didn't talk about how he'd essentially stalked me for the past few months. We didn't talk about how he'd clearly been witness to my depression. He didn't pressure me to talk. I watched silently, a bit in awe, as he ate easily. We had something called fried ice cream for desert and I loved it. When we left the restaurant, it was twilight. James held my hand as we walked back to the truck and he opened the door for me once again.

The ride home was worse than I expected. Mostly because I was afraid of parting, which was a little odd for me to admit to. I found having James around came easily to me. Everything was natural, familiar. I enjoyed having him around. Maybe it was because he reminded me of what I lost, maybe it had something to do with how the longer I was around him, the smaller the hole in my chest became. Perhaps it had something to do with the way he spoke, always careful to choose his words and never be rash. It could have been a lot of things, but mostly I think it was simply because James made me feel like I wasn't dying. He eased the pain in my chest and he held my hand and he made me feel like I had my old life back. Just for a little while.

I wanted to keep driving, under the cover of the darkness just slip away. Not stop until we were far away from Forks and responsibility and my old memories. Just drive into the night and never look back. I held my breath at the red lights, hoping it would never change and we'd sit there at the intersection for hours. I did not want to go home. I didn't really want to go anywhere. I just wanted to go. To stay in the warm confines of the truck with his cold fingers entwined in mine between us on the seats. Alone. At peace. I think James knew somehow, because he drove slower on the ride home. Or maybe he wanted it too.

We pulled into the driveway of my house nonetheless. James slid out and stayed behind the shield of the truck as I slipped over the seat and got out the drivers' side also. Charlie would wonder. James grinned at me as I nearly toppled over forwards as I climbed out, steadying me with his hand. I stood there awkwardly for a moment, just looking up at him. I desperately wanted him to stay close.

"Would you stay with me tonight, after Charlie goes to bed?" I blurted. I froze, shocked at myself, and covered my mouth with my hand. His smile ate up his face for the hundredth time tonight as his finger slipped between my hand and my nose and pulled my hand away. He leaned down and kissed my palm.

"I'll be at your window as soon as he shuts his eyes tonight."

* * *

**Ending Notes:** Okay, this is important! Let me know what you think, okay? :D


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Wow, guys! The response to that last chapter was great. :D It really had me excited and even though it's only nine in the morning, and I have an appointment that I need to leave for at 11, I'm here writing chapter seven! See what happens when I get reviews? lol. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this - though I will say there is no smut. Sorry babes. :( Onto a better note, here's the song I have on repeat for this chapter:

_Sufjan Stevens_ x **A good man is hard to find**

Oh, and I was thinking about creating a playlist of some kind with all of these songs. Would you guys want that? So you could listen as you read~~

--

I walked through the front door and found Charlie sitting on the couch, his hand contentedly upon his belly with a beer in his other hand. His eyes were glued to the television, some sports program or other. I shut the door behind me and hung up my jacket before meandering into the living room behind the couch.

"Hey, dad."

"Bells! How was your night?" He turned slowly, clearly not wanting to miss his show but feeling a fatherly responsibility.

"It was all right. Just went to dinner with a friend. We had Thai." Charlie nodded, peering at the screen through his peripheral vision.

"That's good, that's good." I took the hint.

"Okay, dad. Well, I think I'm going to go up and get around for bed. I'm kinda beat."

"All right, Bells. Good night."

"Night."

I walked up the stairs slowly, careful not to reveal any eagerness to be in my room. I gathered up my bathroom stuff and headed down the hall. Turning the hot water on in the shower, I brushed my hair out and slowly and hopped in. The shower was wonderful. The hot water ran across my skin soothing all my muscles and easing out the anxious feeling that was overwhelming me. I washed my hair slowly, massaging my scalp and prolonging the shower. It would be a few hours before Charlie went to bed, so I could afford to waste some time. I mulled over everything I had spoken to James about throughout the day. He hadn't gone into a whole lot of detail about what being an ancient really was and I was curious. He'd mentioned "pure blood" and the concept was a bit confusing to me. Did he mean something similar to a bloodline untouched by, say, another race? That sparked a different idea entirely. Edward had said that everyone smells differently, and I began to wonder if it was something like a mixture of spices. And if the different races were a certain spice that a vampire could smell in a persons blood. That sort of made sense. It would be a reason that everyone smelled differently. It would also be a method of an ancient being able to tell who was a pure blood. "_For the first few hundred years I was alive, I drank nothing except pure blood. Pure ancient blood._" Pure ancient blood? _He drank the blood of other vampires?_ The thought struck me as odd, perhaps because I'd never considered drinking the blood of vampires to be a way to survive. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that's what made the ancients so different from the rest of the vampires. And since they were so different, it occurred to me that _everything _might be different. Did James struggle to refrain from killing me? Was he capable of the things some of the Cullens had been capable of? Could he read minds or see the future? I realized I still had quite a few questions.

I began to think about how long he'd been alive. Every time I thought about it, the sheer endlessness of it made my head hurt. One day I would have to sit down and calculate how long he has been alive. Just to satiate my curiosity. I rinsed off, noting that the water was cooling down rapidly, and shut the water off. I brushed my teeth and finished up in the bathroom, wrapping the towel around me tightly and slipping into my room to change. Pulling on my typical pajamas, I grabbed a book from the pile beside my bed and laid down, opening up to a bookmarked page to read.

**JPOV**

I was sitting on a branch a few yards into the woods beside the Swan house, my legs dangling idly off the branch, when I saw movement in Bella's bedroom window. I knew she had just exited the shower, I could hear the water running and the sports show still on downstairs, so I made sure I was looking in the other direction when I became aware of the towel wrapped around her tightly. Don't need to add peeping tom to my list of creepy things I instinctively do around Bella Swan. I let the back of my head rest against the trunk of the tree and peered up between the branches to the cloud-shrouded night sky. Focusing in on one point in the sky, I felt my eyesight intensify and then it happened, one of my favorite parts about being what I was. I could see through the clouds. Not the way people say Superman can see through walls or anything, it was simply a matter of looking hard enough. The clouds were still there, thick and heavy with un-shed moisture, but the same way you can see what is hiding inside a shadow I could see the stars hiding behind a mask of rainclouds. I wondered if Bella had ever thought about joining her old friends in the lives they had. Admittedly, I could not understand why Edward hadn't changed her. _She would be so much safer._ The thought alone had been nearly enough to have me reveal myself to her weeks ago, despite Victoria. However, it wasn't my choice. And clearly Edward hadn't taken it upon himself for a reason, perhaps Bella simply did not want to become a vampire. She had every right to decide that. That, put simply, was the only reason I didn't reveal myself so I could offer. If she hadn't wanted it, then I would have fouled up the entire secret watchman plan.

I remained in the tree, staring up at the stars until I heard her fathers heavy footsteps go up the stairs, into the bathroom and then into his own room. I heard rustling that could only be clothing before I heard him stomp "quietly" down the hallway to peer into Bella's room. Soft murmurs of goodnights came from the house and he walked back down the hall to his own room, the squeaking of the mattress informing me he was in place. I dropped myself carefully from the tree, the last thing I needed was to leave a aperture in the ground that Charlie wouldn't be able to explain. I bolted across the yard quickly, stopping directly beneath Bellas window. I flicked the smallest of pebbles delicately up towards her window and waited with my hands clasped behind my back. I made a decision to not frighten her with my enthusiasm to be around her just before she appeared at the window, flinging it open. There was a dainty smile tugging at her lips as she leaned out the window, her hair falling into her face. I caught wind of her scent and I was done for. Her smile, her hair, her scent. The grin erupted on my face and there simply was no hiding it. I was ecstatic to see her and she couldn't possibly ignore it. I leaped up to her window, grabbing the top of the frame to keep myself there as I planted my feet on the bottom. I remained in my crouched position until she processed that I was there, waiting for her to step aside so I could come in.

"Bella." My voice sounded breathless, though I certainly had no reason to be breathless.

"James." The amount of willpower she had to use was clear in her voice, she was just as enthused as I was. I chuckled to myself and stepped inside. She was only a foot or two away from me, completely within arms reach. I debated for a moment how she would react if I swept her up into my arms and crushed her to me. I watched her face closely as I stepped towards her by a few inches. Her eyes lit up as they lifted from my shirt to my face and that was all the encouragement I needed. I wrapped my arms around her small frame and lifted her off her feet as I hugged her to me, even going so far as to let my fervor take over and spin us both around in the middle of her bedroom. It was silly and stupid. She giggled quietly into my neck. I did it again.

--

**Ending Notes:** Okay, so I know the AN says that I started this yesterday, which is true, and it was nine AM. However, I got stuck at the end of Bella's POV and I couldn't break that before I had to get ready for my appointment. So, when I came home I had a pulsing headache and wanted nothing more than to lay down with my bf and perhaps spend the rest of the night talking about things like "the banana in my rectum has begun to ripen". Yes. The story was funny but that phrase had me in stitches. So today, I woke up at six AM and within an hour I was sitting here on my computer typing this up for yous guys. :D And now it is finished and voila! Perhaps if I get a good enough response (and also if i figure out what song to have on repeat for next chapter) I will be able to type that one up today as well!

also, is un-shed a word? seriously. wtf is wrong with me.

So I think for the next few chapters it will be from James' perspective. Let me know what you think about that and this chapter and life in general. :D


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N:** I got such a fantastic response to last chapter that I couldn't resist typing this one up. And even though i got a great suggestion for the chapter (_At Last_ by Etta James), I had my iTunes on shuffle before I started and this song came on and I simply knew it was the way James was feeling. So it had to be used, don't worry though, I definitely made note of that song for future reference. :D Now, I know this one is a bit short but I didn't want it to drag on.

**Paramore** x _My heart_

* * *

Bella was laying on the bed on her side, facing me as I mimicked her position. There was about a foot and a half of space between us on the bed and every inch of my skin ached for me to close the distance. While Bella's reactions to me elicited nothing short of euphoria in me, I knew she didn't mean them the way I meant mine. She was grateful to me, she sought friendship with me, even protection, but there was nothing else. I knew that, my body however didn't quite understand. We had a small chess board between us and I was watching her carefully as she tried to make a move that would not lose her the game. So far she hadn't had much luck. I was enjoying this game, though, because every time I took her piece she had to answer one of my questions. Sort of like 20 questions, except you have to earn them. I had already taken four of her pawns. We had figured out a system of what questions were appropriate for what piece you took.

Pawns were simple questions. I asked the following:

"What's your favorite color?" She sighed to herself when she answered this and I regretted asking. She stated it used to be topaz. It wasn't hard to figure out why.

"Can you ride a bike?" She chuckled and said "Can or should?"

"What's your favorite American holiday?" She said she wasn't one for celebration but she did enjoy Christmas eve because it was simple and warm. And it usually didn't involve gifts yet.

"Hamburgers or hot dogs?" Hamburgers.

She took two of my pawns. Her questions were much the same. Her first was my favorite color. Which is blue. Her second was my favorite human food. Pizza.

I had acquired one of her rooks and both Knights. Each of those was worth a slightly more complex question. Things such as most embarrassing moment or, if I wanted to make her less uncomfortable, her proudest moment. I asked both. Embarrassing first. She told me that it was when she was fourteen and had her first co-ed gym class. Phoenix had a swimming pool and certain gym classes required you to participate. In short, she'd somehow gotten stuck on the water volleyball net and ended up ripping the whole thing down and taking it underwater with her. Her proudest moment was when she let her mother stay with Phil, even though it meant she come here to Forks, the last place in the world she had wanted to be. It was plain on her face that the sentiment about this town had returned. Then I asked what was her single most relaxing moment in her life, the moment she would go back to at all costs when she was upset. She looked taken aback and thought for a moment, then sighed to herself. "Anything I would have said has been tainted by... not so recent events. I have to say this, right now. It's been a very long time since I was just at peace with things." I offered her a smile that didn't show nearly the pride that was suffocating my brain.

Since the bishop ended up being our mutual favorite piece for reasons neither of us could really explain, we decided that it was worth a question about ideal lives. Neither of us had been able to swipe the others yet. Kings were questions about our person, things we would change, things we loved, etcetera. Queens were the most delicate topics. Such as past relationships. As I watched her move carefully, I realized she had me in check. My brow knitted in confusion. How had this happened?

"What is the biggest thing you would change about yourself?" She really didn't beat around any bushes, did she? I suppose I wouldn't either, considering that her piece was on the chopping block as soon as I was done answering her question. I thought quietly for a moment, staring at the chess board. I wanted her to be honest with me during this entire game, not being held back by some kind of worry that I was holding back the truth. So I told her. "There's two things that tie. I wish I did not need to feed off of the living in order to survive. And I wouldn't, if I thought it would change anything. But I won't die if I don't feed. I couldn't if I tried. The need will take over eventually. It will rot my logical, reasonable brain down to nothing except instinct. And then I will feed. Like a savage without any understanding of being full. I will simply feed until I regain control of my rational mind." I looked into her eyes then as she studied me carefully, her face guarded so as not to show me how afraid she actually was. "I've tried that, to get myself to stop needing blood. It was the worst decision I have ever made. I'm more careful now, I never suck a living thing dry. I never kill. I.. I'm more careful now." The last of it all came out in a whoosh and I peered up at her face through the shield of my eyelashes. "And the second," I continued, "is simply that I do not think I am compassionate enough towards others. Not just humans, but vampires alike. Throughout my lifetime, I have seen so many people die. I find myself disconnected from them. It happens so often that I have this deep knowledge that it is _bound _to happen no matter what I do. I struggle with the idea that I would not risk or give my own life to save another, because eventually they will die anyway. Despite my efforts. It sounds like a hollow thing to do for someone when you look at it that way. I want to be able to overcome that pessimism. To see giving myself in the place of someone else as something worthwhile."

Her eyes never left mine as I spoke and her face softened with every word. I could see her sharing my pain and I felt horrible. I reached out and cupped her small hand in my own. "But that is not for you to mourn, Bella. I will find a way to conquer my selfishness."

* * *

  
**Ending Notes: **If you guys would like me to continue with the questions during the game, let me know. I'm a bit undecided on it at the moment, I might do it but it would certainly be good to know how you all feel about that idea.  
As usual please leave me any thoughts you have at all! I love them. :D Maybe I'll even post Chapter nine today if I get some good thoughts. -cough- :D Thank you guys so so so much for reading.


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N:** Okay, so I did have intentions to write this chapter up last night but then my boyfriend made dinner and I ate too much and got tired. :) I'm stupid, sorry! I am here now to repent and type up this chapter.~ Also. I have decided, rather than getting a beta reader for myself, _I will beta myself._ :D For one, I need the practice, and for two, I like to make fast updates. I like to update frequently. This is not always possible with a beta because suddenly, rather than trying to post between events in ONE life, you're trying to post between events in TWO. So, I'm skipping that plan entirely and I'm going to do it for myself. Keep in mind, my punctuation is horrible. For this I apologize. Also, my grammar may be off here and there along with tenses inconsistencies and the like. If you guys notice any of that, let me know, okay?

**Incubus** x _Earth to Bella, parts 1 & 2_

--

After I swiped her attacking piece, I asked her a simple question (it had only been a pawn). I asked her who her favorite author was. I was surprised to see her struggle so much with it. Most girls her age that I had interacted with were able to rattle off some new best-selling author of some silly tween romance series. Not Bella. I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was, but I couldn't help it. She was so different. I watched her with great amusement while she had her inner battle. I grinned widely at her in silence as I waited.

I had begun to realize that it was getting quite close to sunrise, and by quite close I meant within the next few moments Bella would be noticing the bright bluish white of early morning light filtering through her window. As I looked up at her I knew I was correct because her brown eyes took on a lovely shade when mixed with the light color of sunrise. It occurred to me that Charlie would certainly be getting up soon to head down to the station. I sighed inwardly, knowing that Bella should probably sleep soon. Granted it was Sunday, but I needn't disturb her routine any further.

"Before all the wondrous shows of the widespread space around him, what living, sentient thing loves not the all-joyous light, with its colors, its rays and undulations, its gentle omnipresence in the form of the wakening Day?" My voice was barely a whisper but she was only a short distance from me and as my voice reached her ears, she looked up from the chess board having been pulled entirely out of her thoughts and her eyes jumped to the window. The smile on her face was amused when she looked back at me.

"You used Novalis to tell me Charlie would be awake soon?" If I had a heartbeat, it would have stopped and leaped up into my throat. Since I did not, I was simply left awe-struck. _This lovely creature recognizes Novalis._ I chuckled softly to myself and shook my head, amazed at my fortune.

"Why yes, I believe I did. You, Bella, are full of shocking information." Her brow furrowed slightly at my statement, thinking me to be sarcastic. I continued so as to avoid that thought going any further, "I am amazed that anyone, let alone someone of your generation, would recognize Novalis."

"Do you want to know who my favorite author is now? I think I've figured it out."

"Most definitely."

"Eliza Haywood." I know the shock took over my face.

"Eliza Haywood." I repeated. It wasn't a question, simply my baffled brain telling my mouth to do stupid things. "Why Eliza Haywood?"

"Well, she was one of the candidates for the first novel in English. I know her work _Fantomina_ was most likely the best known on that list, but it's also the only one I've had the opportunity to read. I enjoyed it immensely and I find that I cannot help but look up to her. Same as some people look up to the first people to do anything interesting, really."

It was then that we heard Charlie groan at his alarm clock and roll heavily out of bed. We remained still on the bed in silence with me being unable to stop staring at this brilliant woman in front of me. _Who could leave this woman? He simply must have been stark raving mad._ The questions roamed about in my mind while we listened to Charlie shower and march around his bedroom until he finally went downstairs to march around in his big boots for a while. Not long after we heard him shut the front door and start the cruiser up outside. I stood from the bed and stuffed my hands, which were too eager to grab for her for me to trust them, into my pockets and said softly, "Bella, you should sleep." She tripped her way off the bed, righting herself with the nightstand, and looked at me with what I could only assume was shock.

"Wha - Why? You don't have to go."

"You need to sleep. I should go."

"Oh. Right." I knew she was thinking back to Edward, I could tell by the distant look in her eyes. The depression was there again. I wanted to reach out and wipe it from her lovely eyes. I turned and walked to the window, opening it after I was sure I couldn't hear Charlies cruiser anywhere with in five miles. I heard her come up behind me and didn't fight myself when I wanted to look at her. Her eyes were still sad. My heart, though not beating, was straining against my ribcage for her. She looked up at me and a soft smile crept onto her lips.

"They parted not till towards morning; and she oblig'd him to a willing vow of visiting her the next day," she said and the smile spread slightly. Was she inviting me back? I do think she was. My own smile responded to hers and I reached out to lift her small hand into mine. Placing a chaste kiss onto her upturned palm, I nodded at her and threw myself out the window.

Once I landed on my feet, I bolted towards the woods behind her house. I didn't stop when I reached them, either. A sick joy was creeping up from my guts, filling my chest until I thought I was going to explode with it. So I ran. I ran until I had officially run out of woods. When I had passed the last of the trees, I still felt the pressure in my chest except it had grown even more, despite my efforts. It was filling up my throat and had managed to seep it's way down through my legs. _My entire body was on fire with this unfamiliar pressure._ So I continued running, hoping that eventually the pressure would have to subside. It certainly must, I could not be on my way to imploding.

Could I? Surely not.

Before long, I realized I had crossed the state line between Washington state and Oregon. I continued, picking up my pace even further, rushing through Oregon and coasting down through Nevada. By California I had picked up my pace again until I hit the coastline. Turning from the water, I shot up towards the higher elevation in California, heading away from people. While I was not _as _threatened by sparkling exposure as newer vampires, it was still a threat. Sunblock eliminated it entirely. An odd thing for a vampire to need, perhaps, but again the realization of just how well-geared _my _kind of the species are towards not being discovered is clear. Throughout the years as vampirism grew in "popularity" our need to blend in faded. We are the next step up in evolution, it's that simple. Now that between thirty to thirty-five percent of all humans have _become _vampires our need to be discrete is non-existent. However, we remain in the shadows, silent predators. Perhaps most vampires simply like not having to participate in society like humans do. We don't have to follow laws or go to work every day. Some do, but we certainly don't _have to._ If we were to reveal ourselves... Well, it wouldn't be long before they unleashed the dogs on us.

And I do mean that quite literally. While shape-shifters that turn into wolves are strictly only in existence on Indian reservations throughout the U.S., they would be glad to reveal themselves if it meant they could freely go after us. The many vampires I've met in my time that found the idea of taking over the planet to be brilliant _simply because we are stronger, faster and more fierce _were over-confident egotists. They thought the dogs were no threat, considering most of them were untrained because at least we vampires knew the legends were true the first time we heard them. Unlike the dogs who, until the first time they shape-shift, believe the legends to be silly stories.

What these vampires don't understand is, while it is purely instinct for us to drink blood, for us to push our physical limitations beyond what our human mind _thinks_ we're capable of, _killing us is instinct for those shape-shifter dogs._ They don't need to be trained. They don't need to be told. They simply do. Which is precisely what makes them so dangerous to us. It is also the exact reason that egomaniacal vampires are a threat to us. It is the reason that the smarter of our kind have remained in the shadows or well disguised amongst the humans. While we _could _eliminate the dogs (at least the first wave of them, seeing as any time a vampire comes within range of a reservation any Indian there going through puberty will become a shape-shifter), it would severely deplete our numbers. That puts us at risk indefinitely. While the wolves will just keep coming, we will just keep dying. Until the governments all around the world will imprison us. While most humans _are _less intelligent than vampires, it is simply because they haven't been around as long. They would figure out how to contain us eventually. Well, those of us that are not ancients, at least.

Then we would have to fight for rights, claiming that we "are people too" and that would go on _for decades._ Perhaps even a century or more. No one wants to believe that creatures that need to drink blood in order to survive, creatures that do not have a heartbeat, are actually living. Which equates, to them, to us not deserving the right to live in peace.

I dread the day.

--

**Ending Notes:** The quote he uses to reference Novalis is the very first line from Novalis' _Hymns to the Night_. Which I found, upon reading, to be something that James might enjoy. This James, anyway. :D The quote Bella uses is directly from Eliza Haywood's _Fantomina._ This one was much longer don't you think? Or at least it felt that way.

As usual, reviews encourage multiple chapter updates.


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N:** I hate working with possessives. I mean, just sayin'. I guess I learned something new. I thought there was only an 's when you could say "____ is" every time. Such as "the book is on the table" could be "the book's on the table". You know? Apparently, I am wrong. It is totally lame. Fuck the English language. Seriously. Okay, I don't mean that. But why's it have to be so tedious?

**azure ray** x _if you fall_

**smile empty soul** x _nowhere kids_

* * *

There was a quietness to the air that surrounded me. The elevation helped to stifle the noises of busy California below. I reached into my rear jean pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. Shaking the lighter out of the pack as well, I lifted a smoke to my lips and brought the lighter towards the tip. I sighed inaudibly to myself as I inhaled the first drag of my cigarette. It occurred to me that I haven't even had one in more than a day. I smiled to myself as I looked down at my sneakers, my legs dangling over the side of a cliff. Addiction had never been a problem of mine, even before I'd been changed. I smoked simply because I enjoyed it, and why not? It couldn't kill me. Bella's recherché smile crossed my mind and for a short moment, I wondered about my immunity to addiction. I wondered how long she would sleep for. I wondered if she would sleep at all. I debated how long it would take me to run back. A few short hours, max. Maybe two and a half.

I wondered if Bella had ever been to California, I wondered if she would like it. I decided to ask if she would like to accompany me some time. I was suddenly bored. It occurred to me that I didn't know how long I'd been sitting here, smoking my cigarettes casually and not registering when I lit another one up. I glanced down at my pack. Empty. Not a good sign. I was a slow smoker. I sighed to myself and put the empty pack back in my pocket. No use tossing it into the woods. I began my run again, weaving through traffic without being noticed, then through trees, then through crowds and back through trees. When I was thinking about it, I had a relatively useful ability to estimate time as it was passing. So I thought about it on the run back towards Bella's house, so I could see if my estimate had been correct. It was. I was off by fifteen minutes, making the trip shorter than I'd expected.

It was late afternoon when I wandered back into Forks. No later than five. Twilight would be coming soon. I walked casually through the woods behind Bella's house, stopping short as Charlie's words hit my ears. I was only a few yards into the woods yet, still out of sight, so I sat down and listened. I felt slightly guilty, knowing that it wasn't my business, but Charlie's voice was pained. I was concerned for Bella.

"Dad, that's ridiculous. I don't need to see a therapist."

"Bella... I know you don't feel like it's necessary. But I'm worried for you. I - I feel like you're just digging a deeper hole for yourself. I don't feel like you're getting any better and I know you try to hide it for my sake, but that's not the way it should be, Bells. I'm your father, I need to help you."

"A therapist isn't going to help me, Dad!" I heard the panic in her voice. I knew why. Bella was smart. She knew the way therapy worked. In order for them to tell Charlie there was any progress, she would have to be honest. Being honest involved, clearly, informing them of exactly why she was depressed. They would not settle for "my boyfriend left me". They would want details, reasons she was so torn up about it. "_My boyfriend is a vampire that will never die and never return and here I am, dying every second of the day, knowing I'll never get the chance to be with him forever_" simply would not make them think very highly of her sanity. She'd be carted away, drugged and analyzed day in and day out. They would tell Charlie that it was the only way she'd get better. Charlie would be desperate to help his delusional daughter, begging her to understand. Bella would be trapped. If she didn't tell the truth, then she was being difficult and causing Charlie to worry and pay for endless bills that were doing no good. Bella was too selfless. This situation was going to rip her in half. I winced when Charlie spoke again.

"Bella..."

"I really don't want to. I'll try harder on my own."

"I know you would, kiddo, but I don't think it's going to be enough for you. It's been months and you haven't really brightened up any."

"Therapy isn't going to cheer me up, Dad."

"I'm not saying _it _will. I'm just saying that I think it will help you overcome this. I don't want to see you this depressed for the rest of the year."

"I'm not _depressed_."

"Bella, I think you're wrong. You need to go. I'm your father and I'm telling you to do this. Please, if for no other reason than for me. Do this." I could almost hear Bella's heart breaking. Maybe that was the sob that burst from her lips. I had to fight the urge to run to her, to grab her and take her away from here. There were more delicate ways of going about that, though. I would wait.

It was an hour or so later when Charlie finally mumbled something about how Bella should go to bed and get some rest. He said he had scheduled an appointment for her after classes the next day, and he was sorry she didn't understand why this was necessary. He was incredibly uncomfortable. I heard his loud steps as he approached her hesitantly, and placed a soft kiss on the top of her sobbing head. "I'm sorry, Bella. I love you." Bella lifted herself off the couch and sulked her way up the stairs. She walked into her room, I assumed to grab her toiletries bag, and marched down the hallway to slam the bathroom door closed. I heard the water run in the shower, where she only remained for around ten minutes, and then I heard the softer sound of water from the sink. Within a few minutes she was slamming the door to her room and collapsing on the bed. My silent heart cringed in unto itself. I snuck across the yard and yet again, tossed a small pebble up to her window. I heard her gentle footsteps as she walked over, throwing the window open and heading back to her bed without waiting for me. I leapt up and into her room smoothly, leaning against the wall by the window and crossing my arms in front of me.

"Want to go to California with me, tonight?"

* * *

**Ending Notes:** Okay, what did you think? What do you think is going to happen? Sorry it took me so long to get this up, guys. I was struggling from quite a bit of writers block. I knew what I needed to say, just not how to say it, you know? It's still pretty lame but at least it's out and I can move on, now. Also, I know it's short but I didn't want to drag their trip into this one because then it would be too long? At least I feared it would, seeing as I have not written it yet. Anyway. Reviews are love.


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N:** So I'm hoping to get this chapter down in the next hour or so & post it for you guys. I just posted chapter ten, so hopefully you guys at least tolerated that one lol. Anyway, here we go. Also, it's been a while since I've done this so:

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or it's characters or the songs I listen to while writing these silly attempts at amusing myself (and maybe a few others).

**Azure Ray** x _November_

**Alphabeat** x _Boyfriend_

* * *

_"Want to go to California with me, tonight?"_ The words slipped out of my mouth before I had time to consider them. Yes, I had planned on asking. Yes, she clearly needed to get out of here for a while. Yes, she was looking at me with those big, chocolate eyes and practically begging me to save her. Surely that must have been it. I didn't just want to get her alone, where we could talk without using hushed whispers. I didn't just want to have an excuse to physically touch her for one hundred and thirty five minutes. Eight thousand one hundred seconds. I didn't just ask her because I was clearly deranged and obsessed. No, not at all. It was because she was looking at me with those big brown eyes.

"How do you propose we get there?" Her voice was thick with sorrow, her throat probably sore from all her weeping. I fought back a cringe.

"Running, of course." Her eyes widened and I could not repress my smirk. "Do you not like running?"

"Well... It kind of leaves me stunned. It's so fast..."

"I am sure we could properly distract you." I didn't need to tell her I was faster than even her Edward. Comes with practice, really. She seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding.

"All right. When Charlie goes to sleep, then." I smiled at her and seated myself on the bed beside her, letting a few inches separate us.

"Are you all right?" She let out a soft sigh and shrugged.

"There's very little I can do about it."

"That's not true, Bella. I'm sure we can figure something out."

"No. I need to do this for Charlie. He means well. I'm just worried about what will happen while I do this." Her voice quieted further, and were I not a vampire I would have had to strain to hear her. "I'm worried about bringing all the memories to the surface. I'm worried about slipping up and revealing something I shouldn't and giving the Cullens away."

"Bella..."

"It doesn't matter. I'll figure something out."

"Even if you said something that 'gave the Cullens away' do you realize that the chances of anyone _believing _you are slim?"

"Even so, I need to watch what I say. If they don't believe me, they'll throw me in a straight jacket." I couldn't argue her there. I nearly jumped when I heard Charlie's first movement since Bella had come upstairs. He was headed toward the stairs. I met her eyes and she nodded, I flung myself out of the window, bolting into the woods in a millisecond. I heard Charlie knock on Bella's door, and a moment later, I heard him open it carefully after some gentle muttering of Bella's.

"Bella... I'm sorry you're so upset."

"I know, Dad, it's okay." There was a pause that felt awkward even to me.

"All right. Well. I'm heading to bed, then. Goodnight, kiddo."

"Night."

* * *

She was clinging to me. Tightly. Her thin arms wrapped with as much force as her tiny body could muster around my neck, her legs around my waist. I held her in front of me, letting her bury her face in my neck and chest. It seemed more comfortable. She had my mp3 player tucked in the pocket of my shirt, the earbuds stuffed into her ears. Her facial expression had relaxed after the first few minutes from panic to almost joy. Almost. I grinned to myself, running faster even than I had when I was on my own. The trip felt shorter with her strapped to me this way, her scent invading my nose constantly. She'd pulled her hair back into a tight ponytail to keep it out of my face, not that it would have mattered a whole lot. She still didn't understand how quickly vampires took in surroundings, however, so I just smiled and thanked her.

I came to a halt just outside of a busy area in City of Industry, setting Bella down on the curb and seating myself beside her to let her body adjust to the lack of movement. It didn't take long for her to adjust and she removed the earbuds and handed them back to me, watching as I stuffed them into the same pocket the player was in.

"How was it?"

"Not nearly as bad as I'd expected it to be." I offered her a light smile and stood up, extending my hand out to her.

"I was thinking of taking you out for a drink. Would you like to come?" I could see her brain turning that over as she took my hand and stood up.

"I'm not twenty-one, James." I laughed casually at this concern and shrugged.

"I'm old enough." Her laughter joined mine immediately and she shrugged in return.

"All right, sure." I didn't let go of her hand as I lead her down the sidewalk. A few blocks later, we were turning onto Industry Hills Parkway and making our way towards one of my favorite places. _Red._ We were let in and I lead Bella right up to the bar with me. She gripped my hand a little harder, clearly nervous, and her eyes darted up to my face. I ignored her and smiled happily at the bartender.

"Alex, how are you?" Alex looked up at me from washing a few glasses off and his grin matched my own.

"James! It's good to see you," his eyes glanced down towards Bella before he looked up at me again. He was curious, "Who is your friend?"

"Ah, Alex please forgive me. This is my lovely date, Bella." Alex nodded at her and she gave him a timid smile. I changed the subject. "May I get two glasses of your finest red wine, please?" Alex's eyes darted to Bella quickly before returning to my own, perking his brow in a silent _is she legal?_ I nodded once and he didn't ask further, simply turned around to fetch the drinks. I left him a healthy tip, which was most likely the reason he didn't press further. I let Bella choose the table and we wandered off into the back, sitting at a small table with two chairs with a clear view of the mountains. I sat across from her and placed her glass in front of her. I waved the waiter over and ordered a basket of bread sticks and requested two menus. He returned shortly, handing us our menus and depositing the bread before nodding quietly and leaving again.

Bella looked over the menu silently and I watched her carefully, trying to decide what she was thinking. She looked up at me a few times and smirked to herself, looking back down at the menu.

"Are you eating, James?"

"Yes, I think I will."

"Do you know what you want already or are you saving the menu scanning for later?" I chuckled at her smirk and picked up my menu to browse it. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't need to tell her that. The waiter returned shortly and I placed my order as Bella made her final decision.

"The RED Kobe Burger with Wasabi Cream Cheese and sweet potato fries, please. Also, a water if that's all right?" The waiter nodded quickly and scribbled my order down. He was young, no older than twenty, and was a bit scruffy around the edges. He eyed Bella curiously, along with her wine, and glanced to me. I offered nothing, so he asked nothing.

"I think I'll have the Turkey club, please? With shoestring fries. Maybe a water for me, too?" He smiled at her and nodded, telling her that would be just fine and headed off to put our orders in, taking our menus along with him.

Bella sipped her wine. She scrunched up her nose and sighed, "This is rather disgusting, James."

I laughed heartily at that, nodding and sipping my own. "It's an acquired taste, Bella. Have a few more sips and if you still don't enjoy it, we can try white wine."

She nodded and tried again. And three times after that. Her expression never changing, and my laughter growing. Even in the noisy restaurant, people looked over. The waiter was bringing our waters over and I requested a glass of their best white wine for Bella. He scampered off to fetch her a new glass of wine, seeming to enjoy the idea of getting something for _her_. I smirked.

"He likes you." Her snort interrupted her sip of water and she had to wipe her mouth with her napkin.

"I'm sure, James."

The rest of the meal passed in companionable conversation. We chatted idly about things, about her childhood and about my endless living. She laughed at all the right places and I could only hope I had as well.

* * *

**BPOV**

The music in the restaurant was very new-age. I didn't hate it. The waiter seemed needy. I hated it. James would chuckle to himself every time the poor kid left the table. I scowled at him from across the table. The white wine was much better than the red. The red had been too heavy and bitter. I enjoyed the white wine so much, in fact, I was on my third glass. Luckily, I was eating. Slowly. So the tipsy feeling that was forming in my head was at least only that, _a tipsy feeling_.

I caught many of the women in the restaurant ogling James and there was a sick feeling building in my stomach. I said nothing. I smiled a lot at him. I wasn't sure if it was just because he had successfully made me think less about Charlie's plans for me and more about the relationship that was budding with him, or because of the wine, or because he was the singular most attractive man in the building. None of that really mattered though, I just kept grinning from ear to ear at him. I felt ridiculous. I blushed constantly, the heat burning my cheeks every few minutes. His eyes watched me incessantly. We finished our food and the waiter came rushing up to take our plates, looking at me and asking if I would like any dessert. I wouldn't. He was disappointed. James asked for our check and he paid a bill that I am pretty sure I didn't want to know anything about. He pulled out a cell phone I had never known he had (kind of like everything else he had) and he called a cab for us.

"You know, cab fare will be pretty expensive for the whole ride home." He laughed at me, again. He had been doing that. I couldn't help but grin a little. Just a little.

"I hadn't been planning on going home, yet."

Oh. "Oh." He took my hand as we stood up and we walked out of the restaurant slowly. The cab had arrived by the time we got outside and we slipped in silently. James told the driver a specific address and the driver nodded before pulling out onto the road and driving us off to whatever destination James had in mind. We pulled up to a small house right on the beach and James paid the driver, smiling at me as we got out and he put his arm around my shoulders.

"Whose house is this?"

"Mine."

"Oh. It looks nice." He smirked as we approached the door and he opened it, it was unlocked. The house was quaint, nothing extravagant the way the Cullens would have liked it. Simple, almost rustic furnishings, with brick walls and hardwood floors. The ceilings were white and the walls were covered with bookshelves, which were, of course, packed with books. The living room was to my right, the kitchen to my left. Just passed the kitchen was a room with a shut door, what I could only assume was the bedroom. Straight ahead was another room that was entirely empty, one wall made up almost entirely of French doors. There was a simple looking sound system set up in the living room, opposite a very comfortable looking couch with a shag rug beneath it. The kitchen was lovely, a small island in the middle housing two stools was the only table in the room. The appliances were all stainless steel and the counters were a simple white marble. Perhaps my phrase "nothing extravagant" did not really apply as much as I had originally thought. I turned towards the empty room and James smiled at me. Taking my hand firmly, he walked to the stereo system and turned on something soft and bluesy. Then he turned us towards the empty room. We had to take a step up to walk on the floor and as soon as we did, he spun me towards him and lifted both my arms to his shoulders. His hands touched my hips lightly, carefully.

Not in the same way Edward used to. He wasn't afraid of hurting me, he was afraid of crossing lines with me. I smiled up at him and without me noticing, he'd started moving us gracefully across the bare floor. We were dancing. _I was dancing._ I wasn't standing on his feet and yet, somehow I didn't trip all over myself. I didn't even squish his toes. I moved with a subtle grace that I had never known before. Calming slightly, I let my head rest on his chest and his chin found it's place on the top of my head. I sighed contentedly. This was incredibly comfortable.

"Hey." His voice, though faint, startled me.

"Hmm?"

"I want to show you something." He pulled away slowly, and I let him, dropping my arms to my sides. He smiled dazzlingly at me. Yes, dazzlingly. I realized that perhaps Edward was not the only man in the world with any charm. He tilted his head towards the stunning French doors. I followed his lead as he opened them and stepped out onto a small porch, hopping down the stairs comfortably. I kicked off my shoes when I realized that from his porch, we would be walking directly onto sand.

James waited for me at the bottom of the few short stairs and offered me his hand. I took it. His skin was slightly cool against my hand, but nothing chilly or unwelcome. We walked along the beach quietly for a while, looking up at the star-filled sky and murmured a few things to each other here and there. We sat down eventually, a few feet away from the calm tides, and he dropped my hand. I wasn't sure why, perhaps he wanted to give me space. Maybe it was so I wouldn't feel like he was pushing things. Maybe he was just tired of holding it. We laid on our backs and studied the stars. It was nice to be able to see them, and I said as much. He pointed out a few constellations to me but I struggled finding them.

We laughed to ourselves over silly things, he told me a few jokes and I shared the few I knew. I heard his head turn to look at me in the sand and I felt my own turn to face him, instinctively, to the right. His eyes were startlingly bright in the darkness. His face was solemn, even though we'd just been laughing. I felt the smile fall from my face, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I felt, rather than saw, him moving slowly towards me, his right hand reaching up to graze my cheek meekly. I gave him a light smile, my lips barely moving upwards at all. I watched his eyes as he got closer, leisurely, and I felt my eyes drifting closed just as his insignificantly chilled lips pressed lazily to mine.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat before I moved quickly. I turned my body towards him reaching out my left hand curl around his neck and tug lightly, encouraging him to come closer. He did. The second his body was a few inches away from mine, he pulled his lips back and rested his forehead against mine. It almost seemed like he was trying to catch his breath.

* * *

**JPOV**

Christ. Shit. For heaven's sake _what was I doing?_ This was completely inappropriate. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to grab her, to pull her against me and jam my tongue down her throat. So I did the only thing I could think of at that point. I pulled away from her deliciously tender lips and sighed under my breath.

"Bella, I should get you home."

And then I did.

* * *

**Ending Notes: **So the chapter took a bit longer than I'd expected but it's also, I think perhaps, the longest one yet! :D Please for the love of anything good, tell me what you think! I'm so excited to hear from you guys.


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N:** Okay guys. This one took me a bit to write because I wasn't sure where I wanted to take Bella's... emotions. So here we go, I think I've kind of nailed the situation.

**Red Hot Chili Peppers** x _Otherside_

* * *

**BPOV**

Charlie thought I was depressed. He'd actually mentioned to me, last night, that there were "five stages of mourning" and he thought I was struggling with them. I'd heard about this before, I mean really, who hadn't? They say, originally, it's denial and isolation. Followed by anger, then bargaining. Which lead to depression and finally resignation. I wasn't sure if Charlie understood the whole step process because he seems to think I went straight from denial to depression. Truth was, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was having my own process. I'd been in denial, yes. That's hard not to admit. Even bargaining in the dark silence of my room at night when the tears would consume me. I wasn't so much ashamed to say that as I was ashamed it didn't work. _But I was not fucking depressed._

When I'd crawled into bed last night after spending the evening with James, I'd felt all right. Tired, for once. Even able to actually sleep without exhausting myself with sobs. That was a pleasant change. However, this morning when I bolted upright in my bed at the sound of my alarm clock, peace was the _last _thing coursing through me. I was pissed off. Maybe it was triggered by the blaring noise that had woken me up after _two _hours. Maybe it was the sound of Charlie's cruiser pulling out of the driveway, which immediately reminded me of Charlie. Which immediately reminded me of therapy. Which immediately reminded me of today. Simple thought process, really. But the anger welling up in my chest seemed to be exploding out of me. I sighed to myself and pushed my fingers against my temples, hoping to calm myself. _James. _I thought his name quietly in my head, hoping to remind myself of the pleasant evening and of how caring he was with me. The sad reality was it did the exact opposite. I went from angry to enraged. Absolutely infuriated.

_He'll leave just like the rest of them once he gets bored._

The thought was heartbreaking. I wasn't sure if it was because of James himself or if it was because of how much he reminded me of a better time in my life. Of the people who used to be around. I knew I found his touch comforting for that reason. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine he was Edward. I could almost imagine a lot of things. Almost. I couldn't set myself up like that. Not again, it was beyond stupid the last time. It would be inexcusable of me to do it again. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, _shame on me._ No, this had to stop.

I would not be left destroyed in the woods again. I would not count the seconds until I felt that familiar cool touch. I would not. The alarm continued blaring. I reached over and yanked it from the table, consequently yanking it from the plug, and threw it across the room where it skidded to a stop under my desk. I ripped the covers from my legs and stomped down the hallway to the bathroom to shower and get ready for school. I wasn't sure if I'd ever been this angry in my life or not. It was... energizing.

It didn't take me long to get ready, and once I was finished, I no longer had anything to distract me. The fear of James just up and leaving me was astounding. I collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table and sighed to myself. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I had to stop counting on him. I had to cut him out before he had the chance to cut me out. It was my only chance of getting through this. Of course he would get bored. Hadn't they all? _And Edward had supposedly been in love with me._ James wasn't, so what motivation could he possibly have to stay around that the others didn't? Even though my point had been proven and my stance decided, I still felt this incredible sinking feeling in my stomach.

It was going to be a long fucking day.

--

School was miserable, as could be expected. Most everyone had gotten used to me not speaking but every now and then they would address me. Usually, I would shrug or pretend I hadn't heard them. Today was one of those days, except I didn't have the disinterest to simply ignore them. Instead, I spat vehemently at them. It was Mike, of course. He was always the stupid one. Jess hadn't even spoken to me since Edward left, she just smirked at me from across the table. That didn't go so well today, either. I told her to go blow the football team.

Maybe it was a little bit uncalled for.

Angela just watched me with sad eyes for most of the day. I could tell she wanted to approach me and offer some kind of condolence but at least she had the smarts to avoid making her intentions known. Obvious was one thing, known was something else entirely. Jess and Mike had crossed that line. They deserved it.

When Gym came around, I actively participated in tennis. Knocking the ball across the court repeatedly with my racket. I had tried hitting Jessica a few times, even Lauren, but never succeeded. Well, I _did _hit them, but it wasn't when I had been trying. The victory was empty. When the bell rang, I exited the school faster than just about anyone else and made it to my truck in record time. I opened up the drivers' side door and hoisted myself inside, starting the engine and pulling on my seat-belt. That's when I realized that, in my rush to exit school, I'd rushed getting to the therapist. I sighed and put my forehead against the steering wheel. That's when the sobs came. Uncontrollably, I choked on the lump in my throat and cried hysterically against my arm. I didn't even care that people were probably looking.

It was fifteen minutes before the crying stopped. When it did, I sat up and wiped my face off on my jacket sleeve. I refused to think about anything at all as I put the truck in reverse and left the empty school parking lot. I drove to the only known therapist in Forks and I hated every minute.

--

I walked in the door after the receptionist told me I could and I sat in one of the chairs across from the short man in his mid-sixties. His hair was almost entirely gray and he seemed to have a kind, open face. I knew better. That kind, open face would have me thrown in the loony bin faster than I could say _Vampire._ I crossed my arms in front of my chest and glowered at him over his cherry oak desk.

"I assume you aren't happy to be here, Miss Swan."

"No."

"You are happy to be here?" His question startled me. Was he an idiot? Clearly.

"No."

"Ah, I see. Well, my name is Arthur Howley."

Silence. He coughed. A few minutes went by.

"You know your father only means well."

"I know what my father means."

"You shouldn't be hard on him."

"I'm not."

Silence.

"Do you feel like talking, Isabella?"

"Bella." My voice was acid. It practically burned my throat as I spoke. Perhaps I was being unnecessarily harsh. I considered that for a moment. No.

"My apologies. Do you feel like you have something to talk about?"

"You mean besides being here when I would much rather leap into a pit of fire? No, other than that I'm pretty sure my life is fantastic, thanks."

His expression was blank, he stared at me for a long few minutes from across his glossy desk. I hated his desk. I wasn't sure why, when I thought about it, but it didn't really seem to matter. I hated his desk the same way I hated the stale smell of too-stiff tissues of his office. The same way I hated his warm blue eyes. The same way I hated how he _wrote every fucking word I said down_. I set my jaw tightly, determined not to say another word. Clearly mister Arthur Howley had other plans. Didn't everyone?

"He was just a boy, Miss Swan."

In all the anger I had felt today, nothing compared to that. Not when Jessica had been glaring at me for having the chance she never had and then finding herself smug when it blew up in my face but still resentful enough to glare. Not when Mike had the audacity to ask me out. Again. Not when I thought about Edward leaving. Not when I thought about how James would leave. Not when I thought about Alice's bright little face lit up in excitement. Not when I thought about Renee's stupid emails asking me if I'd met a new boy. _None of that sent me off the edge the way this stupid man's imbecilic comment just did._ I had never understood the phrase "I saw red" until now. And I saw red. You must understand, _it is not a figure of speech._ Do not underestimate the power of anger. My vision clouded and the red seemed to seep in from the sides. That was the last conscious thing I remember thinking. And then I spoke.

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? You don't know him. You don't know me. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT YOU PRETENTIOUS FUCKBAG." I grabbed my jacket and turned on my heel, leaving the room and making sure to slam the door hard enough to crack the paneling. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid assessments of _my _situation. I didn't fucking need this.

--

You know how I'd spent the entire day in a fit of rage? Well. When Charlie got home from work and checked the answering machine, you could say he had a fit of rage of his very own. I sat at the dinner table, looking at the cold lasagna, letting him yell. He was right. It had been immature. But so had been poking at an open wound. And this guy had called himself a therapist? Every assessment I had ever had about therapists had turned out to be right. _They simply wanted to aggravate your condition._ Whatever it was. So that they could pump you with pills or throw you in a straight jacket or make your therapy last _years_ longer than necessary. That's all the fucking gave a shit about.

Charlie did not share my sentiment.

"Bella, I can't believe you said that to him! What's wrong with you? I've never known you to act this way!"

"You've never really known me at all, Charlie," I muttered to myself. He heard me. _Stupid, stupid idea, Bella._

"Bella," Charlie's voice was soft all of the sudden. As if he thought _this _was what it was all about. "Is that why you're so upset?"

"No, Dad. I'm so upset because he thought it was okay to tell me that Edward," I swallowed hard when I said his name, "was _just a boy_ within ten minutes of knowing me! What kind of therapist goes LOOKING for trouble like that? I'm sorry I snapped, Dad, but he crossed a line that I felt was unfair and unwarranted. I agreed to do this therapy thing but I did not agree to go and have some old man instigate problems."

Charlie sat in silence for a while. Eventually he sighed and said he would look for a new therapist for me but that, until then, I would have to continue seeing Mr. Howley simply because the insurance wouldn't take too kindly to paying for something that hadn't even lasted a whole session. I nodded and put the untouched lasagna away and went up to my room. I crawled under the covers and stared at the wall for what felt like days. Eventually, I heard Charlie go to bed. He didn't check on me tonight like he usually did. That was good. I was sick of everything today.

Within an hour of Charlie going to bed, I heard the pebble hit my window. My heart leaped into my throat and I realized that now I would have to deal with cutting James out of my life. I groaned. I rolled over onto my stomach and waited. I knew he'd throw another pebble. I also knew that would be when he listened carefully to see if something was wrong.

There it was. The second pebble.

"Go away, James. I'm done," I murmured. I knew it was the cheap way of going about it but I really didn't have the strength to tell him to his face. I couldn't look into his eyes and tell him I didn't want anything to do with him. It wasn't true and I was a horrible liar. He would know. I heard rustling outside, I knew he was climbing up the tree so he could peer into my window to see if I really meant being done the way I knew he thought I did. Within seconds his face was at my window and he tapped lightly. I met his gaze and the hurt that crossed his face was threatening to leave me in tears again. Is that how I looked when Edward left?

"Bella?" My name was choked as it escaped his lips, thick with strain from getting past the lump that was clearly in his throat.

I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head.

* * *

**Ending notes:** WELL?!?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET TO REVIEWING! lol


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N: **Seriously, you have no idea how excited I was to post last chapter. :D! It was ridiculous, to be honest. But also, because I'm ridiculous, here I am writing the next chapter lol. These next few are involving some research on my part, nothing too extensive, but it just adds time onto how long it takes you know? Not too much hopefully. :) I've also perfected my playlist for the main events lol. So now off to writing this chapter.

Bella's POV Song: **Akaline Trio** x _Burn_

James' POV Song: **Azure Ray** x _New Resolution_

* * *

**BPOV**

I woke up feeling empty the next morning. I hated what I'd done to James. The last moment he was at my window was the worst.

_Even after I'd pulled the blanket over my head, he'd remained outside for a good minute and a half. I was pretty sure he was crying, or at least the best attempt at it that a vampire can put forth._

_"Bella, please." His voice was weak, sore from his dry crying, still filled with the sobs. My heart ached. The hole in my chest that Edward created throbbed violently. I tightly wrapped my arms around myself as my own sobs wracked my body._

_"Move on, James. Just move on." And then I heard him hit the ground._

I sighed and tried to push the memory of last night out of my head. He was probably mad at me. Why else would he have let me hear his landing? It was similar to my slamming a door. I looked around my room and my eyes landed on my abused alarm clock. It occurred to me then that I had no idea what time it was. I jumped up and ran to the alarm clock, bringing it back to the side dresser and plugging it back in. It seemed to be in working order. It lit up with the time immediately. Eight ten. _Fuck. _ I was late. Awesome. Just what I wanted. I headed into the bathroom to get ready, not bothering to rush because I was already late so it didn't really matter.

When I was finished getting dressed, I lifted my backpack onto my shoulder and was about to walk out my door when I tripped over my own shoelace and fell backwards. My tailbone hit the hardwood and I yelped loudly, rolling onto my side to relieve pressure, and realized that one of the floorboards had come up beneath me. _Shit, how do I fix that before Charlie notices?_ Of course. Had to be today. I let my backpack fall off my shoulder and rolled to face the lifted floorboard, ignoring the pain in my ass. I looked at the open end and nearly fell backwards again. Was something under there? I grabbed the edge with my right hand and pulled the board up further. It moved slowly and I had to put some force behind it but it eventually lifted enough for me to see it's contents.

The pictures. The CD. _He had put them in here to hide them from me._ What. An. Asshole.

The anger was back. Tenfold. I threw the CD at the wall and stomped out of my room, snatching my backpack up quickly on my way, and true to form I slammed the door behind me. There was a note on the table from Charlie. He'd scheduled another session for today.

Of fucking course.

The ride to school was tiring. I wanted to speed. My truck said no. We bickered. It was pathetic. Halfway to school I pulled into a gas station to fill up and, as I stood there pumping my gas, I debated a way for me to calm down. Something to ease my stress. Maybe water-down my fury. I looked into the window of the gas station and watched someone pay for a pack of cigarettes. I'd never smoked before.

I'd also never been this angry so often before.

I went in and bought the same cigarettes I'd seen the other person buying. Camel Menthols. And a lighter. It was red.

--

School was about the same as yesterday, except today Mike didn't ask me anything and when Jess glowered at me across the room in class I simply smirked and pointed at one of the football players. She didn't bother looking at me for the rest of the day.

During lunch I went outside and had a smoke. My first. It was harsh. I didn't cough though, which I was surprised about. I smoked the whole thing slowly and put it out on the cement before tossing it into one of the outside trash cans. When I stood up I nearly passed out, I felt so lightheaded. It was kind of relaxing once I got passed the rush. I didn't feel the need to rip into anyone for a while.

So I had another one on the way to the therapist. When I walked in the receptionist glared at me as if she was worried I'd give her boss a heart-attack. Well, if I did all I could think to say was that sometimes _people just have things coming._

I sat through the entire session without saying a single word. When he mentioned Edward again, I simply pulled out my pack of cigarettes and lit one up. When I took a nice long drag from it, I blew the smoke out of my nose despite the slight nausea I was feeling from having two in such a short span of time. He just stared at me in shock. After a few more drags, I leaned forward and ashed right into his folder. He didn't mention Edward for the rest of the session.

Instead he talked about how I shouldn't smoke. I kept ashing on his desk.

Later, Charlie wasn't too fond of that. Nor was he fond of my smoking. I was beyond caring.

--

**JPOV**

"Bella, please." My voice was unfamiliar. It had been a long time since I'd cried and hearing the tears in my voice now shook me. She had rolled over and pulled the blanket over her face. I wanted to open the window and comfort her, to wrap her in my arms and tell her that shutting people out wouldn't help. That I could help her. Somehow. I wouldn't open the window without her permission, though. I was pretty sure that's what she was banking on. Then came her voice.

"_Move on, James. Just move on._" The pain in my chest crashed through me. I fell out of the tree as I tried to hold my ribcage together. The sobs kept me from breathing for a long while as I lay there beneath her window. I watched the sky change colors from that spot, hearing Charlie leave, and still the sobs pounded through me. _What had I been thinking? I never should have kissed her._ It pushed her away from me. _Christ, I was so stupid._

I forced myself to stand up and walk into the woods. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and took a deep breath, the moist morning air filling my lungs. I didn't know what else to do, so I ran.

I ran home.

But that was stupid because the second I walked in the door, her smell hit me like a brick wall. I forced myself to walk through the kitchen and into my bedroom, shutting the door and opening the window in the hopes of at least airing out the room if her smell managed to sneak in somehow. I laid down on my bed, my left arm tucked under my head and my right hand searching for the mp3 player in my pocket. I put my earbuds in and turned on something soothing.

The music washed over me gently and I felt my muscles relax. The pain in my chest eased up slowly, dissipating with the melancholic chords, until I finally felt a little bit better. Eventually, I turned the music off and went into the adjoining bathroom. I liked how small the house was, it was quaint. I didn't need a lot of room to move around indoors. I preferred running around outside. The beach was perfect for that. I owned two and a half miles of the beach, part of the deal I got when I built this house, so the beach was always secluded. I debated going for a swim. The idea appealed to me so I turned around to go outside instead of shower like I'd planned. I caught my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, even though I didn't shed any tears, and the usually unnoticeable bags under my eyes seemed darker. My facial hair was growing in. That, however, wasn't something strictly to ancients. A lot of vampires continue to grow their hair after they've been changed. Especially if, during life, their hair would grow faster than most. Mine did. It was slower now, as a vampire, but it still happened. And since I was changed in my early twenties, it happened even more frequently. Had I been changed before my body was done changing from adolescence to adulthood, it would be a fifty-fifty shot.

I liked my facial hair, so I was grateful. I rubbed my hand over it roughly, turning my face in the mirror to see both sides. I figured I'd let it grow in a while.

I stripped out of my clothes and walked, nude, into my bedroom to riffle through my drawers for a swimsuit. The cool water would, hopefully, distract me from the memory of last night. I could already feel the pain in my chest increasing again.

--

**Ending Notes: **So I know this was less climactic, but let me know what you think? :) I am kind of feeling like I'm on a roll, so I might even be able to write up another chapter. This one was harder, though, I'll admit. I know it was short, but what can i do? lol. also, because I've grown to love the playlist for this, I'm uploading it for you guys if you want to hear it yourselves. :D I'll be putting it in my info tonight sometime (as soon as it's done). I do suggest listening to it. :) Hopefully I'll be able to continue adding the songs with each chapter, so you can have them as you read the new chapters. Cool? I'm only missing two so far, but it's because I don't have the tracks themselves. Sorry guys.


	15. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Okay guys. Sorry it took so long but here it is. It was kind of hard to write. Anyway, moving on. All the songs for this chapter are in my profile, and i DO suggest reading the latter half of Bella's POV with the two songs that are listed as Bella POV song set 2. Seriously. :D There will be one download link (for Pete Yorn's song) but two other links so you can just listen to them if you don't want to download.

James POV song: **Pete Yorn** x _Strange Condition_

Bella POV song: **Snow Patrol** x _Isolation_ & **Red Hot Chili Peppers** x _Otherside_

Bella POV song set 2: **Cute is what we Aim for** x _Safe Ride_ & **Pete Yorn** x _Strange Condition_

* * *

**JPOV**

A strange thing occurred to me the more time I spent alone in my house.

I could not stop thinking about her.

I wondered if she was okay, how therapy was, what her school work was. I wondered how she and Charlie were getting along. Mostly, though, I wondered if she thought about me at all.

I kept thinking back to that night. She had not seemed like she had really wanted me to go. Had she? Was I just blinded by stupidity? Was I convincing myself of something that would be easier on me?

I spent a lot of time in my living room, listening to my ridiculous music collection. I spent a lot of that time with a single song on repeat. Eventually, once the song had buried itself beneath my skin, I retreated back into my room and pulled out my acoustic guitar.

* * *

**BPOV**

Charlie _really _didn't like my smoking. At all. He disliked it so much, in fact, that he agreed to allow hypnosis during my therapy sessions. I put up a real fight on that one. Charlie and I ended up screaming at each other in the living room for more than an hour. Then he put Renee on the phone and she mumbled something about agreeing with Charlie. I slammed the phone down and left the house. I went for a drive and it was boring and didn't help at all. I continued fuming when I returned home at midnight. Charlie had already gone to bed so I just went right to my own room and tried to sleep.

The hypnosis sessions had been going on three times a week for just over two weeks now. Being the first week of February, Valentine's Day crap was everywhere. People were always walking around with stupid smiles and roses and holding hands and stuffing tongues down throats. It was revolting.

The hypnosis left me wondering what I'd said throughout the session. That is, until I walked in for my Tuesday session and stupid old Howley was sitting there looking at me with a grim expression on his face.

"Have a seat, Miss Swan." I did. "We need to have a talk about something. I've already talked to your parents, but I need you to understand what is going on."

"Fine."

"We are going to be enrolling you in... Well, in a program of sorts."

"A program?" The acid was back in my voice. It felt good, if I were being honest.

"Yes. We... Well, my diagnosis of your condition leads me to believe you need further treatment."

"Your _diagnosis of my condition?_ You mean your half-considered prescription for issues you barely know considering I've only been in here SEVEN times?"

"Miss Swan, please calm down. Just let me explain."

I glowered.

"There is a facility just outside of Port Angeles that is equipped to help you. I'm not going to prescribe you any pills. These people can help."

"You're sending me to a mental institution?! On what grounds?" The acid in my voice was starting to burn my own throat. Or perhaps that was the screaming.

"Miss Swan, the symptoms are indisputable. You have a severe form of psychosis. You show signs of hallucinations, delusional beliefs, disorganized thoughts and even, as both of your parents agree, severe personality changes. I'm sorry, Isabella, but there's no arguing this."

"Hallucinations? Delusional beliefs? Disorganized thoughts? What kind of crap are you talking about?"

"When under hypnosis, your topics of discussion change rapidly, usually occurring mid-sentence. That is a tell-tale sign of disorganized thoughts, Miss Swan. And as far as hallucinations and delusional beliefs are concerned... You talk a lot about creatures that don't exist. You tell me memories that even your parents contradict. Such as having been attacked by a vampire in a ballet studio back in Phoenix, but your parents tell me that at the time you claim this happened, you had fallen down a flight of stairs and through a window while visiting with an old boyfriend. You talk about a vampire who used to visit you a few weeks ago, who 'rescued' you in the woods? Miss Swan, your hallucinations and delusional beliefs are inarguable."

And that was the end of it. I got up and left. I tried talking to Charlie, I'd even called and begged Renee not to do this. They were both set in what they thought they had to do. So, on Monday of next week, they would be signing me in to a mental institution.

I walked up to my room, having skipped dinner, and slammed the door. I threw myself on the bed and pulled my pillow up to my face. My nose hit something hard and plastic and I lifted myself up to see. A CD case. That was odd. I would have sworn I'd tossed this across the room. My eyes lifted to the wall I'd thrown it at and, sure enough, there it was lying on the floor. The case was shattered and the disc was probably ruined. Good. That still didn't explain the CD case on my pillow. I lifted it and looked at it from a different angle, tilting it towards the light.

In sharp, deliberate script, there was an address printed on the disc. That was it. I took the CD out of the case and grabbed my portable CD player, popping it in and turning it on. It appeared there were only two tracks.

I hit play and pulled the headphones over my ears.

"_No one is harder on me than myself, or so it seems._" I knew the song. I knew the song well. This was different. This was acoustic, it wasn't recorded in a studio anywhere. And the singer's voice was completely different. It was softer, much more mellow. There was no straining, vocally it was all a very fluid almost-whisper.

"_Some say that you are my curse, my own worst enemy. I think they're wrong. They never thought our life could be like this. They never thought. // I'll be your safe ride home when you call me, I'll be everything and more when you call my name. // I thought no one is smarter than me. No, I don't need anyone's help or so it seemed. You changed me for the good, they never understood. But even if they tried, I doubt they could. So take my nervous hand and we can take a stand, we don't have to live by their demands._" I had always enjoyed the song on it's own, but the lyrics meant something completely different for me today. The tears started to come swiftly.

"_I never thought life could be like this. I never thought._" And then it hit me. The voice. So melodic. _Unnaturally melodic._ James.

"_I'll be your safe ride home when you call me, I'll be everything and more when you call my name. // When I'm with you there's no worries. When I'm with you there's no shame. When I'm with you I'm secure. We choose to live against the grain. They could say we lack the progress. They could say that we're a mess. They could say we'll never make it. And I know we're better than their test and I don't hear them anyway. // I'll be your safe ride home when you call me, I'll be everything and more when you call my name_."

I was sobbing uncontrollably by the time the final chorus ended. There was a short pause as the tracks changed. I waited, listening intently even over my harsh sobs. The next song I was less familiar with, but the voice was still James.

"_Read me the letter, baby, do not leave out the words. Stories and cigarettes ruined lives of lesser girls, and I wanna know 'cause I want you to know. // And it's a strange condition, a day in prison. It's got me out of my head and I don't know what I came for. // Send me the money, baby, do not leave out the wage. You know you're the best thing ever to come out of this place._" I giggled in the middle of my tears.

"_Hey, I want you to know 'cause I wanna know. // And it's a strange condition, a day in prison. It's got me out of my head and I don't know what I came for, I want you to know, I want you to know, I want you to know..._" I got the impression throughout the song that certain lines weren't as important. Perhaps it was because he mumbled those.

"_So leave out the others, baby, say I'm the only one. Cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun. Hey, I want you to know 'cause I wanna know. Yeah, I gotta know_." The sobbing was overwhelming as the song ended. I knew without a doubt that the final few lines were exactly why he was singing the song to begin with. I hit the repeat button twice so it would repeat both songs, and I continued sobbing to myself. Everything that had been happening in the past few months welled up beneath my eyelids and ripped through me, choking me on my tears and aggravating the gaping hole in my chest.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** Okay, so the first set of lyrics is from Cute is what we Aim for's song "Safe Ride" and the second set is from Pete Yorn's song "Strange Condition".


	16. Chapter 15

**A/N: ** So this is sooner than I expected, but here's the next chapter!! :D

**the Alarmists** x _Light a Smoke_

song can be found via the link in my profile! this song is a beautiful add-on to this chapter. It gives life to it. just sayin. :)

Oh, and by the way guysssss. This chapter is rated very mature. You'll see why. A few paragraphs into James's POV, if you aren't interested in naughty, I suggest you skip down to where I will type "resume the non naughty". Okay? :D

--

**BPOV**

It had been three days since I found the CD. Three long, tiring days. It was Friday evening. I had done something kind of stupid. Kind of. Skipping school was the least of my concern. I had gotten on mapquest and estimated the distance from my house to the address printed on the CD. I figured it was James's home address. What else could it be? It was a twenty hour trip, give or take. I couldn't believe it when I read that. _Twenty hours?_ James got there in just over two hours!

Then I was just impressed.

I wrote a note to Charlie. Saying I was staying at an unspecified friend's house the next night right after school, since I'd be in a mental institution for an unknown period of time. That would guilt him into not asking questions. I also made sure to say I would be leaving early for school the next morning. I didn't bother citing a reason. I just threw a duffle bag of spare clothes into the bed of my truck and hopped in the drivers seat. It had been eleven PM when I pulled out of Charlie's driveway. It was now seven in the evening as I pulled up in front of James's house. I recognized it immediately and was grateful for that. I'd been crying on and off for the entire drive. I had also gone without sleep.

I was exhausted, starving and emotionally wiped out. I must have looked a mess. I leaned my head against the steering-wheel and let myself have a good, hard cry before I made my way up to his door to beg him to not hate me. And, maybe, help me figure out what to do. The tears burned my sore eyes but that didn't stop them from coming, my shoulders heaved with the powerful hiccups of breath I managed to take. I had uploaded the songs to my iPod and, even though it was illegal, kept my earbuds in the entire drive. I listened to the same two songs the whole way here. They continued to play in my ears as I felt like my body was slowly ripping itself apart from the inside. Eventually, I got myself under control and wiped my face. I waited a few minutes for my eyes to become less puffy and my face to stop being so viciously blotchy. When I felt I was as presentable as I was going to get, I reached across the seat and grabbed my pack of cigarettes. I lit one as it hung between my lips and took a good, hard drag before I pushed the door of the cab open and tumbled my way out of the truck. I smoked to keep myself under control. I never removed my earbuds. The music somehow kept me reigned in. It kept me from wanting to kill myself. It kept me from wanting to kill other people.

It had saved numerous lives thus far.

I reached into the bed of the truck and grabbed the duffle bag, holding it firmly in my left hand as I smoked with my right. I had stopped in front of my side mirror on the truck and inspected myself. My comfortable grey zip-up short-sleeved hoodie looked wrinkled. My white beater beneath it looked really used. I glanced downward, hoping to find something decent upon my person. My dark blue skinny jeans stretched down my long legs and disappeared into my knee-high creamy tan boots. They didn't have heels, which was why I bought them. And they were cute. Like it mattered. I still looked like crap. I let the cigarette hang from my lips as I walked up the small sidewalk to the front door, my right hand fidgeting with my iPod in the pocket of my zip-up. I continued taking drags from my cigarette and blowing the smoke out of my nose, never needing to pull the cigarette from my lips. I had sort of become a chain smoker.

I released my iPod in my pocket and lifted my right hand to tap lightly on the door.

--

**JPOV**

It had been three days since I left the CD on her pillow. She hadn't shown up. She wasn't going to. I lay on my bed, dry sobbing into my pillow, with my mp3 player repeatedly playing back the songs I had recorded for her. _How pitiful_. It was a stupid, cheesy idea to begin with. How I had let myself do it was beyond me, but what was even worse was how I had managed to run for two plus hours and set it on her pillow and _still _not see how fucking lame it was. No wonder she wasn't here.

I was a moron.

The pansy weeping continued.

Through the painful volume of the music in my ears, I heard a soft rapping on the door. Of course. Someone just had to be knocking so that they could see how much of a pussy I was. Figures. Salt in the wound. I pushed myself up and drug my hand across my face to hopefully shake the stupid sobbing look from it. I grabbed my beer from the bedside table in the hopes of making it look like my bloodshot eyes were from drinking and not sobbing. I yanked one earbud from my ear and walked to the door. I caught a whiff of something flowery. Freesia? Lilac? I sniffed again. And lavender. They were smells that reminded me of Bella. Fuck.

I yanked the door open, furious and bitter and more than ready to rip the head off of whoever it was that was disturbing me.

My beer bottle shattered when it hit the floor. I hadn't even noticed it had fallen out of my hand.

Bella stood at my door. Her own eyes were red and bloodshot and looked puffier than they should be. She had her own earbuds in. I let my eyes roll over her slowly. She couldn't really be here. She looked fantastic. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. Her skinny jeans hugged her thighs perfectly, making her legs look longer than they were. Her boots hid her calves from view, which really only made someone want to see them more, and as I let my eyes lift upwards again I enjoyed the look of her endless legs thoroughly. I began considering if I really was a leg man. I'd never really thought so before. My eyes roamed over her perfect little hips, sliding up her torso to see her zip-up, but more interestingly, the beat up white beater beneath that. It was clearly another skin on her, and beneath that she seemed to be wearing a lacy white bra. Moving on before I could make it obvious that's what I was noticing, I followed the flow of her long hair in it's big, gentle curves, with my eyes. There was a cigarette between her cotton-candy pink lips, and from the smell of it it was a menthol. Her lips looked glossy, and as the cigarette moved between her lips as she breathed in some smoke, I realized it was leaving a mark on the filter. Was she wearing lipstick? I met her eyes then. There was thick mascara around them, pulling the warm chocolate brown of her already large eyes out farther, making them the single most attractive thing I had ever seen in my life. Her brow was knitted together gently, those big brown eyes looking terribly sad. I realized my jaw was hanging open.

I closed it abruptly. She was looking at me closely. I ripped the other earbud from my ear and dropped it, letting it dangle in front of my chest.

"Bella." I choked on her name. I was ready to swear she was a hallucination. When I said her name, she dropped something on the stoop beside her. My eyes darted down to see it. A duffle bag? How had I missed that? Oh. Right.

Her legs.

I shook my head to clear the image. It wasn't exactly the reality of what I had seen. More of a dirty fantasy of what I'd like to see. I shook my head again.

"James." Her voice was tiny, I could hear the music from her earbuds more than I could hear her voice. Wait. The music from her earbuds. It sounded _exactly _like the music coming from _my _earbuds. I listened harder, the need to be sure that I wasn't just hearing my own earbuds was overwhelming. But I was right, hers fifteen seconds ahead of mine. My inanimate heart leapt with joy.

She was listening to the songs I recorded for her.

As I figured this out, my eyes never left her face. I watched her right hand reach up and yank the cigarette from her lips. She dropped it on the stoop and crushed it beneath her boot.

"Christ, Bella. I can't believe you're here."

Apparently, she didn't need any further encouragement. She bent down and grabbed her bag, stepping towards me to enter the house, looking more of a woman than I'd ever seen her. Oh, Christ. This was not good for my self-control. I took a step back, making room for her to enter into the kitchen. Once she was fully in the house, her left leg lifted and smoothly pushed the door shut behind her. It was but a light tap and yet the door swung closed completely. She didn't stop moving.

She dropped her bag again. **_(( this is where i will say "warning" ))_**

She took three more steps towards me. I didn't back up. Within a moment, she was close enough that I could _feel _her body heat. My skin was screaming for me to close the microscopic distance between us. I let my gaze move up to her eyes. The second our eyes met, she pressed her lips to mine fully.

At the same time as her lips crushed against mine, I could feel her entire body pressed against me. I lost control of my own actions.

My arms were around her waist, she was lifted from the ground and in response, she wrapped her fantastic long legs around my hips. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she turned her head slightly, making the kiss deeper. Her mouth was open against mine and I had no idea how to bring my limbs back into my control. I was walking towards my bedroom. I was slamming the door behind us. I was pinning her to my bed. My tongue was in her mouth.

I hadn't even said hello before that beater of hers was off and I could see her lacy bra against her chest. I had no idea when the zip-up had been removed. She was working to unbutton the few buttons I'd done up of my shirt. It was not going well. I let my right hand reach up and grab the loose material near my collar bone. I ripped the entire shirt in half without taking my mouth from hers. I don't know where it went after that. My hand was on her hip and I was groaning into her mouth. I fought for control. I fought _hard._

Her kiss became a bit frantic at that point. She was reaching her arms around my back, her hands climbing up my shoulder blades. I tore my mouth from hers and buried my face against her neck. I kissed my way up and down her pulse, sucking gently on her collar bone. She whimpered beneath me. I very nearly ruined the entire goal by finishing in my pants at that noise. I let my hands lift from her hips and roam up her smooth stomach, along the sides of her rib cage, over her shoulders until one hand slid it's way down her back to rest at the base of her spine, while the other one cupped the back of her neck and pulled her delicious smell towards my mouth and nose even further.

She whispered my name. What little control I had managed to get back was gone. Instantaneously. My mouth was all over her chest. I licked the soft flesh of her breasts, sucked on delicious looking sections of skin stretched across her ribs. My mouth made it's way down her stomach, sucking on her hip bone. I desperately wanted to run my teeth against the flesh as it stretched over the delicate bones of her frame. All the control I could muster in my entire being kept me from doing that. And that was it.

There was my name again, passing through her lips. Louder this time. I tore her jeans off. The scraps of material tossed carelessly to the side. My rash action was rewarded with the most intoxicating sight of her thin white lace panties. That same problem of almost finishing before we'd started happened again. I groaned and closed my eyes. I pushed my torso upwards, pressing my knee between her thighs so I could let my hips rest there. My mouth found her neck again. My lips pressed against her warm flesh and I could feel her heartbeat against them. I could hear her blood rushing through her.

--

**BPOV**

His was at my neck for the second time already. I let out a deep groan as he moved upwards more, running his hot tongue behind my ear. My hands wandered all over his back, my nails digging into his hard skin and dragging. I felt, rather than heard, him hiss into my hair as his back arched into my nails. My hands went to his face, cupping both sides and yanking him up to my lips. I wrapped my legs around his hips again, locking my feet behind him, and pulled with all my might to get him to fall against me.

He did. And when I felt his whole body against mine I nearly screamed his name. His cool skin sent chills over every inch of my burning skin that met his. The gasp that left my lips was anything but controllable. I rushed my tongue into his mouth, warring with his for dominance. I let my hands drag over his thick scruff of facial hair and eventually rake through his short hair on his head. I pulled my fingers heavily down his neck before tearing my lips from his and kissing and nibbling my way down his neck. The noises coming from his mouth were inexplicably arousing.

I muttered something like "_fuck me_" under my breath as I let my teeth dig against his collar bone. I felt him moving out of his jeans above me but I focused on nothing more than moving my mouth all over his broad chest. Then his cool hand was on my breast, rubbing in a mostly rough way while his other hand tugged my panties down to my knees. Then both of his hands were there, lifting my legs up with unbelievable gentility to finish removing my lacy underwear. His mouth was back on mine fiercely and for a moment, I wondered if my gums would bleed. The idea thrilled me and I kissed him harder. I bit his lower lip and he huffed into my mouth. Within seconds our tongues were warring again. At almost the same instant, I felt his cool middle finger slip along the pooling wetness between my legs. He was gentle, not entering anything, only rubbing slowly in circles as he made his way up slowly. And there it was. When his chilled finger touched my swollen flesh I came. My entire body exploded with tiny stars and my eyes were shocked open. I felt bolts of electricity go from the top of my head straight down to my toes, which scrunched up in pleasure.

I was looking into his burning green eyes as I rode the last few waves of my orgasm. His expression was nothing if not caring and gentle and I watched his eyes carefully as he peered into my own, feeling his way down into the depths of my soul with those brooding green eyes. I threw myself upwards until our lips collided and the very same hand that thrilled me lifted to wrap around my neck and lower me back onto the bed.

**_(( resume the non-naughty ))_**

Having my eyes shut to kiss him with my body spent made me realize just how tired I was. My half of the kiss slowed, calmed. His returned the feeling, softening against my own until he finally pulled away and rubbed his nose along my jawline. Then he kissed the side of my nose closest to my eye and buried his face into my hair, sighing heavily.

I was still seeing stars on the far edges of my vision when he said "Bella, you should sleep." I shook my head and attempted to argue but the second I opened my mouth, I was pulled into a yawn. I smirked at him as he grinned down at me. "Yes, Bella, you should sleep." And then he kissed my temple and the room got dark as I shut my eyes and he pulled the blanket from under me by lifting my entire body with one arm. Draping the blanket over me, he curled up around me with the blanket between us and I realized that I fit quite nicely against him.

And then I slept, my virginity still intact but for once, I didn't feel like it mattered. I was satiated.


	17. Chapter 16

**A/N:** I must say, I feel dirty lol. I'm not one for writing lemons, so I've got that aftertaste in my mouth lol. Which may prove useful for this chapter, but yeah. So anyway, here I am. :D

**the Vincent Black Shadow** x _House of tasteful men_

I know I say this a lot, but the songs really do add something to the chapter. Especially the last few. This one really represents Bella's perspective and adds an energy to the entire chapter that, I think, is sorely lacking without the song.

--

**BPOV**

The sunlight shining into the large window of the bedroom was what woke me up. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I wasn't quite ready for acknowledging something. I rolled over onto the side opposite the enormous bay window, the smooth feel of silk sheets gliding across my skin eliciting a gentle hum from my throat. _Wait._ I shouldn't be able to feel the sheets directly on my skin. Where were my clothes? My eyes shot open and I immediately looked down at my mostly naked figure. I shrieked to myself and grabbed the sheet, yanking it up around my chest and tucking it under my arms. _How had this --_

No. There was no need to question this. I knew what happened. I was a moron. I looked around the room frantically. It was empty, the door to what I could only assume was an adjacent bathroom was shut. There didn't seem to be any noise coming from inside. I stood up and searched the room for my clothes. I found my panties on the floor at the foot of the bed. I looked around some more as I slipped them on. There was my tank top across the room hanging off a cushy looking chair. I walked over and pulled it on, allowing the blanket to drop. Then I was standing in James's bedroom in my lacy white panties and my beater. Where the fuck were my pants? My eyes went over the bedroom repeatedly until finally landing on the lamp near the bed.

Scraps of material hung over it.

Just scraps.

I cursed under my breath as I walked over and picked them up. Yep. These were the remnants of my skinny jeans, all right.

"Goddammit."

_I was not walking into the kitchen in my panties._

I walked over to the dark dresser and opened up the middle drawer. Most everyone put underwear in the top, I certainly wasn't going to go riffling through his underwear drawer. I checked the label on a pair of shorts. Way. Too. Big. I sighed to myself, deciding I needed to brush my teeth and check my appearance in the mirror before I decided what to put on over my underwear.

I opened the door and locked it behind me. Hanging from a towel rack was a pair of my own pants and a clean t-shirt. He must have gotten them from my duffle bag for me. Resting on a small table beside the large old-fashioned tub sat a matching set of bra and panties. I sighed to myself. I didn't want to think about what had happened. I certainly didn't want to think about James taking the time to set out fresh clothes for me. Or the wonderful plump towel that was beneath the clean underwear. Or the brand new bottles of shampoo and conditioner (brand name, clearly labeled as "lavender"). Or the oatmeal body wash and loofah. Or the unopened toothbrush and toothpaste. I didn't want to think about how he had set out an array of hair products upon the counter by the sink. Or the hairbrush and professional looking facial wash. Or the deodorant. I hadn't brought any with me, I hadn't really been thinking, but what sat on the counter right now was my exact brand.

Boy, did he have a good nose.

I shook the thought out of my head. He really shouldn't have done all of this. It was only encouraging my behavior. It occurred to me that what had happened would need to be addressed. That sinking feeling I got in my stomach when I woke up? It just about tripled in size and, like a lead weight, hit the bottom of my feet heavily. I decided I wasn't going to use anything I did not absolutely need. I brushed my teeth and put on some fresh deodorant. I washed my face with hand soap.

I was being immature.

--

**JPOV**

Bella was snoring softly. The sound was lovely. Snoring wasn't the correct term. Perhaps humming. Not long after, she began mumbling in her sleep. Nothing was coherent, really, but I smiled into her hair anyway. She made quite a few contended sounds as she pressed her back against my chest farther. I kissed her shoulder softly. And then her neck. Then her hair. I did this for hours. I just loved having her here, lying with me and sleeping peacefully.

Her mumbles started to become a bit more coherent. My name escaped her lips. I smiled into her hair, repressing a chuckle.

"_Mistake._"

I froze.

"_Edward._"

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"_Edward, James was a mistake. Don't go._"

I released my grip on her and sat up, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and staring out of the bay window. The sun was coming up. The hole in my chest that had seemed to close the second she walked in the house was suddenly on fire. I shoved myself off the bed and pulled the curtains closed, turning away and snatching up some clothes before I walked out into the living room. I got dressed and grabbed my keys and wallet from the side table by the door. I shoved on my boots and left the house.

My motorcycle was around the other side of the house and I hopped onto it quickly. I should pick up some things for her at the store, she'd probably need to shower in the morning. You know, scrub my touch from her skin and all that.

I felt the bitterness welling up inside of my throat and before I could start the vampiric imitation of crying, I sped off down the road. There was something freeing about riding a motorcycle. Unlike running, I wasn't pumping out frustration or anxiety. Speeding down a long stretch of road on a highway just encouraged those feelings.

Especially anger.

This was a bad idea. But instead of stopping and walking to the store, I gunned it and ended up speeding down the road at over a hundred miles an hour. The small store I stopped at was practically empty. I walked slowly through the isles, trying to level off my anger and not really succeeding. I threw an array of hair products into the mini-cart. I didn't know what, or if at all, she used so I simply made sure to purchase the most expensive brand names in every possible product. It seemed reasonable. When I got to the shampoo and conditioner, I knew what she favored as far as scents were concerned, so I found the most expensive one with that smell. I went through everything I thought she could need in my head. Deodorant, which I found almost immediately, and a new toothbrush and paste. I picked up a hair brush and facial scrub. Her scents were so specific. By the time I had gathered all of the things I thought she would need, I picked up a few extra groceries for the house, which I always kept fully stocked, and rang myself up.

I left the grocery store two hundred dollars lighter. I called a taxi to take my bags to my house, paying him half in advance so he would meet me there. I hopped on the bike and was home in under five minutes. I waited for the taxi and paid the man for the rest of the tab, removing my bags and entering the house. I put the groceries away first, and then grabbed the rest of the bags and headed into the bathroom, sweeping up her duffle bag along the way. I arranged everything neatly, pulling out a simple change of clothes from her bag and hanging them up on a hanger. I zipped up her bag and brought it back out into the kitchen.

It was nearly nine in the morning. I didn't know what she'd told Charlie, but it probably wasn't much and I certainly didn't need him going on a manhunt for her. I marched back into the bedroom, yanking the curtains open and leaving.

It was bright enough that she would be awake soon.

It was a pansy move. I knew that.

Twenty minutes later she was in the bathroom. Within five minutes she was in the kitchen. I was sitting on a stool facing the small island with my back to her. There was a plate of donuts sitting to my side and a glass of milk. There was a smaller one of orange juice beside it. I hated myself.

"James.."

I said nothing. I knew what she was going to say. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't look at her. The anger was boiling in my stomach. I was angry at myself, for one, for ever bothering to begin with. Clearly she was completely out of my reach. But what hurt the most was that _she came here. _And now it was a mistake. She made a choice and now, whether I wanted to be or not, I was part of a problem. She had kissed me. I hadn't done anything to instigate the events of last night. In fact, I had reigned things in. _She had asked for more._ I had made a decision that I thought was for the best, I figured she should be in a better state when she made the decision to actually have sex with someone. Clearly I was right.

But even with my attempts to keep things from going to far, they had. I locked my jaw tightly. I couldn't say anything to her. I would blow up. My temper would get the better of me and I would scare her off and then I would have no chance to fix things. No chance at all.

"James, I'm really sorry about last night."

I shrugged. I still didn't look at her. "Have a donut," I grumbled and lifted myself from the stool before walking to the counter by the sink and taking the coffee pot from it's burner and pouring some into a mug. I grabbed the creamer from the fridge and slammed both of them onto the island. There was already sugar there. Even facing the island, knowing she was only a few feet in front of me and all I had to do was lift my eyes, I still couldn't bring myself to look at her. I turned around again and let my hands fall against the sides of the sink, staring out through the small window above it.

"I never should have come. I never... I never should have done what I did last night."

And here it comes.

"It was a mistake."

There was the fury I was waiting for, the tremor of vicious, unbridled rage. I ground my teeth together and shut my eyes, my entire body becoming tense. I held my breath. I counted backwards from fifty. By the time I hit ten, there was no stopping what came from my mouth.

"Yeah, using me was a pretty low fucking thing to do, Bella." I heard her shuffle where she stood. "In fact, it's probably best you got it out of your system now. That way you aren't dragging me along."

"Fuck you, James."

"You tried," I spat. The venom was pooling in my mouth. I had no choice but to swallow it down.

"You're a fucking prick, you know that?"

"Me? Yeah, Bella, I am. But at least I don't go around using people."

"I didn't see you fighting me last night, James! Take some fucking credit why don't you?"

"I was hardly fucking using you, Bella. In case you forget, I was the only one practicing any level of restraint." I turned around and leaned the small of my back against the counter top. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her, finally meeting her eyes. She was furious, perhaps almost as furious as me. Her little hands were balled up into fists at her side and her shoulders were tense. I wanted to soothe her, to rub the tension from her shoulders and smell her hair.

I hated myself even more, and in turn, my anger only grew.

"Yeah, James. Clearly ripping my pants apart was practicing restraint." Her voice was level, fueled by animosity.

"I didn't see you fucking complaining."

--

**BPOV**

That cocky sonofabitch with his blazing green eyes and strong jaw and fierce body. Fuck him. Fuck him sideways.

"Fuck you sideways, James. You're being ridiculous." I reached down to the duffle bag that was near the island and pulled out my cigarettes and lighter. I lit up right there in his kitchen, breathing in the smoke and praying it would keep me in check.

Here I was pissing of vampires again. And this one was beginning to frighten me.

"I sure as fucking hell don't need this right now, James."

"Christ, Bella. I'm sorry. Next time you use me I'll make sure not to inconvenience you with the consequences."

"Go to hell."

"Very mature."

"Oh, I'm being immature? What about you, James? You'd think that someone your age would be able to handle himself better around a little eighteen year old human girl. Maybe even practice some control."

"Sorry,_ babe, _but throwing yourself at anyone has it's consequences. Regardless of how long they've been around." His voice was bitter, there was something else bothering him. It wasn't just that I thought this was a mistake.

"What the fuck is your issue, James? This can't be the only thing that's got you so worked up. You're practically spitting fire." He was silent, his eyes burning into mine from across the room.

Strange as it was, I felt myself go a little weak in the knees. As scared as I knew I should be, and mind you, I certainly was feeling the beginnings of fear here, all I could think about was him ripping off my jeans.

And maybe a bit of how I'd like for him to do it again.

"It's none of your concern, Bella. _I'm_ a mistake, I'll deal with it." His emphasis was clear. And then it hit me. He was reacting over something I didn't say. Something I didn't say _while I was awake._

"What did I say in my sleep, James?" He was caught off guard. He even looked it.

"You - nothing. You didn't say anything, Bella."

"Don't fucking lie to me."

"Don't fucking act like you give a shit!" His voice wasn't so much a yell as it was a roar, the air around me vibrating with it. I shivered. Okay, I was fucking scared.

"I do give a shit, James. What the fuck is wrong with you?" The cigarette was not helping. I was pulsing with my own anger and his stupid reactions weren't helping, either.

"Edward, Bella. Edward is what is fucking wrong with me. And while we're talking about him, _he's clearly what is wrong with you, too._"

Oh. No. He. Did. Not.

"Don't talk about him." My voice was low, menacing even to me. I thought, for a moment, that I saw a moment of sheer panic cross James's face.

Had I just frightened a vampire?

"I'll talk about whatever I want, Bella. Besides, _you're _the one who brought him up." There it was. I had clearly been talking about Edward in my sleep.

"How the fuck does me talking about him in my sleep matter?"

"When you're already telling him I was a mistake, Bella. That's when it starts mattering. When you tell the guy who left you unprotected and fucking shattered that _I'm the fucking mistake._ Sorry for ever wanting to pick up your goddamn pieces for you."

"_I don't need you to pick up my fucking pieces, James. I'm a big fucking girl._"

"Yeah. Obviously. Because big girls run to someone's house and throw themselves at said person and regret it the next morning."

Gah. What the fuck did he want from me?

"I can't say it wasn't a mistake, James. It was stupid."

I watched in silence as James stepped towards me. Closer. I stepped back when he was right up to me, his eyes so enraged that I, for once, feared for my life. My knees were wobbly. My breath was hitching in my throat. But that wasn't the fear. No, even I had to admit that every single deliberate and vicious step he took was sending shivers of excitement down my spine.

I was fucked up.

"Stupid, Bella? That's really fucking fair." His voice was low. He was inches from me. His breath danced across my skin. "It could have been worse, you know."

"I guess this is how it's done then, James." I paused before blurting out, "Good thing I didn't fuck you, then." I don't know why I said that. Maybe I was pushing him. Maybe I wanted to see what would happen. And boy did something happen.

The growl started in his chest, moved up his throat and when it finally escaped his mouth, my entire body was crying for him. I didn't move, I didn't back down. I refused to let the stupid pleasure show. So I stared into his eyes, determined not to flinch. He was visibly shaking with his fury.

Then he hit the wall behind my head and I heard it crumple under his fist. It didn't sound like any other time someone had punched through a wall. No, I actually heard _the entire wall behind me crumple to the ground._

"Fuck. You. Bella."

"Please."

--

**Ending Notes:** In case you didn't listen to the song while reading this (tsk, tsk, tsk) here are some of the lyrics:

_I like when you burn me for the bad things that I do to you. _

_I didn't mean to hurt you, boy. _

_I didn't mean to break your heart. _

_I didn't mean to hurt you, boy, _

_**but this is how it's done**_.

Let me know what your thoughts are okay? I'll try to type up the next chapter today but I need encouragement!


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N: **So I really wanted to do this chapter today but I was struggling with it. I do that a lot lately lol. But I get 'em out, at least. So I was listening to these two songs and when I did, I knew where I needed to take this chapter. :D Here goes.

Bella POV song: **Paramore** x _I caught myself_

James POV song: ** the Pierces** x _Lies_

* * *

**JPOV**

What the fuck was wrong with her? Was she serious? She was antagonizing me, clearly. But fuck me for wanting her again. I growled for the second time and spun away from her. I opened and closed my fists over and over again. I focused all my tension into the palms of my hands. Every time I opened them, I imagined dropping my tension right there on the floor.

Some meditation techniques worked.

Some didn't.

"I need to leave for a while, Bella." She didn't say anything. "I need to run. Or something. I'll be back."

I bolted out the door, taking off down the beach and stripping out of my clothes fluidly as I did so. I dove in the cold water completely naked, swimming out into the ocean at full speed. I let my mind wander while I swam, this was really the only safe place for me to do so. If I freaked out and lost control... Well, Bella wasn't here to have to brace for that.

_Was I missing something? _I couldn't understand why we seemed to be on such completely different pages. The way she reacted to me... I couldn't have imagined that. Was I fooling myself into thinking she was interested? Was she forcing herself not to be interested? Was she turning to me only because she was having trouble dealing with... with _Edward_ leaving? With therapy? Did she want something else from me?

I stopped swimming. I let my body sink to the ocean floor and I sat there, tucking my legs beneath me Indian style, and thought this over. Perhaps she _did _want something else from me. Why wouldn't she have just mentioned it rather than try to sleep with me? What kind of leverage would sleeping with me offer her?

_Did she even realize she wanted something else?_

I growled under water. This was ridiculous. Why was I bothering to do this the hard way? I could peer into her mind and answer all these questions with the source.

I valued her privacy, _that's why_. _It's also why I don't just make her decisions for her._ She's perfectly capable. I wouldn't insult her by trying to run her life.

Although her actions lately lead me to believe she may not be as capable as I'm giving her credit for.

I really just wanted to go get drunk. I could do that.

Hm.

I turned and swam back home. When I climbed out of the water, I snatched up my dry clothes and walked back to the house without putting anything on except my boxer briefs, which were now soaked. I opened the door and walked to the bedroom, surprised to find Bella sitting on the bed hugging a pillow. I didn't say anything as I walked into the bathroom and stripped out of my boxer briefs.

Then I realized I hadn't grabbed any new ones. I wasn't used to company. I wasn't about to be a girl about it and wrap a towel around myself, so I simply marched out of the bathroom and opened the top drawer of my dresser to retrieve a new pair of boxer briefs. I heard her stifle a gasp and smirked as I walked back into the bathroom. I don't know why that gave me such an ego boost.

I decided I smelled too much like the ocean so took a quick shower and got dressed after. I checked my scruff in the mirror and decided I still didn't want to shave. I brushed my teeth and used some body spray (why it was called that was beyond me, it sounded so _not _deodorant) and left the bathroom. Bella was still sitting on the bed hugging a pillow but I noticed this time that she had her iPod and was listening to it quietly.

I looked into her large brown eyes and sighed. She slowly lifted one of her earbuds from her ear and looked down at the bed. I looked to the left and saw the gaping hole in my bedroom wall. I would have to fix that. The entire side of the wall to the left of the door was in a messy heap. Fine. I'd go first.

"I'm sorry for being bitter." She looked up at me immediately and I swear I watched the tears pool in her eyes before she steeled herself against them and they vanished entirely.

"You were a fucking asshole, James." I bit back a growl.

"You were a grade-A bitch, Bella."

We stared at each other from across the room, neither one wanting to back down.

Of course it was me. Bitch ass motherfucker that I am.

I noted that my language had gotten a lot less controlled. Even in my own head. I sighed.

"I'm going out to get drunk. Would you like to come? I can bring something home instead of going out, if you want." She looked shocked but seemed to skip a mental debate and simply nodded. "Is there anything you would like specifically?" The look she gave me told me everything I needed to know.

The first and last drink she'd had was the wine at _Red._

"I'll get a selection." And I left. For the second time that day.

--

**BPOV**

James had left about five minutes ago to pick up some form of liquid intoxicant. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I also wasn't sure I fully understood what James was capable of as a vampire. I knew he was powerful, I knew he was different. But the more I was around him, the more I noticed he was able to do things that I just didn't understand how vampires were capable of doing.

I knew he didn't necessarily need human food, but I didn't know how else to show him I was sorry, too. I was opening up random cabinets in the kitchen to estimate what I could make. He had absolutely _everything._ I decided on making something light, I figured it would be easier to get drunk that way and if I went overboard I wouldn't be puking up too much food, and made some fresh fruit salad and vegetarian pizza. I crammed the pizza with cheese and broccoli and hunks of fresh tomato and black olives. I skipped the sauce entirely. It smelled amazing. I pulled it out of the oven just as James walked in the door, carrying two large boxes that I could only assume held the liquor. He eyed me in the kitchen, wearing his simple white apron and holding a fresh homemade pizza in my hand. I set it on the stove quickly once I began feeling the heat through the towel I had used to get it from the oven. I set the towel down and glanced down awkwardly, feeling quite sheepish.

"It, uh. It smells good." That was surprising.

"You don't have to say that, James..."

"No, I mean it."

And I believed him. He moved into the kitchen farther, shutting the door with his foot, and set the boxes on top of the island counter. One by one, he began pulling all kinds of bottles out. They varied in shapes and sizes and colors and I noticed that half of them were wines. There was a bottle of champagne in there, along with a few creme liquors. I noticed most of it didn't seem to be the hard alcohol that I heard everyone talking about in school. I noticed no vodka or rum or tequila anywhere on the counter. How was he planning on getting drunk on this stuff?

"I have to go out and get the other stuff, I uh.. I'll be right back." And he left again, only to return a moment later with two more boxes and a case of beer underneath one of them.

"Did you buy out the whole store?" He chuckled and shrugged as he pushed the empty boxes off the island with the new ones.

"I wasn't sure what you'd like. I _did _say I was going to get a selection."

"You lived up to it." He looked up at me and met my eyes, and for a moment, I forgot we'd spent the day fighting. I smiled at him and his eyes took on a lighter shade of green, as if they reflected the burden of his thoughts. He released the boxes on the counter and walked around it until he was facing me.

"I really am sorry about being bitter, Bella. I just," he let out a frustrated sigh and looked down onto the counter, "I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about things yet. I mean, really, we've known each other only a little over a week and somehow, I find myself completely stupid over you."

There went my knees again.

I didn't know what to say. I mean, _could I really have feelings for him? _I was inclined to think so, considering my actions. But I certainly wasn't going to say anything about that to him. I didn't need to lead him on any, and he was clearly feeling that way already.

"I think we should get to the evening, don't you? No more of this... business." He nodded, about to turn around and get out the rest of the bottles before he stopped and lifted his hand to my face. His thumb brushed against my cheekbone and he sighed, releasing my face and going back to his task. I sliced up the pizza and found some paper plates. He got out a few different glasses, I supposed for different drinks. By the time he was done getting everything out of the boxes, the entire island was full of different bottles.

And he'd put the beer in the fridge.

"So what would you like to start with?" I looked up at him and made a face. I had no fricking idea. Seriously, now.

"I don't have the slightest idea."

"All right. Why don't you go sit down in the living room and find something to listen to. I'll make you a drink." So I did. I found a CD that seemed interesting and managed to open the stereo without breaking anything. I hit play and sat down to listen to the music. He brought me out a plate with a slice of pizza and a drink in a small class.

"It's a coconut rum and coke. It goes well with pizza." I nodded as he went back out into the kitchen and returned with a full bottle of something that had a slight burnt orange color. _Bacardi 151_. Hm. He set a shot glass down beside it and took a bite out of his own slice of pizza. Glancing up at me, he caught my curious gaze and smirked.

"Oh, you don't want any of that." I perked my brow. Oh, really?

"Why not?"

"It's strong. Really strong."

"So? What better way to start, right?" I had to know now. It was his fault. He watched my face carefully and sighed, getting up and fetching another shot glass. He also made sure to grab a bottle of some fruit juice from the fridge.

"Fine. One shot, and you'll understand." I smiled at him. I would do that. And I would never let him know if I didn't like it. I'd drink as much as I could. He smirked back as if he knew some secret. He poured two shot glasses and slid one down the coffee table at me. Opening the bottle of juice, he placed it beside my shot glass and said, "Drink that after the shot. Do not breathe until you're drinking the juice. Trust me." I nodded and waited for him to pick up his shot glass.

"Take a small sip of juice to keep in your mouth with the shot." I lifted the bottle and did as he suggested. I watched him toss back his shot and never make a face. I imitated his movements and threw it into my mouth.

Then came the burning. The taste was horrible. But the burning was _so much worse._ I knew my face betrayed me and I hated myself for it. But it hurt like hell. I remembered his suggestion to drink the juice. I think I took a breath before I did so, though, because the flames in my throat only got angrier. I chugged down the juice in a few gulps and it only eased the fire slightly. I frowned at the juice. It had failed me. I looked up at met his gaze and he burst into a fit of laughter, setting his shot down and gesturing at my mixed drink.

"I suggest you stick to that a while. That shot will be enough for a while, anyway." I nodded and took another bite of pizza. We both leaned back on the couch and relaxed in silence for a few minutes. Every minute or two he would take another shot. I stopped counting at seventeen. The song that came on next was much slower than the others, and James stood up and offered me his hand. "Want to dance with me?"

I couldn't help myself, I smiled and took his hand. He helped me up and immediately, I felt my head spin. He grinned down at me and I couldn't help but chuckle. Apparently, he was always right.

I let him lead me to his empty floor, where he proceeded to wrap his arms around me and move gently to the music. I let my head rest on his chest and I shut my eyes. It was nice to be dancing with him.

"I don't want to end up the fool in this, Bella."

"I don't know what I want. I hate this. I feel like I'm only drawn to you because of him and it's not fair." He held me a little bit tighter. "I feel like you're not the one I really believe in and it's unfair to you but I don't know what to do. I just want to take what I can get." There was a long pause. I continued to just rest my head on his shoulder but my eyes were open now and I was staring at his shirt. He smelled so good against me.

_You got it, you got it. Some kind of magic._

_Hypnotic, hypnotic. You're leaving me breathless._

_I hate this, I hate this. You're not the one I believe in._

_With God as my witness._

"I'm willing to take what you are willing to give, Bella. Whatever that is."

* * *

**Ending Notes: **Okay, I know it was shorter but I really felt like that's where it needed to be ended. It was also anti-climactic. But that's okay for me right now lol. :D Let me know your thoughts.


	19. Chapter 18

**A/N:** I'm on a roll, and also, I wanted to continue last chapter lol. thank you for the reviews the past few chapters, guys! They do wonders for my updates. :D

Bella POV song: **Better than Ezra** x _Scared, are you?_

James POV song: **We the Kings** x _Check yes, Juliet_

* * *

**BPOV**

James had left me waiting for him on the bare floor so he could plug in his own mp3 player to his stereo. He put it on shuffle and walked back to me, having taken another shot before doing so.

"How many have you had?"  
"How many what?"

"Shots." His chuckle was lighthearted and I grinned back at him stupidly. No matter what I did, I could not wipe the ridiculous smile from my face.

"Twenty five."

"Fuck," I muttered. I'd only had one and a few sips of the other drink and here I was, wobbling as I stood. I wasn't even moving. Even for me, this was just sad. "I want another one."

He lifted his brow at me and crossed his arms. "Bella..."

"No. I'm serious. It's no fair that you can have that many and I'm only on one." His smirk was mocking.

"Fine, but you're not getting any more of the 151. That packs too much of a punch for you." I scowled at him but let him lead me into the kitchen, where he got out another clean shot glass and opened a bottle of coconut rum. I assumed it was what had been in my drink in the living room.

"This won't be so harsh. You probably won't even need a chaser for it."

"Chaser?"

"That's what the juice was. It's just something to help get the burn out of your mouth."

"Oh." He pushed the shot over to me and leaned on the island to watch me. I glared down at the little shot glass as if it was challenging me itself. I lifted it and took a quick sniff. It didn't smell so bad. I tilted my head back and downed it as quickly as possible. It went down smoothly, there wasn't a whole lot of burn but it certainly reminded me that it was alcohol. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I smiled over the island and James when I realized I hadn't needed a chaser.

There he was being right about everything again and looking as smug as ever. I made a soft "pfft" noise at him and motioned for him to hand me the bottle.

"Oh, no you don't. Don't get too eager on me. We'll keep you good and drunk, don't you worry." His smile dazzled me enough that I forgot what I had wanted to begin with. I swayed a bit where I stood and he chuckled. He looked down at the bottles in front of him and lifted a second bottle of 151 from the selection.

My eyes widened. I glanced back into the living room and realized that the other bottle was, in fact, empty. He opened the bottle and pulled off the flame arrester before he pressed it to his lips, lifting it so it was completely upside down and I watched, my jaw hanging open, as the liquid made the smooth transition from the bottle into his mouth. The entire bottle was gone in under a minute. I gaped. I couldn't help it. When he set the bottle down, he shot me a beautiful grin and I hated him for not reacting to the burning that had murdered my throat and stomach. I glowered. He laughed. He walked around the island to me and when he got close enough to touch that's exactly what I did. My hand went out to his chest before I really even knew it had moved and suddenly he was right up against me, gazing down into my face and I couldn't breathe. I shut my eyes and leaned in to rest my forehead against his collar bone but somewhere along the way, Edward's face made it into my head.

It took all of a second for me to crash down to my knees and sob uncontrollably into my hands. Everything suddenly hit me. Therapy. The mental institution looming just ahead. Day after tomorrow I'd be carted in there in a straight jacket so they could poke and prod my mind and tell me that Edward never existed because vampires don't exist. James was kneeling with me, his cool hands on the sides of my face, trying to coax me to look at him. I couldn't. My entire body shook with the sobs and I could do nothing except try to bring myself to breathe every few seconds. He was cooing my name at me gently, wiping my tears away with his hands but it didn't matter. They just kept coming. He was gone and back in a heartbeat, offering me some tissues and wiping my face with them himself when I couldn't lift my hands to use them.

"He's gone, James. And they're taking me away on Monday. I'll probably never get out of there. They'll probably lock me up in a room and forget about me. Charlie is letting them take me!" I wailed in-between hiccups and sobs and choking on the oxygen that did get past my lips. James's face went from concerned to furious.

"Who is taking you, Bella? What are you talking about?"

"_HOWLEY!_ That fucking therapist told my dad I'm psychotic and they're signing me into an institution for _help_." I was just getting angry now and the tears were slowing, thankfully. I looked around the floor frantically for my duffle bag, which I hadn't moved at all, and found it a few feet away. My cigarettes lay atop it and I dove for them, landing on my back but having managed to grab them in the process. I stuffed one between my lips and tried to ignite the lighter with my shaking hands. James moved and helped me sit up, taking the lighter and lighting the cigarette for me.

I breathed in and immediately felt better. The tears slowed further. "I don't know what to do," I blurted. James sat down next to me and rested his back against the island. "I can't go, James. I'm not crazy. All they're going to do is make me think about him more and pump me with drugs and continue to tell everyone that I'm crazy for my memories. They're _real._ I don't care what Howley says, they aren't hallucinations. _You're not a hallucination._"

And then I saw it. The anger he had been feeling immediately became fury. The transition was instantaneous. But this time he wasn't mad at me, he was mad _for me_. He was defensive of me, and it pissed him off that they were telling me he wasn't real.

--

**JPOV**

I had gotten Bella to calm down slowly, only after fleshing out the only plan we could. We were now sitting just off the porch on a blanket in the sand, she was curled into my side with my arm around her. I couldn't wrap my head around what they were doing to her. They really left us with no choice. I tilted my head to rest against the top of hers. It was twilight now, and the previously cloudy sky had broken open to reveal a fantastic sunset. I sighed into her hair. I was still drunk and the smell of her hair made me feel warm somehow. I knew she was still drunk, she'd insisted I continue to feed her shots every half hour. She nuzzled into me quietly and I felt a gentle fluttering in my chest.

"Christ, Bella. I really want to just be with you." There it was, out in the open because I'd blurted it in my stupid drunkenness and now I couldn't take it back and I hated myself for it and she was going to pull away and I would end up not sleeping but laying on the couch all night and I was making myself sick. I needed to stop thinking.

"I wouldn't mind that." Her voice was soft, barely audible even for me. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Was she serious? There's no way she could be serious. She couldn't be serious.

Could she?

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

And that is how the rest of the night was spent. I periodically kissed her head and she would smirk up at me like she knew the strange power she had over me. It didn't stop me from doing it again, though. It didn't even make me consider it. Eventually, Bella fell asleep and began to shiver as the breeze picked up. I lifted her into my arms and carried her inside, grumbling to myself about the stupid wall and my temper. I laid her on the bed and pulled the blankets up around her before heading out into the living room to clear off the table and put the glasses in the dishwasher. I tossed the paper plates and put the remaining pizza away in the fridge along with the fruit salad. Not after swiping a grape, first.

Strange as it was, I enjoyed human food. I knew it offered me nothing, but I suppose that's how humans saw junk food. It was simply something I had the ability to continue enjoying, and so I did. When you have a gift, you may as well use it.

I bent down in front of the island, opposite the stools, and pressed a tiny button on the underside of the counter. The door popped open and I started putting the liquor bottles onto the shelves. It wasn't some secret stash or anything, it was just where I had always kept my liquor and it seemed the best place to do so. No need to leave it out in the open when you had a convenient cabinet for it. I kept the wine out and headed for the pantry. I removed the wine rack I kept in there and carried it out into the living room, setting it beside the stereo system, the same way I always did when I had a few bottles of wine. It was a nice rack, really. Black wrought iron and about three feet high with a glass piece on top for a make-shift table. I began carrying the bottles in and setting them in the sections. Once I was finished, I returned to the kitchen and broke down the boxes that had been used for the ridiculous amount of liquor I had purchased and left them outside on the back porch. I cleaned up quickly, wiping down the tables and counter tops and gathering the few dishes and things Bella had used to make the pizza. Everything went in the dishwasher.

Once all the cleaning was done, I shut off the stereo and turned off the lights in the house, locking the doors and heading back to the bedroom. I closed the curtains and crawled into bed with Bella, even though I certainly wouldn't be sleeping. I wrapped myself around her and held her against me, deciding that tonight it didn't matter what she said in her sleep.

There was something magnificent about the way she smelled. It kept me sniffing her hair and neck all night, never once getting bored. Tonight, she didn't talk in her sleep. It was probably the alcohol. She rolled over in her sleep, groaning and facing me. I fell back to lay on my back so she could curl up on my shoulder, which she did, and watched her sleep for the rest of the night. She fidgeted a few more times but nothing that actually involved changing positions again. My mind kept wandering back to the plan we would be enacting tomorrow. I didn't want to wake her up in a few hours, but I was going to have to if we were to get back to her house in her beat-up truck. I was beginning to resent that thing, it was only the cause of a longer than necessary trip. I debated ways to get it to her house without us having to use it.

This _was _California, after all. So I grabbed my cell phone from my pocket and sent a single text message to someone I knew well. He would pick up the truck, now, and drive it back to Forks. He would drop it off in town somewhere, didn't really matter where, and would wait for me to meet him there whenever I decided to show up. It would cost me, but what else was new?

I wouldn't have to wake Bella up early. I could just run her home. She wouldn't have a twenty hour car ride to debate how miserable the next few days were going to be. I could let her relax and perhaps even forget about the coming few days for a while. An hour later I heard David let himself into my house, grab the truck keys from Bella's duffle bag and turn around and leave the house. He locked up behind him and I heard him start the truck and head down the road.

Problem solved.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** :D Thoughts? And this is as close to three chapters in a day that I could get. It's only one-ten AM! Does this still count as yesterday?


	20. Chapter 19

**A/N:** Okay, guys! So today is a big day chapter-wise. This is going to be a difficult chapter for me to write but mostly just because I hate repeating myself and whatnot and I'm going to have to in this one. You find out what the plan is, isn't that exciting? lol. Okay, I'm too excited to talk up here anymore.

**bayside** x _winter_

**placebo** x _hemoglobin_

**alkaline trio** x _burn_

**joseph arthur** x _in the sun_

**dashboard confessional** x _these bones_

**jimmy eat world** x _let it happen_

**snow patrol** x _open your eyes_

* * *

**BPOV**

It was Sunday night. I had spent the entire day with James, my nerves completely out of control. I couldn't believe I was jumping into this so quickly. But what other choice did I have? A mental institution? _Fuck. That._ I wasn't crazy, I wasn't going to pretend to be crazy. They couldn't force me to do that. No one could. And so here I was, standing in front of my mirror and smirking nervously at myself. I sat down, pulling my legs inward and underneath me, and studied my reflection intently. James would be here in a matter of hours.

This was my last chance. I studied my face carefully. What would change? My eyes scraped over my slim, angular eyebrows. I studied the soft curve that led down to my nose, which was thin and rounded off slightly at the end. My cheekbones were high, causing my cheeks to lead down to my chin in flat lines. I had long lashes that framed my heavy brown eyes nicely. I hadn't worn make-up much until recently, but I knew that a bit of eyeliner made my eyes a daring brown that sort of gleamed beneath my dark hair and pale skin. My lips were smooth and didn't have the indent that fell from a nose the way most people did, instead the seemed to be completely rounded, tapering into thinner lines towards the side of my mouth but remaining full in the middle. I assumed my teeth were normal, nothing noticeable about them. They were a nice white behind my pink lips. My jawline was defined, helping to pull the sharper angles of my face together. My hair was a relatively boring brown, though at times in the right lighting had some red hints to it. Not tonight. It hung limply around my face, messy and slept-in. I sighed at myself.

I really didn't see how things could change a whole lot. It wasn't that I didn't think I was pretty enough, I suppose I was, but there was so much that could be different. If only my hair was softer on it's own, maybe a more lively color. Or my eyes, I thought about James's glorious eyes and found myself wishing for their green. I frowned at myself.

I should take a picture. So that I could compare later. I hopped up and dug through the drawer in my desk until I found my digital camera. I walked back to the mirror, flipping on the lights as I did so, and sat down again. I practiced a few smiles and felt ridiculous.

I lifted the camera, turned it on and held it towards the mirror. I smirked at myself and snapped the photo. Here's to hoping there's something noticeable that changes.

I then got up and emptied my duffle bag onto my bed. James would have to grab this when he left tonight, so I would have things for later. I pulled out my favorite outfits and folded them neatly, pressing them into as small of a space as possible in my duffle bag. I grabbed all my nicer undergarments and pushed them in the duffle bag as well. I forced all my toiletries into the corner and wondered if I would even need them. James certainly had enough at his house. I removed them, deciding they were probably a waste of space, and set them back on my nightstand.

In went the camera. In went my iPod. In went the three packs of cigarettes and the lighter that I kept in my room. In went my favorite books. I looked around the room and saw my small jewelry box. I dumped most of it's contents into the duffle bag, leaving my least favorites to remain. I added a few pairs of socks and my sneakers. I zipped the bag up and left it on the right side of my bed, farthest from the door.

It was ten o'clock. Charlie would be heading to bed soon. And then everything would be put into motion. I curled up beneath my blanket, debating if I really wanted to wear my comfortable shorts and grey beater to bed. I got up again and changed into my long plaid pj pants before crawling back into bed. This was better, I supposed, more natural.

I heard Charlie stomp up the stairs and head into the bathroom. He came out a few minutes later and knocked on my door. I grunted and he entered the room slowly. He walked to the bed and sat down, looking sadly at me. He touched my hair lightly and sighed.

"I just want things to be better for you, Bella."

"I know," I didn't want to be harsh to him. It would only be cruel later on. He needed to know I loved him. I sat up and pulled at a loose thread on the bedspread. "I love you, Dad." He offered me a soft smile and hugged me gently.

"I love you too, kid." Then he became stiff, clearly uncomfortable, and stood from his seat. "Well, I think I'm heading to bed. I'll see you in the morning?"

I nodded and he left the room I collapsed back into a laying position and waited. James would wait until he could hear Charlie's snores. Half an hour later, I heard James open my bedroom window slowly, creeping in and shutting it behind him. He walked over to the bed, his hands stuffed into his pockets, and gave me a smile that looked more like a grimace.

"You have your bag ready?" I nodded and gestured to the right side of the bed. He took a seat in almost the same place Charlie had and nodded quietly. We remained silent for a few minutes, sitting awkwardly and glancing at each other every so often. He cleared his throat and looked me in the eyes. "Well, uh, are _you_ ready?"

A flicker of fear sparked in my chest but I smothered it quickly. I forced the thought of what this felt like the last time it happened out of my mind. This had to be done. James would take care of me, he'd be gentle. He wouldn't leave my side. I steeled myself against the panic and gripped the sheets around me tightly in my fists. "Yes."

James studied my face and let out a sigh. Nodding once again, he stood up from his seat and turned around to crawl onto the bed with me. I let myself lay down slowly and held my breath as he pulled himself directly above me, holding himself up with his palms flat on my pillow on either side of my head. "I'm sorry for this, Bella. I know it's going to hurt." His voice was small, meek and barely audible even in the quiet room. I gave him my best smile and shrugged. I knew if I opened my mouth the panic would fill me and James would back out. _This had to be done._ His face came closer to mine and he gently pressed his lips to mine. Though his body temperature was dramatically cooler than mine, his kiss felt warm and inviting. He pulled back before I could react and then his lips were pressed against the pulse in my neck and his breath was on my skin.

And then he bit me, licking the wound before he pulled back. It wasn't hard, but it didn't have to be. The spot on my neck where he'd bitten me grew warm. It wasn't so bad really, if I thought about it. Just a warm spot on my neck, the memory of his mouth opening around my skin. I looked up at James and watched his face as he studied me. I gave him a gentle smile, for once not so frightened. This almost seemed like it could go well. Maybe once the venom had been in your system your body knew how to react to it. The warmth on my neck got more and more real, warmer and warmer.

Hotter.

The heat was so real it was hard to believe he wasn't pressing an overheated hot pad to my neck. James smiled down at me sadly, like he knew something I didn't know. His hand brushed against my cheek. The warmth on my neck increased. I lifted my hand and pressed his hand against the hot spot on my neck, hoping to cool it down. It was probably just aggitated because it's where he'd bitten me.

Hotter.

Uncomfortable now.

Too hot. Much, much too hot. It no longer felt like a hot pad, instead it felt like he was pressing a curling iron to my neck. I flinched away from his hand and his expression didn't change. Was he expecting this? Flinching away didn't help, he'd never been holding anything against my neck except his cool fingers. I realized it didn't matter what was pressed to my neck, _the heat was inside of me._

_The burning grew - rose and peaked and rose again until it surpassed anything I'd ever felt. I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest._ Scorching its way through my veins, covering the entire distance in but a few short seconds.

James must have predicted this because his hand was suddenly covering my mouth and he was cooing gently in my ear. He had told me he would wait for an hour before letting me make noise, to be sure the venom spread. Then he would release me, grab my duffle bag and run to the hospital. I shut my eyes firmly, gritting my teeth and holding my breath for as long as possible. I felt him kissing my face gently, I could hear the pain in his voice as I writhed beneath his grasp. Gently, his free hand pressed against where he bit me and the chill of his touch did nothing for the burning.

It felt like my veins were burning, like the blood rushing in my body was replaced with acid. And then it expanded, the acid eating up my blood and pushing further through my veins. I felt it climb up to my face and I fought back a scream with everything inside of me as the fire licked it's way over my face and behind my eyes and up my throat. I felt it travel everywhere at the same time, crawling through the veins in my arms and reaching my fingertips at an incredible pace, rushing down my legs until every muscle in my body was tensed with pain. I clenched and unclenched my fists, fighting off the urge to rip my skin off and free this unbearable burning.

He pulled me against his chest and whispered, "I'm going to make this easier on you, okay Bella? It will be easier, I promise. Trust me, please." I let out a whimper, begging him weakly to do whatever he had to do. The scorching pain flew through my chest, wrapping a coil tightly around my heart and squeezing impossibly tighter. The burning got worse, seeming to suffocate my frantic heart, ripping into the muscle to let the acid seep into it. I felt my mind grow fuzzy, the pain all over my body began dulling slowly. Within minutes, the fierce blistering that had taken over every single inch of my body was quieted, not gone but dimmed. I felt my head get heavy, my eyelids drooping. It occurred to me that James had promised to make this easier and I began wondering if he was doing this somehow, if he was pulling me from my own body so that the pain was nothing but a tugging memory in the back of my mind.

James held me silently for what felt like no time at all and yet, somewhere in my cloudy thoughts I knew it had seemed like forever to my body. I knew my body was in agony, writhing and twitching and trying desperately to fight off the venom. I knew I would have to face it again, soon, so I let myself drift in this little blissful moment without thinking of the pain. I would know it again soon enough. I heard James's voice from far away, it sounded thick with guilt that I couldn't understand.

"Bella, Bella I have to go now. I can't stay here anymore, you have to be strong for me, baby. You have to." Understanding hit me with a wave of fear. The pain was going to come back, James had to leave me. I wanted to scream at him to stay, to beg him and have him keep the pain at bay. I felt myself sinking back into reality, the cloud of my thoughts dissipating quickly. I felt his cold kiss on my temple, chilling the little beads of sweat that were there. I opened my eyes and met his, realizing that my vision was blurry with tears I hadn't realized my body was shedding. His eyes were nothing but sadness, the lovely green looking as much like sorrow as I could imagine anything could. And then he shut his eyes and the pain was back. I arched my back as he released me from him and the scream that escaped my lips was hardly something I was aware of. My throat was on fire. My entire body was on fire. I was being buried alive by hot coals. Somehow in my life I had done something horrible, the most unforgivable thing known to man, and now I was paying for it.

The acid had replaced the blood in my veins. It was everywhere. Places I never thought of in my entire life were bursting with hungry flame. I could feel the acid in my veins boiling, bubbling and speeding through my body. I was vaguely aware of the yells and cries escaping my lips. I knew James was gone, I didn't know how long it had been since he had escaped from my window. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be free of this. I wanted to beg him to kill me, to stop this smoldering.

I was vaguely aware of Charlie bursting in my bedroom, knocking the door completely off it's hinges, with his gun in his hand. Now was my chance, I wanted to scream. To beg for someone to kill me now, before I lived one more second in this pain. I shut my eyes to keep from panicking any more than I already was and tried to keep my body from thrashing about wildly on the bed. I felt Charlie's hands on my face, he was yelling my name repeatedly. Every time I opened my mouth to respond the only thing that got passed the burning in my throat was some variation of a shriek. I felt him lift me into his arms and carry me down the stairs, he didn't seem all that phased by my wild thrashing and I heard him start the cruiser, flicking on the lights and speeding off to the hospital.

Everything was going according to plan, except that I felt like my entire bloodstream was about to nuke my body. The boiling feeling never stopped. It seemed to take forever to get to the hospital with me lying in the back of the cruiser yelling and wailing, kicking my legs and flailing my entire body around like I was possessed. I was strapped to a bed, my hands and feet tied down to keep from injuring a doctor or nurse. The fire blazed hotter and I continued to scream even though my throat was raw and bleeding from all the volume I'd been pushing through it for so long. I felt like they were pouring liquid metal down my throat.

Something about tests, someone mentioned pain medication. Charlie was sitting beside me, his hand dragging across my forehead and his voice full of agony as he told me they would make me better, that he would stay here with me. Somehow I knew he was crying, even through the blinding pain, and I wished I could reach out to him and comfort him. My poor father.

Impossibly hotter. The flames licked their way through every insignificant inch of my body.

* * *

The pain never ceased, only swelled and expanded and repeated. Eventually I lost the ability to move my body. _Was I paralyzed?_ Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I scream? This wasn't part of the stories the Cullens had told me.

My mind was unbearably clear - sharpened by the fierce pain - and I saw the answer almost as soon as I could form the questions.

The morphine.

Why hadn't they asked _me_? I would have been able to tell them how preposterous the idea was. Because I'd had morphine and venom together in my system before, and I knew the truth. I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. I wouldn't have been able to guess that the morphine would have this effect - that it would pin me down and gag me. Hold me paralyzed while I burned.

_Like hell, burning silently strong._

All I wanted was to die, to have never been born. The whole of my existence did not outweigh this pain. Wasn't worth living through it for one more heartbeat.

_Let me die, let me die, let me die_.

And, for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. So that made it infinite, with no beginning and no end. One infinite moment of pain. The endless burn raged on.

* * *

**JPOV**

I shrugged on the long white coat and stuffed a few pens in the pocket. With a quick glance in the mirror I turned and walked out of the locker room for the doctors and nurses. I strode directly toward the Intensive Cardiac Care Unit, which was where Bella was located. I needed to know how she was before I got up there, I couldn't just walk into the room and find her worse than I expected. I wouldn't be able to function.

I hated doing this.

I set my jaw and ducked into an abandoned ER room. I leaned my back against the wall, hoping to brace myself for what I knew was coming. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dropped the walls in my head. Like a flood, every single stupid thought in the entire hospital was at my grasp. I fell to my knees, the overload in my head causing me physical pain. _I fucking hated this._ This was exactly why I didn't do this. I heard everything. The sleazy nurse planning to bed the doctor. The panicked mother wondering how she would pay for her daughter's treatment. The husband willing his wife not to tell the doctor why she had a broken arm. _Fuck, I hate this._ I took a long, deliberate breath and let it out through my nose. I waited for the noise to calm in my head, I waited for the distinct differences in thoughts. Then I started weeding everyone else out. I listened for Bella, desperately listened for her.

_Let me die, let me die, let me die_.

The pain that ripped through me nearly threw me to the ground further. The burning ate my veins whole, searing through my body and _I couldn't fucking move_ until I had the sense to drop the walls back down quickly. When I caught my breath, I opened my eyes and found that I was on my knees on the floor, my palms pressed to the cold tile. I was sweating and shaking and my breath was still coming in short bursts. I leaned back against the wall once more. The pain she was in was worse than I'd expected. I shot up from the floor and bolted down the hallway. No one even realized I'd been there as I sped up the stairs and continued down the hall. I came to an abrupt halt in an empty hallway just around the corner of Bella's room. I walked in slowly, causally, and nodded lightly at Charlie as I walked in. Time to play doctor.

"Chief Swan."

"Doc."

"How is she today?"

"She hasn't made any movement since the morphine."

"According to her chart, her heartbeat is erratic. That's not a good sign." Charlie's eyes fell to the floor and he nodded. I wanted to say something comforting, but as far as Charlie, or the rest of the world, was concerned - Bella was dying. I walked towards Bella and went through the motions of checking her vitals. I knew what they were, of course, I knew the second I walked in the room. Her heartbeat had no rhythm, it was random and when it did beat it did so quickly, her breathing was irregular. Her blood pressure was non-existent. The venom was the reason for that. I opened up her chart again and scanned the blood tests they'd done on her. They had no idea what it was in her system. They assumed it was some kind of drug.

Bella had thirty-six more hours of this. That was it. I looked down at her face, serene and covered in sweat. I lay my hand across her forehead, pretending to check for a fever, and narrowed my thoughts down to pulling her consciousness out of her body. I wasn't actually doing such a thing, but the imagery helped me focus, and within a moment I knew she was no longer conscious of her body at all.

I could do this from across the room if I wanted, but it was easier if I could touch the person. I turned and nodded once again to Charlie before heading out of the room and straight out of the hospital. I sat outside on a bench and removed the coat. I didn't need any of the real doctors here questioning me. I put my head between my hands and sighed to myself.

This was incredibly tiring.

I waited like that for hours. By the time I stood up again and pulled the coat on, it was nearly midnight on Tuesday night. Bella was the same, except her thoughts were much more peaceful. I avoided checking them except when I was alone and shut up in a room. I made sure to only do so once a day, I didn't want to be nosy. She could have her own thoughts, I wasn't about to invade her privacy there. I simply needed to make sure she was still detached. And then I was out of her head.

I returned to my bench, pulling out my cigarettes and smoking in silence. This was the routine. I would go up and check on her every few hours, like a good doctor, and then I would return here to my bench where I would wait. It was times like this that I really wished I could just to to fucking sleep. By the time eight o'clock hit on Wednesday night, I was in Bella's hospital room, jacket on and nodding quietly at Charlie. He was broken, it was apparent, Renee had been in and out but had proclaimed within the first twenty four hours that she could no handle watching her daughter die and had left. Leaving Charlie to brave this alone. I was having trouble not just telling him that his daughter would be fine, different but fine. I knew it wasn't right, though, I knew he needed to just have a clean break from Bella. Seeing her never age, seeing her change, it would only hurt him in the end. He wouldn't have wanted this life for Bella.

It was best if he thought she died now. I had brought a cup of coffee with me for him today, knowing that in two hours his daughter's heart would stop beating and he would be destroyed. I sat beside him, letting him talk about her in mumbles. It was what he'd taken to doing whenever I was in the room. He originally started by telling me stories about her when she was younger and would visit him. Eventually his sentences became less and less coherent. He'd mumble her name and a few other words, never really with a direct connection. He was mourning, I understood, so I just let him talk. If it helped...

"Charlie why don't you go ahead and get something to eat? I'll keep an eye on her." He looked up at me and sighed, nodding but clearly not actually capable of eating. But this was the routine. He trusted me to watch her while he went away for ten minutes. I'd been building up this trust slowly, intentionally. Now was the payoff. He stood up and walked down the hallway quietly, I shut the door to her room and was careful to discretely drop all the blinds. I bolted to her bedside, whispering her name into her ear. I lifted the hold I had on her mind just enough that she could think enough to realize what was going on. Distantly, she would feel the pain, but what was more important was she would hear and understand me.

"Bella, you need to be quick, all right? This is the only chance we'll have for this and you _need _to do this now. Do you understand?" Looking in her eyes, I could see her mind was far away but she met my gaze and nodded. "Open your mouth." As I watched her face, I bit into my own wrist and pressed it to her mouth. Even without the change being complete, her lips sucked on my flesh. I counted the seconds, taking care to be well aware of how much she was taking. Too much would not be good. It would give her too much strength, and for now we needed to keep her as subdued as possible.

Especially once her heartbeat stopped.

After thirty seconds, I forcefully removed my wrist from her mouth and met her eyes, pressing my left hand on her forehead and keeping her down. "Bella, breathe. Slowly. You've had enough." Her eyes were wide, alert, and she nearly glared at me.

My Bella was hungry. I smirked down at her and shook my head. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You will be fine, baby, just relax." And when I pulled away, I strengthened my mental hold on her and she shut her eyes and immediately became still. I set the room back to the way it was, opening the door exactly as it had been, and seated myself in the same chair I had been in when Charlie left.

He returned seven minutes later, not looking any more well fed than before, and seated himself beside me. We sat like that for another hour and a half before Bella's heart monitor went wild. The nurses rushed in, followed by two other doctors. I stood up and rushed to her, imitating them, no one noticed me at all.

Twenty minutes later Bella's heart stopped beating. I forced my grip on her to tighten, keeping her mentally in a coma until I released her. I hated the idea of doing this to her, it felt wrong, but it was the plan we had come up with. The one she wanted. I did as I was asked. They pronounced her dead at ten thirty PM on Wednesday night and Charlie fell to his knees at her bedside, sobbing.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** I did take some lines directly out of _Breaking Dawn_ simply because I thought SMeyer had it well said. :) Let me know what you guys think~~ Also, there will be errors and I'm sorry. I was excited to put it up & I'm reading it now with the Live View thing, so I'll edit it as I come across them but I wanted you guys to be able to read it sooner lol. Oh, and the phrase "Like hell, burning silently strong" is a quote from the song "burn" by Alkaline Trio. I need to give credit where credit is due, right?


	21. Chapter 20

**A/N: **Hi! ~waves. So here I am, with a shorter chapter. We're getting to one of the thick parts of the story and I don't want to over-do it so I'm taking this chapter easy-ish.

**all american rejects** x _it ends tonight_

**all time low** x _running from lions_

**andrew bird** x _a nervous tic motion of the head to the left_

--

**BPOV**

_Your subtleties, they strangle me._

_I can't explain myself at all._

I was surrounded by black, nothing except a heavy darkness and it swallowed everything around me. Even though I knew my eyes should be able to see in darkness, I saw nothing. I didn't feel like I was missing something, though, I felt like there was simply _nothing _around me. I heard a soft noise behind me and I stood and turned around. My movements were fluid, graceful even. I wasn't as surprised as I would have liked to be, there was no joy in my lack of my old clumsiness. There was a distant light, looking to be a few miles away, and I began walking towards it. The first step I took seemed to break something in the area and the light flew at me, shards of it breaking and flying right passed me at high speeds.

And then he was there.

_Edward._

He was looking down at me and it was bright. It took me a moment to realize I was no longer surrounded by nothingness, I was in the meadow. Edward was here and he was smiling down at me as if he'd never left at all. The sunlight was reflecting off his skin and he was just as beautiful as I ever remembered him being. Except his eyes were distant, he didn't really seem to be looking at me even though his eyes met mine.

_And all at once, and all the needs - _

_Oh, I don't want to need at all._

_The walls start breathing,_

_my mind's un-weaving._

_Maybe it's best you leave me alone._

His hand reaches up to touch my shoulder and I take a step back. No, we aren't just getting passed his mistakes. He fucking left me, we aren't going back to normal. He needs to fucking earn that shit.

"What is wrong with you, Edward? I can't just pretend nothing happened."

"Bella, come here, love." He smiled that crooked smile at me, tilting his head as if he was confused.

"Didn't you hear me?"

"Bella. Don't be ridiculous, come here." He was getting frustrated at me. Well, that was fine. I was beyond frustrated at him. All's fair in love and war, right?

"No, Edward, you try not to be ridiculous for a moment. Who do you think you are, walking back into my life like nothing ever happened?" My voice was rising steadily, my irritation at his inconsiderate actions fueling the fire.

"Bella, I don't know what you're talking about."

"You fucking left, Edward, that's what I'm talking about!" I was screaming now. He was being so ignorant. I felt the anger building in my chest.

I realized suddenly that I didn't have a heartbeat. The second realization hit me even harder. _I could take him._ And without warning, the only thing I wanted to do was _show_ Edward how much he'd hurt me, let him understand what a gaping hole in his chest felt like.

Because sometimes, a taste of your own medicine is all that's really needed to level the playing field.

"Bella, don't be absurd. That's not important. _I'm here, now._ What else could possibly matter?"

_James._ He could possibly matter.

I spun around wildly, scanning the area for him. I couldn't see any signs of him, the only things surrounding Edward and I were the woods and they felt empty. I turned to face Edward again and glowered at him.

"How did I get here?"

"You came here, Bella. You came here all on your own."

"Didn't someone come with me?"

_I look at you with such disdain._

"Who would have come with you, Bella? _You've slaughtered everyone._"

_On this evening_

_**I give the final blow.**_

--

**JPOV**

The funeral was heartbreaking. I watched as Charlie stood at the podium, just feet away from his daughter's casket, and wept into the microphone. He was trying to explain to everyone that Bella liked the color purple, that she was a straight-A student and an excellent cook. He had asked me to come, even admitting that he didn't know why but he felt like his daughter would have liked me. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably as Charlie tried to right himself, clearing his throat and rubbing his hand down his face to wipe away some of the tears.

"Bells was a good kid. She deserved to live a lot longer than this." His gaze floated over to the closed casket. I'd suggested he keep it closed so as not to cause anyone unnecessary pain. She wasn't injured or deformed, but Charlie could hardly look at the casket without blubbering, I didn't figure staring at his daughter's face was going to help. "I... I don't know what else to say," Charlie admitted quietly into the microphone. Stepping down from the podium, he walked up to the casket and put his hand on the smooth mahogany. "I love you, kiddo. I miss you already." His knees buckled beneath him and he sobbed against her casket, I got up from my seat and knelt beside him, my hand on his back. I didn't try to move him, but I tried to let him know he wasn't alone for this. I offered him some tissues from my pocket. I didn't know what else to do.

The funeral didn't go on much longer, Charlie had been the last to speak. From there, everyone went to the grave site and gathered around her plot. The headstone was beautiful, I had to admit. It was a deep gray color, with elegant script for her name and "love you, kid" written beneath it. Charlie wasn't able to think of anything else to put on there. He didn't want to just say "loving daughter" because, he said, she was more than that. She was more than a few words etched into stone that everyone else would put on someone's grave. "No," he'd said, "I'd just like it to show that I loved her. I don't think I said it enough."

The burial was quiet, Charlie fought to keep himself composed. Renee, the only exception, sobbed in her chair. Charlie didn't even look at her.

I said my goodbyes to Charlie just as he was about to head home for the wake. I told him I had a plane to catch, that I was only here as a trial run. He gave me a quick hug before nodding silently and getting into his cruiser. I told him to take care of himself and he frowned at me. I slammed my hand on top of the cruiser twice, signaling him to head on home, and he drove off down the road. I went and sat down in one of the remaining chairs and watched the men cover the casket in dirt.

--

It was midnight, I had a shovel in my hands and I was knee deep into Bella's grave. The thought disturbed me. I dug faster. It didn't take me long, really, and when I hit the casket, I brushed off the excess dirt and yanked it open. All at once, I dropped my constraints on her mind and she bolted upright in the casket, taking in a long gasping breathing before letting her eyes follow my legs up to my face. She grinned wickedly up at me.

"How was your coma?"

"Lovely, thanks. Get me out of here." I extended my hand to her and hoisted her up from the casket, shutting it and pulling myself out from the grave. I began shoveling the dirt back on. Bella sat down on the ground a few feet away, watching me.

"How did Charlie take things?"

I told her. How could I not? She stared down at the ground for a long time, I shoveled slowly to give her time to think before I had to disturb her. She didn't cry, but that could be due to her sudden change in her state of being. She wouldn't feel right for a few weeks at least.

"Can we go home, now?" I looked up at her and shoveled the last few heaps of dirt in quickly, nodding.

"Sure, Bell. Sure." I dusted my hands off and returned the shovel to the maintenance shed. I walked back to her and reached out for her hand. She took it comfortably and followed me towards the woods on the far side of the graveyard. I'd stashed her duffle bag here, knowing we'd be leaving from this area anyway. I scooped her duffle bag up and strapped it over my chest, turning around completely to face her, dropping her hand.

"Care for a run, Swan?" Her face erupted into an excited grin and she chuckled.

"You're on, tiger."

She was _feisty_. It was cuter than anything I'd ever seen in my life.

Needless to say, that was saying something.

--

**Ending Notes:** Okay, so this chapter is WAY shorter but the other one was really heavy and this one had some of that anyway, so I didn't want to make it too long. Lyrics used in this chapter are from **All American Rejects** x _it ends tonight. _ I just want to share one more thing, before I post this. Part of the lyrics to _A nervous tic motion of the head to the left _by Andrew Bird:

_Why are we alive?_

_And here's how they replied:_

_You're what happens when two substances collide_

_and by all accounts, you really should have died._

idk but I felt like it was fitting. lol. So let me know what you thought. what yout think might happen now. song suggestions. plot suggestions. life suggestions. whatever. :D


	22. Chapter 21

**A/N:** Okay so first off, sorry I wasn't around at all yesterday to make updates. But I was out and when I got back I was exhausted lol. So yeah, and today I've spent most of the day doing semi-productive things and trying to figure out what I want to do in the next few chapters. I have an outline of course, basic events and all that, but nothing like "chapter such-and-such this happens". So I'm piecing it together slowly. Anyway, here 'tis. Oh, and Bella's dress link is in my profile~

**Mumm-ra** x _She's got you high_

--

**JPOV**

I slowed to a walk about a mile from the house, noticing that her scent was no longer in that direction. I cut down onto the beach and followed my nose until I was only a few yards behind her. She stood at the water's edge, her hair blowing to her side lightly in the breeze. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and remained where I was, I didn't want to disturb her and she had to know I was there. She'd address me if she wanted to.

Renee had chosen the white dress Bella would wear in her casket. It was a lovely choice, even I had to admit. It was mostly silk flowing down freely to her knees, accented with black stitching and three simple black strips stretching horizontally along her lower ribcage and upper stomach. The entire thing had a black outline, which only contrasted the beautiful pale tone of her skin. The deep "v" neck and strap that wrapped around the back of her throat accented her figure wonderfully, pulling your eyes over her collarbones and delicate shoulders. It was a bold dress for a casket, but leave it to Renee.

The dress caught the wind and danced around her thighs. I shivered as I watched those fantastic curls graze her back. After a few moments, Bella turned to look at me and it took every ounce of will power in my body _not _to fall to my knees. How could I have missed this before? Standing before me with the moonlight gleaming in her hair and the waves foaming and crashing behind her, Bella was the most stunning creature I had ever laid my eyes on.

I felt an odd sense of deja vu. The image of her standing in my doorway came to mind with crystal clarity. Seeing it for the second time I still felt the same way. She was incomparable. I let my eyes fall over her again, standing on the beach, and my inanimate heart broke inside of my chest. I had never seen anything as dazzlingly beautiful as she was in that moment, and she had the saddest expression in her eyes. I hadn't even realized it, but when she took my hand in hers it occurred to me that I'd reached out to her. I took a step forward, looking down into her face and studying the way her amazing brown eyes gazed back at me. I smiled down at her and let my thumb slide across her cheekbone.

"Your eyes are still brown, Bella." Her eyebrow lifted as I watched and I suppressed a grin.

"How is that possible? I'm not an ancient."

"Yet."

"Excuse me?" The way her expression seemed to absorb her shock was nothing short of hilarious, and my laughter only instigated a flash of anger in those lovely chocolate orbs of hers. I motioned down to the sand and seated myself as I tossed her duffle bag in front of us, slipping my arm around her small waist when she placed herself beside me.

"Being an ancient is not strictly being one of the first created, although that was the basis for my... rank. The largest and most important aspect of being an ancient is simple. Your feeding habits. I fed from no one except other ancients for the first few hundred years I was a vampire. After living so long, you can imagine I have not only turned my fair share of vampires, but I have witnessed even more. The one thing I have always taken note of is that when an ancient turns a human, that new vampire already has the most important part of our power. Our venom is different from other vampires, the same way nearly everything else is different. Ours is more vicious, but on the same level, it is more selective. It will turn everyone, to be sure, but it will _alter_ certain changes in ways that other venom will not."

"How so?"

"You may find that you aren't even thirsty..." I turned my face to look at her and I watched her focus her attention on her throat, on the fire that simply would not be there. I watched the amazement dawn on her features as she turned her own face quickly to look back at me.

"How is this possible? The Cullens told me I would be thirsty almost all the time." I chuckled lightly and nodded, pulling her little body closer to me.

"Had one of the Cullens changed you, that would be the case. I reiterate my previous statement, _our venom is more vicious._ Some call it a curse, but really, it is a gift. The powers you will have, and you _will _have them, will be far greater than the powers the Cullens could have lucked into giving you. Seeing as my venom is so much stronger, it taps into your DNA on a completely different level. It digs further, so to speak. It will enhance some of your traits that would have been repressed using other venom. You will see, in time, once your powers start to manifest themselves."

"So simply being bitten by you has made me an ancient?"

"No, not quite. There is the factor of your diet, of course. Though it is not necessary to drink the blood of other ancients for hundreds of years, it is necessary to drink the blood of ancients for at least ten years."

"Do I have to drink from other ancients? Where do we find them? Do they just allow new vampires to drink their blood?" My laughter bubbled up in my chest and I couldn't help but chuckle and shake my head.

"It is actually more potent if you drink the blood of a single ancient, it helps your body adapt. If another vampire were to drink blood from the same human for the span of the human's life, said vampire would discover that he would be much stronger than he would have been had he been hopping from human to human to feed. It is a matter of consistency. Your body needs something steady in order to develop fully. And as an ancient, my blood is the most potent you can find. So when your thirst is quenched only by ancient blood for ten years, your body will be nothing short of it's prime. You will be at your best, permanently."

"How do you drink from humans without killing them?"

"Self-restraint."

"Do they all turn into vampires?"

Ah, now I understood what she was getting at.

"No. That's another trick of my blood. You have to understand, I cannot just pull someone off the street to feed and then have them run off to their daily lives. I have to be careful about who I feed from, they have to know what they are getting into."

"Why does that matter?"

"Because they have to drink from me before I drink from them."

I watched Bella's eyes grow wide and I waited. Wider. I kept my eyes on her, my face expressionless, waiting. Impossibly wider.

"What?"

"Once my blood is ingested, I can feed from them and the venom is useless. It is like an immunity, how you can never get sick with the same thing twice. Once my blood is put into the human's system, his or her body develops an immunity to my venom. There is venom in my blood, Bella, as there is with any vampire, but in much smaller quantities and with much less potency than the venom from my mouth. So, drinking from me first leaves the human immune. But only to my venom. Every vampire's venom is slightly different from another vampire's venom. Same as your DNA."

"But I drank from you. I'm a vampire."

"You fed from me _after _my venom was taking over your body. Had you _not_ fed from me, you would be much less in control of yourself. You would be a typical newborn, save for your powers once they began to manifest."

The silence was almost tangible as Bella mulled things over for a few moments. I admired her profile as she thought, I watched as her eyes moved and followed the waves, I studied the way I could see the entire ocean reflected in browns and honey golds beneath those long lashes of hers.

"Why didn't I struggle with the change when you were around?"

"Because I suppressed your conscious mind." There went her eyes again. Wide. Wider. Widest.

"You what?"

"I told you I would keep you under control, am I correct?"

"Well, yes, but -"

"How else could I have done so, Bella? Even having fed from me, the thirst would have controlled you. You were surrounded by humans. You wouldn't have had a chance."

"So you... controlled my mind?"

"You could say that."

"Can you read minds?"

"Yes."

"Like Edward." Her voice was a whisper, the pain evident.

"No."

"No?"

"Edward couldn't read _your _mind. I had no trouble."

"How often did you read my mind?"

"Once. When I was trying to find you in the hospital. I needed to know how you were before I went in there."

"That's it? Just that once?"

"Of course, Bella! Why would you even think I would have read your mind without permission?"

"You ask permission?"  
"Doesn't Edward? It's an invasion of privacy. I can hear every thought, see every memory, smell every scent you've ever smelled. It's rude to go waltzing into someone's mind without expressed permission or desperate need."

"No, Edward doesn't ask. He reads everyone's minds."

"That's incredibly obnoxious." Her half-hearted laughter made me feel a bit better about insulting her ex-boyfriend. Not completely, but slightly.

"I don't know if he could help it."

"It doesn't take long to control it, Bella. Had he wanted to, he could have."

"It didn't take _you _long, but you're different."

"Edward and I are not the only telepaths, Bella. There are others. Many others. None of which are ancients. They did not have trouble managing their powers." She seemed thoughtful, again. As if she was questioning what she believed about this Edward of hers.

"So you're saying he was just lazy?"

"Or ignorant. Neither is an excuse." She nodded lightly again and tilted her head to rest against my shoulder. I pulled her impossibly closer.

"Can you read my mind now?"

"Shall I try? Would you be okay with that?" Her smirk tugged at her lips and she nodded into my chest.

"Yes. I'd like you to try."

I took a long, relaxing breath in the hope of bracing myself for what would surely come. I opened my mind up slowly, holding the image of an expanding bubble in the forefront of my mind. I imagined the bubble enveloping Bella and I and nothing else. This would keep out anyone outside of this bubble, shortening my usual fifty mile range to just the few feet that surrounded us.

Silence.

There was nothing except my own thoughts, which were suddenly perplexed. I opened my eyes and looked at her. "You aren't thinking anything."

"Yes I am."

"I can't hear you." Her smirk turned into a snicker. When she met my eyes again she was smug.

"I've officially been able to keep two telepathic vampires out of my head."

"Well aren't you cocky." I smiled at her to keep her from being insulted. She wouldn't have been anyway, that was clear with her roar of laughter. "Bella, may I try something else? I have an idea, of sorts."

"Okay?"

"I want to try to separate your conscious mind from your body, the way I did in the hospital. It's a form of mind control, but I swear I won't make you bark like a dog or any such thing." She laughed again, quieter this time, and nodded.

"All right."

And so I tried.

Nothing. Maybe I just couldn't tell?

"Do you feel any different?"

"No."

Well, shit. My suspicions were increasing.

"Okay, I need to try another thing. Watch closely." I lifted my hand, which was not at all necessary for what I was about to do but it would help her to understand what I was doing, and focused my attention on her duffle bag. I raised my hand slowly, glancing at her as she watched the duffle bag lift from the sand at the same rate my hand lifted. I moved my hand to the left, towards her, and the duffle bag moved. "You see what I just did?"

"Telekinesis."

"I want you to try to stop me from doing that again."

"What? How? Do I have to tackle you or something?" Now was my turn for a loud burst of laughter.

"No, no. I just want you to focus on me, focus on keeping my mind from being able to do that. All right?"

"All right. I can try."

And so I lifted the duffle bag again by raising my hand. I moved it to the right, back towards me. I pushed it out further towards the waves. I lifted it a hundred feet higher in the air. There was nothing stopping me. I felt no pressure, I didn't have to exert any more force than I usually did - which wasn't much.

I turned my hand over so the palm was facing upright, the bag didn't move because I didn't tell it to, and I curled my index finger in towards my palm quickly. The bag flew towards us faster than Bella could process due to her surprise and suddenly, the bag stopped.

I pulled my finger forward more. Nothing. The bag remained in the air. I pulled my middle finger in, focusing more on moving the duffle bag. Still nothing.

This went on for another half hour. I gradually increased the strength of my power on the bag. When I'd exerted nearly a quarter of my potential energy to move the bag it finally moved. I heard Bella gasp beside me as if she'd been shocked out of a dream.

"You just repressed my powers, Bella. I think you have a gift that I have only seen once before. And he referred to it as 'power negation.'"

--

**Ending Notes:** I know it wasn't as long as some of my other chapters, but it was **a lot-a lot** of dialogue. I wanted to try to explain a few things about James and I figured everyone was interested in Bella's powers. :D Let me know how you like it & all of that. I'd love suggestions, if you think Bella should have more powers or a different power or anything. I can go in a lot of different directions with this, so if you think of something that seems similar to this don't hesitate to mention it. You never know, Bella might have ~two powers. :) lol. So yeah, go ahead & leave me suggestions guys, I'd love to hear some. Songs, powers, fun things for James & Bella to do together (I'd really appreciate some of those lol seeing as my list is short) that AREN'T lemons lol. :D! Anyway, I'm done talking at you, go ahead and review!


	23. Chapter 22

**A/N:** So I didn't really have a specific song for this chapter, I just listened to the entire playlist on shuffle. This is basically to clarify some more information and get things moving a little. Next chapter is more exciting, I promise. I'm trying not to bombard you guys with too much information, but I do have to get it out there. If you guys have questions go ahead and ask them. I'll either message you back or I'll cover it in the next few chapters. This isn't the end of the information by any means, but again, I'm just trying not to have too many chapters full of "facts" and no fun. :) Read on, my friends!

* * *

**BPOV**

We had been spending weeks in the house. Weeks on top of weeks on top of weeks. Nothing exciting really happened. Every day James and I would take a long swim in the ocean, we would return and chat on the sand until it eventually got dark enough that the sand was no longer warm from the sun. We would go inside and do our separate things. James had long ago fixed the wall and would spend much of his time in his bedroom, playing his guitar.

Within the first week, James and sent me with an excessive amount of money to go shopping for new clothes. When I'd opened my mouth to argue, he'd stared down at me with those fiery green eyes and set his jaw and crossed his arms and I had shut my mouth and left. Because he owned me like that. It wasn't like I had anything better to do, really, but I did hate shopping. I came home with the most ludicrous number of bags I possibly could, hoping to sway him from ever sending me out again. Who really wants a girl to return home with four hundred and seven bags of expensive clothes, honestly?

James did. He had been thrilled I'd found so much that I liked and had ushered me into the bedroom where he revealed his closet to me. It was much too large, in my opinion, and I didn't know how it fit into the small house. He had even _helped _hang things up and put things in the drawers. I pouted the entire time.

I found out later he did not care at all how much I had spent and he'd known my clever plan to over spend and so he'd turned the tables.

Sneaky bastard that can read my facial expressions. Not even Edward had been this good. Hell, if I was being honest, not even Alice could have predicted my brilliant scheme. Only James.

After everything had been hung up, he grabbed my hand and grinned widely at me, tugging me outside and to a basement door that hadn't been there before. He threw it open and pushed me down inside. If I had a heartbeat, it would have stopped.

In the time I was spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on clothes that I would never wear (even in the hundreds of years I would be alive), James had been adding a basement to the house. How one does this, I've no idea. But one thing I've learned about James is that he simply _knows_ everything. I've never seen him pick up an educational book and yet he seems to have limitless knowledge.

The basement itself was enormous. The floors were thick glass, and upon further inspection, they could be lifted up in sections by finger holes. And beneath the glass? Bookshelves. The walls were covered with bookshelves, the floors were bookshelves. And not only bookshelves, but _filled_ bookshelves. It was as if he had ordered every known book ever printed and had managed to get them all into this basement on his own _while _building it. There were heavy cherry wood tables set up carefully around the room and I momentarily wondered how he'd gotten the monstrosities through the door. Knowing James, he didn't need to. He'd probably built them himself. There was a monster of a computer sitting atop one of the tables, the newest model I think I'd ever seen, and a stereo interrupting a small section of books on one of the shelves.

That was where I went when we separated for our own activities.

Every night, I would come down here and research the things James would tell me about on the beach. The most interesting of those things, to me at least, was his description of ancient venom. Of course, the internet hardly offered me anything about vampire venom, but I could look up some of the terms he used and try to understand what he was saying.

Ancient venom was a form of DNA. A very powerful form of DNA, one that could alter the DNA of a human completely. Of course, as far as that is concerned, vampire venom in general is like that. The differences between ancient venom and average venom? Execution of the change, the power of the venom itself, and the extra chemicals. Execution of the change, as James said, was the easiest to start with. It was the biggest difference, but it was the easiest to understand. Average venom changes the human to a vampire by coursing through the human's veins. It starts by changing the blood and it relies on the blood running it's course in order to change the organs and muscles, the tissue, the bones and then, last, the DNA. Ancient venom, on the other hand, went straight for the DNA and worked it's way out. James had said that by the time the human even feels the burning in his or her veins, the DNA has already been altered to the point where there is simply no going back. Average venom can be sucked from the veins, similar to what Edward had done with me, but ancient venom was a different beast entirely.

There was no getting it out of one's DNA.

James went on to explain that average venom, getting to the DNA last, only _happened upon_ powers. Upon natural gifts the human had. By the time it got to the DNA, the venom was, in essence, tired. It was losing it's power and it's intensity and with the last of it's energy, it would change the DNA and stop the heart. This usually left most vampires without those extra gifts. Ancient venom was nothing like that. Every single vampire that has ever been changed by an ancient has powers. Amazing powers. Ones that are, without any effort, stronger than the average vampire. Simply because the ancient venom attacks the DNA right away, it modifies it and takes the strongest aspects of the person and absorbs them into the vampire DNA. It searches out the gifts, the extra sections of DNA that are not the same from human to human, and it enhances them. It makes them stronger yet and ties them into the venom's DNA. This was what he had meant when he said the power of the venom itself.

The part of this entire thing that had me confused was when James said there are five chemicals in the ancient venom that are nowhere to be found in average venom. They are additional things that are not the causes for the change at all. He said that these five chemicals represent other things, things that only affect certain types of DNA. And not only that, but each separate chemical is dormant except for when it reacts to a single certain DNA strand.

To make it even more complex, if a vampire has a strand of DNA that will react with one of the chemicals, that chemical will not react with another vampire. Even if the second vampire has the same exact strand of DNA. That chemical is completely dormant again until the first vampire is dead.

And then, if a third vampire comes along with that same exact strand of DNA the chemical will react to him. Completely skipping the second vampire.

James refused to tell me what "affects" these five chemicals have on a vampire, simply stating that they create another power. One that has nothing to do with the gifts the human had before turning. And that he has only ever seen four of the chemicals react, one of them has never reacted to a single vampire.

Ever.

As you can imagine, I pester him about these powers every day. He never wavers. He says there's no point telling me because of how rarely they react, and because my powers aren't developed yet. He doesn't want me to focus on a power I may not have. He said he's seen vampires who could simply _will _things into existence and he doesn't want to screw things up if I have such a power. No matter how much I pout, he just smiles at me and kisses my forehead.

The other thing I found the most interesting is that, despite the fact that I've been a vampire for five weeks, I have not fed again. James left the house once to feed, returning a mere hour later and looking no different at all.

Once.

What kind of sick vampire hybrids are we? Really, now. The Cullens had to feed all the time, _especially _as newborns. I have not touched an ounce of blood since I fed from James in the hospital for _thirty seconds._

And I was even around humans. James and I would go shopping for groceries, because even though we didn't drink blood frequently, we ate at least one meal together a day. Groceries were simply part of our lives. So was sunblock. Any time it was sunny outside and we were leaving the property, James would yank me into the bathroom and rub sunblock on every inch of my skin that might possibly show. The small of my back, my back, my shoulders, my arms, my neck, my face, my legs, my feet.

But I never sparkled in front of a human. Who would have thought sunblock could do that? James said it was a perk of being an ancient. I still wondered if the Cullens had ever tried it.

--

It was Friday night. I was bored stiff of wandering the property for the zillionth time. James was strumming his guitar idly on the back porch. I opened the sliding glass door and leaned against it, crossing my arms and waiting for him to notice me.

"Something you need, Bella?"

"I'm bored, James."

"Ah. That is the life of a vampire, lovely."

"I want to go do something tonight. It's Friday night, why not?" He looked up at me from his guitar as I walked to take a seat in the empty chair beside him. Studying my face, he smirked at nodded.

"All right. It's been a while since you've fed though, perhaps we should do that."

It was the first time he'd said anything like that, so I didn't argue. He stood up and went inside, setting his guitar in it's stand just inside the door, and waited for me. I followed and he slid the door shut, pulling the curtains closed behind me. Placing his hands on the sides of my face, he smiled at me and kissed my lips lightly. Then his lips traveled down my chin until they met my neck. He stepped closer, pressing our bodies together firmly until my face was resting against the crook of his neck.

And then I smelled his blood and without even a thought, I bit down into his neck. He didn't flinch, he didn't freeze, he simply kissed my neck and shoulder while his heavy blood filled my mouth and I gulped it down hungrily.

I hadn't even thought I was thirsty.

I grabbed him tightly with my arms, wrapping my legs around his waist as he held me up with his hands, my mouth firmly against the base of his neck. The taste of him was exquisite, filling my stomach with a thick warmth and pushing outwards until it filled every inch of my body. I felt _him _in my fingertips, pushing against my skin. I pulled my mouth back, gasping, and let my head rest on his shoulder as I tried to control my breathing. He stopped kissing my neck and turned to look at me, that stupid smile back on his face. Smug bastard.

"Go get dressed if you still want to go out."


	24. Chapter 23, part i

**A/N:** So this obviously isn't the end of the scene, but I wanted to break it up because I've got a lot to do today and I didn't want to keep you guys waiting for all of it. I'm sorry about the cliffie at the end, but I promise to try my damnedest to get the second half of this chapter up later tonight. :D There's a link for Bella's dress in my profile & the one song I suggest that you listen to for both parts of this chapter is "Think Twice" by Eve 6, so much so that it's the only one I'm uploading right now for you guys. Seriously, it makes the chapter. (playlist link in my profile, DL link in the playlist).

the songs for this chapter (as a whole): **Anberlin** x _Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen_ & **Fall out Boy** x _Dance, dance_ & **metro station** x _disco_ & **the killers** x _mr. brightside_ & _somebody told me_ & **the pigeon detectives** x _everybody wants me_ & **panic! at the disco** x _it's time to dance_ & (most importantly) **eve 6** x _think twice_

* * *

**EthanPOV**

The girl standing at the bar appeared simple. Her brown hair had natural red highlights and it hung in comfortable curls down her back and over her shoulders. The black silk dress she wore was gorgeous, probably the most gorgeous thing about her. The strange thing was that I wanted nothing more than to rip it off her and leave it on the floor in my room. But she was so _plain._ For a vampire, at least. She had very little that was distinctive, except that her eyes were a warm brown. I'd never met a vampire who could have natural looking eyes without contacts _and those were not contacts._ I could smell her from across the nightclub, every inch of her skin seemed to be calling out to me.

So as you can imagine, when the dirty blond guy beside her stopped checking her out for the first time all night and excused himself to the bathroom, I was walking over there without really thinking about it. I vaguely heard a friend of mine calling out to me.

"Ethan, man, where are you going? Dude, get back here."

I had reached the girl by the time I even thought to turn around and by then it was too late. Who really would have wanted to, anyway, with this girl standing before him smelling like lavender and freesias? I reached out and gently tapped on her shoulder, watching in fascination the way the silk moved against her backside as she turned around to face me. And then she was _this close_ and I couldn't breathe and I almost felt lightheaded. Her large doe eyes met mine and I felt so inferior, as if there was something inexplicably powerful pacing in the depths of her eyes, waiting to get out. Her gaze stirred something deep in my chest and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear my heart was going to start beating in my chest.

I smiled down at her and watched the corner of her mouth turn up into a smirk. She reached into her little black clutch and pulled out a long, black cigarette. Was that a clove? I do believe it was. She lit it as I watched, holding the lighter a mere four inches from my chest. Perhaps I shouldn't have stood so close to her, she didn't seem very responsible with that flame. That wasn't safe. Instead of acting on that thought, I reached out my right hand and pressed it against the edge of the bar, consequently leaning my torso closer to her. Her small hand reached up and took the cigarette from between her lips as she exhaled a soft cloud of smoke. Her clutch and lighter had vanished. I studied the black smoke in her hand, positively enthralled by the faint glistening of her lip gloss against the paper.

I met her eyes again, those melted chocolate pools tugging at my chest.

"Hi," I croaked out. What the hell was this? I didn't _think _I was nervous, why was my voice breaking?

"Yeah."

Yeah? What kind of greeting was that? And did I really just sort of swoon at the sound of her voice? Let's try that again.

"I'm Ethan." At least my voice didn't break.

"That's nice." Her tone was flat, uninterested. She wasn't teasing, she wasn't complimenting me. And yet her voice sent hot pin-pricks all over my body. I felt like I'd never spoken to a girl in my life before, suddenly my stomach was churning and exploding with nervous flutters. Fucking butterflies. Great.

"What's your name?"

"Her name's Bella. You can go now." I fought to tear my eyes from hers as she exhaled another puff of smoke in my direction. When I finally ripped my eyes from her, I met the fierce glow of a pair of green eyes. Another vampire without contacts? What the hell? I pulled my sight back so I could focus on more than just blondie's eyes. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, his back straight, clearly unhappy with my relative position to his lady.

"I'm rather comfortable, thanks." If looks could kill...

"James, why don't we go dance?" Her voice again. Those same pin-pricks on every inch of my skin. And I do mean every inch. I straightened myself up, grabbing her hand and smirking at her friend.

"I'll dance with you, baby." With that I tugged her onto the dance floor, placing us in the center of the room, before I pulled her against me as much as she would allow. My hands cupped her waist, so small it easily fit in my grip, as my eyes stayed on hers. She danced slowly, not nearly the way she had with _James._ This knowledge pissed me off. Why wouldn't she dance with me that way? I pulled her closer forcibly, leaning my face down right against the side of hers. I told her she smelled fantastic. She stiffened momentarily but relaxed slightly. Slightly. She had one hand on my chest, keeping me from moving any closer, and she continued smoking with her other hand. Why was this woman so fucking sexy to me? I pressed my nose against the dip in her neck where her pulse would have been if she were human, inhaling the heavy scent of her skin.

Her friend was tapping my shoulder. I was ignoring him. That is, until he grabbed my arm and yanked me backwards by a few feet, forcing me to release her. Instantly, my body ached to fill the few spots she'd been. With my nose burning from her smell, my mind barely registered that I was speaking.

"Sorry buddy, but I think our lady friend is having a good time right here. Don't be an ass, man, let the woman dance." My voice was sure, confident, but mostly stupid. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this guy could be trouble. It was clear. It was hard to miss, actually, even just with a glance at him. The way he held himself, the way his jaw set, the way his clothes hung casually from him. He didn't wear anything that would restrict his movements, which was smart. But only if you were used to trouble. The way his hands were buried in his pockets, as if to keep him from swinging. Even standing there, his legs were set apart slightly as if he were bracing for impact.

Yeah, this guy was trouble, all right. Not someone you'd want to mess with. So why was I antagonizing him, then?

Beats me.

The low growl that rumbled from his chest nearly shook me, and if I'd had any sense I would have bowed out and left. Not just left them alone, either, but _left the bar entirely_. Yet, I didn't. I took a long breath, inhaling nothing but her scent, and felt a cocky sneer lift my lips up. What the fuck was wrong with me? Did I really want to fight this guy? Unwillingly, my eyes darted to the topic of our disagreement, smoking casually a few feet away from the both of us. I hadn't noticed that the rest of the patrons on the dance floor were avoiding the three of us entirely. Even drunk these humans had more sense than I did.

"You want me to get you outta here, baby? He seems a bit controlling, I'm sure you'd like the chance to get away. Maybe have some fun for once." There it was, my voice again. Speaking without permission. Stupid, stupid idea. I watched his eyes spark with a new level of angry. Perhaps he was right up at rage now? Yeah. Stupid fucking idea, that talking thing. His furor shone in his eyes like a fire blazing in the distance and I knew I was done for.

"I think you should leave."

"I think she wants me to stay. Someone has to get her out of here." I reached out and went to graze the skin of her arm with my fingertips, planning to grab her hand to prove my point.

"I would think twice about touching her, if I were you. Just a suggestion, but I won't repeat myself." This was a bad idea. A very, very bad idea.

"James, why don't we just go home?" Her voice shook, despite her clear attempts to make it even. Baby was scared. What was she scared of? A fight here? Or of him when they got home? _Did he fucking abuse her?_ Oh fuck no. I didn't even bother to disguise myself as I turned to look at her, studying her creamy skin and large doe eyes. She was a vampire, there would be no bruises, but I couldn't help scanning her body anyway. Is that what she was afraid of, him abusing her?

I felt a surge of protectiveness rush through me, mentally watching all my restraint and common sense leap from the window. This was stupid. So very stupid. But she clearly needed someone to step in on her behalf. No one would abuse this girl. I inhaled deeply before I let out a low, menacing growl from my throat. The smell of freesias filled my head, making my vision blurry.

"You don't have to go home to this asshole, baby."

"Really, Ethan, it's all right. I think we should go, James." Her voice was panicked now.

"I would really suggest that you stop calling her that, _Ethan_." He spat my name at me like it was a filthy word. I felt my own anger building in my chest. This was going to end badly. But I was fast, faster than any vamp I'd ever met, and I intended on putting that to good use.

"Why don't we take this outside?" Before either of them could really expect anything, I swept her up into my arms and bolted out the back door of the nightclub. She had just started to struggle as I set her down outside, her lovely face forming a malicious glare directed right at me. Had I done something wrong? I was trying to _help_.

"Bella! Did he hurt you?" For the first time since I'd spoken to this James, his voice was gentle, a soft caress between them without the use of hands. I wanted to believe it was fake, it was all a show, but I struggled with it. It didn't stop me from my next stupid idea, however.

I swung my right fist directly into James's jaw. I watched him fly backwards and hit the brick wall of the building we'd just exited.


	25. Chapter 23, part ii

**A/N:** Okay guys, I'm really sorry about not posting last night. I _was _trying. I re-wrote this part of the chapter like four times, three of them were done last night. At some point, I just gave up and decided that my writing skills had taken a leave of absence. So I started over today and now it's done and I like it a _helluva_ lot more than the other versions. Here you go~

**head automatica** x _brooklyn is burning_

**the cinematics** x _break_

**the exies** x _dear enemy_

**drowning pool** x _bodies_

**does it offend you, yeah** x _doomed now_

**sugarcult** x _explode_

**less than jake** x _short fuse burning_ & _lights out_

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**JPOV**

There was something to be said about being thrown towards a brick wall via impact to your _jaw_. Pain was an understatement, really. Even as a vampire, I couldn't neglect the throbbing ache in my face. I wondered if he'd knocked a few teeth loose. A human would have shattered every bone in his hand with a punch like that. This kid packed a punch, I'd give him that. But he was also stupid. Oh yeah, a few teeth were loose. I could feel them stitching themselves back into their rightful places.

It took absolutely no effort on my part to halt my speeding path to the brick wall. I forcibly threw _myself _the rest of the few inches, having only been concerned with destroying the wall and bringing attention to us. Even using telekinesis to toss myself into it destroyed part of the wall, though that wouldn't even be noticed until a worker had to take the trash out in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't need Ethan noticing my ability before I wanted him to. So a quick collision with the wall was something I was willing to suffer through for the advantage of surprise. Bella was at my side, cooing in my ear and attempting to dust off the particles of demolished brick from my shoulders. I didn't even bother lifting myself from the ground before I brought my hand up and lifted Ethan from his feet from across the parking lot. I threw him into a parked car. The metal crunched beneath his weight as the tires pushed sideways, forcing the first car to collide with another one beside it. And then another.

I curled the fingers of that same hand into a fist, pulling him out of the wreckage and slamming him down on the ground. Hard. I heard bones snap. The thing about being a vampire, though, is that even broken bones heal in seconds. I opened my hand, releasing my hold on him, and waited for him to recover. No need to kick a vampire while he was down, it wasn't fair and was typically looked down upon by any self-respecting person. Bella wouldn't approve if I destroyed this kid without giving him a fighting chance.

I stood up and dusted myself off, glancing up when it registered to me that Bella was rushing to Ethan's side, running her long fingers through his hair as he lay on the ground face down. She was speaking quietly to him, asking him if he was going to be all right. _What. the. fuck._

Now that was just infuriating. Any polite break I was willing to give the kid was shortened dramatically by my temper being aggravated. What the fuck was Bella doing? Did she honestly have any concern for this little shit? I growled low in my throat and lifted my hand again, his body rising from the ground. I stood him up in the air and dropped him to his feet from about thirty feet in the air. Nothing dangerous. He landed on his feet, crouched down with his knees bent and his right palm flat on the concrete. He was healed fine, and I wondered if I regretted that. His head rose slowly as he looked up at me and I knew that look. Fury was not appropriate. Unequivocal malice might be.

He returned my growl and lunged at me, faster than I expected, slamming me to the ground and proceeding to punch me directly in the face. Again. His free hand gripped my shirt and he lifted us both off the ground. I'd let him have his moment, and then I would slaughter him. He pulled me up just inches from his face, growling in his throat again as he spoke.

"No more gifts, fucker. We end this on fair ground." _ Fine, kid, I can do that._

"Fine," my normal smooth tone was long gone, my voice held nothing except contempt and rage and a fire that was eating me alive.

So this was jealousy, or the vampiric equivalent.

I lifted my left hand and swung with as much force as I could muster directly into the side of his head. He released me and stumbled back a few steps, his hand going up to soothe his now-injured head. Then he turned quickly and brought his foot up in a round-house kick towards the side of _my_ head. An eye for an eye. I ducked and threw my own leg out, catching his grounded foot with mine and knocking him off balance. He landed on the pavement face-first. I heard the cracking of his nose as it gave beneath his weight. That was oddly satisfying.

Bella was yelling but it was nothing more than background noise at this point. I could have tried to understand what she was saying except that to do so would have distracted me from side-stepping a punch to the stomach. But since I _wasn't _trying to understand Bella's panicked screams, I side-stepped said punch and brought my knee up to meet his mouth with a loud crunching noise.

Ow. That probably hurt.

I reached out and grabbed a fistful of his hair, yanking him up to his feet and throwing him backwards in one powerful toss. He slammed heavily into the dumpster across the parking lot, the metal creaking and folding around his form. He slid to the ground before rolling out of the damaged dumpster and lifting himself to his feet. He shook off the collision quickly and stalked towards me, slowly. He was being deliberate, thinking he could frighten me off by acting unfazed. We circled each other for a moment, taking steps at the same time, watching the other's movements carefully. We were sizing each other up, and if I was being honest, the annoyance across from me was more of a challenge than I gave him credit for. At least, without the use of my gifts he was. It was his speed, really. But it hardly mattered, I was faster. I _knew_ I was faster. But it had been a long time since someone could push me to have to be faster. I could feel my muscles tightening all throughout my body, anticipating my next attack. He lunged at me again, always the eager one, and I leaped from my spot on the pavement. Curling myself into a ball, I spun in mid-air and landed on my feet. Directly in the center of his back, pinning him to the pavement with an explosive pop. I stepped off of his shattered spine and walked a few feet away, giving him room to move. No use making this too easy.

Bella's screams became more urgent but, really, neither of us were paying any attention.

That is, until a streak of white-hot flame flew directly between us and caught a parked car on fire. Then, we payed attention. It had almost looked like a comet flying passed me, the tail of it dancing with little licks of golden yellow flame and bright orange sparks. Slowly, I turned my head in the other direction, my gaze landing on Bella. She was on her knees, her warm brown eyes large and shocked. Panic was clear on her face and the backs of her hands rested on her thighs, her fingers curled up slightly as if she were tense.

Of course she was tense. Someone just fired off a flame-thrower behind her. That's when it hit me, _Bella was in danger_. I took off running towards her, scooping her into my arms as my eyes covered the entire span of the parking lot and the area passed us. No one. She was untouched, luckily for the shitfuck who'd done it.

"Find the fucker with the flame-thrower, I'm going to put her somewhere safe," I couldn't believe I was calling Ethan to arms to defend the woman we were, in essence, fighting over. But this wasn't about us, this wasn't about jealousy, this wasn't about pride. This was about Bella, it was about keeping her safe. And it meant I needed _someone _to watch my back as I hid her, and he was the only one here. He would have to do. I ran towards the ocean, my speed literally so fast that my feet never fully touched the ground. Easily two hundred miles an hour. I held Bella firmly against my chest as I ran, wondering if she knew what was going on at all. She hadn't said anything, her eyes were still wide with shock and I was _not _going to make it worse by telling her exactly what I thought was happening. There really was only one option.

Hunters.

It was a rare occurrence, to be sure, but it _did _happen. It _was _happening. Some egotistical human somehow found out about vampires and didn't simply dismiss the notion. Instead, he went and bought a flame-thrower and decided to eliminate the species. Yeah, because that was the logical thought process. Obviously, it was an even _more_ rare occurrence when the moron succeeded. And when he did, it was _only _one vampire and it was _always_ by way of absolute surprise.

He was usually slaughtered shortly thereafter. Sometimes, it has to be done.

I was at the water's edge now, Bella in my arms. I set her on her feet and cupped her small face in my hands. "Baby, listen to me." Her eyes lifted to meet mine, but I knew that she was barely here with me. She was somewhere else entirely, buried in her mind beneath shock and fear and surprise. I wanted nothing more than to lift her back into my arms and run my hands through her hair and soothe her until she was no longer afraid. But the only way I could do that would be to eliminate the threat entirely. "Bella, you have to go underwater for me, okay? Stay here until I come to get you. Go out about three miles and sit on the ocean floor. They won't be able to find you there. Okay? Do you understand me?" She nodded gently and I kissed her lips hard. I took her clutch and hid it a few feet away. I returned to her and kissed her again, quickly. "All right, baby, go now." And she did, diving into the water and speeding off just like I told her to.

Then I sped back to the parking lot. It took me no more than a minute and a half. Ethan was scouting the area as I'd instructed but when I returned, he looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

"There's no one here, James. No one could have gotten away that quickly. If it _was _a hunter, he'd have stayed until he could hit one of us. Don't you think?"

The kid had a point actually, but I had to be sure. I couldn't risk someone coming after Bella simply because I trusted some kid. Some kid I didn't even know.

"We look again. I can't take that risk."

And so we looked. Everywhere. Rooftops, cars, buildings. We looked in cars that were hundreds of blocks away. I scanned the minds of everyone within range. _Nothing._ We couldn't find a single trace. In fact, every fresh scent in the parking lot was either from us or was traceable into the nightclub. There was nothing for us to find. But I kept Ethan searching for hours. We were chasing nothing, even I knew it, but I couldn't let it go. The fear of someone coming after Bella because I'd neglected one tiny little thing was overwhelming.

"Dude, _we aren't finding anything._ Why can't you just let it go?"

"Because Bella is the one at risk here," I spat. The acid in my voice was painful even for me, my throat burned with it as I spoke. Ethan looked shocked.

"She's not at risk if there isn't anyone at all to find, James."

"Then how do you explain the fucking fireball, Ethan? If you're so fucking sure of this, explain that to me."

And then, as if Ethan had punched me in the back of the head, the realization hit me. And it hurt. Christ, I was so fucking _stupid_. How could I have overlooked this? I felt my knees buckle and crash into the pavement. Ethan froze where he stood, his mouth half open as if to respond to me. Shock was apparent on his face, he had no idea what could have caused me to collapse like that. Vampires don't have heart attacks.

"Uh. You okay?"

The tension was still thick between us and the idea of having to _ask _the other if he was okay was simply torturous. All we wanted to do was make sure he _wasn't_ okay, but until the threat was discovered we were forced to work with each other. And I was certainly _not _okay.

"I figured it out."

"What? Where is the guy?"

"About a thousand feet under water."

* * *

**Ending Notes:** So yeah. :D WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! tell me what you think!!


	26. Chapter 24

**A/N:** Okay, bbs. I'm skipping the song for this chapter. Why? Because I've been on a club music kick and none of it is meant for this playlist and for some strange reason, I'm sitting here clubbing it out in my head (i need to get out more y/y?) and all I want to do is write up this chapter. So here I am.~

--

**BPOV** ('bout time right?!)

The ocean floor was silent, peaceful. I was grateful that the fish stayed away. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, and even the silent fish would have felt like my privacy was being invaded. This was why I liked the ocean. The silence. The endless space. The calming feeling of slowly moving water on my skin. The darkness. Of course, it didn't really matter how dark it was, I could always see.

All I could see right now was the stream of fire that flew from my fingertips in the parking lot. Even I was struggling with this knowledge, _and it had happened because of me._ I didn't know what caused it, I didn't know where the fire came from, I didn't know why I wasn't burned. I did know one small thing, though. I tried the thought out for size.

I throw fire.

Hm. Didn't have the impact I thought it would.

I'm a vampire that throws fire.

That had a bit more of a kick to it. Vampires are notoriously flammable. What was I doing tossing fireballs around? And while we're on the subject, _what was I doing throwing fireballs at James?_ Was it really at James? Was it at Ethan?

Was it at _anything_ in particular?

I couldn't imagine wanting to throw a fireball at James.

Ethan, maybe. But not James.

This was so unbelievably strange. It felt surreal to say the least. _I throw fire._ The thought still felt incredibly unusual in my head. Was I dreaming? Was this just an incredibly long dream and I would wake up human? I couldn't imagine that being the case, no matter how weird this entire situation was.

Why did James want me down here? I'd really like a cigarette. I wonder if I could light it myself? What was the purpose of putting me under water? I could _almost_ recall him giving me a reason of some sort but his words had been so distant to me, I was barely even focusing enough to understand that he wanted me down here. My brain was in a completely different place.

This place. The place in which I threw fire.

Still weird.

I crossed my arms over my chest, pulling my legs beneath me Indian style. I would wait here like he'd asked.

He did ask me to.

Right?

I rolled my eyes at myself. Of course he did. And now I will wait patiently for him to come back and explain everything to me. Because he would. It's what James did. He knew everything, always, and I had become used to this. I relied on it. But for now, I was alone. Underwater and wondering if this was going to water-log me. Could that happen? How many fire-throwing vampires were there? Would _they_ know if this was somehow damaging? I frowned to myself.

Was it worth the risk to continue sitting here if it was going to affect my ability just so I could listen to James?

I was an adult, I could make my own decisions. What would Edward suggest?

Suddenly I was furious. What the hell did I care what Edward would think? Edward would probably hope I drowned, if I was honest with myself. He didn't have a _right _to dictate my choices anymore. _Fuck Edward._

Different tactic.

_What would __**James**__ suggest?_ Calm washed over me suddenly, the peace easing the tension in my shoulders and the small amount of panic that was welling in my chest. James would tell me to calm down, first off. He would tell me to think rationally, weigh the pros and cons. I shut my eyes, blocking out the sights of the heavy blue ocean.

Pros of staying under water: James had suggested it.

Cons of staying under water: I could get water logged and never throw another fire ball again.

I pouted. One for one. There has to be another reason for at least one of the slots. Assuming I got _out _of the water, would James be able to find me? Did I have somewhere I could go to wait for him discretely? _Did I even know where I was?_

Hell, did I even _know_ I threw fireballs? Did vampires hallucinate? What was wrong with me! I growled low in my throat, frustrated at the circles I was thinking myself into. This couldn't go on anymore, I had to make a decision. I opened my eyes and pushed myself upwards harshly, breaking the surface of the water within a few seconds even though I was at least a thousand feet below the water. I swam to shore slowly, sitting my wet self onto the sand just far enough that the waves crashed and foamed just at my toes, bending my knees up and pulling them against my chest. I let my chin rest on my knees as I studied the water in silence. I really needed to figure things out, and the more I thought about it, the longer the list grew. I frowned into my knees.

I felt a growing pressure in my head. I knew I should have just figured out this growing list already, there was no point pushing things off. But I _wasn't_ crazy and I didn't want to feel like I had to _fix_ my head. The truth was that I was just scared about the things I would end up with, the decisions I would make. About Edward, about my old life, about James. What could I do that would just... solve everything? I used to think that becoming a vampire would do that, I would get to be with Edward forever - we'd have all the time in the world to figure things out. But that wasn't the case, and now that I was stuck in this decision, I knew that. I had left Charlie behind, a fact I certainly wasn't ready to face. James would give me the saddest eyes whenever I mentioned Charlie. I never let him know how much I struggled with my choice, how much I had to smother the feelings it brought into light.

Was I a bad daughter? Did I not love Charlie enough?

Should I go back and let him know I was okay?

As if the guilt that plagued me over Charlie wasn't enough, I knew how Renee had reacted to me. I was bitter over that. I remembered everything she'd said when she came into the room at the hospital. I may not have been completely attached to my body but I was certainly capable of hearing what was going on around me. All up until I fed from James, that is. That was the last time I fell asleep, and it would be for the rest of my... non-life. I couldn't address the issue of my _mother_.

I could always address the issue of _Edward._ Or of James. Or my sudden powers. Or my restlessness. Ugh.

Fine. Edward.

I loathed him lately. I could remember clearly everything he had ever said to me, and in the impeccable sights of my new eyes, I saw _everything._ The half-truths, the subtle hints, the way _he made every fucking decision for me._ I was not a child, I was capable of making my own choices. I had done it my entire life up until him. I may have only been seventeen but that certainly wasn't excuse enough for him to step in and run my life the way he thought it should be.

It sure as fucking hell wasn't his place to decide whether or not he was putting me in danger. I was more than capable of deciding that for myself. And _yes,_ I may have flirted with the danger. I may have welcomed it. But I was entitled. He was doing the same thing. Who was he to make my choices for me when he _clearly_ was making the same "mistakes"? It infuriated me to think about. I felt the burning rise in my throat and I swallowed back a mouthful of venom.

I hated him.

But more than just every now and then my mind would wander to him. As if he would creep into my subconscious and deliberately trick me into thinking about him. It felt like he was still somehow controlling my life. It felt like I was the only factor that had little to no say in my life. Except James. I had to give him credit where it was due. He never made my decisions for me. He simply stepped back and smiled, making a few suggestions. He never made just one because it would probably make him look like he was partial to it. It was always at least two suggestions, giving me choices. _Forcing_ me to make the decision myself.

He was a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room.

I missed him.

Then it occurred to me that I had no idea where he'd gone. He'd left me here, for reasons I couldn't remember, and I was suddenly concerned for him. Was he all right? How long had I been here? What the fuck was he doing?

Was he with someone?

That didn't make any sense. I mentally slapped myself for the thought. I needed a cigarette.

I looked around for my clutch, my eyes landing on a small section of sand that was shaped as if by hands and not waves. Right, he'd hidden it instead of letting me take it into the water with me. I walked over to the small mound of sand and dug out the tiny little purse, digging my cigarettes out. Djarum Blacks. My favorite things in the entire world, second only to the way James's blood tasted.

That's how good they were.

Or he was.

The thought made me chuckle to myself as I set the smoke between my slightly damp lips. I pulled out my lighter and looked at it for a minute. Then I looked at my empty right hand. Lighter. Hand. Lighter. Curious.

I snapped my fingers. Nothing. No sparks. The disappointment was hard to ignore. Of course, it wouldn't just _happen_. Somewhere in my head I knew that. I stared at my fingertips, focusing every minuscule bit of my attention on imagining fire the next time I snapped.

I counted down from five, still imagining the little flame bursting from my fingers, and snapped quickly.

There was a spark! Barely, hardly noticeable, but there. The excitement grew in my chest. I did it again, the spark was even smaller. I pouted down at my hands. Perhaps I _was_ waterlogged? Grudgingly, I decided to stop attempting before I did something even more detrimental, and flicked the lighter at the end of my cigarette. I situated myself in the sand again, sitting identically to the way I was before. I smoked slowly, enjoying every long drag and blowing it out of my nose. I watched the sky lighten slightly. Now I was really wondering where he was.

Before I realized it, I'd smoked the rest of my pack. My pout returned. It was nearly dawn and James was nowhere to be seen. How long ago had we exited the nightclub? If I could remember _that_ at least, then perhaps I could estimate when I'd gotten here and how long he'd been gone. I'd glanced up at the clock when James had gone into the bathroom. It had been just after midnight. How long had the fight gone on? Not long, really. They _were_ vampires. Five minutes, tops. The run here had been quick, that much I knew. So at the absolute latest, I'd arrived here around one in the morning. Now it was dawn.

Five hours.

That was a long time for a vampire to be gone. Now I was panicking just a little.


	27. Chapter 25

**A/N:** Here it be~ Again, I'm still listening to club music. This chapter was really hard for me to write and I'm not sure why - I think it's just that I'm not in the mood to write lately but I didn't want to make you guys wait too long. So it's going to be short, but there's also a bit of something dirty okay? :)

* * *

**JPOV**

"What the fuck does that mean?" Ethan was speaking. His judging was starting to irritate me. Did the kid ever just _shut up_? I was beginning to think the answer to that question was a big, resounding "no".

I ignored him, the same way I had been doing for the past half hour. I was _trying_ to think. The sun was going to be coming up shortly. I dropped my head into my hands, my mind wandering to Bella. She'd been underwater for going on five hours now. That was a long time to be left alone, not really having any idea what was going on. Though at least she wasn't panicked about hunters the way I had been for the first few hours of this. I still couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. How could I just _assume_ things like that? Was it because I was afraid of failing her, of not protecting her properly? That seemed to be the most logical reason.

I was better than that, though. Not better than protecting her, of course, but better than jumping to conclusions and acting rashly. I was smarter. It was bothering me beyond belief that I'd acted on such an impulse and wasted so much valuable time. And for the second time today, a thought hit me full force, powerful enough to make me wonder if I was being hit by a semi.

Bella was underwater.

Bella, the vampire that _can throw fucking fire_, was _under fucking water._

Somehow, this didn't seem safe. I pushed myself off the floor quickly and shoved my way passed Ethan. I muttered a quick 'thanks' and took off running towards the beach I'd left Bella at. I came short at the edge of the woods bordering the ocean, skidding to a stop as her scent hit me full force. Well, she wasn't under water. I scanned the beach for her and there she was, curled up into herself just where the waves couldn't reach. I could still smell the cigarette smoke in the air. Realizing she was safe, I could breathe again.

I hadn't even noticed it was a problem before.

I frowned to myself, leaning my back against a tree and sliding to the ground to bury my face in my hands. I'd never felt so stupid in my life. Where was my gift now, when I fucking _needed_ it? This wasn't how it usually worked.

I thought about something.

I knew it.

It was that fucking simple.

Except for now. Maybe I wasn't thinking about the right thing?

Bella throws fireballs. What else is there to think about, really? Why she was throwing fireballs?

_Fuck me._ I was such a fucking moron. Of _course_.

I hopped up to my feet and bolted across the sand, slowing to a jog so I wouldn't startle her. She heard me approaching and threw herself to her feet, jumping into my arms and clinging to me tightly.

"I was worried about you! Where the fuck were you?!" I smiled into her hair, hiding it because it would only infuriate her if she thought I found her panic funny. I didn't, I simply couldn't ignore the joy I felt that she cared enough to worry.

"I'm sorry, baby. I... I was stupid." There really wasn't any other way of saying it.

"Stupid? Why, what happened?" She pulled back a little so she could meet my eyes, presumably to scan my face to figure out what I meant. I frowned again.

"I acted on impulse, I wasn't thinking properly. If I had taken a second to _think_, I wouldn't have gone tearing through town looking for someone that wasn't there."

"I'm not following, James." I sighed. I hated telling people about my gifts. So I didn't.

"Your DNA reacted to one of those dormant chemicals, Bell." She completely released her hold on me, startled, but luckily I was holding onto her as well so she didn't drop to the ground.

"It did? That's the reason for the... fireballs?"

"Yes."

"How do you know that?"

"The same way I know everything else." She understood. Bella knew there was something different about the way I knew things, but she also understood how uncomfortable I was talking about things like that. She let it go, trusting me. She'd once told me that she'd never bet against Alice, then she'd smirked and said "But if it were between you and Alice, I'd never bet against you."

"So I throw fireballs, then?" She was grinning from ear to ear as if she'd just made the funniest joke ever told. I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Well, you _did _once. You will again when you learn."

"I tried again. I think I'm waterlogged." I perked my brow up at her. Clearly she hadn't just been wasting her time here.

"Oh? Nothing happened?"

"I sparked." She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, as if everyone threw fireballs and everyone would understand what she meant when she said "sparked". Shit, she was cute. I chuckled again and leaned in to kiss her nose. She let her arms rest around my neck again, locking her legs behind my back. It took nothing longer than a second before I felt a wave of heat crash into me. I met her gaze and her brown eyes were smoldering beneath her lashes. Instantly, she crushed her lips to mine heavily and I had no choice. My hands were in her hair, digging for a grip and pulling her harder against me. I was biting on her lip and throwing our bodies to the beach, the impact tossing stray granules of sand flying around us. Her tongue was fighting with mine for control, her damp dress soaking my clothes and her long, delicate fingers scratching at my back. I broke away from her lips, dragging my teeth along her neck until I was halted by the top of her dress. I growled and reached up my right hand from her hip, ripping an opening in the dress that revealed her collarbones to me. My mouth was on them the second my eyes could see them, magnetically pulled to her skin. My right hand was back on her hip, mimicking my left hand, and pressing my fingers into her skin. I pulled her roughly upwards, crushing our bodies into each other. She let out a soft moan and I realized there really was no going back for me. _**(( here's where i'll say "warning" again ))**_

I'd seen her walking around my house in her tiny little underpants and a tank top, swimming nude, dancing slowly to the jazz beats in the kitchen wearing almost _nothing_. This was the culmination of all of those moments, every single time I thought "No, leave it be. She'll come to you." And she did. Now. On the beach where sand would get into very uncomfortable places, even for vampires. She breathed my name and I was pulled back into reality harshly as she tugged off my shirt and started on the buckle of my belt. A low growl erupted from my throat again and I leaned down to lick my way down her chest, between her breasts. Everything I could see while her dress still covered the more tempting parts of her skin. My fingertips dug deeper into her hips as she yanked my belt from my pants. Her little body was nothing like it had been before. A liquid diet had chiseled down her body to nothing except sinewy muscle and delicate-looking bones with her skin tightly pulled over every beautiful inch.

I'd seen many women in my time, of this Bella was aware, _but none of them_ could call forth my animalistic nature the way she did. Growls were a constant from me nearly any time our bodies touched this way, escaping my lips more frequently than my breaths. Her little hands felt their way around my own body expertly, as if she'd been doing this for nearly as long as I had. Her mouth had found it's way to my own neck, licking and sucking where she saw fit. Biting down where she couldn't resist. She fed from me repeatedly for a few seconds at a time, nibbling at my chest and stomach. She bit down hard right above my hip bone, causing me to breathe out her name as she took one long, deep gulp from my veins. I could feel the blood in my own veins rushing to that spot, eager to find it's way into her delicate, soft pink lips.

This was better than any sex I'd ever had and we weren't even naked yet.

She licked her way from one hipbone to the other, occasionally dipping her hot tongue beneath my jeans by a fraction of an inch. She fucking knew what she was doing to me, she had to know. My entire body ached, throbbed, simply because of her proximity to me. I felt weak and empowered in the same breath. When I finally tired of her games I slipped my arms beneath hers and yanked her body up to me, pulling us both to our feet. My right hand wound around the back of her neck, forcing her lips to meet mine, the gentle tingle of my own blood dancing between our tongues as I deepened the kiss. My left hand slid down her chest, looping around the bottom of the tear in her dress and quickly removing the entire thing with a harsh ripping sound. Dropping the material on the sand, I lifted her legs up into my left arm and backed up quickly, biting her lip and enjoying the way her breath grazed my mouth as she gasped. Then her legs were wrapped around my hips again, pressing herself against my obvious erection. I growled somewhere deep in my chest. I continued backing up until the water was at my shoulders. I turned around to face the expanse of ocean and then I threw her out into the water, watching her crash into the waves a few hundred feet out. I dove under the water and was in front of her about the same time she realized how deep she was in the ocean. Her feet were planted firmly on the ocean floor and she opened her eyes to look down at me as I knelt in front of her, tugging her panties off and sliding my hands upwards and around her back. She smirked down at me as I unclasped her strapless bra and watched it float down to the floor of the ocean. She stood in front of me, completely bare and submerged in murky blue water, her hair floating around gracefully. My entire body pulsed as if I had a heartbeat. She knelled down in front of me, pulling her fingertips down my shoulders, leaning forward and pushing me backwards until I was laying on the ground. I straightened my legs out and pulled her over me until her naked body was straddling my jeans. Those weren't there for long once she realized they were in her way. Neither were my boxers.

For the next three hours, Bella and I rolled around on the ocean floor, thrusting into and onto each other and digging our fingers into skin until we broke every possible barrier between us. The silence of the ocean forcing us to focus on the way things felt rather than getting to enjoy the noises that would have escaped our throats. Every time she growled in her chest I felt the vibrations throughout my entire body. I came to understand every single inch of her skin and the way it needed to be handled. Sometime in the middle of our romping, I'd pulled her off of me and thrown her against a small wall of earth, wrapping her legs around my shoulders and kissing my way around. On the up most part of her thigh, I'd bitten down and fed lightly, causing her entire body to convulse.

I'd learned quick and by the time I'd found my release I'd caused her to climax six times. _**(( end dirty~ ))**_

Eventually, we searched for our garments (or what was left of them) and pulled on what we had. I'd bolted out of the water and to the woods, scooping up her clutch on the way and waiting for her there. It was almost nine in the morning and there would be people milling about the beach, so we wanted to just get home quickly. She came crashing towards me, our bodies colliding, laughing as we tumbled to the leaves and pine needles of the forest floor. I kissed her soft mouth lightly, revelling in the noises that I could now hear.

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**Ending Notes:** So I feel dirty again~


	28. Chapter 26

**A/N:** So I'm listening to _Porcelain and the Tramps_. The demo album, whilst I wait for _the Redlight District_ to finish downloading. So yeah, that's the playlist for this chapter.

* * *

**BPOV**

I was breathless and elated by the time we came crashing through the front door of the house, racing each other to the bathroom for the shower. The idea of dragging him in there with me did pass my mind a few times, but I'd decided that a three-hour romp beneath the waves of the ocean was enough water play for one day. I slammed the bathroom door behind me with a loud burst of laughter.

"Told you I'd get here first," I mocked. His laughter on the other side of the door told me he'd let me get here first, which was fine by me. I hadn't said I would beat him here by my own abilities, in fact I'd been counting on him being a gentleman. It was in his nature. I smirked to myself as I peeled of my wet undergarments and dragged a hairbrush through the tangled, briny mess that was my hair. Once it was knot-free, I turned on the hot water for the shower and watched as the steam filled the bathroom before climbing in. The hot water felt amazing in contrast to the temperature of the ocean which hadn't really affected my skin at all. The heat did wonders. As I took my time washing my mind wandered to what James and I had spent so much time doing beneath the disturbed glassy surface of the ocean.

And it was dirty.

And it was thrilling.

And it left me aching all over again.

I giggled to myself as I scrubbed a loofah over my skin. _I just lost my virginity_. The idea sent a cold shiver down my spine. _To James._ I giggled some more.

It was times like this that I really missed having girlfriends. Shouldn't I be calling someone and gushing? I pouted lightly but shrugged it off as I looked in the mirror, wetting my toothbrush and squirting out some toothpaste and proceeding to stick the toothbrush into my mouth. I studied my eyes, noting the burnt hazel color that had become more noticeable around my pupils. I loved it, if I were being honest. I turned to my right and studied my towel-clad body in the full-length mirror. My arms had become more firm, my legs having developed small, hard calf muscles. My collarbones were more defined, my throat was thinner which made it look a bit longer. My face had thinned out as well.

I was just thinning all over the place. I dropped the towel and refrained from gasping. My body looked so incredibly different. I'd always been on the slim side but this was _ridiculous_. There wasn't an ounce of fat on my body. My thighs were slimmer, lean and rock hard. My abdomen was fucking gorgeous, small little ab muscles forming in a delicate four-pack, leading up to my ribcage that was defined but not in an unhealthy way. My breasts were perky and even _they_ seemed to be made of muscle and not fat, though that wasn't possible. I turned around so I had to peer over my shoulder to see my backside. My butt was small and perky, fitting my waist just right. My shoulderblades were defined and shapely, every little muscle in my back rippling whenever I moved.

This was unbelievable. No wonder Rosalie and Alice were so gorgeous, they didn't have to worry about muffin tops or rolls or if their thighs were too wide. I made the decision to re-try-on all the clothes I'd purchased a few weeks ago. I didn't want them to not fit properly anymore, so I'd have to take them back if they were baggy.

And it took _one _planned shopping trip for me to think, 'If Alice knew about this, she'd be bouncing around the room, begging me to go _now_.' _If Alice knew._

Alice always knew. One decision and Alice would always know. I dropped down and scooped up my towel, wrapping it around me and rushing to the bathroom door. Yanking it open, I bolted into the bedroom in a panic.

"James! Alice knows!"

He looked up at me from his book, setting it aside on the bed and leaning forward, uncrossing his ankles and pulling his legs toward him.

"Why do you say that, baby?"

"Because, James, she's a precog!"

"Can she scan the future or is she subjected to only random visions?"

"She can scan as far as I know. But of course she gets the random visions, whenever someone makes a decision." I watched as James's eyes closed for a moment, clearly he was thinking. I waited. He always did this.

"She won't be able to see you at all, Bella."

"What? Why?"

"Because of your power negation."

"But I can't control that yet, how can I be controlling it enough that she won't be able to tell? And what about before I was changed, James? She could see me then! Oh my God, James, they all know! I don't want them to come here!"

The panic was swelling in my chest and even though I didn't need oxygen, my lungs were burning without it as the panic kept me from breathing. James was at my side, rubbing my bare back and humming against my temple.

This wasn't my first panic attack around him.

He lifted me off my feet, removing the toothbrush from my hand and wiping my mouth with his sleeve. He set the toothbrush on the dresser and carried me to the bed, where he seated me in his lap. Running his hand through my damp hair, he continued to hum against my temple, his free hand rubbing small circles on my thigh with his thumb. Eventually, the panic attack passed and I was just sitting in his lap quietly.

"I'm sorry, I hate doing that."

"Shh. Don't be ridiculous. It's understandable." There was no arguing with him. So I didn't bother.

"So how am I negating her powers when I don't even know where she is?"

"It's not that your powers are reaching out to her, it's more like her powers would have to be reaching out to you - and your ability to cancel out powers would stop hers from ever getting close enough to predict anything about you."

"But what about when I was human?" My question caused him to pause and for a moment, he had a sheepish look on his face. "What, James? What is it?"

"Well, I didn't want you to panic over the plan before we could put anything into action and I could tell you were going to so I... I kind of supressed a few things in your mind." His voice was low, quiet in the way that only shame can make it.

"You used mind control?"

"Not necessarily. I simply kept you from thinking about things, like I'd flipped a light switch. And since I'd made it so you weren't even thinking about your decision there's no way Alice could have had any visions pertaining to it."

"What about you? She can see you and _you _made a decision." Now his expression changed completely to shame.

"I wasn't one hundred percent sure I'd go through with it."

"Oh." I frowned heavily. So he hadn't been sure he wanted me to be a vampire with him. I suppose I couldn't fault him for that, I mean, we'd barely known each other. But I'd _needed_ his help. He lifted my chin up until our eyes met.

"Bella, stop. It had nothing to do with anything you're thinking. I was afraid for _you_. I didn't want to get my hopes up in case you somehow changed your mind."

I scoffed at him, playing it off, "how do you know what I was thinking?" His smirk was cocky. Jerk.

"I know your expressions, Bella. I don't need to read your mind."

I took in a long, steady breath.

"So she can't see me at all? She doesn't know?"

"The odds are quite against it."

"So won't she panic, thinking I'm dead?"

"Baby, you're forgetting the wolf. She can't see with the wolf around, she probably just figures you're hanging out with him."

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**Ending Notes:** Small cliffie, I know. I also know this is the shortest chapter in a while. :( Sorry~ lol. Okay, I'm really sleepy now so I'm going to go to bed. Hopefully I'll get another chapter up tomorrow!


	29. Chapter 27

**A/N:** Sorry about yesterday. :( I just could not motivate myself to write, at all. So yeah, here I am now. Still listening to Porcelain and the tramps~ Except I really encourage listening to them for the next few chapters during BPOV because, honestly, they suit her so much right now. hardcore. plus, they're my newest obsession.

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**JPOV**

Bella had not been pleased when I told her about her friend Jacob having the shape-shifter gene. Not at all. I explained to her about Alice's gift, knowing how it worked with only a moment of considering it. Alice couldn't see shape-shifters, therefore, Bella being around them would leave her invisible to Alice. Which would be a perfectly good reason for Alice to not panic that Bella had died. Simple, really.

It didn't leave Bella any less furious. She didn't understand why Jacob didn't tell her. There was no rationalizing with her. She was going to be angry, and that was the end of it. She would hear no reason. So she went out for a run on the beach to calm down, I waited here to avoid having that fierce gaze turn on me if I said the wrong thing.

It was part of her temper, which had started to rear it's head since her change. It was frightening to watch her delicate features contort into rage. Thankfully, it had yet to be directed at me since her change. Her features as a human were simply too charming to be intimidating when she was angry, even when she was absolutely furious, but since her change... Suffice it to say that if her anger was ever directed solely at me, I would be quite shaken up. It was as if she could strike fear into me with just a glance, at her whim. It was the same way with a lot of things, now that I thought about it. She could make me want her so desperately I would beg on my knees if she wished it, she made me so comfortable I could _almost_ fall asleep, she made me hungry just by looking at her. I frowned inwardly.

_This love thing was controlling me._

I stopped walking mid-stride towards the living room. Did I really just think that? Is that what this was? _Did I love Bella_? I couldn't, it was too soon. Didn't this take longer? And then it occurred to me, I'd never felt so strongly about someone before. I had _loved_ women, yes, but I'd never fallen so quickly before. Every other relationship I'd had with women was slow, gradual. _Because we had time._ This was completely different. Our entire amount of time spent together, including when she was human, only amounted to just over half a dozen weeks. This was ridiculous, unreasonable.

_This was so unlike me._

I fell onto the couch with a heavy plop, running my hand through my messy hair. It was getting longer, shaggier. I dragged both of my palms down my face, rubbing the scruff of hair and sighing out loud.

I was acting irrationally. I couldn't _possibly_ be in love with Bella so soon. No, I decided, I would not let myself act so childishly. I would approach this as an adult, I would let the feelings come on their own. _I would make no presumptions about this._

None.

I stood and pulled off my clothes as I walked towards the bedroom. I couldn't remember why I was heading into the living room anymore, but it occurred to me that I needed a shower. I turned on the hot water and climbed in.

--

**BPOV**

_Fucking Jacob._ How could he not tell me? This was fucking unbelievable. He could dislike Edward all he wanted, pointing out that he'd never been "good enough" for me every single time I had spoken to him. Which wasn't often. I could count on one hand the amount of times I'd been in Jacob's presence, and all of them had been a surprise to me. Not a one of them went without him bringing up Edward. Not a one of them had not ended with me crying myself to sleep that night because _he'd spoken that fucking word._

The one word Charlie never said around me. The one word _no one_ said to me. No one except Jacob. And he'd been telling me that Edward was keeping things from me, that Edward wasn't good enough. Who the fuck was he to talk? Clearly, he'd been keeping things from me just the same.

Fuck the both of them.

I felt to my knees in the sand, the dry sobs wracking my body as I pounded the sand with my tight fists. I had always been grateful for James's stretch of secluded land, hidden from view and human-free, but never as grateful as I was now. I could yell and scream and glitter and punch the sand as much as I wanted.

And I took full advantage.

I was choking on the breath that tried to enter my lungs, wailing as I curled my body downwards, my face just above the sand as my arms held my chest together. I felt that hole again, the one that had been blissfully missing from my life for the past few weeks. I practically felt that part of my chest being torn out slowly, tearing skin and muscle and snapping bone. I was fraying at the edges, I could feel it. _Had everyone been keeping things from me?_

Had Alice seen everything coming? Was that why she'd been so sad whenever she looked at me? Could she have _honestly_ left me alone in Forks, completely unprotected? She had to see Victoria coming for me. Did she see James protecting me? Is that why no one returned to protect me?

Or did they just not care anymore?

With every heave of my torso, every useless breath I took, I felt like I was pouring out acid from my throat. This was not fucking comfortable. I couldn't live my life like this. I couldn't end up on my knees sobbing over _him _randomly for the rest of my existence. I wouldn't do that.

I was better than this. He didn't deserve this kind of blind, stupid dedication from me. He didn't deserve what I gave him, ever. He'd tossed me aside like a used rag doll once he'd gotten bored, once his time in Forks was up. I was nothing more than a toy to occupy his time. I wondered, briefly, how many girls he'd done this very same thing to throughout the years. How many girls, just like me, were left pining him, crying out for him for the rest of their lives? Perhaps he _had _known exactly how charming he had been, perhaps it had all been a show. He never fucking cared about me. I had to understand that, I had to wrap my mind around it.

I had to move on.

I shut my eyes, curling my body tighter into itself, the sobs turning more into a violent retching sound. This was _sickening._ I was being pathetic, I was being unbearably stupid. There was no forgiving this kind of behavior.

I had to stop.

I had to steel myself against this stupid hole in my chest, against the stupid memories of his face. Against _everything_ that could put me in that position again over him. He was no longer a part of my life.

I no longer _wanted_ him to be part of my life.

I needed to change. I _would_ change. This was the end of my pathetic pining. I had someone wonderful waiting for me _at home._ There would be no more of this weak, agonized misery. I wouldn't tolerate it any longer. I felt my muscles tighten slowly as I gained control of myself. I started breathing easier. I straightened up, kneeling in the sand with my arms still wrapped around my chest.

I dropped my arms.

I would no longer acknowledge the hole in my chest. I would no longer let myself get this way over _him_. He was vile. He was controlling and mocking and deliberately cruel. All of these things were clear with his actions as evidence.

And I was done.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** I'm sorry it's so short guys but I've been all distracted today and it was getting angsty and every time I'd go to write a sentence, I ended up rocking out to my music because _that's_ how distracted I am today. :( BUT I TRIED PLS DON'T HATE ME


	30. Chapter 28

**A/N:** Here's another chapter. :D Sorry they've been so.. short and random lately. I think I have a slight case of writers block which sucks because I know what I need to say for the most part, or at least what I need to GET to, but I can't seem to get it down. :( So yeah this is me trying. Don't worry though, the story won't be going on hiatus or anything! :D

Songs for this chapter:

BPOV - **Porcelain and the Tramps** x _Gasoline_

JPOV - **Anberlin** x _Ready Fuels_

* * *

**BPOV**

I locked my jaw tightly, shutting my eyes and focusing all of my attention on banning Edward from my mind permanently. I dug my fingers into the sand at my sides. The anger over everything I'd been going through lately was bubbling up in my chest, frothing and swishing in my ribcage. For the first time in my life, I felt _wild._ I finally understood the biggest difference between vampires and humans. Yes, there was the speed, the thirst, the strength, the sheer power.

But now I understood the danger. The feeling of a wild animal pacing in your ribcage. Where humans had a heart, vampires had a beast growling and snapping and furious in it's place. Or maybe it was just me.

I felt like a caged animal.

I could focus on nothing except for the lean monster that had consumed my chest. The hole in my chest was no longer a concern in the way it had been. It was only a concern in the way that I momentarily wondered if this creature would burst through the opening and leave me here on the beach, empty and lifeless. I narrowed my focus down even more, zeroing in on the feeling in my chest.

That's when I realized it wasn't an animal at all. _I was the animal._ This thing in my chest was something different entirely. And it was beautiful and it licked it's way around the bones of my ribs and it jumped and glowed and _incinerated everything_. I imagined myself pulling this wondrous power from my chest, threading it through my veins until it reached my palm. I imagined pushing it out through my skin with force, bursting through the thin layers of epidermis. The sound of something exploding broke me from my focus and my eyes snapped open. I stood quickly, my eyes darting around everywhere but nothing was to be seen. Even in the light of day, there wasn't a trace of anything except for me.

Then I caught a whiff of something burning. My eyes flew down to my feet and I stumbled backwards at the sight before me. The section of sand I'd been kneeling on was charred. Sand was supposed to heat up and become glass, wasn't it? _How fucking hot did I get that section?_ I looked at my palms, panicked, but nothing seemed amiss judging by my skin. I glanced down at my legs and realized that the comfortable jeans I'd thrown on to go running in were completely burnt. There was nothing left except a few shreds of material here and there, dangling and fried. Luckily, it had only caught the lower sections of my jeans, the burning stopped about mid-thigh.

This was ridiculous. _I had been on fire and not even realized it._

--

**JPOV**

Bella slid open the glass door just as I was setting my guitar back on the stand. She looked beaten, with her burned pants and her tussled hair. I said her name quietly, not wanting to aggrivate her, and her eyes snapped up to me. That's when I was worried. She looked... _wild_, for lack of a better word. Her warm brown eyes were frantic and burning beneath her eyelashes. She stepped towards me and I couldn't help but back up once. I didn't know if she was worse or better from when she'd left. She was completely different.

I'd never seen this side of her before.

Her hand reached out and her fingers grazed my cheek gently. Well, that was something. I let my posture relax a little, sighing into her palm and placing a chaste kiss there. Her hand slid down from my face to my neck and I watched the look in her eyes. Something was terribly amiss here. She wasn't meeting my gaze the way she normally would, instead, she was staring fixedly at my throat. Her hand slid down a bit more, her palm pressing against the front of my shoulder. Then she pushed.

Hard.

And I was pressed against the wall behind me, my shoulder actually feeling a little bit like it might crumple beneath the force of her hand. I managed to croak out her name again, startled and confused, and her eyes flickered up to mine before returning down to my neck. She stepped closer, the weight of her hand never lessening, and then she bit me. Suddenly, I could explain the look in her eyes, the way she moved.

Bella was feeling the thirst for the first time on her own. _Really feeling it._ I relaxed slightly, still pinned violently against the wall, as she sucked on my neck with a sick viciousness that was oddly un-like her. I wasn't going to stop her, she could feed as long as she wanted. That was a perk to my blood. She wouldn't need to drain me. The amount she would even be _physically capable_ of consuming would be less than a quarter of what she would _need _to consume to even subdue the thirst were she drinking from a human.

Finally, she broke away and when her eyes met mine I swear she would have blushed if she could. She dropped her hand and shook her head, lifting her other hand to press against her temple.

"I... I, I'm sorry James. I don't know what just happened."

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, shaking my head and wrapping my arms around her. "Shh. It was the thirst, I know that."

"But I've never felt like that..."

"You've never been thirsty before." At my response, she relaxed. She finally trusted that I wasn't upset or bothered, and she leaned herself into my arms with a sigh. It was time for something less serious, less upsetting. And even though I wanted _nothing_ more than to ask her why her pants were burned off of her body, I knew she needed a break. Bella had had a long day, no one wants to deal with the things she'd been dealing with. "What do you say we watch a movie, baby? Something to take your mind off things." A light nod into my shoulder was all the response I got, so I lifted her off her feet and tossed her to the couch, jumping on her from across the room and smirking down at her.

I tickled her until she threatened to pummel me when I wasn't looking.

--

The movie was long, long enough that by the time it was over I wasn't even worried about Bella's physical state after her clear brush with fire. She was snuggled into my chest, my feet propped up on the table in front of us, her legs stretched out along the length of the couch. She seemed to enjoy the movie, laughing frequently and arguing with the screen when she didn't agree with something one of the characters did. She was absolutely adorable as she popped mini chocolate chip cookies into her mouth and her eyes darted around the screen as she watched all the movements. I brushed some stray hair from her face with my hand, studying her more than watching the movie.

This stunning woman lying against me was _mine_.

In every way. The thought brought a smirk to my face that even I had to admit was irrefutably smug.

She was mine in every way _and she'd liked it._

* * *

**Ending Notes:** Short, again. :( But there's definitely some fluff there at the end and a bit more of Bella's powers. I'm struggling to write so short chapters may be the best I can do until I break this stupid little writers block. Sorry guys, but at least you know I'm really trying! I'll do some writing exercises tomorrow to see if I can get passed this and maybe even post another chapter. Hopefully, even if the chapters are short, I'll get them up more frequently. Sounds fair, right? Sacrifice length for frequency so it evens out in the end. :D


	31. Chapter 29

**BPOV**

The thing I had never planned for about being a vampire was simple, and in truth it was something I should have considered immediately. Being a vampire, without my idealistic dream of having Edward to ogle at the whole time, was incredibly _boring_. So boring, in fact, that I actually picked up a few hobbies I never would have expected.

Like painting.

I made an unreasonable mess whenever I attempted it, but James always laughed at it and hosed down the porch with me. We'd become very much like a married couple, except for the sex. Well, the way some people talk about the rarities of sex during marriage makes me think that maybe we nailed the marriage concept. We'd only had sex once, beneath the ocean, and for some reason it was never talked about. If I had to guess at why James avoided it, I would have to say he felt guilty. He probably thought he'd done some horrible thing and taken advantage of me. I never brought it up because I was insecure and I assumed he wasn't interested in it anymore because I hadn't been good enough. It was more paranoia than actual fact, I knew he had enjoyed himself. It was a matter of convincing myself that he would enjoy it again that was the problem.

With the exception of sexual frustration that overtook my body every single time I looked at him, things were going really smoothly. He soothed my outbursts with ease, never questioning my actions or feelings. If I wanted to go run and scream and throw bombs of fire at defenseless trees, he let me. If I wanted to turn the music up loud enough that it hurt our ears, he let me. If I wanted to drink from him until I wound up laying around feeling lethargic all night, he let me. If I didn't want him to leave the house to go feed from his human, he didn't. Instead, he would stay and I would let him drink from me for a while. Somehow, James always knew when I was struggling. He knew when to let me go running alone, he knew when to come with me, he knew when to hug me and when to smile at me and make me laugh instead.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt understood. Renee had always understood me, at least as far as I could have ever expected anyone to. She knew my moods, sometimes knew what I was thinking, but even Renee never knew what to do for me. She'd ask me a hundred different things and I would choose, but that's not being _known_. Loved, but not known. James knew me. On levels that stunned me on a daily basis. There were things that I couldn't even express that he somehow just _knew_. For instance, I liked red wines on the weekends and white wine during the week. There was no reason, and I hadn't even noticed the pattern, _but he had._ Which was my entire point. James picked up on everything, he knew every subtle nuance there was to know _without me having to open my mouth_. He knew about as much of my human life as I could remember because we would sit on the porch and reminisce. He would tell me funny stories he'd accumulated throughout his life and some small tragedies, things he'd learned and loved and lost and regretted.

It was nice, if I was being honest with myself, to have someone know what your mood was and how to deal with it without having to ask.

We went grocery shopping every Wednesday, Thursdays were our movie days, Saturdays we spent entirely on the beach talking from sun-up until sun-down. Tuesdays were our game nights, which usually involved a lot of talking since we never stopped playing our chess version of 20 questions. Mondays I spent all day painting and every other Monday James paid an instructor to come to the house and teach me. I'd been worried about being so close to a human but I realized that I'd done it before, and on a more grand scale, without even blinking. The club hadn't affected me at all, never did. So I would feed from James every other Sunday night whether I was hungry or not, even though Sunday was one of our only days we didn't spend together. On Sundays he would play guitar and I would try to work things out in my head. We worked on my gifts every Wednesday, since that was the only day we had mostly free during our weekly routine.

I was getting better at painting, even if I still felt like an amateur. It wasn't even just James telling me so, which is why I believed it at all. James had begun hanging his favorites around the house. One in the kitchen was of the beach outside, moving from the porch down to the sand, with the waves barely appearing on the canvas. James said it was his favorite of them all. I smiled every time I looked at it.

My instructor had encouraged me to sketch when I wasn't painting, he'd said it would help me master my strokes. So James had gone out and purchased a Moleskine sketch book for me. I carried it all over the house and whenever we went anywhere. Except when we went dancing. James would eye it suspiciously as I prepared to leave the house and I would grin sheepishly at him and set it on the table as we left. I'd already started on my second one, having had the first for only a month.

I sketched _everything_. Trees, the beach, the ocean, the house, random objects, James, his hands and face and shoulders, the footprints we left in the sand. Everything.

Friday nights James and I would go dancing. We would always drink from each other before we left to keep our thirsts under control. I never had any trouble being around humans, no matter how many there were. James's blood was incalculably quenching.

It was a Friday night and, as usual, I was primping in the bathroom when James tapped lightly on the door. When I didn't protest, he walked in and wrinkled his nose at the hairspray I was about to use. Reaching out, he gently stopped my hand.

"Your hair looks lovely. Don't make it suffer." His smirk lifted up only the left half of his lips.

He was planning something. I knew that look.

Stepping towards me, he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled my back against his chest, resting his chin on my shoulder and burying his nose in my hair. I chuckled lightly and set down the hairspray, twisting my body so that I was facing him even though he kept his grip firm around me. Looking up at him, I tilted my head as if to appear curious.

"What's up?" I kept my voice light, non-accusing. I'd gotten much better at lying since I'd become a vampire, I wasn't prone to random tears if I got upset. I wasn't lying to James, and even if I had he wouldn't believe it, but the ability to control my voice was a large part of being able to lie. He even saw through my light speech.

"Nothing I'm willing to divulge yet." His grin ate his face whole, spreading and consuming and lighting up the already bright bathroom. I laughed warmly at him.

"Uh-huh. Well that's no fair. You're keeping things secret."

"I have a right to a secret or two," he mumbled into my hair, nipping lightly at my throat and causing my breath to hitch. A warm shiver went down my spine and I felt just a _little _bit interested in seeing him naked.

Just a little bit.

He continued nuzzling as I debated the various ways I could convince him to remove his pants. I decided on one, but that would have to wait for later. And there _would _be pants-less-ness later. I would make sure of it.

I was tired of playing games.

* * *

**Ending Notes**: Okay, so to start with, there's no A/N because I figured you guys have waited long enough, you shouldn't have to read a boring A/N just to get to the chapter. :) But, while I have your attention, let me explain that I'm terribly sorry for the lack of updates lately! Originally it was because I couldn't even log in to , which I'm pretty sure everyone had an issue with, and I can't just write up a chapter and wait. I'll forget about it and skip ahead and wonder why you guys aren't following it well lol. So yes, I couldn't just write up 198374978 chapters and save them for when I could post. I'd lose track and alkdjflak yeah.

So here is the chapter, I tried my damnedest to make it longer than the last few but I don't think I did. :( I WILL be posting again soon, very soon. Next day or two soon. Honest. And if I don't, feel free to spam my inbox with complaints, okay? lol Sometimes that's just what I need.

So I listened to **Jack Johnson **for the most part of this chapter. Except for the beginning, which I was listening to **the postal service** x _such great heights _during.

pee ess. I HANDWROTE THIS WHILE COOKING JUST SO I COULD GET IT DONE OK? i tried. :D

Okay, that is it. :D Review?


	32. Chapter 30

**A/N:** Song for this chapter: **death cab for cutie** x _i'll follow you into the dark._

* * *

**BPOV**

The breeze lifted up the tips of my hair and flung it wildly around my face, all the while I had tried tucking it behind my ears to no avail. The rain had started about two hours before and gradually came down with more force the longer it continued. Somehow, James looked magnificent. Even in the rain. His hair, that had been growing steadily over the past few weeks, hung just long enough to begin touching his eyes. His blond hair darkened at the tips, making it almost look as if he'd gone playing in the mud. His green eyes held a light to them, an excitement, that hadn't been there a day ago. There was a putatively immutable upward turn of his lips as we walked, his arm around my shoulders casually and somehow managing to hold the umbrella over me at the same time. The light from the streetlights illuminated his face, adding more light to those enthralling orbs, glinting as if he held some secret.

Which he did.

I still had no idea where we were going.

When I'd left the bathroom I'd discovered a simple outfit lying on the bed for me with a single daisy on top of it. I had chuckled at the gesture before slipping off my robe and pulling on the clothes he'd chosen. I went back into the bathroom to adjust my hair and put on some perfume and found a bottle of his favorite sitting beside the sink, completely removed from the selection I had upon a shelf on the wall, with another daisy. This had elicited a giggle. How he'd gotten in there while I was changing in adjacent room was utterly beyond me. I'd put on some make-up, nothing elaborate - just some eyeliner and mascara and lip gloss, and gone out to the living room to find him. A pair of my most comfortable knee-high boots sat just outside of the bedroom with a third daisy sitting atop them. I'd plopped down on the floor right there to slide them on. I set the three collected daisies on the island in the kitchen and turned the corner to the dance floor.

He was standing on the back porch with his back to me and both of his hands clasped at the base of his spine, holding another daisy. He'd told me I looked lovely, kissed my nose and proceeded to tell me we would be late if we didn't hurry up and get in the cab.

Which is how we managed to get caught in the rain. There was too much traffic for James's taste so he'd paid the driver and we'd hopped out a few blocks shy of our destination.

When we walked into the small little cafe, I understood the jeans and tank top. I'd understood the comfortable boots and the relaxed hair. I'd even understood the perfume that smelled like baby powder. This was not our usual Friday night destination, not by a long shot. The cafe was quaint, decorated with old fifties posters and artwork, with small two-seat tables spread out. A bar with a glass case of deserts and pastries took up the right wall and there was a stage in the far back that could hold no more than two or three guys at a time. A hostess appeared out of nowhere, even manage to appear quickly enough that my vampire speed was taken off guard. That's when I noticed the smell.

This was not a human cafe. In fact, there wasn't a single human in the building. And in a cafe full of vampires, a single human would have had a very distinctive scent. But not one was there. Now, this was new.

Realization dawned on me, we wouldn't have to pretend here. I didn't understand the pastries and desserts, but I'm sure they were props. Unless this was a cafe that only ancients knew about. That was an exciting prospect. I smiled widely at the woman before us, immediately perking up and not worrying so much about this "surprise" James had in store. She was tall, taller than myself by a good six inches, with flowing blond hair and bright blue eyes. She reminded me of Rosalie in her ethereal beauty with her blond hair and plump pink lips, though her face was more gentle and passive. She beamed back at me and grabbed two menus, leading us back to the table closest to the stage. I immediately wondered if this would be okay with James, he usually preferred something more private so we could talk. Talking here would be more difficult, especially once the band got started. Instead of requesting another table, however, James just smiled at the woman and pulled my seat out for me. He kissed the top of my head and seated himself across from me, opening up his menu and scanning it slowly. I imitated him and leaned back casually in my chair, looking over the menu.

I settled on a dry red wine and a croissant. James ordered the same.

When the waitress left, James leaned on the table and stared at me, his expression toning down from the mild amusement he'd had all day to a serious one. I mimicked his posture and perked my eyebrow in question.

"You know it's been six months." His voice was like velvet, but somehow it felt like a chilled breath on wet skin. My entire body shivered.

"Yes, yes it has been."

"And how do you feel about that?" Now I understood why he was so serious. He wanted to know if I was happy. _ What a silly question_, I thought. I reached across the table and took his hand, dropping my eyes to our entwined fingers and letting out a soft sigh. Saying I was happy wouldn't be enough, not for this. James was thinking about Edward, about my father and mother, about my old life. He was wondering if he could compare.

"James," my voice was soft when I finally spoke, I lifted my eyes to meet his somber green ones, "I can say without hesitation that I would rather be here with you for these past six months than be anywhere else." I watched as his eyes lit up and that partial grin appeared again. He was a patient man, so him asking such a question was a very heavy matter. He hadn't pushed me at all, not once, and he wasn't doing so even with that question. But he was opening it up if I felt all right with answering it. If I hadn't, I could have said I felt fine. That was the beauty of James.

He released my hand and stood up, his grin spreading like wild fire. "Bella, I have a surprise for you."

"Isn't this cafe the surprise?" Now he had my attention in a completely different way. What else could he surprise me with? He walked to my side, kissed my cheek and turned towards the stage. One smooth step onto it and the lights dimmed dramatically. Someone handed him his guitar, the one that had been sitting at the house when we left, and a stool appeared on the stage. He seated himself on it gently, adjusting his body so he could position the acoustic guitar in his lap. The soft buzzing of chatter between vampires died down and all attention was diverted to him. I twisted in my chair, eyes wide, and waited for something to happen. He had no microphone, but then again we were all vampires. A microphone in such a small, quiet place would have hurt our ears.

" _Love of mine some day you will die_

_But I'll be close behind_

_I'll follow you into the dark _"

His voice was soft, heavy and deep as he sang. He strummed the guitar lightly in time with the melody of the words.

" _No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_

_Just our hands clasped so tight_

_Waiting for the hint of a spark_

_If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs _"

The lyrics of the song swam around in my head, only sinking in a few seconds after they entered my ears. I was so overwhelmed with the lulling melody of his voice. This was so similar and yet so different from the CD he had made.

" _If there's no one beside you_

_When your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule_

_I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black_

_And I held my tongue as she told me_

_"Son fear is the heart of love"_

_So I never went back_ "

He continued his strumming, his eyes lifting from his moving hands and finally meeting mine. I held back a gasp, the blinding emotion in his eyes threatening to take my breath away.

" _If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs_

_If there's no one beside you_

_When your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_You and me have seen everything to see_

_From Bangkok to Calgary_

_And the soles of your shoes are all worn down_

_The time for sleep is now_

_It's nothing to cry about_

_Cause we'll hold each other soon_

_The blackest of rooms_

_If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs_ "

Even though I couldn't physically tear up, I felt my throat tightening and my lip almost quiver.

" _If there's no one beside you_

_When your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_**Then I'll follow you into the dark**_"

The applause was gentle, but every single vampire in the building was clapping. I stood up slowly from my chair, fighting the urge to fling myself into his arms, as I smirked and took the step up onto the stage. I watched him set down his guitar and stand up, two feet away. I chuckled under my breath and gave in, flinging myself towards him as he wrapped his arms around me and buried his nose in my hair.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** So yeah, still not very long and it isn't even frequent yet, but I think I'm getting there! Know that I'm trying xD! So let me know what you think, yeah? Oh, and the song lyrics are from the song I listened to for this chapter, which was **Death cab for cutie** x _I'll follow you into the dark_.


	33. Chapter 31

_**A/N:** Okay, you guys are going to hate me so much right now and I know that. A few things happened and now I do not have access to a computer with internet. Well, lie. I do not have access to one I can type up chapters on. I really hope you guys can forgive me and not despise this story. :( It may be a little while before I can start posting chapters, but know this, I am writing them. This is not the same kind of lack-of-updates as before. At least this time they are getting written, just not posted yet. There is the library, and I'm hoping to be able to get there a time or two a week but I don't dare make any promises because of how that has gone badly lately. D: I really am sorry guys - and I am in NO WAY giving up on this story. In fact, I have two others in mind as well._

_So this is not a "i'm leaving the story" A/N Fake Out Chapter. This is a "I'm sorry and I'll try to update whenever I am on a computer that will allow it" A/N Fake Out Chapter._

_I know some of you are thinking "well, you're on right now and you're uploading documents, so why not upload a chapter?" The answer to that is that I am on a friend's laptop, updating this quickly. I do not have time to type out a chapter. I have a bunch of stuff to do today and I'm only doing this as I wait for the shower._

_So yeah, okay. That's that. If you guys want to get in touch with me about anything (questions, concerns, whatever) you can email me any time. I do get to check that more frequently than anything else since asking a friend if you can check your email is much easier. You can send me plot ideas or whatever, I'd be glad to know you guys don't hate me. I really hope I don't lose any readers over this but I can only do so much. :( Now I wish I hadn't updated so quickly up until now because now it just makes me feel horrible._

_Anyway. My email is a_nichole_jones[AT]hotmail[DOT]com_

_I really would like to get some emails letting me know how you guys feel about the story and you can vent or whatever about me being so askjflasdf lately. "askjflasdf" representing lameness. :)  
**I had to delete the AN before this chapter because they are not allowed, but I did not want to make you guys think that I'll be around again, because I am still MIA except for random chances like this, all right?**_

**A/N:** Hi! I'm just here typing up the chapter I've handwritten so far. It's long and kind of dry, but it's basically a montage. lol. Anyway, you've all been wonderful and I would just like to get a big THANK YOU out there before I get on with the chapter. I'm trying to think of something to add at the end of this chapter to make it less dry but I'm not sure what I'll come up with. We'll see, and I hope this at least holds you over for now.

**the pierces** x _boring_

* * *

**BPOV**

The vampire cafe quickly became one of my favorite places ever. James and I spent the rest of the night singing along with karaoke and mingling. I think he'd kept this little place secret from me simply so it would make his little show special.

Well, it was.

Everyone ended up rushing into the bathroom to put on sunblock just before dawn so we could all appear to be early coffee-shop goers once the humans got to milling about outside. James and I didn't leave the cafe until mid-afternoon the day after his show.

Throughout the entire night I couldn't help but flash back to the short conversation I'd had with James before his song. I hadn't lied, that was certain, but I hadn't quite understood the magnitude of what I was saying when I spoke. I knew I was happy, with him, and I knew that the idea of going out and dealing with anything else was just ... not appealing. Sometime in the night, I realized that my assurance of not wanting to be _anywhere _else included being _somewhere_ with Edward. I felt a soft pang of loss whenever I thought about him, but it wasn't anything like the inflamed hole in my chest I'd used to feel. While Edward would always be part of something important in my life he no longer held me together, he no longer had that kind of power over me. I enjoyed the rest of the evening exponentially more after that. The whole party was to, in a way, celebrate my happiness. James didn't have to tell me that. He'd put this all together as a way of celebrating my new life without making me feel like everyone there had to know me or pay attention to me. I was not the center of attention for everyone else, although I certainly was with James. The knowledge that the people, or rather, vampires, were all there to support my change and my place, my role with James, was exhilarating. I was welcomed into this life by people I enjoyed being around without any pretending.

When you whittled it all down, the entire purpose of the party was to celebrate my having James in my life.

He, and he alone, was the sole and unequivocal source of my happiness.

Things kind of fell into place a little after that. I noticed more, the little things especially. The quiet way he'd listen to everything I said, the mellow smiles and slow kisses. He always took his time with me, never rushing to get in a kiss or a sentence. When he wanted to kiss me he dropped everything, even going so far as to interrupt a conversation he was having with someone else to press his mouth to mine. Everything seemed kind of obvious then. Not only was James in love with me, but I was beginning to think I was in love with him, too.

With all of my sudden noticing, my sketches became less and less diverse. Eventually, James was in every drawing and I couldn't even mask that he was the focus anymore. Occasionally, I would leave my sketchbook open and unattended to see if he would peak.

Not once. It had been nearly a dozen times that I left my precious book alone and **not once** did he pick it up to catch a glimpse. I frustrated myself by realizing I was getting upset that my boyfriend didn't go leafing through my personal things. Eventually I stopped intentionally leaving it alone. I'd realized how immature it was, and that he probably saw through it. I was playing stupid games and I didn't want to be _that _girl.

When I felt like I'd obsessed enough, I'd force myself to think about something else. The few things important enough to actually distract me were not things I wanted to think aout. Things like Charlie and Renee. Things like moving on from one relationship and diving head first into another. Things like wondering if relationship hopping was healthy.

Sometimes things like Edward.

I'd had many conversations with James about Edward. If you can call them conversations. The easiest way to share my thoughts and feelings and memories with him was to have a session of practice with my powers. I would focus entirely on James, I would narrow down every one of my senses so that nothing existed except him. Then I would narrow down even more, I would focus on his ability to read minds and I would imagine that power as a thin string that connected him to me. I would then focus on my own gifts, imagining that the string was halted halfway towards me by a door.

I would open door and James could see everything.

Edward and I laying in bed and talking for most of the night about everything.

The first time I saw Edward from across the lunch room.

The strange way Rosalie always hated me.

The way Alice bounced around me in excitement whenever the word "shopping" was mentioned.

The way Edward would smile down at me whenever he was next to me.

James never showed a single sign of being bothered by these memories. Not by the strange electricity that my body remembered only from kissing Edward. Not by the desperation that seemed to hang heavily in every memory of him. He never once got upset with me when I would dry sob for hours after we would do this.

I had tried to start at the beginning. Gradually we progressed. I usually couldn't go more than five memories in before I'd start my choking and whimpering or becoming absolutely furious. It was a slow progression.

Eventually the memories became a little more tainted. He saw the change in Edward after I was attacked. He saw the way I tried to give Edward space in hopes of him coming around. He saw our conversation in the woods. He saw my breakdown. He saw Jacob at my birthday party. He saw the way my dad tried to understand why I was so broken. He saw the way I lost my will to do anything.

He saw Victoria, he saw himself. He could feel the strange way my heart lifted when I'd seen him. James could see and hear and feel and taste everything I remembered, even if my memories were fuzzy human ones. Maybe I was unusual in my ability to remember my human memories, but I could remember _everything._ Every single day of my life was there for immediate recollection, though it was a little fuzzy, but how many people can remember being born?

I could, but only once James showed me how to travel along the memory path in my head. I was slowly mastering my gifts. I would usually practice with fire by myself when the memories only infuriated me. I didn't want to miss and hurt James, even though he insisted that he wasn't worried.

James always seemed to know what I needed to try in order to control my gifts. He had that knack. I still didn't quite get how that worked but he always seemed reluctant to talk about it, so I always let it go.

--

Days passed, some in quick bursts and others in endless lulls. James and I spent mroe time in the little cafe and as a result, I began to form friendships with the people there. One in particular was quickly becoming someone I adored. Jocelyn was a redhead with large hazel eyes and pouty lips. She had no freckles, which I heard was odd for redheads. She and I had grown closer over the past few weeks and she visited James and I at the house a few times a week. She was a photographer and she said she could not get enough of James. Photographing him had become an obsession with her. If I didn't truly know her intentions were pure, I'd have been a little irked. Not jealous, though, simply because even jealousy couldn't blind me to how thoroughly oblivious James was to Jocelyn entirely. Jocelyn would somehow talk both of us into putting on the outfits she picked out and letting her put us in strange set-ups for her photographs. I'd like to say I did it because it would 'help' her as a photographer, but Jocelyn had been into photography since the mid 1830's when cameras were created. It had to be her persuasive skills, which were much like Alice's if I were honest.

Every day I thought about Edward, usually it was a passing thought - something that took just long enough to tug at my heart strings before vanishing. But every day I would watch the sun come up next to James and every day he would smile at me in his way and every day he made me feel important and necessary and precious and interesting. Every day James became more real than Edward. Every day, my heart strings were pulled less and less firmly.

While it could seem very much like James and I got along perfectly and our relationship was flawless, it was really nothing like that. My 'blissful' relationship with Edward did nothing to prepare me for the relationship I had with James. We fought all the time.

And I do mean all the time.

James was as stubborn as I was and even with his ability to read my mind things weren't easier. Why? Usually I would get so damn frustrated with the situation that I wouldn't even let him read my thoughts. Just because I'm stubborn too.

I hated the way he seemed to refuse to give me any opinion on something he thought was 'my choice.' He told me once, and only once, that it was because he had no desire to dictate my life. I thought I'd heard him mention Edward but I couldn't really tell because I'd been so furious that my ears were buzzing. I'm pretty sure he did, though, and that was the reason he never mentioned it again. James bit his tongue a lot and I didn't have to be a psychic to tell. That also pissed me off.

Some days I'd become irritated that he didn't try to seduce me but I'd never really tell him about it. My inability to articulate how I felt about sex not only held me back from talking to him, but it held me back from just making a move myself. Even on my confident days, no matter how many times I 'decided' to go for it I always chickened out with some lame excuse or another.

We fought about really stupid things the most, though. Things that made no sense and I had no reason to be upset over except that I was being irrationally moody that day. But James always stuck around. He never left the house after that first fight we had. He seemed to understand that it didn't help any to leave. He also seemed to understand when "I don't want to talk about it" meant what it said or meant "try asking nicer and with chocolate."

When everything was said and done, James and I always watched the sunrise together and we never did it angry. I'd had the belief in my human life that going to bed angry was unhealthy and, though vampires don't sleep, it had transferred into this life. Rather than sleeping, James and I would watch the sunrise as a way of quiet bonding. We never spoke, we just sat on the beach and held each other until our skin was glittering wildly. It was moments like that that held my world together.

* * *

**Ending Notes:** Just so you all know, that was nine pages handwritten. And I write small. Really small. I did end up cutting at least 2 full pages out because it was particularly dry and uninteresting. But here you go. :)


	34. Damnit

Okay, sorry guys. I deleted the ANs and it screwed up the "chapter update" link. =/ Anyway, I'm making this so you guys know that I DID update, just go back one 'chapter' and DO NOT review/reply/whatever here. I'll delete this the next time I update BEFORE i update lol. if you reply here you wont be able to comment when i do update again.

so if it won't let you review the new chapter, just PM me. :) I love them.


	35. Chapter 32

BPOV

I dragged the pencil along the paper, curving my lines to my liking before lifting it and holding it between my teeth. With my pinky finger, I smudged select parts of the sketch to shade it. I itched my nose. I could smell the charcoal suddenly, even after I moved my finger away. I kept working. I lifted my eyes and studied the seagull that stood a few feet away, staring out at the ocean in a curiously puzzled way. I'd never thought seagulls were thoughtful creatures.

I grabbed a different charcoal pencil, one with a smaller point, and began adding the details of the sand around it's feet. I heard James approach, the quiet rustling of sinking sand beneath his feet was the only clue. He wasn't trying to surprise me. He stopped a few feet away and I didn't bother looking up. He'd probably come out to see what I was doing and didn't want to disturb the bird.

Good man.

I added some detail work on the feathers, my eyes darting up from the paper every half second or so as I worked. I saw a wave begin to build and I switched pencils again, grabbing a gray pastel one instead. I slid the small charcoal one behind my right ear. There were a selection of them stuck in my hair, another one behind my left ear. I still had the first one in my mouth.

I drew the wave as it crashed down on the sand, the sparkling water swirling around the seagulls feet before it pulled itself back into the ocean again. The seagull looked toward me and met my eyes for the shortest of moments. Then it took off in flight, it's wings beating steadily until it was hovering over the withdrawing waves a few yards away. I smirked to myself, finding humor in the bird's timing. I'd finished his section of the sketch.

"Bella." I'd heard the intake of breath before my name, but the quietness of his voice confused me.

"Yes?"

"We need to talk." I felt a sudden ball of anxiety drop into my stomach and explode in waves of nervous energy and anticipation.

"All right." I set my notebook down on my leather laptop case. I didn't want to unzip it to put it away, every part of me just wanted to get on with the conversation. It couldn't be good.

I hated the phrase "we need to talk." Maybe because of Edward, maybe because it was common knowledge that it preceded negative conversations.

"I just received news."

No one had called, I knew that. There were no letters, no emails. I knew that phrase, too. It was his way of talking about his gift. Over the past two years, I'd figured it out. James was... brilliant. Genius didn't cover it. Everything that could be known, he knew. Anything. Everything. Any bit of information he wanted, all he had to do was think about it and he knew it.

Chemical engineering? Thirty seconds worth of concentration and he would be better than people who had studied it their entire lives. Astrophysics? Fifteen seconds.

And he was never wrong.

When I'd realized this, my first thought had been "And the Cullens thought Alice was a good bet."

I'd begun wondering if James was a god somehow, tossed down into the sort-of-mortal-realm of the world and had somehow forgotten his origins. I could ask, he could think about it. I'd have an answer, but it seemed like if he had forgotten, why remind him? James didn't forget things, so anything he may have forgotten seemed like it would be intentional.

"News about what?" I whispered, not because anyone in the world could hear us, but because my throat was closing up in fear.  
"Charlie."

I imagined my heart would have stopped. "What's wrong? Is he okay?" I jumped to my feet and scrambled towards James. He grabbed my shoulders and I met his eyes. The pain in his eyes sent me to my knees; my mind was reeling with worst-case scenarios. "Oh, God, no! James, no! He can't be dead!"

"Oh, Bella, please. Please, calm down." He sank to his knees beside me, his hands rubbing warm circles on my back. I began hyperventilating.

"What happened! What's going on?"

"He is having a heart attack."

My mind raced. "Is he going to survive it?"

"No."

Everything suddenly made sense. Of course James would know. He didn't need to be precognitive, he merely had to keep a single thought of Charlie in his mind in order to keep tabs on him. James would know what Charlie was doing less than a second after Charlie was doing it.

James was giving me the opportunity to save Charlie.

My thoughts spun madly, rushing around in my head at a speed only a vampire was truly capable of. Pros, cons, dos, don'ts. Every consequence and process and possible outcome.

I was standing before I realized my legs had moved. James was beside me. He watched my face carefully; a habit I always found strange because he could know what I was thinking or feeling any time he wanted - but he chose to do it the hard way. I began running.

My feet hit the sand hard at first, almost human-like; but within a second and a half, my feet barely touched the ground. I sped along the sand, through the city, over mountains and ducked around trees. I didn't need to hear him to know that James was behind me, hot on my tail at a speed that matched my own.

"Faster," he said. And I obeyed. I reached up and grabbed a tree branch, yanking myself up onto it until I was at the very top. My speed propelled me forward and I lunged myself violently off a thick tree branch.

I soared over hundreds of trees and landed on my feet outside of the forest. No longer having to dodge trees would shave off two to three seconds of the trip.

I ran until Forks was a whirling blur around me. I threw myself through my bedroom window, the shattering glass exploding around me and all over the floor. I sniffed the air as I moved. Charlie was downstairs.

I lept over the banister and almost instantly he was in my arms, I was gently (very gently) slapping his face to get him to open his eyes. His breathing was shallow, his heartbeat was worse.

"Dad! Look at me!"

His eyes snapped open and I watched the shock pass through his eyes. It was short lived, which surprised me. Acceptance was clear on his face.

Charlie thought he was dead.

"Dad." My throat was closing, tightening and restricting my breathing. "Explain it to him, James! Tell him what he needs to hear to understand." I was dry sobbing now, my throat was sore and my chest hurt. James leaned down so Charlie could see his face. Recognition clouded his acceptance, he was wondering what killed the gentle man behind me.

"Charlie, she offers you a terrible chance. You can continue to be, or you cannot. You will never live again, Charlie, but your daughter offers you an existence with her if you choose it."

The few seconds Charlie considered the offer were the most painful seconds of my life. I watched his skin pale, his eyes darken. I could smell the beginnings of decay in his veins. I choked on my tearless weeping.

Charlie's hand reached up to cup my face and I could see the pain it caused him. "Bella, Bella, Bella. I have been dead a long time." His voice was nothing except a grating whisper, I could hear the pain it caused him. "I have been waiting for this; I am grateful to have gotten to see you again."

James' hand was on my shoulder, he was attempting to offer comfort. I cried harder.

"Dad, no. Please don't do this to me!"

The hypocrisy of my words hit me with such force that the sobbing noise coming from my mouth was more of a scream.

"Shh, Bella." Pain tore across his face and I lifted him against me, hugging him weakly in fear of hurting him further. I continued to sob, burying my face into his neck. "I am ready for this, Bella. Do not mourn an old man finally getting his wish."

Five minutes later I was clinging to the corpse of my father and James had his arms wrapped around both myself and Charlie's body. He was rocking me, humming gently and making soft shushing noises into my hair as I wept.

I cried for days. It was a full three years before Charlie's face stopped haunting my every thought. I never stopped thinking about him, never stopped missing him in my own way. I began cooking dinner every night, as I had when I lived with Charlie, and James understood the habit. He never complained when I made Fish Fry every Saturday, even though even I would admit it got a little old. It was the only way I felt I could remember Charlie fairly, it became a sort of holiday for me. When I was feeling particularly depressed, James would take me out on a small fishing boat he purchased and we would fish all day on Saturday in memory of Charlie.

Those nights he would make the Fish Fry and he would turn on the Sports Channel and we would pretend Charlie was with us.

I never would have gotten through it if it weren't for James. The knowledge comforted me as much as it terrified me.

-------------------------------------

The stars cluttered the midnight sky and showered faintly glowing light down onto the beach and the dark ocean, illuminating the stillness in an almost eerie way. Eerie didn't really mean the same to me, anymore. There was music playing from the stereo in the house, soft and mellow and lulling our guests into a peaceful, relaxed state. The party had died down quite a bit, most of our friends had either split or were talking quietly in pairs of two and three down by the water. James walked up behind me and slid his arms around my waist. The smell of him assaulted my nose and instantly I felt myself nuzzling into his cheek. I smirked, realizing how natural everything between us had become.

Time passed slowly in our house. Routine was everything. I'd recently proposed the idea of changing routine simply to shake things up. He had chuckled and shrugged, kissing my forehead and telling me I could do whatever I wanted.

That was the first time I'd jumped his bones; nearly eight years ago now. He had teased me mercilessly afterward, picking on my literal translation of his statement. After that, everything had changed. James and I would spend hours in the bedroom together at least a few days a week; exploring and touching and tasting and drinking. He was usually a very gentle creature, in bed or otherwise, but occasionally I could draw out the animal in him. Usually if I wore lots of red.

Which I did whenever I thought I could get away with it. He had a tendency to make fun of me if I was too transparent about things.

"What are you thinking?" His voice felt like velvet on my skin, the heat of his breath shielding a few inches of my shoulder from the cool breeze of the ocean.

"You. Naked." I'd become quite confident. And crude. His laughter rumbled in his chest, vibrating softly against my spine. "I don't know why you bother asking."

"Because to find out the other way is rude." He rubbed his nose against my neck. Now it was my turn to laugh.

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh?"

"I'm always thinking about you naked." His laugh was nearly a roar this time and the smirk on my lips was impossible to disguise. He kissed my cheek.

"You looked solemn; I'm not sure I want thoughts of my nudity to make you look solemn."

"I was thinking of our routine, if you must know."

"I must. What about it?"

I sighed lightly to myself. "It's been almost ten years since I've been changed. I feel like there's so much more that I should be doing."

James was silent for a long time. We'd had similar discussions before. They were the reason I had four college degress. But even college courses weren't enough anymore. I was restless.

* * *

HI! :)

I know it's been a horrendously long time since I've updated, and for that I am deeply sorry. But you guys have been wonderful and patient and I couldn't possibly be more grateful for that! I wanted to make an update, I've been thinking about it for a few days now and this was my first real chance to do so. I am HOPING (probably just like you guys) that I can do it more and I really am trying but I can't make too many promises.

I may invest in a wireless card for my desktop computer soon, so let's keep our fingers crossed on that! Until then, though, I'm still borrowing someone else's laptop and it's difficult to be able to use it long enough to do this.

I know I said I was writing the chapters up (and trust me, I did) but the longer I waited, the less I liked them. I scrapped them all and decided to go in a slightly different direction with the story. But don't worry, it's still got the same basic outline (not that you guys know what that is! lol).

Just a reminder, though: _this was primarily an edward and bella story_. James has a huge role and he has become very integral to it and I am kind of wondering if the ending I had in mind is what I want anymore, but in case I keep going with it I just want to make that point again in case anyone has forgotten. I know it's been a while, lol.

Anyway, that's all for now and I hope to update soon!! :D I miss getting your feedback, so please feel free to PM me and/or review! Thanks for being so patient!! 3


	36. Chapter 33

BPOV

I sat in the deep cushions of the couch that had been delivered the day before. I debated making some dinner but I wasn't sure what I wanted. The urge to search for James was suddenly overwhelming.

It had only been a week. Why was I so desperate to see him? This had been what I'd wanted, right? I had packed and hopped a plane and now here I was, sitting in my living room and wishing I was home.

Home. I was home. Why did it not feel like it? I missed the roaring of the waves. Even though I could see the ocean from my window I couldn't hear it, I couldn't walk outside and be on the warm sand with the taste of the salty air on my tongue. I turned to look out the window and the brilliant blue of the water shadowed by the deepness of the night sky made everything feel even less real. I groaned to myself and buried my face in my hands.

_"I just need to go somewhere, James. I need to make sure that I can survive without you." My voice cracked. I watched his eyes shift from mine to the sand. The frown on his face seemed to threaten to never leave and I wanted to kiss it away._

_This is why I need to leave, I'd thought to myself. We're too much a part of each other. I felt the bitter pang of loss echo in my chest like a gong that had been hit somewhere off in the distance. The memory of losing Edward still had weight in my decisions, even though I knew it shouldn't. Edward didn't deserve to impact me that way. I was terrified of becoming so desperately needful of James that if something were to go wrong I wouldn't be able to survive alone._

_That was simply unacceptable._

_I was restless and afraid and it was ruining my life._

_James took a long, steady breath and looked up at me. His green eyes showed to me everything that was inside of him, all of his concern and fear and devotion. I could feel myself losing determination, a fraction of it at a time. My throat began to constrict. Why was I such a child?_

_He reached a hand out and ran a finger along my cheek. "I'll miss you."_

Silence filled my house. There was no gentle strumming of guitars, no random shuffling from the kitchen. James was nowhere to be found here and I felt empty. The hole in my chest that Edward had left was nothing compared to this. A complete loss of existence trumped a gaping wound any day. My limbs felt heavy and light at the same time, as if all of my bones had been sucked out of my body and all that remained was flesh and muscle and veins swinging around limply.

I had to remind myself that I was the one to walk away. I'd been the one to leave. I took calm, steadying breaths and stood up. I slid on a pair of flip flops and opened the front door.

Greece was a lovely city and I was determined to enjoy it. If I caved and went home to James tomorrow, at least I could say I gave the city a chance. I began wandering aimlessly through the streets and alleyways, smiling meekly at the locals when they would glance at me. Everyone smiled back, though some of them seemed strained and uncomfortable. At least they tried.

I turned a corner and a sudden flash of bronze locks in the moonlight startled me. I caught my breath and froze.

It couldn't be.

I waited for what seemed like an endless second. Before I could think, I spoke in a strong, even voice. "Edward Cullen?" I couldn't see the bronze hair anymore but I knew it didn't matter, if he was within two miles of me he would be able to hear me. He would know he was being addressed. I heard a rustling of paper sacks.

Edward peered around the corner of a house no more than ten feet away, looking curious and holding some brown paper bags in his arms. His butterscotch eyes scanned the area for whomever had been addressing him and when his eyes met mine the bags fell to the ground. I stood still, standing upright with my eyes deliberately meeting his. I felt a rush surge through my veins like white-hot electricity, threatening to burn me from the inside out. I could taste my power on my tongue.

Practice truly had made perfect, I realized. It had taken ten years, but I knew for a fact that I wasn't seeping an ounce of power from my body. I drew no adoring fans, I tossed no surprise fireballs, I shut down no power unintentionally. I could feel each gift tingling inside of me, calling to me, begging me to release them and show this _boy_ what pain was. I stuffed my hands into my pockets in the hopes of reigning in the urge to throw a lightning-quick streak of flame at his throat.

"Bella." His voice was soft, a delicate whisper plucked from the wind. He stepped forward. I made no movement. "You're - you're changed."

"Clever observation." My voice felt like stone in my mouth, dirty and hard and uncomfortable on my tongue.

"I can't believe you're here." His eyes were scanning me quickly, taking in everything, his expression a delightful mixture of panic and curiosity.

I didn't even have to try to make him want me.

"I was not expecting to see you, either."

"You should... come with me. The others would be glad to see you."

A swell of bitterness rose up within me, building and growing and moving like a tidal wave before it finally crashed into my ribcage; I felt it rise like water in my lungs until I could taste it in the back of my throat, acid and blood and burning right through my lips. "I wouldn't be _inconveniencing_ you, would I?"

Edward opened his mouth to argue but a realization seemed to dawn on him and he snapped his mouth closed. He studied me for a moment and shook his head, "Not at all, Bella. The invitation was genuine."

And so I went. Perhaps it was the draw of seeing Alice again, or perhaps I felt like the reassuring touch of Esme's soft hand on my shoulder would ease the longing in my chest for _home_. I battled with the knowledge that they had all left, that it hadn't been just Edward to abandon me, as we walked in silence down the quiet, dark streets.

I could feel Edward's tension beside me, his muscles tightening up the longer the silence went on. What was I supposed to say to him? _It's okay that you broke my heart, I'm over it now_ or _you're the biggest, lousiest creep I've ever had the misfortune to meet_?

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Wasn't that a common motto for mothers to preach to their children? I supposed silence was the best I could offer him.

It was only a few short blocks to the house Edward said they were staying in. I was wondering how they were living in Greece when the weather was not grey and rainy all the time, but I wasn't quite ready to speak to him. We climbed the steps and he unlocked the front door and set the paper bags on a small table to his left.

"Alice, I brought -" He'd started.

"A guest, and my scrapbooking things. Yes, I know." Alice made her way into the entry room and froze. The little pixie hadn't changed a bit, but the excitement I had half-hoped would be all over her face was missing. She looked stricken, as if I'd cut off Jasper's head in front of her.

"Alice," I said, the curt greeting feeling cold even to me. "Edward and I ran into each other on the street."

"Bella, it's so good to see you!" Esme floated into the entry room and wrapped her arms around me in a welcoming hug. I allowed myself to hug her back, to feel someone else's body pressed against mine. Someone who wanted it there.

I missed James terribly.

"It is nice to see you also, Esme," I practically purred into her hair. I felt her smile and she stepped away, holding me at arms length to inspect me.

"Being a vampire suits you, Bella, you look stunning. Every bit the lovely creature I always expected you would be." She was beaming at me and I truly believed she was thrilled to see me. Always the mother.

I offered her a genuine smile and turned my attention back to Alice as Jasper stepped in and set a hand upon her shoulder. "Hello, Jasper." I watched his expression steel as I spoke to him, regret and sorrow heavy in his eyes.

"Evening, Bella. It is nice to see you again."

"How about we all stop saying that, yes? It is clear that is not the case for the most part." I was tired, tired of the chirade, tired of being lonely. I was tired of all of this bullshit. I had put Edward behind me a long time ago and I wasn't about to let old issues arise. "I should probably be going, anyway. I have some things to do." _Like book a flight home._

"Please, don't go yet." Edward's voice sounded small and I'd nearly forgotten he was only two feet away from me. He looked forlorn, desperation clear in his eyes. I considered his request. "It has been too long, Bella, I would like to talk to you."

I frowned at him but let out a heavy sigh and nodded. It was going to be a long night. "Where are the others?"

"Carlisle is at the hospital, he works night shift." Esme said, her voice bright and cheerful. "Rose and Emmett have gone off together for a while, they thought time alone would be nice."

Esme reached out to me and lead me into the living room where we sat down on the couch and waited for the others to follow. She asked me questions about my life, mostly what I was doing these days and how I liked being a vampire. No one asked the hard questions, Alice never said a word.

Eventually, Edward had glared at Esme long enough that she stood and stretched and said she thought she would go take a walk for some fresh air. Alice and Jasper leaped up and followed her, Jasper offering me a polite nod as he escorted Alice out of the room.

Then there were two.

"You look fantastic, Bella. I never thought you could be more beautiful, but..." Edward had gained some of his voice back, the shock was wearing off.

"No, Edward. I really do not want to hear flattery." I turned and addressed him, meeting his warm gaze with mine. He studied me for a long moment.

"Your eyes are still brown."

"Yes."

"How?" His curiosity was clearly piqued.

"It is a long story."

"I have all night." He scooted forward on the couch across from me, leaning in as if to hear me better.

"I don't." I was firm in my decision not to stay here too long. I didn't need this.

"Please don't be cold, Bella. It has been so long and I," he paused as if he were debating the threat his next words might bring unto him, "I've missed you."

"I see. Did you even know I was alive, Edward? Did you come to my funeral? Have you tried to seek me out to be sure of my safety?"

Here it was, the fight that had been bubbling just beneath our encounter.

"Bella, I assumed you were around that dog. What was his name? Jake?"

"I saw Jake only once."

"Oh."

There was the silence again.

"I hated you for almost ten years." I was speaking without thinking. This could end badly. His expression was neutral, unyielding to any emotion or giveaway.

"I still hate myself," he was using his quiet voice again. Was he attempting to portray shame?

It wasn't working.

"I don't know what you expect of this talk, Edward, but I am unsure it has any benefits."

"You've become quite eloquent since I've seen you last, did you know that?"

I shrugged. It seemed unimportant. He spoke again.

"I want to apologize for the way things ended. I was afraid for you, I was afraid of what I would do to you. I didn't want to make you this way." His hand gestured at me vaguely and I was beginning to feel the anger coil in my shoulder blades.

"Making me this way could have saved my life, Edward."

"It would have taken it!"

I rose from my seat and glowered down at him. "I am going outside for a cigarette." I turned and walked towards the door, yanking it open and pulling out my little metal tin of cigarettes from my back pocket. I heard Edward shut the door behind him as I set the filtered end of a menthol between my lips.

"Do you need a lighter?"

My eyes darted up at him in surprise. I hadn't thought this out. I hadn't expected him to follow me. I didn't carry lighters.

Why would I?

I had three options. I could just light my cigarette myself and expose my power, I could accept his offer of a lighter or I could simply change my mind about the cigarette.

I wanted the cigarette.

I didn't want his fucking help.

I snapped my fingers, the little lick of flame sprouting and dancing between them. I lit my cigarette and blew the smoke out from my lungs forcefully.

"Oh, well then."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, fine."

And for the first time since I'd known him, Edward dropped a topic of conversation he clearly wanted to know about.

* * *

Hello everyone. :)

I found a few spare moments to do this today, so I hope this pleases you. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reviewed, it meant a lot to see that so many people were still reading!

I have made a decision about the storyline, and I can say that I do not need to change the Character Category listing. That should be all you need to know. ;) I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please feel free to review or PM me!


	37. Chapter 34

**EPOV**

_bite my tongue_ x **relient k**

We sat on the small stoop to the house, silence stretching between us as if all these years weren't enough to separate us. Her hair was long, curling and twisting it's way down her neck and back; I was surprised to see some of it tucked beneath her as she sat down. The colors of her were vibrant; her eyes a deeper and more honey-tinted brown than I remembered them being, her hair had lost the soft red hues and had gained ones that matched the hues of her eyes. Her lips were a plump blush and her skin, though pale, had a glow to it that I had never seen before.

Perhaps I was just over-analyzing everything; it had been more than a decade since I'd laid eyes on her last. She was stunning and it was hard to rip my gaze off of her. She had her cigarette resting between her lips, hanging there as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and she was leaning back on her palms to look up at the sky. She exhaled puffs of smoke from her nose and it billowed out around her, tainting the smooth swirls of smoke from the burning end of her cigarette. Silence suited her, I noted, it gave her a sense of mystery that had me captivated. The silence of her mind as a human had always been fascinating; but looking at her now, seeing this unbearably gorgeous creature, and not hearing a word or a thought or a heartbeat... Something about it broke my heart.

"So who changed you?" The question slipped out of my mouth, and I honestly hadn't even really thought about asking. The curiosity was there, granted, but it seemed dangerous to bring up things in such a settled quiet. She didn't make a single move, she didn't blink or breathe or glance at me. It was disturbing how in control of herself she seemed to be these days.

"James." Her voice was even, untouched my emotion until the very end of his name. Something changed, there was a pain behind her voice that would have gone unnoticed by anyone else. Anyone except me.

I knew my girl.

"What happened?" It was a simple question, I thought at least. She turned her eyes to me as if she were surprised and I wondered why. It was a normal question, correct? Was I insane?

"I came here."

"Why?"

She narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously. I perked my right brow at her, truly at a loss about her distrust. As far as I knew, the conversation was progressing naturally.

"Because of you, actually."

"Me?" That was unexpected.

"Yes."

"What did I have to do with it?"

* * *

**BPOV**

_a fine frenzy_ x **whisper**

"What did I have to do with it?" I suppose it was a simple question, perhaps even warranted. I had conceded that it had something to do with him, logically that gave him a right to ask.

But it hurt.

"You left me when I was convinced I couldn't live without you. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't want to spend another ten years getting over someone if I can somehow prepare myself for it now. I left because I was growing too..." I couldn't think of the word; it was there, on the tip of my tongue, but it seemed like it was a different language. "Attached." I sighed inwardly, this was not a conversation I felt like having.

"So you were together?" I heard the misery in his voice and, frankly, I didn't care. I'd been in pain before and he hadn't been sympathetic. A little reality would do him some good.

"For the past ten years."

"Wow." It was an automatic response, breathy and shocked. I could practically hear him wondering if our time together had meant anything in comparison.

I was beginning to question that too. I'd thought it hadn't.

--

It was my ninth day in Greece and I was sitting at a small table in a midnight cafe. I hadn't thought they existed but Edward had brought me here. I assumed it was meant as a surprise, something to bring me joy. I wasn't that impressed. It was quiant, which was nice, but the whole "bring a girl to a small cafe" thing had been done already.

I ordered a BLT sandwich and a glass of water. When the waitress brought it back and I began eating it, Edward stared at me as if I'd sprouted two heads. He held his glass of soda in his hand, though he never drank out of it, as a way to appear normal. The BLT was delicious.

The conversation was minimal during our small outing, I wasn't fond of talking about things in public. You never knew who could be listening, and that bothered me. Once I finished eating, Edward and I swapped drinks. I sipped his for a while to make it appear that both of them had been enjoyed. Edward tricked the waitress into letting him pay for the whole bill and I shot daggers at him with my eyes.

This was not a date.

We left the small cafe and went for a walk through town, heading down towards the pier until we sat with our feet dangling over the water. It wasn't home, but the water soothed me slightly. The tension had almost disappeared between Edward and I; while there was still something of an unresolved relationship left, we were on friendly terms. We joked casually back and forth about things but it was hard to start topics of any real depth.

As we stared out at the water, sprinkled with the reflections of the stars, I found myself thinking about Alice and the strange reaction she'd had to me. I desperately wanted to know.

"So why has Alice been giving me the cold shoulder?"

"She thought you were dead when she stopped being able to see you."

"So she's treating me like I'm dead."

"She's struggling."

"She has trouble dealing with things she can't see coming, doesn't she?"

Edward rolled his shoulders and frowned, "I suppose you could call it that. Yeah." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, a soft smile replacing the frown. "She'll get passed it, just give her some time."

We let the quiet envelope us again, just listening to the gentle movement of the water and the subtle hum of the city behind us. Some restless part of me calmed and settled and I wasn't sure why. The thought that maybe Edward had been what I was missing, what I'd left to find was floating around in my head for the past few days. It was hard to ignore.

What was harder was my desperate desire to go home.

"I'm leaving soon," I said. He turned to look at me again, his face a mask of casual interest.

"Going home to James?"

I shrugged casually, not opening my mouth to confirm his question. It wasn't that I was unsure of where I was going, something just felt wrong about answering.

His voice interrupted my personal gibberish, soft and melodic and threatening to reopen my chest for his curious hands to wiggle around in. "Bella?"

I turned my face to him, expecting him to tell me what he wanted to say once I acknowledged him.

* * *

**EPOV**

_borrowed time_ x **a fine frenzy**

I'd intended to ask her if she loved him, intended to break my own heart one more time. I'd hoped it would help me walk away. I hoped it would help me let go.

She didn't need me pulling her back into a life she'd let go of. I wanted her happy, if he made her happy I would bow out.

Right?

Her eyes lifted and met mine. I had a sensation of falling into something I would never get out of, an endless pit of effort and failure. I leaned forward unconsciously, inch by inch until her sweet breath was on my face. Instinctively, I pressed my lips against hers firmly. I felt my lower body scoot closer, every inch craving a nearer proximity to her. My hands went up and tangled in her hair at the base of her neck, I pulled her forward, closer to me and harder against my lips. She didn't fight me and the surprise of that knowledge propelled me further.

The momentum was building and I had the terrifying thought that it would destroy us both.

* * *

So I know this one is significantly shorter, but it was sort of difficult to write. It's also the second update today so I may just be getting burned out on words lol.

Review or PM, whatev :)


	38. Chapter 35

**EPOV  
**the Juliana theory x _we make the road by walking_

The taste of her lips trampled my senses, my entire body was more highly aware of her presence than it was of its own. She leaned forward, turning her head slightly and parting her lips. I invaded her mouth, twisting my body so I was gradually lowering her to lie on the wooden dock and leaning over her. The past ten years of being apart from her was gone, there had never been a moment our bodies were not pressed against the others; every cell of my body felt as if it was melding with hers, breaking down and rebuilding around her. Her scent was all over me, surrounding me and suffocating me into blissful mindlessness. Bella pushed her palms against my chest and moved them upwards, her skin dragging on my shirt and rubbing the skin beneath; she moved her fingers to wrap around my neck and knot themselves into my hair. I could hear her breathing get heavy, labored and hot; every exhale rushing across my face and pulling me further into her mouth. I tore my lips from hers to focus on her jaw line, then beneath her ear, then down her throat and over her collarbone. My nerves were on high alert, my conscious thought was left somewhere around the base of her neck. She whispered my name in my ear and turned my face towards hers. Our eyes met and I watched realization dawn on her in one swift, sudden thought.

"Get off of me." _God_, I groaned to myself, _please don't mean that._ But I rolled off of her and sat back in the spot I had been before our incident. There was a long moment that passed before either of us said anything, and then her quiet voice broke through the empty air. "I'm sorry."  
I turned my attention to her and cocked my eyebrow, "what for?"  
"I… that was probably my doing." She seemed shy for moment before she locked her teeth together and met my eyes, "I have a gift and it frequently… disrupts the natural way of things."  
"Disrupts the natural way how?"  
"I produce pheromones; that's the easiest way for me to explain it." I was struck speechless for a moment; the image of Bella wandering the hallways of Forks High School with a less intense version of this power began roaming through my mind. As far as I understood it, most powers brought out by vampire venom were only heightened, advanced as far as necessary for them to be of use to a vampire. These gifts were there initially, only advanced enough for human use. The strange ability she had always possessed to accumulate devoted followers of the opposite sex was suddenly well explained. I laughed suddenly and shortly, sounding much like I would expect a "bark of laughter" to sound.

of Montréal x _disconnect the dots_

Bella scowled at me and I shook my head at her. While I had been thoroughly intoxicated by her, it had been no different than it had the first time I ever kissed her. _Well, _I corrected,_ without the overwhelming need to suck her dry._ I smiled my crooked smile at her and attempted to explain. "I do not think you were using your pheromones on me, Bella. I've always responded to you that way." She studied me for a moment; not sure if she trusted my judgment, I assumed. Silence had become a large part of our time together and I was beginning to wonder why that was. I knew there were leagues of information she wasn't telling me but I wasn't sure how to ask, or what. Perhaps it was time.

"So what aren't you telling me?"

--

**JPOV**  
anberlin x _dismantle. repair. (acoustic)  
* note:_ during the italicized section, the lines that are not italic are the lyrics from the song.

I was lying on my back in the sand, staring up at the clouded, starless night sky. I had my earbuds in, the volume as high as it could go. The same song was on repeat.

"One last glance from a taxi cab, images scar my mind_"._ _I could remember the way she smelled the day she left. _"For weeks, felt like years since your full attention was all mine."_ She wouldn't let me come with her to the airport. She'd called a taxi to the house to pick her up. We stood in front of the house, the cab driver honking his horn. "_The night was young and so were we. Talk about life, got death in your family."_ We ignored him. She stood in front of me, peering up at me through her thick lashes and feigning bravado. I knew she was scared, I could feel it like a shiver down my spine. "_didn't want any promises, just my undivided honesty."_ I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her she was being ridiculous. "_and you say, oh, things are gonna change now for the better. Things are gonna change."_ I wanted to carry her to the bedroom and pin her to the bed and spend the next month proving to her that I was for her; that my purpose was to be hers._

"I am the patron saint of lost causes. A fraction of who I once believed."

_I bit my tongue. "_Only a matter of time; opinions I will try and rewrite."

_I leaned down and pressed my mouth against hers, _"if love has a background music, playing your song, I've gotta be honest – I tried to escape you."_ I inhaled her smell and memorized every subtle movement her lips made against mine._ "But the orchestra played on."_ I wanted to snarl my fingers into her hair and ravage her neck. _"Give me time to prove I want the rest of your prelude."_ Pleadings of mercy were on my lips, _"call this a prelude to a lifetime of you,"_ I buried the words to beg her to stay in her own lip gloss. "_It's not that I hang on every word." _She separated our lips and pressed her hand against my cheek. It was all the comfort she could give. _"I hang myself on what you repeat."_ "Goodbye, James." _"It's not that I keep hanging on; I'm never letting go."

_Bella stepped away from me and adjusted the strap of her pack on her shoulder._ "It's like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you." _The destruction started in my chest, a violent beast beating its massive, wet wings against my ribcage. _"Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through." _Hurricane force winds whipping around my still heart, pushing up through my throat and swirling around in my mouth, pressing against my lips and expanding the flesh around my muscles. _"Dismantle me down." _Hundreds of narrow words caught up in the breeze, unspoken and decaying between my teeth._ "Repair." _I could feel my throat constricting around the feathers of the beast, choking off my voice. _"You dismantle me, you dismantle me." _My fingers ached with every inch she put between us, my body attempting to force me after her. _"Save me from myself."

_I followed her with my eyes, filing away every nuance and fragmented second I had left with her._ "Help me." _My mind was on fire with everything that wasn't being said, cancer eating at my tongue and sliding sickly down my wind pipe. _"Save me from myself." _I could feel the fabric of my life unraveling, a stray piece of threading embedded in her ribcage and pulling the rest away with each left - right, left - right step. _"Save me." _The honking stopped when her small hand wrapped around the handle of the door. She tossed her sack into the back and slid in, turning to press her palm against the back window and meet my eyes as the driver put the car in drive._ "One last glance from a taxi cab, images scar my mind."

_My knees buckled as soon as the taxi was out of sight._

--

**EPOV**  
poets of the fall x _stay_

It was an hour before dawn and I was beginning to get uncomfortable being out in the streets. The urge to stay with Bella kept me linked to her, her arm draped casually in mine as we strolled down the street, despite the illogic in the action. The night sky was lightening as we watched, the paler blue moving across the sky gradually.  
"We should go out on a boat for the day." Her voice was quiet; I'd noted she had begun speaking softly. I wasn't sure if it was a habit she acquired over the last two or three days or if it was something she'd mastered in the past ten years. I imagined myself and Bella sailing out on the turquoise blue waves, the sun on our backs and our skin shimmering. The fantasy was short lived, even out at sea was a risk. Grecians did a lot of fishing. I shook my head sadly, not looking down to meet her eyes.  
"You know how dangerous that is."  
Her little bubble of laughter rose up from her throat and threatened to restart my heartbeat. I couldn't help but grin; it didn't matter that I hadn't the slightest idea what she was giggle about.  
"Don't be so silly, Edward. There are ways around your dazzling."  
She was being ridiculous. I smirked down at her. "Your jokes are amusing, Bella, but it really is too dangerous. Why don't we think of something else to do?" Bella retracted her arm from mine and crossed it atop her other over her chest. She was frowning.  
"I am not a child, Edward; there is no need to be condescending. Aside from that, I was not joking." She checked the sky and looked back at me. "You have forty-five minutes before you will habitually go and shield yourself from the sun to keep your secret. I am going down to the docks to find a boat. You may join me, or you may return home. I am going sailing regardless." She nodded faintly, affirming her position to herself, and turned to walk down the hill toward the boat docks.

True to her word, she did not turn around once. I waited until she was at the base of the hill before I began to frantically think of ways to spend the rest of the day with her.

There was only one, and she was well on her way there.

I glanced forlornly at the corner a few blocks away that would lead me to the safety of the house. My eyes shifted back toward the docks. It was a single choice that needed to be made. I could trust her or I could hide. I'd grown tired of hiding. I missed her.

I sprinted down the hill and around two corners, slowing to a walk as I reached her. I extended her my arm once again and she took it without looking up at me. There was a smug grin on her face. "You win. What boat shall we rent?"

--

The noon sun was blazing in the sky above us, the water lapped gently at the sides of the yacht. Bella lay on a lounge chair in a dark brown bikini, her hair sprawled out beneath her head and dipping into the gaps of the chair to hang lazily through them. She had a pair of sunglasses on and smelled like coconut oil. There was classical music wafting through the speakers peacefully.

I stood, leaning against a railing and watching the light reflect off the water. I lifted my face upward toward the sun and let its warm rays heat up my chilly flesh. It had been too long since I'd been outside in the sun. Twenty, thirty years at least. Occasionally my family and I would move out to Esme Isle for a year or two; because it was so secluded we didn't have to worry about being exposed. But even that was considered a special treat; most of the Cullens enjoyed being around humans too much for our stay there to be too long.

secondhand serenade x _fall for you_

Bella opened her eyes from beneath her sunglasses and peered up at the sun. Swinging her legs to the side of the lounge chair, she grabbed the bottle of suntan lotion and stood up. She came up beside me and rested both of her arms on the metal rail. "We should re-apply," she said, not really asking me whether or not I was agreeable to it. Oddly, I didn't mind. I rolled my shoulders and lowered my gaze, waiting the short moment for my eyes to adjust to the brightness. She popped open the top of the bottle and squeezed some of the lotion onto her palm, gesturing with the bottle for me to turn around so she could apply it to my back. I obliged and immediately her sun-warmed skin was rubbing cold sun-tan lotion onto my hot back.

I had to stifle a moan.

It had been ten years since anyone had touched me in any intimate way. The only person that touched me without backlash was Bella, before and now. I had issues with personal space and the rest of my family knew them. No one pushed me. After I had fled Forks, no one touched me, ever. I refused to accept a comforting touch, a personal tribulation I had assigned to myself. To live without the comforting touch of another creature, living or otherwise; and now Bella's small fingers were rubbing circles on my back. She didn't seem to think anything of it but the way the delicate pads of her fingertips moved like whispers against my skin sent my mind reeling. She was so tender, knowing nearly every inch of my body from those many years ago; I could feel her breath skimming along my spine and the intimacy of the moment captivated me. Meticulously, she moved from my back to my right side, continuing her lotion-spreading as she moved. She rubbed it into my shoulder, my bicep, my forearm. Her nimble hands rubbed lotion on my own hands and between my fingers, massaging it into the webbing between my digits. I watched her carefully once she was within my sight, studying her every motion and shift in expression.

The woman standing before me was impossible to read.

We'd had dozens of discussions by now about things. I knew of her gifts, I knew of some of the fond memories she shared with James. Hearing her speak so affectionately about him tore at my lifeless heart but I kept my mouth shut; _I had left, I didn't deserve her back. I didn't deserve her to acknowledge my pain; I deserved hours and hours of intimate, harrowingly detailed descriptions of her love for him._ It was only fair that I be punished for my idiocy.

She had told me Victoria had hunted her down, that James had rescued her. She told me of the human psychiatrist and the bullshit diagnosis, the threat of an institution and her absolute panic. _She hadn't wanted to forget, _she said, _she hadn't wanted to be tricked into believing it was all an illusion, a made up fantasy in her head._ _She said she preferred the pain of knowing I had left her to the emptiness of a life spent believing it had never happened._

Inwardly, I beat myself up. I reminded myself of my disgusting actions, pointing out that I simply did not deserve her the first time; insisting to myself that to gain her forgiveness and make another attempt to be with her was overstepping my rights, talking myself into a fervid loathing of my very existence. Bella noticed this quickly, I should have guessed, and she stopped talking about things for a few days. When I brought up Charlie though, to see how he was, she dry sobbed into her pretty white skirt.

The one thing I heard very little about was James, at least as a vampire. I heard a few of their moments together, but nothing that gave me any inclination of who or what he was. What kind of power he had. I had asked once or twice but Bella just shrugged her shoulders and remained silent.

By the time Bella got to my chest, I couldn't hide my staring. She was so beautiful it nearly caused me physical pain. The delicate contours of her face, the subtle pout of her lips, her open, welcoming brown eyes; everything made me want her desperately. I could smell her skin beneath the layers of coconut oil and shampoo.

poets of the fall x _stay_

When Bella had finished with my torso and face, I took the bottle from her hand and imitated her gesture to turn around. I began the excruciatingly pleasant task of rubbing lotion onto _her_. I massaged her neck and shoulders mildly, moving onto the balls of her shoulders and her shoulder blades once I felt she was sufficiently relaxed. I thought I heard her purr but the noise had been so quick I wasn't sure of it myself. I squirted more onto my hands and continued, crouching down behind her to be able to access the small of her back and her sides. She stiffened slightly with my hands so intimately sexual on her body; I responded by moving on quickly.

Awkward was not what I wanted her to be.

When I'd finished, I set the bottle on a table beside her lounge chair and turned to face her. Her brown eyes seemed darker, sultrier in the warm sunlight with the oils of the lotion glistening on her skin. I stepped toward her and stopped only when our bodies were a breath apart, my eyes meeting hers, and I felt _hungry_. It was a surge of urgent need coursing through my body, so intense that venom began to pool in my mouth. _I hadn't even smelled an animal!_ I stepped back a step and broke eye contact with her. I took in a rush of warm, salty air and attempted to focus.

"How long has it been since you fed, Edward?" She took three steps to her right, angling herself so her legs pressed against the side of the lounge chair.  
"Three, four days, maybe. I shouldn't be thirsty." Something clicked deep in my subconscious, a wheel fell into place and my eyes flew up to hers. "This isn't me, is it?"  
She said nothing at first, simply continued to meet my gaze as if I would find the answers there in the tranquil browns of her eyes. "No, it is me." She took one tiny step forward, not hesitantly like she usually did, but forcefully. There was something stirring deep in the browns of her eyes, lighter hues began swimming out toward the outer regions of her eyes. I was transfixed, my entire body felt paralyzed by her gaze alone. I took in a sharp breath and continued staring.

I'd never felt so alive before.

She stepped forward again and I realized what it was that was different.

She looked predatory.

She was within arms reach now and she stretched out her hand to grip the hair at the base of my skull. Grabbing a thick chunk, she yanked me forward and I felt my knees collapse beneath me and hit the slick wood flooring with a heavy, crunching thud. I watched her as I plummeted the few feet to my knees, her smooth movements entirely graceful as she seated herself comfortably on the chair. My head was turned slightly to the left, my hair still gripped firmly in her right hand, with my neck completely exposed to her. She leaned forward and delicately ran her nose up the side of my throat, inhaling deeply and exhaling with an appreciative sigh.

I could almost feel my heart beating; adrenaline was pumping through my veins so quickly I was nearly quivering with it.

In a single swift motion, Bella sank her teeth into my neck and instinctively I uttered a guttural growl. I felt the venom pool in my mouth again and swallowed; the venom continued to pool relentlessly. My entire body was vibrating with energy, every molecule of my existence standing at alert for her. There was a rough throbbing in my jeans; I could feel myself straining against the restrictions of my pants. She sucked hard, one large gulp, and a moan erupted straight from my chest to my lips.

There was something strange about what was going on but my mind was reeling so intensely that I couldn't pin down the reason.

Her right hand loosened its grip on my hair but I didn't move my head; she seemed to be pleased with my obedience and she dragged her short nails along the back of my neck as she took another long drink. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, I felt struck dumb with the sheer pleasure of what she was doing. I felt her tongue dance along my skin, darting between her teeth to the sensitive flesh she was subjecting to her fangs. I nearly convulsed with the sexuality of the sensations. Bella let out a moist, hot breath against the goose-bumped flesh of my upper back and drew in one final pull of my blood into her mouth and the nerves in my body felt like they were on fire; the eroticism of the past few moments taking full hold of my existence and forcing my body to release in dozens of great, obliterating waves of climax. Every muscle in my body went limp just before Bella's hand released my neck and she pulled her mouth off my throat. I collapsed onto her lap weakly, panting for breath I didn't technically need from the continuous waves that rocked my lower body.

My consciousness began to develop once again, gradually filling my head with questions and ponderings in place of the inward moans and flashes of memory. I realized as I attempted to move my hand, a small experiment in preparation for the much larger task of moving my entire body, that _I felt human_. My appendages did not move upon my command, instead, they remained limply where they were; I was tingling with pleasure and exhaustion and my head was swimming in blurred words. I could feel the higher reasoning in my brain spewing out from my cerebral cortex, gushing and propelling forward to splatter along the inner walls of my skull like a geyser.

I felt vulnerable.

* * *

So this one is MUCH longer than the others lol. :) I was up until seven in the morning the night before last writing it up. I didn't post it yesterday because i wasn't around at all, but it is here now :) I also took out a huge chunk of it because it didn't make sense in the timeline (at least 1500 words). So yeah, that should be up tomorrow? I think so. Anywayyyy. Please review, they are wonderful to read! Thanks for reading everyone ;)


	39. Chapter 36

**JPOV**

There was a sick, miserable twisting in my stomach. I was trying not to be nosy, I truly was; I only checked on her every few days. Just to make sure she was all right, just to make sure she wasn't desperately in need of someone to come save her. Just in case she was crying to herself at night because she was too stubborn to come home. I had the best of intentions, I wasn't trying to pry.

But none of that mattered.

anberlin x _inevitable_

I knew she was kissing _him_. Less than a second of my attention and I knew what she was doing and I wished more than anything I could take it back. I wished I could go back five seconds in time and simply avoid thinking about her for the night.

I didn't want to think about what was happening now.

I had seen him a hundred times in her memories, I'd felt the strain in her determination whenever she thought about him. He was always a part of her, always would be, and I _knew_ without a doubt how she was feeling now. I knew everything up until my nosy intrusion. I knew she struggled being around him, even if she wasn't quite aware of it herself. I knew she couldn't get me off her mind but I knew that the sight of his familiar bronze hair and his rigid features and his crooked smile were starting to overwhelm her.

I knew she was trying, but I knew I was not the same as he was. Something in her called out for him, something in her _needed_ something he gave. There was something embedded into who she was that craved him, something I could never even try to touch. I'd seen it from the beginning, a shadowy section of her existence that, no matter how I approached it, I couldn't fill that space.

I focused on the emptiness that seemed to be absorbing itself into my body and pushing out everything else. I was being drained by air itself, filled up with nothing but space and sorrow. My throat was tight and swollen and everything I could think was somehow related to Bella. There was nothing I could do.

I would mourn my inability to be what she needed for the rest of my life; and that was a torturous promise looming ahead.

I tried to convince myself to get up, to leave this spot of sand and get on with my night. I had plans with friends; they would wonder where I was. The logical part of me begged to move, begged to get on with my life and continue existing. But the sad fact of the situation was that I simply had no desire to exist; everything I had grown accustomed to, everything I wanted, was lounging on a shore thousands of miles away from me with someone I couldn't compete with.

It didn't matter that I was never overbearing, that I never made her decisions in an attempt to let her be her own woman. It didn't matter that I never used her, that I never intentionally hurt her. It didn't matter that I never let her suffer through her pain alone, that I provided for her and sheltered her and _loved her_.

He had that crooked smile, those butterscotch eyes. He reminded her of the _first _time she loved someone, of the first time hungry lips every met her mouth. He reminded her of her youth, her humanity; and even if she didn't realize it, I would never do that. Because I came after, because I took it all away, because my adoration for her couldn't hold her together.

Because even if she wanted me more than she wanted him, there was a part of her that was made for him. She was his singer and always would be. I wanted to be her last, but he was her first. The first always wins out in the end.

--

anberlin x _alexithymia_

I remained still, half-buried in the sand with the mellow roaring of the ocean waves a few dozen feet away. I kept my eyes closed, opening them only made it harder to think clearly. I was taken over by thoughts of Bella; I could practically feel her with me. Occasionally, the memory of a vampire can be a curse.

I felt rather than heard footsteps approaching me. "James, man, what are you doing?" Daniel sounded aggravated.

I didn't respond.

"James, hey," he nudged my arm with his foot. I kept my eyes closed. "Man, get up. Where have you been? I've been calling you."

I shrugged, the movement weighed down by the layers of sand that had begun to cover me.

"Seriously, James, where have you been? We've all been worried."  
"I've been right here."  
"The whole time? James, don't be ridiculous. Where were you the other night? We had plans, we waited for you."  
"It hasn't been that long, Daniel; yes, I've been here the whole time."  
"You've been here since the night we had plans?"  
"Why do you keep referring to it that way?"  
"Because it was eight days ago, James."

Oh.

--

I hate kate x _embrace the curse_

I sat at the bar, my shoulders hunched down around me, and waited. I lifted the glass of scotch to my lips and took a large swig. There was a faint aromatic quality to scotch that I liked. I could tell how old it was with one swig. I liked the effervescence of the flavors. The bartender walked over to me and eyed me uncomfortably. "Another?" I tossed the final mouthful to the back of my throat and slammed the glass on the counter-top. He refilled it and walked away. Daniel came up behind me and slapped my shoulder firmly, sliding onto the stool beside mine.  
"You should sit with us, James. We've got a few girls over there; everyone's having a good time. Why don't you join us?" My eyes flicked to him from over the lip of my drink. I swallowed it down and pushed the glass toward the bartender. I shook my head at Daniel, averting my gaze.  
"Not tonight, Daniel. I am not good company."  
"They aren't looking for good company."

I met Daniel's eyes solemnly for a moment; the conversation happening between us was not for human ears. He never flinched beneath my scrutiny, so I rose and took my refilled glass with me as we walked back to his table. I slid into the booth and sat silently, my attention not even on the conversation happening around me.

I hate kate x _the thrill__  
_jimmy eat world x _pain_

The waitress appeared over us once more and I wondered how frequently she could possibly return to our table and I wished she would double it. I'd had to get up and order my drinks at the bar more than half of the time, what was the point of having a waitress if you did it all yourself? I scowled up at her from beneath my eyebrows. She returned my look, unafraid, and greeted the others at the table.

"How is everyone doing?"  
She received a chorus of jovial cheers. I pushed my empty glass toward her hand. She lifted it and set it on her tray.  
"Sir, are you sure you want another one?"  
I rolled my shoulders. It hardly mattered, but it kept me busy. "You're right; make it a Bacardi 151, would you?" Her eyebrows lifted.

"But, sir, that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"Are you sure you want _another_? I've already fetched you fifteen." So _that_ was how many I'd gotten to wait for instead of retrieve myself. That made over thirty drinks that I'd had while at the table. That didn't include the ten or so I'd had before Daniel dragged me over here.  
"If you don't want to _fetch_ another one, I can get it myself." How tiresome this girl was.

"I just meant – "

"No, that's fine." I stood and snatched my glass from her tray. Turning, I walked up to the bar and ordered my drink. The bartender eyed me again but I just waited. I crossed my arms over my chest. When he returned the glass, I stopped him with a lift of my hand. "Perhaps I should just take the bottle."

He frowned at me but set the bottle down next to my glass. I took both and returned to the table. I saw the waitress approach the bartender after I sat down.

Human minds were so infantile.

I returned to drinking.

--

"So are you rough?"

… Excuse me? "Excuse me?"

"Are you rough?" She said it again, I watched her stoplight red lips move around the syllables. I blinked at her. "Oh, my! Are you – are you not..?" Her eyes darted to Daniel and then back at me. "You're not, you know?" She tilted her head at him twice.

Oh.

"Well, no, I am."

"Oh, sheesh. Good, I was embarrassed at first!"

This conversation was making no sense to me. What had I just confirmed?

She set her hand on my thigh and scooted closer. She smiled playfully at me; she looked positively delighted about something. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"What question?"

"Are you rough?"

I frowned at her, my eyes narrowing slightly as I debated my answer. If she was looking for some erotic encounter, I was not the one she was looking for.

"I'm not here for that," I grumbled. I poured myself what was left in the bottle and took a swig. My head felt hot.

"Oh, but I think you are." I moved my eyes to look at her. I opened my mouth to argue but something in her eyes halted the words behind my tonsils.

"I probably wouldn't be a gentle escapade."

"I have someone I think you should meet."

--

porcelain and the tramps x _I'm your favorite drug_

We were alone out behind the bar. The dumpster was five feet to my right.

The girl standing in front of me was tiny, her small frame barely filling her size one jeans. She had electric blue eyes and slick blond hair; she stood comfortably in her stiletto heels and skin-tight jeans. She met my eyes and the brick wall behind her faded away. She wasn't human.

But she wasn't vampire, either. She smirked at me, "I'm Kadey."

And there it was, I knew everything there was to know about this woman. She was the Canaanite goddess incarnate, the goddess of love and sexuality; and she was standing in front of me looking at me with 'fuck me' eyes.

Venom pooled in my mouth. I choked it down. "James." I stuffed my hands into my pockets. Kadey stepped forward a few feet, I watched the smooth sway of her hips; strands of her hair lifted in the breeze and she came closer.

"I don't care who you are, it's irrelevant."

My hand shot out from my pockets; I curled my fingers tightly around the back of her neck and yanked her up against me. She let out a surprised yelp but didn't fight me. With my left hand, I clamped down on her hip and held her firmly in place. I leaned down and took a long inhale of her skin, the warm blood rushing in her veins smelled like the first whiffs of cooking meat. Venom pooled again. Her small hands pressed against my chest and shoved me back three steps. I released her, startled, and glared down at her.

She lifted her hand and slapped me, hard, on the cheek. I growled low in my throat and took a menacing step towards her. She lifted her hand to slap me again and I grabbed her by the wrist; twisting, I forced her to face away from me and locked my fingers around her other wrist. I pressed her hard against the brick wall, her left arm lifted above her head and her right arm bent back against her spine.

"Don't be so rude, Kadey. Have some respect."

"Prove I should."

I sank my teeth into the back of her neck and she let out a soft cry of pleasure. I released her right arm and used my free hand to twine in her hair and tug roughly. I ran my tongue along her skin, tasting the blood that was seeping from the wound. Tugging her hair wasn't enough; I moved her left wrist until I could hold it in my right hand with her hair and dropped my hand down to her waist again. I looped my fingers beneath the band of her jeans; she writhed against the weight of my body, I jerked at her pants quickly. The jeans gave with a loud tearing sound and I let them fall to the ground. Kadey attempted to turn her face to mine, kissing at my neck and chin, but I pulled my head back and tugged on her hair. She moaned against the bricks. My eyes grazed her body slowly, every smooth line and curve, and my whole body responded to her. I moved the palm of my left hand over her body harshly, feeling her skin twist and pinch beneath my touch. There was a soft humming in my ear, a voice speaking words I couldn't understand. I released her hair and right hand and forced mine beneath her lacy panties. Her moans increased in intensity, her hips moving deliberately against me; I maneuvered my hand expertly and within seconds her legs were twitching spastically as she climaxed. The humming in my ear began again, soft drags of words; "_more._"

I grabbed her hips and spun her around to face me, slamming her back against the scratchy wall. My hands slid beneath her ass and I lifted her off her feet; she responded immediately, wrapping her legs tightly around my waist and grinding herself against me. I thrust her against the wall harder. She let out a pleading cry, panting to catch her breath before begging me to take her; I moved one of my hands quickly to force her chin towards the sky and shut her up.

less than jake x _short fuse burning_

I bit down savagely on her collarbone and I wasn't sure if her cry was of ecstasy or pain. I took it to be the former as her hips bucked frantically. I drank heavily, filling my mouth and gulping it down as if I were famished. Each swallow gave me a surge of power that rolled and coiled around in my veins; I felt more and more barbaric the longer I drank. When I'd had my fill, I released her in a single, willful movement and stepped away. She landed forcefully on her tailbone and shrieked; leaping up onto her feet to rub the sore bone. She glowered at me in the dim light of the streetlamps.

I was tempted to spit out a nasty _'thanks'_ but bit my tongue; she would be more insulted if I didn't acknowledge I'd received anything from it. I looked at her blankly for a long moment, letting her get angrier, before turning on my heel and leaving. I stuffed my hands back into my pockets and strolled to my bike. I never turned around.

I climbed on my bike and checked my watch. It was only ten-thirty. I'd come outside around ten, so I'd only spent half an hour with Kadey. I cracked my neck once before I kicked-started the bike. It would be twelve-thirty in Greece. I imagined the warm sunlight bathing Bella in a yellow glow on a small beach somewhere in Greece as I sped down the road, weaving in and out of cars. My idle imaginings stopped suddenly when I focused too much on wondering what she was doing. The image was sharp, crystal clear as if I were standing on the deck of the yacht with them. Bella sat on a lounge chair, her fingers idly toying with the thick bronze locks of hair attached to the head of the man with his face in her lap. I could feel my chest tightening. She glowed faintly, less noticeable than the bright light of the midday sun, but I knew it well. She'd just fed. My eyes scanned the image carefully and I choked on a yelp of protest that threatened to escape my lips when I saw two dainty, healing teeth marks on his throat. He was twitching in her lap. A string of curses fell from my mouth as I shook my head in an attempt to clear the vision.

I opened my eyes just in time to realize that it was not road that was beneath my bike; in fact the only thing that was beneath my bike was open air and cliff-side rocks scattered nearly a hundred feet below. I scrambled instantly, my feet pushing the bike farther down as I propelled myself backwards; I curled my spine precipitously, narrowly missing the edge of the cliff with my face. My knees landed unpleasantly and I rolled myself away from the edge. I pulled myself up and sat, staring out at the ocean in front of me. I heard the crunch of metal hitting the sharp rocks below.

I couldn't get the image of Edward's head in Bella's lap out of my mind. I struggled to understand what was going on. A flash of Kadey's rumpled, used body falling to the ground overwhelmed my brain. Bella and I had gotten hungry at the same time.

Or Bella had gotten hungry and I had just been a victim of her thirst.

A pang of jealous understanding hit me. The memory of how I had acted was beginning to haunt me. I could taste Kadey's flesh; I still had her blood in my mouth. Edward's head in her lap seemed a small thing, now. Compared to my actions, she had been a saint, and here I was almost mentally persecuting her for it.

I growled in frustration and slammed my fist into the ground. I was not prepared to deal with this; I did not want to have to compete with an ex-boyfriend. I just wanted Bella to come home.

* * *

So this one is pretty long again. The next won't be, it'll be rather short but I think it works best that way. I've been trying to make them longer but sometimes a scene just has to end, you know? lol. Anyway, here it is. :) reviews make my world go round!


	40. Chapter 37

**BPOV**  
porcelain and the tramps x _gasoline_

I sat on a cushioned dining room table chair across from Alice and Jasper. Edward leaned against the counter behind me, silent and eerie and glowering at Jasper as if Jasper was debating ripping my throat out.  
"You've done something terrible by being here," Alice's voice was accusing.  
"Excuse me?" I pulled back from the table, furrowing my brows and studying her carefully. Was she really addressing me that way?  
"Aro and the others have taken an interest in you. You're bringing them all down on our heads." Her eyes shot angrily to Edward, her little pixie face taking on a frightening darkness. "Again," she spat.

Now this was Edward's fault?

I stood from my seat and pressed my palms against the rounded edge of the table, narrowing my eyes as I met Alice's butterscotch gaze. "If you have a problem with me, Alice, you may address me. Leave Edward out of it; he is not my keeper."  
Jasper rose from his seat and straightened his back, I could feel the waves of calm he was sending me and I lifted my sights to him. Letting out a heavy, tired sigh, I said, "Jasper. That's _enough_." I let the power radiate from me, sparking the air and raising the hair on the backs of their necks. I felt another wave of his power pressing against my skin and I growled fiercely when I met his eyes again.

James had told me that when I got particularly angry, my eyes got so light it was like staring at pale sand swirling around a black hole. I eventually learned to know when I could feel it happening. I felt my vision changing, almost expanding to accept more light, and I focused on a different power. "_I said that's enough, Jasper_." The purr of my voice was deceptive.

I shut down his power.

Jasper fell into his chair as if the strings holding him up had been cut. Alice cried out and spun to touch his face. He batted her hand away and stared at me. "Alice, she's dangerous."

"Get out of my house, Isabella. Get out now." Alice wasn't looking at me but the hate dripped from her voice. "I won't have you bringing Armageddon upon us."

I shoved the chair I had been sitting in towards the table and left the house. Edward followed behind me, slamming the door and jogging to catch up. "Where are you going, Bella? Your house is the other way."

"I know that." I walked faster.  
He kept pace. "Where are we going, then?"  
"You aren't coming."  
"I have to say you're wrong about that."

I stopped walking and frowned at the back of his head. "You don't even know what I'm doing, Edward, why would you come with me?"  
"Because you can't go alone." He didn't turn around, merely turned his head slightly so I could see the side of his face. He appeared to be peering at me from the corner of his eye.  
"Yes, I can. I will; you're not coming."  
"Why not?" He was insulted; agitation rang clear in his voice.  
"Because it's dangerous," I was sure of this; he shouldn't come along. Jane alone could kill him.  
"All the more reason I should be going." His voice was softer, calmer and steadier than mine.  
"No!"  
"Goddammit, Bella; I'm coming! Whether you walk with me or not, I will be going where you go."

I scowled at him but started walking again. Towards the center of town I waved down a midnight taxicab and we both crawled in. I gave the driver instructions to take us to the airport and within an hour we pulled up to the drop-off zone. Edward paid the fare and we exited the cab, walking swiftly into the airport.

Edward bought two tickets to Italy on the next flight out. We had more than three hours to kill so we wandered through the airport, passing the shops and small eateries. Edward took my hand in his; I wasn't sure why I didn't pull away, but the gentle pressure between my fingers gave me a sense of safety. Edward was acting the anchor in my life and I wasn't sure why I was letting him. I thought about James, I thought about him every day. But it had been eleven days since I had made the decision to go home and I had yet to get on a plane to go there. I was already here four days longer than I had told myself I would be. I was making allowances I wasn't sure I should be making.

Every day Edward was with me, every day we walked through town or on the beach with our arms looped together. We hadn't kissed again, not since the first time on the dock. I hadn't fed from him again, either; but the urge was there all the time. The feel of his heated blood filling my mouth haunted me whenever he was close. There was something about the way he tasted; I wanted more of it but I knew how intimate feeding could be. Especially if the feelings were already there.

Edward had been limp in my lap for two hours after I fed the last time. A vampire remaining entirely slack for two hours was nearly unheard of.

But he tasted fantastic.

I shook the thought from my head and decided I should eat something. I turned us into a small Irish-themed restaurant and ordered us each a beer as I looked over the menu. Edward stared at his beer quizzically, seeming to contemplate whether or not he wanted to attempt to drink it.

I knew of one way he could.

"Do you want to try it?"  
"No; I will only get to look forward to vomiting it up later." He did sound disappointed.  
"Would you drink it if that wasn't in your future?"

Edward sat in silence for a moment, staring at the beer glass. He lifted his eyes to mine and said, "Yes, I think I would like to try food again if I would not get sick afterward."

silversun pickups x _checkered floor_

I smirked at him mischievously and stood up, grabbing his hand and tugging him toward the bathrooms. I locked the door behind us and turned to face him. Edward's eyes darted around the bathroom suspiciously and I laughed at him.

"I want you to drink from me." Edward's eyes widened and I could practically see him remembering when I fed from him. His left eyebrow rose up curiously.  
"I do not understand why."  
"If you feed from me, you will be able to drink your beer." The eyebrow rose higher.  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"Yes, yes, of course I'm sure, Edward. Come on, already." I waved him toward me casually.  
"Bella…" I looked up at my name and met his eyes; I froze where I stood.

There was so much more than simple curiosity in his eyes. I could see them darkening as I watched, the lust and hunger rising and casting heavy shadows in the warm butterscotch. His mouth was set in a hard line, no sign of emotion on his face, but it was telling enough. This wouldn't be just a quick sip so he could enjoy a beer for Edward; this would be powerful, it would be consuming and thrilling and _intimate_. My feet brought me closer to him; my brain was running wild with concerns and reservations. My left hand reached up behind my neck and pulled my hair to one side. My neck was exposed to him completely, pale and porcelain and fatally alluring. His fingertips grazed the sensitive flesh teasingly as he lowered his face to my throat. I felt his breath lifting the hairs on my neck; the sweet smell of his skin invaded my nose.

I would not make this sexual. I focused all of my attention on reigning in my hormones; I carefully narrowed my world down to nothing except the basest of instincts. Even narrowing it down as much as that would leave me with a small plethora of choices but today I saw only two. Rage and lust; products of our past, no doubt.

An angry feeding would be better than a lustful one, I guessed.

I pushed the pheromones through my skin, tainting the air with their destructive powers. Edward bit my neck hard, swiftly moving to shove me against the metal wall of the bathroom stall behind us. He took a long suck of my blood as I slammed against the metal and my body responded. Sometimes anger was erotic.

Edward had always been incomparably sexy when he was angry.

This was not an oversight I could afford right now. I let him swallow a few more mouthfuls before I pushed him off of me. Edward may have been older than me but surprise was on my side. The electric want that buzzed between our separate bodies was damn near impossible to resist. I wanted to lunge at him, pin him to the counter and take my pleasures from him. I bit my lip and covered the wound with my hand so he would stop staring at it. Once it was covered, his eyes snapped to mine and I realized he was panting. His eyes were wide and alert and nearly panicked. I could smell the adrenaline searing through his system.

"Christ, Bella."

I waved off the idea of conversation. Right now, we needed to get back in public. We needed to be in a crowd, surrounded by humans. We needed to focus on something else, something more important than the fire raging through my veins.

"You should try that beer now."

It turns out Edward is a big fan of beer.

* * *

:) i am trying to post as frequently as i can to make up for not being around for like an eon. lol

reviews are love, thanks for reading!!


	41. Chapter 38

**AN:** Okay, so we're all just going to pretend that in Twilight, Edward (and his family) tells Bella everything about the Volturi. Because I realized (just now, halfway through the chapter) that Bella never encounters them because in my story Edward doesn't attempt to kill himself. Also, the POVs in this chapter are going to be short. It's the best way I can think of to tell the story; I felt it needed perspective shifts to adequately explain things.

One final thing before you can go ahead and read on (i've been trying to avoid beginning ANs because I know how frustrating they can be lol), it was brought to my attention by a very brilliant reader of mine that at some point in the story I have said only ancients can use sunblock and not be seen. In a recent chapter, I went against that. It is my wish to apologize for my oversight, it has been a long time since I've worked that carefully with those particular details and I _have_ altered the prepared storyline since I started updating again. Because I changed the direction the story was going in, I overlooked a few of my own complications.

I do not really know how to go back and fix it except to remove the boat scene and have them do something else but i really like the boat scene :( I think for now I may just leave it but if it bothers anyone else, do let me know and I will go back and re-write the scene :) who knows, it may turn out better lol anyway, read on!

* * *

**Narrator POV**

"Aro?" The gravelly voice called to him from the shadows and he paused as he walked down the hallway. Turning to face Aza, he smiled widely at her.  
"Yes, my child?"  
"They know of your desires." He hated the woman's voice; it always sounded like a warning from the gods.  
"Well that's splendid, we can go speak with them immediately! There's no need to wait on Caius, now."  
"She will reject you, Aro. She will reject you and you will lose your power."

"Don't be so outrageous, child!" He yelled, suddenly furious at the thought of losing his empire. He glowered at the girl and marched off, debating if he had been correct in his assessment of her powers. He'd known she wasn't as good as Alice, nor half as reliable, but he would take what he could get. However, this little "vision" was simply preposterous.

Who refused the Volturi?

He slammed the door to his own quarters and sighed. There was a way to ensure he got what he wanted.

**BPOV**

We bumped and collided our way down the narrow isle to our seats, getting shoved from one side to the other as we went. Finally plopping down beside the window, I let out a frustrated sigh.  
"People sure are crabby."  
Edward chuckled and tried to stretch out his long legs comfortably while being crammed in the small area.

It had been the deal; I'd allow him to pay for the tickets if he went coach. He had stared at me for a full minute as if I was asking him to remove his own head.

As soon as he'd settled into a mostly comfortable-looking position, his cell phone started buzzing in his pocket. "Good Christ, already," he muttered and unfolded his lanky frame from the fought-for comfort. Snapping it open without looking at the ID, Edward grumbled a greeting into the receiver.

I heard Alice's voice, "Edward they have new members of the guard."  
"Who?"  
"I don't know; I can't see enough. I barely recognize the two new guards, otherwise I may not have noticed." She sounded panicked.  
"Calm down, Alice; why are you so worried?" Edward's voice was soothing, sweet as candy.  
"I… Edward you need to come home."  
"No, Alice."  
"Please!" I could hear desperation and I began to worry.  
"Edward, listen to me. You have to come home, you're in danger."  
"You know why I'm going, Alice. I'm not worried."  
"But I am worried, Edward! I've seen it!" I had to restrain myself from reaching out to snatch the phone and demand she tell me why Edward was in danger.  
"When, Alice? When did you see it?" Edward leaned into the phone, lowering his voice so humans wouldn't be able to hear him.

"Ask her _what_ she saw, Edward!" For fucks sake. Was I the only one who saw importance in that?

--

**EPOV**

There was a long silence on the other line and I began to wonder if she had hung up after hearing Bella's voice.  
"A few months ago."  
"What?!" She had to be fucking with me. Months ago? She'd seen a vision regarding me and she'd waited MONTHS to tell me?  
"I'm sorry, Edward! They told me it wouldn't happen!"  
"Who?"  
"The Volturi."  
"When did you talk to them?" I got the feeling this was going to be a long, hard trip.  
"Right after the vision. I went to them; I had seen people that weren't even in the room when I went. Chelsea sat with me and she was talking and I told her I'd had a vision that the Volturi had intentions to kill you and –"  
"You saw them kill me?"  
"In the vision, yes."  
I swallowed a nasty growl. "Then what?"  
"Well, nothing. They all told me they had absolutely nothing against you; they said they had no intentions."  
"So what's changed?"  
"_She's here._" Alice's voice was like acid, burning through the speaker against my ear.  
I opened my mouth to snap something at her when I heard her phone drop to the ground. I called her name a few times, the panic beginning to well up in my throat as the seconds passed. Where was Jasper trying to console her during a vision? I heard a pained scream tear from Alice's lungs and then the scrambling noises of her searching for the phone.

"Edward, they took Jasper!"

--

**BPOV**  
katy perry x _self inflicted_

The long, poorly lit hallways were the most familiar. I hated where the Volturi lived. It was hardly pleasant, even for a vampire. The air felt damp and I grimaced; it was disgusting.

Edward and I darted through the hallways one at a time, rushing over any sections that were lit and ducking down into corners to wait for the other. Edward led the way, having been to the main chambers of the Volturi before, and we stood in front of the enormous ancient wooden doors.

Edward and I glanced at each other and we seemed to be thinking the same thing; _don't do anything stupid_. I leaned against the wall, pressing my spine as flat as possible.

In a fluid movement of arms, Edward slammed his palms against the doors and they flew open with an ear-splitting bang. He stomped into the room, his footsteps denting the stone beneath his feet and spraying small pebbles over the floor.

--

**EPOV**

"Where is he, Aro?" I growled, coming to a halt and standing a few feet in front of him.  
"My, Edward; you do look intimidating." Aro lifted his eerie red eyes from the book he had opened in his lap to scan me over. "What is it you are here for, again?"  
I felt my body tense, every sinewy muscle becoming rigid. "Give me Jasper."  
Aro cocked his head to the side and looked at me as if he were confused. "Such demands, Edward. What ever happened to asking?"  
"Return him to me!" I roared violently, the air in the damp chamber practically buzzing with the noise for nearly a full minute after. I was good at being angry.

Aro's long fingers bent and closed the book in his lap before he twined them together. He made a soft "_tsk, tsk, tsk_" noise as he shook his head. "I am disappointed to see that all of your manners have deserted you. It is such shames to watch the younger generations lose all sense of respect and formality." He lifted a finger and waved in one of the women against the wall toward the center of the room with him. The woman stepped forward, the shadows falling from her face to reveal a long, angular jaw and deep-set black eyes.

I wondered how long it had been since she was allowed to eat.

I took a step back in surprise when I realized that the stone floor we were all standing on began to shift and re-arrange to meet her steps. The earth literally moved beneath her. I fought the urge to cast a quick, warning glance at Bella. They were not to be alerted to her presence, and I would do well to remember that.

"Edward, this is Delia." She stopped walking two feet in front of me and looked up at me with her starving eyes. I felt my stomach twist. I was not going to like the way this played out. I shifted my gaze to Aro, desperate to see something besides the raw hunger in her eyes, and frowned at him.  
"I want Jasper, Aro; I don't know what you're getting at with this."  
"I will return Jasper to you."

I didn't need to be a telepath to know what wasn't said.

"I will not trade Bella for him, Aro." I crossed my arms over my chest and glowered at the leader of the Volturi. I was begging for an ass-kicking the way I was disrespecting him.  
"Delia, please escort our guest to some quarters until he changes his mind." I widened my eyes and stepped back, away from Delia and turned to face her.  
"I'm not staying here."  
Aro said nothing.  
_Up_, she thought.

I met her eyes and the ground beneath my feet began to quake, the stone separating and crumbling to make room for the thick roots that sprouted. I lunged for her and sent us tumbling for the floor. We landed with a soft thump on a hammock that appeared to be woven from live vines and oak leaves. I rolled onto my back and felt the speed with which we were tearing upwards to the ceiling. We stopped a few yards shy. I peered down from the hammock and searched for Aro's thoughts.

"Chelsea." He spoke it the same second he thought her name.

--

**BPOV**

I leaned my back against the outside wall of the chambers. I held my breath to keep myself from panting in panic. Edward had just been swept up into a hammock with some famished woman and Aro seemed to want Chelsea to do something. I frowned harshly to myself, searching through my memories to remember _what_ Chelsea was capable of.

Ties.

My eyes snapped open and I nearly let out a gasp. Chelsea could manipulate relationship ties. Now I was panicking. If she managed to manipulate Edward into falling for Delia, or worse, into hating me… I couldn't think about it.

Alice. Oh, Christ. Hadn't Alice said she'd been with Chelsea when she asked about their plans?

That could easily explain Alice's sudden disposition towards me.

_Goddammit; why did things have to be so fucking difficult all the time?_

I sank down to the floor and put my head in my hands. Now was the time to think, not go rushing in there to start a fight I couldn't win. I had to talk to Edward; we had to re-develop our plan. _I had to protect him_.

_God, Edward, I wish you could hear me._  
Bella?

I froze my hand halfway through my hair; the clarity of his voice was eerie. Had I memorized the way he said my name _that_ well?

Bella, I can hear you.  
_That's impossible,_ I grumbled to myself inwardly, _you're not telepathic, Bella._  
But I am.  
_Of course, but that doesn't mean I should hear _you. I shook my head at myself. _Now I'm responding to the hallucination._  
Bella, Delia is licking my neck.

--

**EPOV**

Was I insane? I'd never heard Bella before, why was I hearing her now? Delia had lifted my arm and was nestling against me. I let her, for lack of a better idea.

'Of course, but that doesn't mean I should hear you.' She paused. 'Now I'm responding to the hallucination.'

I sighed to myself; this didn't feel like a hallucination.  
Delia adjusted against my chest and I felt her warm breath cascading over my Adams apple. She slid her wet tongue along my neck.

_Bella, Delia is licking my neck._

Delia moved up, shifting her torso and turning my face opposite of her so she could run her tongue along my jaw. I felt the sudden compulsion to smash my mouth against hers and before I realized what I was doing, Delia's lips were parting from the pressure of mine. I drove my tongue into her mouth, twisting our bodies so I could feel more of her. She was taller than Bella, heavier but in a pleasant way. She locked our legs together and knotted her fingers into my hair.

'Edward!'

I pulled back from Delia's mouth abruptly, gasping for air and dragging my long digits through the mess of my hair. _Fuck, Bella. They're screwing with me. I need to get out of here before things get worse._

'I don't know how to do that, Edward.'  
_There has to be a way to nullify Chelsea. I don't know who else could be doing this. _  
'You think she's manipulating a relationship between you and Delia?'  
_It's the only possibility I can think of. _  
'Yeah, I thought so too. How am I supposed to bypass it? If she's creating a relationship, that's pretty hard to get around.'

I thought about her point. My eyes rose to Delia's face and, unconsciously, my body leaned toward her. She smiled sweetly up at me and I tucked some stray black strands of hair behind her ear. My vision narrowed as my eyes closed, my lips a mere inch from hers. The longing to lie with her, to roll around in this hammock for days, was unbearable. I imagined the way her skin would feel as my lips fell unto hers.

--

**BPOV**

I could hear the subconscious imaginings in his head, slurred by the titillating sexual energy that was burning up his body. I bit back a growl as I fidgeted with my fingers. I thought his name repeatedly but I wasn't getting an answer this time. I had to believe I wasn't hallucinating; I had to believe that the unbelievable occurrence happening between us right now was real. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. I shut my eyes miserably. If this was all real, then Edward was in there rolling around in bed with another woman.

I wasn't sure what to make of the situation, but the creature that had replaced some part of me began to pace inside of my chest. Jealousy erupted from somewhere in my mind, gushing a cancerous black rage that seeped into my muscles and buried itself in my bones. Fantasies of violence began coveting my attention, darting from one brutal image to another. I had to do something before I began roaring my way into the room.

I couldn't reveal myself, not yet; not knowing that they had new blood in their guard. I needed to know more about the newcomers before I exposed myself and my power. I felt the plethora of flavored emotions rising within me, each climbing and bubbling desperately to be noticed first.

It was reckless, it would hurt him, but there was the chance it would get him out of there.

I spun my head around to look at the door, my hair whipping me in the face as I did so, and pushed out all of the desperate need I had in my body. I knew he was in there, the dire need to get to him filled me with such despair that I nearly collapsed. The will to get to him was so urgent, so dangerous, that I was certain nothing would stop me.

I would walk through anything to get to him, to feel his body in my arms. Nothing would stand in my way.

All of that savage possession, the violent territoriality I felt towards him, caught fire in my veins. I was wild with fury, foolhardy and rash, but the sizzling vehemence surged through my veins and made me feel alive.

She was in there claiming what was mine. I was unwilling to allow that.

Desperate people do desperate things.

I was relying on the hope that Edward could handle what I was feeding him.

--

**EPOV**  
the white stripes x _seven nation army_

My mouth moved with Delia's, swiftly and hungrily, and I ran my hands along her stomach. I began lifting her shirt slowly, inch by inch, and I lowered my mouth to the exposed flesh. There was something hot and succulent about her body that kept me lingering, the need to have my mouth all over her outweighing any other responsibility.

I felt a hard tug in my chest, nearly enough to rip me away from the plains of silky flesh I clung to. I turned to face behind me, intending to find and destroy the distraction. I could see Bella's eyes meeting mine around one of the doors. I caught my breath.

I was mesmerized by the glow of her eyes. Even from this distance they appeared to be sucking me in, the pupils of her eyes a dark, endless black pit framed by sun-heated sand.

There she was, so close and so far away. I had to be near her, I had to get to her. Every molecule in my body demanded it. Delia lifted herself up and tried to tug me back to her but I shoved her off of me. I stood in the hammock, my excellent balance compensating for the swinging, and leapt from it. I landed with a thundering _crunch_ on the stone and felt it give beneath me. I stood and began walking towards the door. There she was, I couldn't see her eyes anymore but I could feel her there like the first whispers of rain on a cloudy day.

Crippling pain seared through my body and I collapsed.

'Get up, Edward.' It was _her_. My body moved without my command; my arms pushed my torso up from the floor, my knees bent until I was on all fours. My right leg shifted, planting my foot flat on the ground and my left arm shoved me up, the momentum sending me to my feet. I staggered, my arms flailing out to attempt to catch my balance, and I righted myself. I shook my head as if brushing off a small shock and began walking again.

"Edward, you are not leaving, my friend." Aro's voice was silk.  
I fixed my gaze on where I felt Bella to be. I stepped forward.  
"Jane," Aro said. The pain was back, scorching through my skull and threatening to throw me to my knees.

zebrahead x _the walking dead_

'Come to me, Edward.' There was venom in her voice, fury barely contained. My legs moved at her command.

"Jane!" Aro's voice was booming, he was maddened by the absurdity of her disobedience. It hadn't occurred to him that her power just wasn't enough.

There was agony ripping through my brain tissue. They were attacking me where it would hurt the most.  
And by God, did it hurt.

There was a smarting throb that started at the base of my skull and split across the rest. My vision was gone; I saw nothing except blinding white pain. I would have sworn someone was hammering a cleaver into my head repeatedly.

'Stop her.'

I spun on my heels and lunged for Jane, slamming her into the stone floor and growling in her face. Her small hands wrapped around my neck in an attempt to force me off of her but I grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands from me. I felt the long drag of her fingernails embedding into my skin. Astonished, she pummeled me with her illusions of pain but I slammed her head down on the floor with a wet blast. I stood, the fiery ache in my head vanishing with Jane's consciousness. I scowled at Aro, the lacerations on my neck from Jane burning like fire.

--

**BPOV  
**the vincent black shadow x _they still want you_

_Come to me._

I listened breathlessly to the silence in the chamber. I waited for Aro to give another order; I waited for Edward's footsteps. There was nothing. I counted the seconds, my mind reeling frantically to figure out what could be going on. Finally, I heard the whisper of rustling jeans and I could feel Edward walking to the door. I nearly leapt for joy. He stepped out, blood dripping from his nose and his ears, his eyes vigilant and his muscles rigid with anticipation. His hands reached behind him and shut the doors. He turned to look at me and I threw myself into his open arms. I was choking back dry sobs when I slid down the length of his torso and onto my feet. I grabbed his hand and tugged him forward. We had to get out. Now.


	42. Chapter 39

**AN:** All the things written in quotations ( " here " ) and _italic_ are lyrics. The songs being used are the most recent listed. (the song is listed first, then the lyrics will appear. when the song changes, i will have listed a new song title).

* * *

**BPOV**

the wallflowers x _everybody out of the water  
_

"_On your mark, get set, let's go.  
You've got to move on  
before she explodes._"

Edward and I fled the city on foot, racing our way from city to city until we stood outside of my house. The first light of sunrise was stretching out over the tops of the surrounding houses. We stood in silence for a long moment, neither of us looking at the other, neither of us sure what to say. There was a ringing in my veins, the aftermath of the electricity and acid I'd been raging with not so very long ago. I forced my feet to move forward, each step slow and tired, even though my physical body couldn't be tired. The grogginess in my head weighed me down; I felt it in every gradual movement of my body. I pushed the front door open and felt my legs crumple beneath me. Edward's long arms wrapped beneath my ribs and caught me before I hit the ground. He sat down behind me and pulled me into his lap. His hand began petting my hair as he held me to his chest. This wasn't the comfort of a lover, even a friend; it was the comfort of a _provider_. Of someone who shared your troubles and was searching for a way to take yours onto his own shoulders; someone who knew that idle promises of 'it'll be okay' won't solve anything. Someone whose silent caresses meant 'I will fix this, I will make it okay again; we're just not quite there yet.'

Edward was playing my anchor and I wasn't sure how I felt about that yet.

When the sunlight began to pour into the windows, Edward stood and, setting me down on the couch, he went around the house to close all the blinds and shut the front door. He returned to me once he'd finished and cupped my face in his hands. I'd been in my share of tough spots; I've thought the end was right on my doorstep half a dozen times. But this was different. When I was human, I never truly understood the dangers I was in; it went in one ear and out the other, as they say. I'd had Edward to protect me and back then the Cullens were the most powerful creatures I'd ever encountered. When they weren't around, I was either too depressed to be _concerned_ for my life or James was swooping in. As if I hadn't been pampered enough, when I became a vampire, my powers were phenomenal. I mean, Christ, I had a power that _no one had seen in years, if ever._ Frankly, I was badass in theory. But now?

Now, Edward was a two-bit, dime-a-dozen vampire and I wasn't ready to die. Now, James was an ocean away and my ace-in-the-hole was suddenly useless in any kind of non-surprise situation. There were so many questions, so many complications, and my head was spinning. I opened my eyes and met Edward's darkening orbs. I hadn't seen this look for a long, long time. Almost twelve years.

"_And it ain't even over.  
Here comes the drivin' rain._"

I watched his eyes sink from a warm, honey and butterscotch to a frightening, hollow black.

"_It ain't me that you feel.  
There's something moving around in here.  
That's blood, that's tears.  
This ain't a warning._"  
the wallflowers x _everybody out of the water_

My breath caught in my throat and the orange morning glow of the rest of the house began fading, seeping into the nothingness and I could _see _the end of days in his eyes. I could feel it in my bones, chilling and swift, as it crawled up my spine; the cold fingers of death, of desolation, were creeping out from the road of my spinal column and stretching, gliding, over the flesh of my back and burying ice-hot tentacles into my muscles to grow and reach, to press firmly against the back of my still heart.

Something wanted my heart to beat again; something wanted to freeze my body until it cracked and shattered like broken glass on the floor. Someone wanted me six feet under with no way out.

That someone was looking at me through Edward's eyes.

"_You've got to be brave.  
If you can fix it now, then don't make us wait.  
Man, there ain't nobody comin'._"

He was there behind it; I could feel him like a whisper of heat in the cold room. He'd been there just a moment before, looking at me with hunger I'd known before. He had been there.

the wallflowers x _if you never got sick_

"_That aint a parachute, that aint a rip cord.  
That aint a body of water we're headed for.  
There's so little time left,  
so much to be done.  
Even you are gonna need someone._"

What the fuck was going on in my life? Why did all this fucked up shit _always _happen with the Cullens? Maybe I hadn't been the danger magnet to begin with; maybe I'd just made the wrong friends.

I sighed once, allowing myself only a few seconds to dwell on just how unlucky, how wretched, this entire situation was. I focused. I had to get him back for the second time that day. This was getting old. Hadn't Edward been the one getting me out of my old predicaments? I supposed so, up to a point. Fair was fair, after all.

So now that I'd decided to get him back… I rolled my eyes at myself inwardly. How?

_Sex._

The answer was there, a natural crack of thunder after a flash of lightning. I couldn't think about this. I didn't know how I knew this would work. Was it just because I wanted to do it? I hesitated. That was a possibility. I had to be honest with myself; I'd always been attracted to Edward, sex had always been a goal. I had to admit that, even if I didn't want to; it could be interfering with my ability to rationally think of a solution.

I had to be reasonable here. The truth was I would most likely, definitely, jump his bones if given the chance. And _this_ was most certainly a _chance_.

"_Now, I may not be quick.  
Maybe never was.  
But tell me what the hell it is that you've become_."

But would it help the situation? Would it really fix things?

Only if it worked, and even then, only a small part of the problem had been solved. And for how long? Would I be forced to continue having sex with Edward like clockwork until we found out who was doing this? The more I thought about it, the less like a good idea it sounded.

I could have him drink from me. But really, who knew the repercussions of that? I knew drinking from a vampire left the drinker with a lot more than just a satiated appetite. The residual power, the lingering memories, a stronger connection. Prolonged drinking would permanently link the drinker and the provider; and, depending on the power of the provider, prolonged drinking could even "transfer" gifts for a stretch of time. The provider would not be _missing_ the gift; it would simply be stretching between two creatures.

Something clicked in my brain, a wheel fell into place and a few other things were beginning to make sense. I had read Edward's mind just, technically, last night. I'd switched off my nullifying ability and let him hear me, that had been the plan; _but I had heard him back._ Prolonged drinking could lead to a temporary transfer of gifts. Had I been using James' telepathy to communicate with Edward?

Was it James' innate ability to _know_ things, to understand them without study or research, that was telling me how to solve this?

I'd been drinking from him for _ten years_. I knew I was an ancient now, I knew my power would only be increasing. But I had never really considered being able to use his gifts. How long would it last, though? Was it only good for a use or two? So many fucking questions.

So he could drink from me, and the possibilities that fell from that were endless. But if someone was using Edward's body, what was to say they couldn't tap into the power he would get from drinking from me? It was a risk I was not willing to take. Edward would have some of my memories; he _would _be stronger with my blood, at least for a while. The risk of that biting me in the ass forced me to dismiss the notion.

And just like that, there was one.

I ran the questions through my mind again but no new answers came. I'd only had two options that could use lust to snap him out of this, and now I only had one. There was the possibility of error in this, though, aside from the obvious. Edward had been looking at me hungrily, in that lustful way a vampire does, before … this situation. What if that lust had been the door for someone to use him? Would seducing him make things worse? The idea terrified me.

He was already stuck in this; I supposed it couldn't get a whole lot worse in that aspect. I hoped it was a matter of potency, that his lust hadn't been enough to keep his consciousness in the forefront. He needed a focus, and it seemed logical that sex would help him focus. Especially because I could make it unnaturally profound.

I pushed all the thoughts from my head. My insecurities were irrelevant. Whoever was using him already had control, and I had to try _something_. I took another breath, never diverting my gaze from his eyes on the off chance that something changed.

**NPOV**  
the wallflowers x _how good it can get  
**the song is meant to come from Edward's perspective.**_

Bella pushed all her uncertainties out of her head, she didn't have time to fight with herself anymore. She'd already taken long enough and she had to assume that every passing second counted. She had to believe this wasn't an instant and irreversible situation; it was all she had left. A tiny whimper escaped her trembling lips. She was panicked and excited and terrified and guilt-ridden. If this failed… She wasn't sure what would happen.

"Edward." His name was a curious exhale; a secret transferring keepers. His eyes didn't change and the bitter chill was expanding down her body. She said his name again, her voice changing to become stronger. Something shook her from the core of her spine; she was affecting something, she was being warned. "Edward." Her voice sounded threatening, forceful. Venom dripped from her teeth. Edward's body convulsed once, his eyes widening and filling with more light. The color started to return to them, the blackness losing its ground. Then it stopped and in a heart-wrenching second his eyes went black again.  
"God-dammit, Edward!" His name fell from her lungs as nothing more than a guttural howl. He blinked and when his eyes opened they hadn't changed. There was a taunting smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, silently it said 'stop fooling around, child. you know the game.'

Bella stood, grabbing Edward by the front of his shirt and lifting him with her. She rushed his body into colliding with the wall to her left and dug around in her mind until she found the small pathway that led to her savage side. She pushed her way through the warnings of logic and gasped as the force of her own power burst through her. Jolts of heat pulsed through her body, making her legs shake with anticipation. Edward's eyes rolled into the back of his head, his eyelids twitching wildly.

Something inside of her begged to find another way to do this, told her this wasn't right; that things should be different. '_Yeah,_' she thought, '_everything should be different but I'm backed into a corner here and I only see one way out_.' She crashed her mouth to Edward's and prepared herself for the electric charge between them. It never came; Edward's lips were still against hers, non-responsive. She couldn't believe it, she was pumping lust pheromones at him like they were meant to replace his oxygen. Something was wrong, she didn't understand it. She tried again.

Nothing.

Bella released Edward and stood there starring at him, as he slid to the floor, as if he'd just died in her arms.

-

"_Slow down, you're breaking up.  
Use your words; don't yell so much.  
I don't understand a word that you're saying.  
Now move in, come up close.  
You look like you've maybe seen a ghost.  
Tell me, has someone gotten to you, baby?  
Now open your arms, pick up your head.  
Open your eyes so you can see what happens next._

_You wont believe just how good it can get.  
We'll make a lover out of you yet._

_The fog is so thick I cant see my hands;  
it got much worse soon as I got in.  
And I know you're somewhere here in the water.  
It's ten feet deep and the river won't stop.  
I'll tell you what's in it when I make it across.  
You could make it too if you let someone help you._

_But you gotta give in and you gotta let go.  
Then you can begin to come up slow like a desert rose._

_Take a deep breath and hold it in tight;  
and put your face up right into the light.  
Cant you feel that full moon shining down on you?  
Help is coming from the great unknown,  
just maybe not when you needed it most.  
Cause I can see you already, know that you're leaving.  
But I wish you'd stay and just let me in;  
cause everything can change.  
But you gotta be ready, cause you wont know when_."

-

"Fine, we'll play your way," she said to the blackness that stared up at her through his eyes. Edward's face remained blank. She reached down and lifted him up, twisting his arms behind his back and leading him outside. "Fight me and I'll rip your throat out." She snapped, hoping her voice was as assertive as she wanted it to be. It was an empty threat but she was banking on the hope that whoever was fucking with her didn't know enough to call her bluff. She lifted Edward over her shoulder and took off down the road, erupting through the front door of the Cullen household and threw her passenger onto the couch. He righted himself and sat regally, hands clasped in his lap, with that stupid fucking smirk on his face.  
"Carlisle!" Bella's voice rang through the house much louder than ever would have been necessary.  
"Bella." Carlisle stood across the room from her suddenly, his thick blond hair kept neatly away from his face and his shirt and pants pressed and perfect.  
"Where's Alice?" The realization that she couldn't hear the pixie anywhere in the house hit her and she couldn't help but ask.  
"Alice went away with some friends."  
Doubtful.  
"Carlisle." She narrowed her eyes at him. She couldn't afford to have him lying to her.  
He frowned at her and downcast his eyes. "Alice was sent to stay with friends because of the risk she posed here. She needs constant supervision; she's already made five attempts to go get Jasper. She's already seen her death if she goes, but she insists she has to save him." He shook his head. "We know Jasper is safe, the Volturi would never kill him. They would rather convert him, and they would wait years if they had to." Carlisle sounded tired.  
"I need your help." Bella figured it better to drop the topic of Alice, anyway. Carlisle's expression remained passive and he gestured to the couch for her to sit. She made no move to do so.  
Bella explained the situation as articulately as she could and was surprised to find that she didn't stumble over her words nearly as much as she had expected. She spoke swiftly, her words a steady blur of sound; she sounded confident, sure of her analysis of the situation. She just couldn't figure out what she was missing. By the end of her rushed once-over, she'd seated herself across from Carlisle on one of the couches. They both glanced at Edward and waited. She hadn't been sure that talking about this in front of him was a good idea but the truth was she couldn't afford to let him out of her sight and he _was_ a telepath. His strong relationship with Carlisle allowed him access to the vampire's thoughts from an impressive distance; everything would be exposed, regardless. She tried to convince herself that there could be an upside to talking in front of him, if only Edward's face would give something away.  
"I think the answer is really quite simple, Bella. I think you just don't want to face the reality of it."  
"Riddles won't help, Carlisle. Just speak." Carlisle's stoic expression flinched and he frowned at her again.  
"The answer, Isabella, is that Edward's lust for you simply isn't enough. Even with your… encouragement."

The thought hit her hard. She'd never really considered that before. She'd kind of assumed that he still felt as strongly for her, at least physically, as he had years ago. Rather narcissistic if she thought about it. The harsh reality was that it was impossible without the draw of her blood; she was no different than anyone else to him now. Maybe he'd only ever found her attractive because of what her blood did to him. Maybe now he was just curious about her, maybe he really felt nothing. The blow was crushing; a wrecking ball to the delicate illusion she'd been creating in her subconscious.

She looked stricken, her eyes widened and her mouth parted as she considered the possibility of his words. Carlisle cleared his throat loudly to get her attention. "I do believe there's been a misunderstanding; I did not mean to imply Edward's desire for you has depleted in any way. In fact, I believe quite the opposite." Bella glared at him. The man was talking circles and she was fucking tired. He started again. "Bella, Edward loves you. Lusting after you is back-burner to that. Loving you is second nature to him, it's probably the biggest part of his existence; compared to it, everything else is insignificant. Including his desire to bed you."

Bella sat silently for a long moment, her eyes lost in the terrifying blackness of Edward's gaze. "So what are you saying, Carlisle? How do I fix this? How do I use that to get him back?" Her voice had started strong, determined, but it ended quietly. She was losing hope.

the wallflowers x _too late to quit_

"_Sometimes a good idea just isn't enough; you got to do the work. So get your ass up._"_  
_

Carlisle fidgeted in his seat to draw her gaze away from Edward. Once he had her attention, he said softly, "I am in agreement with your belief that copulation will return him, at least temporarily, because of its powers to bind two people; but I do not think it is as simple as extra hormones, Bella. I think you may have to make love to him to draw him out."

"_There's nothing left here to rise above, we're not talking about that kind of love.  
You've got people here counting on you, now's a good time to learn how to pull through.  
Too late to quit, too soon to go home._"

--

**JPOV**  
the wallflowers x _untitled hidden track_ from **red letter days** album

I'd been pacing around my kitchen for hours. I couldn't go into my own bedroom anymore because her smell hadn't faded. I couldn't understand how it was possible. I tried not to think about it because the answer was probably that I was hallucinating. I preferred to think that there was a bottle of her perfume somewhere in there that I'd over-looked the first time I boxed up the particularly painful items she'd left behind.

I'd been putting all my effort into not thinking about her because I was so unbearably fearful of what I was going to see. His fucking bronze hair tormented me. I couldn't even vent my anger about him in my own head because thinking about him made me susceptible to seeing him. I didn't want to see him because I'd know too much, see too much. Thinking about him was a roundabout way of thinking about her.

And that wasn't allowed.

But all the not knowing was equally painful. I'd never wanted to spy on her so badly before and I'd certainly battled with it a handful of times.

I hadn't gone out drinking with everyone again. The probability of running into Kadey was the first half of my reluctance, the second half was my fear of doing it all again. Kadey's blood still entered my mind, nearly a week later. It wasn't a good sign. I threw myself onto a stool and fidgeted with the napkin holder. I tossed it from one hand to the other, ignoring the scattering contents as they fluttered to the floor around me. It was impossible to think of anything else when your soul cried out for something.

The misery I'd been fighting with for days began to tumefy in my chest, sticking to my ribs and veins like grime. I loved her like I loved no one else. I'd been with women who brought me to my knees, women I'd have gladly (and occasionally, did) kill for. I'd traipsed all over the globe for women I'd loved, but none had been able to keep me around. If it had been any of those dozen women, I'd have sold my house and moved on somewhere else. Somewhere without the memories. Bella was keeping me here and she wasn't even around.

_She didn't even want me and here I sat, endlessly waiting._

I wasn't aware I was crying until I felt the violent hiccups exploding from my mouth. This couldn't possibly get any worse.

"_I've been lifted up; I've looked honor in the eyes. I have no reason, I have no rhyme.  
I cannot deny there's a darkness that's inside, I am guilty by design and now I realize the temptation's made me blind_."

--

I couldn't help the slow cascade of images that began to litter my mind. I stood and walked into the bedroom, her smell assaulting my nostrils and I reveled in it. I shut my eyes and thought of nothing except her smell. Not her, just her smell. I could think of her in pieces. I sat on the edge of my bed and when I opened my eyes, they landed on the painting I kept hung next to my closet. I got up and moved the painting onto the ground, exposing a wall safe, and entered the twelve-digit code. The door released with a hiss of air pressure and I pulled it back. Stacks of money went back about six feet into the wall. Five-thousand dollar bill stacks. I didn't like banks.

I shifted my sight up top, a single shelf held a large envelope that I pulled out. I tossed it to the bed and shut the safe, replacing the painting and resituating myself on the comforter. I opened the envelope and spilled out hundreds of pictures onto the blankets. I moved like light, flipping the ones of the two of us over so they faced the mattress and I couldn't see them. I searched for one of just her, a specific one.

Ah, there it was.

She sat on the beach with a full moon shining down on her soaked hair. She had her knees bent, her arms wrapped protectively around them. She stared out at the open sea, the waves crashing on the sand a few yards below her. Her black dress was drenched and wrinkled; the sand beneath her was dark and heavy with the moisture she was dripping onto it. She looked so forlorn, so precious in the fragile light.

All I did was wish I was in that moment so I could walk up to her and carry her home.

"_You are the reason I don't sleep, you are the light that's breaking through the leaves.  
You know how hard I try to believe I have something good inside."_  
the wallflowers x _untitled hidden track_

--

**NPOV**  
the wallflowers x _see you when I get there_

"_I'm looking up at the moving clouds; I've been hit so hard this time, I just might stay down. Now if you were me, I would come back to get you. If this is love then I don't remember. You won't find anyone to treat you better. We've already been through hell and high water. I ain't sorry, baby, don't think that. We ain't done anything that I take back. Go on, pretend that you ain't changed. And don't worry about me, baby, I'll see you when I get there._"

Bella sat in front of Edward, on the floor with her knees tucked beneath her. Edward was still on the couch, his long legs parted so she could sit between them. Neither had moved in half an hour; they just stared into the others eyes as if debating some great problem of who to kill first. Bella had grown used to the contaminating frost that had long-ago coated her bones.

_Something has to give,_ she thought. Her lip gave a weak twitch as she deliberated carefully how to approach her predicament. Moving abruptly to grab his face, she narrowed her eyes and put as much vigor into her voice as she could. "Edward, if you can hear me, I can't do this alone. I need your help, you bastard."

"_Now, sometimes you're an angel but you're usually a pain in the ass._"

The black eyes looked from her one eye to the other, searching for something. They flashed a dazzling gold that lasted half a second; but it was enough. Edward, as himself, leaned into her and gently brushed his parted lips against hers. Her breath caught in her throat and she let it out in a soft hum as he pulled away, his eyes growing impossibly dark again. A leaden despondence settled itself inside of her, a firm belief that all would fail started pounding at her resolve. Before she broke down into a pitiful heap, Bella breathed in. The smell of Edward hadn't changed and she let her no-longer-human senses absorb the marvelous scent. She let the cool musk of him establish itself in her veins. She'd missed this smell so much when he'd left. Nothing had ever really changed that, she realized. No smell had filled that gap in her; she'd just pushed all memory of it down as deep as it would go.

Whomever it was that was… using him, they were just as curious about the solution as she was. There hadn't been a single action from Edward besides patient cooperation. Whoever it was was only observing, but for how long?

Bella moved and took Edward's hand in hers. She ran the pads of her fingers over his skin, touching the thin webbing between his fingers and rubbing his palm slowly. The action seemed to soothe her and Edward's black eyes simply watched.

She sighed quietly to herself. She'd made her decision to do what was necessary to get him back but the execution of the plan was unnerving. How was she supposed to make love to a man she didn't love anymore? Or did she love him again? Still? Had it never gone away? Was she turning this into something it wasn't? What was the difference between making love and having sex? In theory, it had to be the emotions behind it. But wasn't sex simply a way to get off or reproduce? At most, it seemed like a way to be close to someone. But none of this seemed like it would be _making love_. Was it about intentions, and if so, what intentions made the difference? It was all so back-and-forth. There were no new answers to be attained from her tireless pondering. And how long was too long? When did he stop being savable?

Desperate, Bella leaned up and touched her lips to his cheek. She kissed his face everywhere, her heart hurting for more reasons than she allowed herself to think about. One man in particular and she couldn't handle the thought of him at this point.

* * *

**AN:** So yeah, this chapter is long. :)

I would like to address something that I can see as being potentially frustrating, **so everyone please read this okay?** I don't want to have to reassure everyone after every chapter that this is, in fact, a Bella/James story. I've said that, and I meant it, and I have no intention of going back on my word. Please do not make me regret my decision to listen to you guys and make this into a J/B fic, because the plans I originally had for this story would _probably_ make you all hate me.

All I'm saying is if you enjoy this story, then trust me. There has to be some kind of plot for me to write a story at all, so let me do that without having to answer a hundred "is this a james/bella fic" questions. I've said it is, so yeah. Just understand that there has to be some kind of plot to this otherwise it's all just fluff and that's not what i'm here for.

thanks for reading guys :)


	43. Chapter 40

**AN:** So this is a giant chapter of sex. Just so you know. ;) I do not know how it turned out, because frankly, I can't bring myself to re-read it. I checked the paragraphs as I went for errors, but I may have missed some – so I'm sorry about that lol. But seeing as smut scenes are _not_ my forte, I am only capable of so much. While that part of me wanted to rush through it and move on, I knew that this was a very important scene. There was a lot behind it and I felt like it needed to really be it's own piece… So yeah. Um, that's it. You can skip if you want! All that happens is Carlisle's theory is correct, so yeah.

--

**NarratorPOV**

**Playlist:  
feist** x _how my heart behaves  
_**tori amos** x _white horses_  
**enya **x _fire and ice  
_**azure ray** x _we exchanged words_  
**lifehouse** x _hanging by a moment; you and me; sick cycle carousel; breathing; first time_  
**poets of the fall** x _stay_  
**red hot chili peppers **x _hard to concentrate_  
**secondhand serenade** x _vulnerable; half alive_  
**the wallflowers **x _if you never got sick_  
**aqualung** x _easier to lie_

Edward's feeling was minimal, at best, every sensory perception seeming weighed down, slow. It felt as if a palpable fog had settled around him. He knew where he was, of course, and whom he was with. He was aware of everything that happened, he just found himself helpless in his own body unless he threw a massive fight. And what was worse, whomever it was taking advantage of his body was entirely silent. Not a single whisper of a thought or a self-aware image. Nothing. He tried storing up energy, hoping that if he went without a fight for long enough, he could have saved enough of his stamina to fight it out for a while; maybe even win control back, but it didn't seem to be stocking up at all.

While he felt like he was failing at getting himself out of this, it certainly didn't seem as if Bella had been slacking off on her end; quite the opposite. Perhaps they had a chance to overcome this… issue.

His breath stuttered in his throat every time her lips contacted his skin. Her touch was scalding, dozens of degrees higher than his own, and he felt the remaining warmth long after her skin had left. He could feel some of the tiny shifts of her hand; he savored the caresses as he was allowed to. The mist started fading from the center of his vision, he darted his eyes around the room frantically. Peaceful orange early-morning light was leaking across the hardwood floors and covering the white walls with a heart-clenching glow. It shone in her hair, bringing out deeper, fierier honey colors in her hair; it curled around the contours of her face, making her seem more unreal than she did on her own. Sunspots interrupted his vision when she leaned back and studied his face; she was scanning his eyes the way she had been doing every few seconds. She was searching for him. The sunspots did brilliant things to her silhouette, Edward decided, he could see her long lashes as a dark, thin, elegant line against the gleaming orange and yellow light. Her lips had a faint sheen of moisture on them and she parted them somewhat. He lifted his eyes from her mouth to her gaze and swallowed. She studied his eyes carefully, wondering if the warm lighting was playing a trick on her vision.

Were his eyes gold or was it just the sunrise?

"Edward?" The mistrustful whisper reached and wrapped long, snarly tentacles callously around his heart and squeezed. Edward choked on a lungful of air at the fulminant pain. _She sounded so hopeless_.

**lifehouse** x _sick cycle carousel_

He attempted to open his mouth to respond but nothing came out; he wasn't even sure he'd successfully opened his mouth at all. He tried to get his vocal chords to vibrate meekly in his throat; a hum, a buzz, a growl. Anything would do. Edward had never in his life been terrified of silence, aside from this situation.

"_there's shame on her face that i think would kind of look like mine. if it had only to be my eyes. would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this? well here we go now, one more time_."

Her hope was faltering, he could see it in her eyes and in a desperate attempt to encourage her, Edward's hands flew up and clasped her face. Her eyes snapped up to his and she stared long and hard into them. _Hear me, Bella. God, please hear me._ Something locked inside of her and Bella's eyes became determined as Edward watched. She stood from her spot on the floor and moved her legs around his until she was nearly straddling him. Edward froze, halfway through swallowing, and waited; he followed her meticulously with his gaze. She moved like liquid, a lithe gracefulness untouched by the location or situation. She'd never been a graceful human but clearly vampire suited her. Everything she did appeared natural, easy and fluid and comfortable. Her fingers were on each of his cheekbones, her brown eyes scanning his thoughtfully. She lowered herself down onto him and he felt his back press against the cushion of the couch. He wanted to reach out and touch her; run his fingers through one of her soft curls, dance his index finger down her throat and collar bone, curve his palm against her hip and hold her closely against him. The igneous feel of her skin flat against his palm told him more than his consciousness did. He'd moved his hand of his own will. He was running the backs of his fingers down the side of her stomach as he realized it.

"_as I try to climb your steps, I try to chase you down."_

She felt like fire on his skin.

"_I try to see how low I can get down to the ground, I try to earn my way._"

He adjusted himself so he could look up into her eyes and found the action was simple, he hadn't needed to fight. He was gaining some granule of control. Thoughts were racing through his head. If there was a chance he would come out of this on his own, he couldn't have her go through with it. He shouldn't have her go through with it even if he didn't have a chance on his own. Inwardly, his bitterness was slicing through him with cutting reminders of his inadequacy and undeserving status. She'd leaned down was placing a teasing kiss on his bottom lip. He felt a tiny whimper escape his throat and wondered if she'd noticed. If she did, she made no sign of it. Or maybe she didn't want to interrupt progress, he figured.

"_I try to tame this mind. You better believe that I have tried to beat this._"

Her hands fell from his face as he turned his head to gain access to her mouth with his; he felt her fingertips graze his chest as they slipped away. His lips parted and she felt the tip of his tongue glide along her upper lip; she complied and suddenly his tongue invaded her mouth. He explored everything hungrily, slipping along and twining with her tongue. The rush of memory nearly knocked her off of him. The overheated emotions of a seventeen year old girl in love jetted through her body. The electrical charges their bodies had always had were humming to life somewhere deep in their bones.

**lifehouse** x _first time_

Something sparked to life in the back of her mind and she was returning the urgency of his kisses with her own. Her hands shook as they lifted and settled onto his chest. She needed to feel him, to rest her flushed body against his cool chest and feel him breathing. The need was so unflinching that she had trouble unbuttoning his shirt between her clumsy fingers. His hands slid up between hers and gripped the sides of most recent button she'd failed to conquer. He gave a rough yank and the last two buttons shot from the shirt and it fell around his shoulders. _She had to see._ Detaching her mouth from his mouth, she pulled back and let her eyes roam the broad scopes of his chest. Her quivering fingers started at his collarbone and slipped downward, slithering attentively along the defined lines of his torso. His shirt was red and it sat against his pale flesh in a brilliant show of confident wreckage. She moved it down his arms with her palms, feeling the slick muscles of his shoulders and biceps as she moved. Her mouth collided between his shoulder and neck, moving gently but swiftly as she nibbled her way over the ball of his shoulder. His groan vibrated throughout his chest and she reveled in the noise. As soon as Edward realized he'd made a deliberate, conscious noise, he snapped out of the trance her touches had him in. His arms shot up and he gripped her shoulders as he held her at a distance.

"_We're both looking for something we've been afraid to find. It's easier to be broken, it's easier to hide. __**Looking at you, holding my breath; for once in my life I'm scared to death**__ of taking a chance, letting you inside._"

He searched her eyes frantically. She couldn't possibly want to do this, not willingly and without necessity. He knew it, it had to be true. His voice didn't shake when he spoke, despite the churning in his guts. "Bella, don't do this."  
She huffed at him, the force of the air exiting her pink lips making some of her hair puff up quickly. "Edward, really now." She frowned at him and opened her mouth to say '_What choice do we have?_' But something had changed. His eyes were black again and he was looking at her as if she were a curious piece of art.

"_We're feeling alive all over again; eyes deep as the sky, you're under my skin. Like being in love felt for the first time. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm feeling right_."

"Goddammit!" She yelled at him, "Edward, if you interrupt the success of this one more time, I swear I will make it work just so I can beat the daylights out of you." She scowled at his blank face.

**enya** x _fire and ice_

Bella shut her eyes, took a few steadying breaths, and started over.

It took another half hour of gentle coaxing before his eyes returned to gold and Edward was able to move his hands along her body. He savored the taste of her mouth, plunging his tongue between her lips whenever he was given the opportunity. He didn't pull back again to try to talk her out of it.

If she would let him have his fantasy of being with her, he would take it. He would always wonder how sincere her actions were but it would be the best he could get. Perhaps this made him selfish; perhaps this made him an opportunist. Perhaps this meant he was using her. He hated the thoughts, he hated that they had any sort of foundation at all. But truth was truth, and Bella was not willingly giving herself to him; it didn't matter that it _was _her choice whether to do this or not, what mattered was she hadn't done it on her own.

And he would curse himself for the rest of his life for that. He'd spent more than ten years reliving their every second together, critiquing himself and finding thousands of ways he could have been better; to her, for her, with her. The mistakes he'd made piled up and up, filling his head with so many errors and would-be-take-backs that he barely had room for anything else.

**poets of the fall** x _stay_

_"Morning come slow today_._ Memories push through from yesterday._"

Bella was pressed against his chest; he ran his hands up and down her back beneath her shirt. He didn't attempt to push things; he was more than content to have her pressed against him with his cool hands on the tepid flesh of her back. Though it was getting harder to focus the longer they remained inactive. He tilted his head down towards hers, a sick sense of shame filling his body, and nudged her ear with the tip of his nose. She adjusted so his lips could brush against her sensitive cartilage as he spoke. He took a long breath before gathering the courage to just say it.

"_Where will I be tomorrow? What do I have to show from my life?"_

"I need to feel you. I need more than this."

She could hear the tone in his voice; he didn't mean what he was saying, not in the way he thought mattered. He was berating himself for his circumstances and she wanted to shake some sense into him. Instead of responding, she lifted herself from his chest and peered down at him over the bridge of her nose. His hands slid to her sides once it became awkward to hold onto her shoulders. She wrapped her hands on top of his and guided them to the hem of her shirt.

"_Stay -_

_I need you here for a new day to break."_

She didn't know how else to be more obvious, aside from removing the damn thing herself.

She didn't wait for an immediate action, she knew it wouldn't happen that way, so she leaned down and rubbed the side of her nose along the hard, structured angles of his face. He turned his head and caught her mouth between his lips. The intensity of his nibbling and exploring had her gasping for air as he maneuvered his way expertly in her mouth and along her throat. She vaguely felt the soft cotton of her blouse being lifted from her.

Edward pulled her shirt up without letting himself think about it. He wasn't quite at a point of such sexual excitement that he could forget the consequences; not yet, anyway. Every action left him feeling worse, every tender way he touched her and every quiet meeting of their eyes felt like a betrayal. He felt he was cheating Bella out of something, somehow. He didn't want to enjoy the smell of her body or the easy way her skin gave beneath his fingers or the tantalizing swell of her breasts in that lacey red bra.

"_Stay -_

_I want you near like a shadow in my wake."_

_Oh, Christ._ Against his will, he let out an appreciative sigh as his eyes took in the sight before him; the light cascaded across the plains of her skin and made her appear darker, more tan, than he knew she really was. The color looked good on her, brought out the sultry shades of brown that made up her hair and eyes; the fire-engine red of her bra lit up her body. He could see a light sheen of sweat starting to accumulate on her skin. Instinctually, he dragged his tongue up the stretch of skin between her breasts; the taste of her sweat caused venom to pool in his mouth.

He gulped it down and moved his mouth higher, planting firm, wet kisses from one side of her chest to the other, just beneath her collarbones.

**lifehouse** x _you and me_

She radiated with the early sunlight pouring in the windows, her skin reflecting the weak light, and he clung to her fiercely. His fingers dug into her flesh as he pulled her impossibly closer to him; he leaned back as far as he could and pulled her hips so she was kneeling instead of resting and he ravaged her stomach with his curious tongue. She tasted like something exotic and, at the same time, familiar. A full, hearty blend of spices and aromas that combined to make something more than words, more than taste buds and scents; he gradually came to realize that the rest of the room had vanished to him long ago.

"_I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you. And all of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you've got my head spinning – I don't know where to go from here."_

She'd absorbed him so thoroughly that he'd gained complete control of his body to his knowledge. The only way to know for certain was to attempt to refuse her. That would not go over well, it hadn't last time and he was certain she'd be less patient about it now that she'd had to do it twice.

**the wallflowers** x _if you never got sick_

He murmured her name against her hipbone, surprised at the husky, gravelly tone in his voice.

"_That ain't a parachute, that ain't a rip chord. That ain't a body of water we're headed for."_

"Edward." It was a statement of his name, the same as his had been of hers, _but it was so different._ Her voice had the weight of desperation, of raw need that hung in the air between them. His had been worship, a hymn sounded in awe to a God; his had been admiring and had been a willing plea, begging words falling from a royal mouth. He had no choice but to react, his body demanded immediate aggression. _His girl was calling for him,_ and by God, he was going to answer her if it killed him.

"_So little time left, so much to be done. Even you are gonna need someone_."

His slid his long fingers up her thighs, curling beneath her ass and lifting her up with him as he stood from the couch. The change in position rendered him immobile for a full ten seconds as he adjusted to the nearly-uncomfortable strain in his boxers. Bella wrapped her legs around his waist and massaged his lips with hers. As she nestled herself against him she moved down two and a half inches, locking her legs in place and settling herself right against the stretched material of his jeans. Now it was painful.

In a thrilling way.

"_That ain't a trick of light, or the morning haze comin' in from the lake, getting into your eyes. It's invisible breath of a storm on the rise that I feel whenever you arrive_."

He made the necessary motions to get them into her bedroom and he laid them both down on the silk sheets of her mattress. He pressed her down beneath him, pushing them up towards the headboard until they were entirely on the bed. Her tongue moved against his lips and he matched her intensity. He ran his hands up her sides and let his thumb graze the outside of her bra just along her breast and she shivered beneath him. Bella's hands traveled all over his torso and back, she dug her nails in and pulled long, deep scratches down his shoulder blades. Edward clenched his jaw tightly with each small transgression into violence as his own nails dug into the mattress beneath her.

Whenever the light would touch her face or when he would meet her eyes and lose himself, he felt the familiar ache of a secret begin building in his chest; enchanting words in long-forgotten languages mingled with his mumbles of pleasure and half-concealed moans. Confessions of his feelings hung between his lips like wind-chimes, waiting only for an encouraging breeze to spill their tinkling contents out into the open air.

**aqualung** x _easier to lie_

"_And who am I_

_to give you what you need_

_when I'm learning,"_

Her mouth moved along his neck, her teeth occasionally making a teasing appearance before vanishing quickly. Edward could feel the atoms in his body crying out for her as he maneuvered them on the plush comforter. A husky groan escaped his lips and Bella moved her thigh against him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Edward knew this was wrong. He knew that her touches fluttered across his body were deceptively intimate; she couldn't possibly be feeling the same way he was about this. How desperately he had wanted this for so long; how many times he had imagined her just like this! Nerves balled up in his stomach, a bubbling mixture of anticipation and impending doom. _God,_ he thought, _this isn't right_. He tugged his ear away from her mouth and pressed his nose against her forehead, smelling the sweet blend of her body wash and sweat. "Bella," the hushed breathlessness of his voice sent hot tingles through her. He took in a long breath through his nose, his next words falling from his tongue like bruised whispers between hoarse mourners. "God, Bella." His breath was ragged; she could almost hear his heart ripping in his chest. She lifted her fingers to graze along his jaw line. She met his eyes, taking a quieted peace in their butterscotch glow. She scanned the arrangement of his features, his furrowed brows, the hard crinkles around the edges of his eyes. "Bella, I can't ask this of you." He downcast his eyes and had to shift them to the side when his vision landed on her half-bare chest. She swallowed the sick lump in her throat; he shut his eyes tightly, "this is only going to make things harder, it will change too much for me."

"_just learning,_

_learning how to live_

_and to bear the weight?_

_It's easier to lie_."

Bella lifted her torso from the bed in a sleek half-crunch. He opened his eyes at her movement, unsure of what she was doing, and fell into her stare. She studied him in silence and he just looked back. Bit-by-bit he could feel the distance being put between his consciousness and his body, like the unfolding of a new map. He stared at Bella, willing to be lost to his possessor, to feel the watery submission cover his body, if it was because he was right in his belief that she didn't want this. He couldn't knowingly allow her to do this when it would irreparably change things; he didn't know what she wanted but it couldn't be this. What was important was _her_, not what she could sacrifice for _him_. The pressure was on his skin again, feeling like an attempt to squeeze him out of his own body. His vision was starting to fuzz out on the edges. "Edward," he focused his attention on her face, desperate to cling to the clear sight of her while it lasted. "I want to do this."

**red hot chili peppers** x _hard to concentrate_

She knew it was true; she wasn't ready or willing to admit it to anyone else yet. She could say it to him to get him back, she could swallow that. His eyes were a murky brown. "Edward, kiss me."

"_Our cells about to separate, I find it hard to concentrate._"

There was a millisecond in which Edward deliberated the unnerving possibility that she meant what she was saying, but the fog was resettling and he didn't have long to wait. He had to see her again, the need was irrefutable and fierce; it smothered out every rational thought he had. With a final push of willpower, he dropped his mouth to hers and let the smoldering flesh of her body warm his own. Control was returning to him and he buried the two of them between the sheets. Bella's slender digits roamed over the surface of his chest, plucking at his ribs as she slid them down to his belt. She tugged gently at the worn leather until she managed to unhook the buckle and pull it free of his jeans. She could almost hear her heart thudding through her; adrenaline was like that to vampire hearing. Every single inhale filled her lungs with his musk; her eyes rolled into the back of her head as he slid his hand beneath the lace of her bra. He gave a gentle squeeze as they both groaned weakly. He pulled his hand back and used it to unclasp the hooks on the back of her bra; with a flick, they released and his chilly fingers were sliding the straps from her shoulders. His breath was coming in short stutters as he removed her torso of the soft lace. Bella was topless beneath him but Edward closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her forehead as he fought urges that were unacceptable. _God, help me,_ he thought. So many things ran through his mind. He wanted to beg her to forgive him for the terrible man he used to be, for the humiliating and vicious way he not only left her, but the way he'd treated her during their time together. He wanted to tell her how he'd spent every day picking apart his actions and finding every sized mistake he'd ever made. He was in love with her, he wanted her to know; but he kept the burden silent, an unspoken flourish of extravagance that he let himself pretend she was aware of.

"_Death defying, this mess I'm buying. It's raining down with love and hate.  
Our hearts about to palpitate, and I'm not about to hesitate._"

Edward's lips were pressed firmly against her forehead and he seemed to be hesitating on his decision. Bella let her hands glide along his sides, moving down to run her fingers along his tantalizing hip-bones. The definition of his frame was stunning. She locked her fingers around the button of his jeans and rapidly undid it. She lifted her eyes to his face, asking for permission beneath her long eyelashes. Edward just watched her, his expression a motley of shock and fascination; she thought she saw terror in it but wasn't completely sure. Old feelings were starting to resurface; functioning desires pulled from years and years ago, desires she thought had faded a lifetime ago. A rush of uninhibited teenage excess propelled Bella upward, she took her time snaking in the direction of his mouth; she dragged her mouth over his chest hungrily, licking along flawless ridges until she reached his neck. She kissed him full on the mouth, her lips parted and her tongue expectantly waiting just behind her teeth. He responded to her almost barbarically, his hands suddenly ravenous to seek out completion along her curves. They moved together on the bed, he rolled over so he was sitting with his back pressed against the wrought iron headboard with Bella nestled on his lap. He admired the view for a long moment, her entire torso bare and exposed to him in the flush of morning light. He let his hands wander over her stomach and sides, his fingers trailing passage up her arms and down her collar bones. With uncertain, nervous hands he caressed her, Bella watching his movements from her perch on his lap. He seemed so careful, so appreciative of where he was. She found it hard to compare this man to the man she knew so long ago. Oddly, he had the same delicious bronze hair; he kept the length almost the same, slightly longer and shaggier but not too much. Occasionally a stray chunk of his hair would fall into his face and cover his caramel eyes but she would brush it aside and continue to absorb the intensity and devotion with which he devoured her quietly.

"_All I want is for you to be happy, to take this moment and make you my family.  
Finally you have found someone perfect, finally you have found yourself._"

Bella had always been a slender creature, Edward remembered, but the body that straddled him this night was that of a goddess. She had the perfect curves, narrow waist and dainty bone structure; her flesh was stretched delicately over lithe, sinewy muscles. Every miniscule ounce of fat that had been hiding cleverly over her frame as a human was gone now, raked out by a strictly regulated metabolism meant to process only what was essential for survival and everything else was burned up in her energy stores. It left her body tight and supple beneath his hands and he enjoyed every inch of her he could get his hands on. His caresses became more demanding over time, a gentle squeeze here and there tightening with the tremendously overwhelming aftershocks of her touch on his inner thigh or hip bone. Bella seemed to grow tired of his exploration of her, or at least of how one-sided it was, and she decided to demonstrate her growing cravings by swooping in and nibbling on the thin skin of his neck as she ground her hips against his. The friction was unbelievable, he never wanted her to stop; his left hand bolted up to tangle his digits into the long curls of her hair. He moaned faintly into her shoulder as she rolled her hips forward, pulling her upper spine in the opposite direction and stretching out her chest right before his eyes. His free hand went to her small breast, kneading tenderly and flicking at the swollen nipple with his thumb. A whimper escaped her and he slid the same hand down and around her back; he pulled her towards him again as he rose up to suck her bottom lip into his mouth. He guided their bodies backwards so he was over her once again, his mouth plundering hers as if he would find everything he'd ever desired somewhere inside. He pulled away from her only long enough to remove her jeans, tossing them off the bed before he returned to ravish her puffy, red lips.

"_Do you want me to show up for duty? To serve this woman and honor her beauty?_"

Bella wriggled down, away from his mouth, and re-started the task of removing his own jeans. Octagons of refracted light bounced from their skin, small explosions of color like fireworks against the pallor of their skin, made less noticeable by the sunscreen they had both been wearing and was now being sweated off of their bodies. She pulled the zipper down slowly, meeting his eyes with a dramatic tilt-back of her head, and slid her hands between the jeans and his boxers. She slid the pants down and, once he had pulled both legs out, tossed them off the bed as well. He laid her back down, resting on his side beside her, and let his fingers dance along the inside of her thigh, inching up to her matching lace panties as he went. He left feather-light memories of his touch along her hips before he let himself touch the alluring material. He sneaked his fingers beneath the lace and smothered her mouth with his as his thumb grazed her sensitive sex. Crying out, Bella pushed her mouth up harder against his for a short moment. She shifted, resting also on her side with the length of her body pressed against him, facing the same direction he was. His hand stayed where it was until she got comfortable and then he slid his index and middle finger down further, gliding along the slickness before pressing against her. She writhed beneath him and he pressed his middle finger inside of her slowly, agonizingly drawing out the pleasure she was thoroughly aware of. He moved his agile digits against her for minutes that felt like days, never quite letting her go over the edge; every buck of her hips ended against his and the motion was thrilling. Halfway through his exploration of her, he'd paused so he could slide her panties down over the swell of her hips and the smooth expanse of her thighs. The show had been exquisite but by the time he'd tossed the article of clothing aside, he was grateful to be advancing his way back to her. He had begun teasing her intentionally to get her to grind her hips against him before realizing that his erection was starting to cause him pain. "Bella," he moaned into her ear, his mouth brushing against the silky strands of her hair. He'd gotten her name out only to realize he had no idea _what to say_. He thanked whatever God there was when Bella turned her body to face him and she pushed him onto his back. He adjusted the pillow beneath his head and watched her curiously as she removed his boxers in the same fashion he'd removed her panties. He watched the way her eyes glanced over him on their way to meet his gaze and he wondered what she was thinking. She moved her body gracefully, straddling him once again; the lack of clothing between them was shocking as her moist skin met with his. She rolled her hips once and the motion drove him wild, he gripped the comforter beside them and felt it tear just with the strain his fingers were putting on it. She repeated the motion a few more times, each time getting progressively more terrible and erotic. Without warning, he sat up and pulled her closer to his chest, his fingers entwining with the roots of hair at the base of her skull as he slammed his mouth against hers. She moaned against his tongue and he couldn't fight himself; his free hand lifted her so she was just above his tip, he could feel himself pressing firmly against her entrance and his body pleaded with him to _just push in_. He gasped for each lungful of air he could pull in, the sweet smell of her body and her arousal filling his nose with such undiluted potency that he nearly convulsed beneath her.

"_Now I'll do my best to recreate"_

"Edward," the syllables of his name had never sounded sensual before but as they passed from her wet lips to his sensitive ear, he wondered if there had ever been a more sexual word in the history of language. Lungful after lungful of air exited his mouth in a series of miserable, needy whimpers. He wasn't prepared for how urgently his body required her, how hot his body was beneath her and how fiercely he wanted to claim her. He fought to get the words out but managed, with gasps for air every few syllables as he strained against the minimal effort that he needed to enter her. "Tell me you want this." He hadn't said it as a rough, dirty phrase but his voice was gruff and uncivilized, raw with lascivious want. He was pleading with her to free him of the guilt he was feeling, pleading with her to let him have his cake and eat it to. She realized, as her lips parted with the beginnings of speech, that she wanted a piece of that cake.

"_Sweet precision and soft collision…"_

"I want this, Edward. I want you." She lowered herself, feeling him slip inside of her and stretch out her aching heat; she realized, as she felt him pressing in further than she was used to, that _Edward was larger than James._ The notion struck her as humorous in the fragile state her sanity was in, but she smothered the grin and focused entirely on the difference. When she'd gotten all the way down her entire body felt as if it had expanded, her muscles contracting around him as she adjusted to the full length and width of him. He seemed more patient now, with his forehead resting against her collar bone and his breath coming in big, indulgent gulps. His cool lips pressed against her burning skin, moving swiftly from one side to the other in an over-achieving attempt to cool down her chest. Still, it felt wonderful. She arched her back, inadvertently rolling her hips, and allowed him more convenient access to her torso. He obliged, a murmured groan of soft pleasure vibrating against her ribcage where his lips met her skin. He slid his tongue up, twisting it beneath the swell of her breast and letting his cooler body temperature sooth her. He kissed his way between her breasts, sucking softly just above the right one before moving his mouth down to wrap around her nipple. When he let his teeth graze the sensitive area, she let out a heavy moan. His hands cupped her hips as she began a rhythm; he fought the urge to buck up to her, to push every last inch of himself into her until neither of them could remember they had ever been separate creatures. Her rhythm picked up and she lifted herself upward and he cried out at the sheer pleasure that rocked his body. When she pushed herself back down, taking him in once again inch by inch, he stopped breathing, his body not quite sure how to process the ecstasy that was overtaking him. Her body was tight around him, clinging to his hardness and twitching every time she felt a wave of euphoria. His arms scrambled to gather her up in them, hugging her tightly to his chest as they adapted and created a mutual rhythm. His body was humming with the electrical energy that pounded through their open-mouthed kisses and frantic caresses. Every lift and press of her hips made him writhe beneath her, every nerve ending in his body buzzing with a nearly obsessive cry for a touch or a kiss or a breath.

"_Our hearts about to palpitate."_

Sex was one thing, something he'd never put much intricate thought to; but this, this was something different. He wasn't experiencing this, he _was _this. Everything that happened between them was natural, a growing and building and shivering mass that acted on instinct and hunger alone. He was a different creature because of this, he felt higher and lower at the same time, better and damaged. The thought that eventually it would end never passed through his mind, the sexuality of their actions was enough. Any thoughts of orgasm were lost in the shuffle. So when a swelling, electric tidal wave began riding its way through his spinal column, surprised was an understatement. This hadn't been about climaxing, but here he was anyway, riding the wave. Without any premeditation, his hand slid between their connecting bodies and his thumb rubbed lightly on a tiny little swollen bud; he focused his attention on finding _just the right_ way to move his thumb against her. His orgasm receded, discouraged by his lack of attentiveness to it, but he didn't mind. He hadn't been ready for things to be over, yet, anyway. He lifted his thumb to his mouth and licked it, the sweet taste of her exploding like mini-atom bombs on his tongue and he quickly moved his thumb back to where it had been. The extra moisture allowed him a more natural caress and he looked up to meet Bella's open, salacious eyes. She watched him focus so completely on her and was quickly distracted by the consuming shocks of an orgasm. Her eyelids fluttered uncontrollably as she ran a hand through her hair to pull it from her face; the spasms of her body shaking her thoroughly until she screamed against his neck. Beneath her, the constricting waves of her climax brought his own orgasm rushing forward until he let out a throaty growl and stretched his neck to look at the ceiling. Wave after wave after wave of erotic after-shocks rocked his body every time he felt them go through her. She was limp against his chest, her face buried in the crook of his neck, her eyes closed. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, keeping her against him. They were both panting and sweaty, their skin slick with it everywhere they touched. He breathed in the scent of her to calm the riots in his head.

"_Now I find it hard to separate."_


	44. Chapter 41

**AN:** so this may be a bit hard to read at first; I wrote James' reaction to the events about three times before I realized that I just couldn't say it right. These songs, however, I felt did a decent job expressing the domino-effect of his reaction. :) While there are lyrics throughout the rest of the chapter, they aren't nearly as … much of an interruption, I suppose. They're shorter, anyway. lol.

**Playlist:**  
**my chemical romance** x _I'm not okay_  
**zebrahead** x _enemy; the set up; karma flavored whiskey_  
**green day **x _horseshoes and handgrenades; murder city  
_**the rasmus** x _shot_  
**the wallflowers** x _god says nothing back_

--

**NarratorPOV**

"_I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay now. You really need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth; I mean this, I'm okay. __**Trust me. I'm not okay.**__ I'm not okay, I'm not oh-fucking-kay_."  
**my chemical romance** x _I'm not okay_

Images like a stuttering film reel played against the backdrop of terror that froze his thoughts into silence. Skin; her skin. Red silk sheets and sheens of sweat reflecting the brilliant warm light of sunrise. Fragments of light reflected off their skin, prisms of color exploding around them in a show of heart-breaking magnitude. The sensation that seemed to be building in his throat was not a scream, it wasn't panic or fear. James retched into the toilet bowl, stomach acid and swallowed venom spewing from his nose as he felt his lunch erupt from his mouth in a slimy, chunky mess.

Smooth tendrils of her chocolate brown hair fell around her bare shoulders, shielding the gentle glimmer of her skin where it landed; he watched as the curl twisted and wrapped around her breast, framing her body in one of the most naturally beautiful ways he'd ever seen.

"_It really don't take that much to bleed, it really don't take that much. She is my bad habit; she's like my own disease. Sleeping with the enemy. She is my bad habit, consuming all of me. Sleeping with the enemy. Taking over, infecting me. My veins are filled with her. She's slowly killing me. It really don't take that much to bleed. She keeps a ring upon her finger and a knife up her sleeve; when her lips are loaded and she's gunnin' for me – __**it really don't take that much to bleed. She is my bad habit, feels like my own disease. She's sleeping with the enemy**__._"  
**Zebrahead** x _enemy_

And he wasn't there; he wasn't _supposed_ to be seeing this.

_Let me be hallucinating_, he prayed to no one in particular, anyone who would listen. _Let me be imaging this. Don't let it be true, whatever happens; do not let this be true._

Her fingers tangled in chunks of bronze hair, pale hands grasped her thin waist and he could see the soft indents of the fingers pressing into her skin.

"_You never told me 'til the pressure started building; you never told me I was wrong, I was right, I was right. You never told me 'til the building started shaking, now I'm surrounded on all sides. __**Lie to me; tell me that everything will be all right.**__ Lie to me; don't say it didn't mean anything. Lie to me. The killing joke 'cause your smile was the calm before the storm and the ties that bind have been torn. // You take this for granted, right? And I never wanted anybody else. You took this all for granted, you took it all. Take it all. Lie to me, tell me that everything will be all right._"  
**zebrahead** x _the set up_

The refracted light was everywhere, filling the gaps between their bodies with tiny bursts of brightness and color. James felt his breakfast come up through his throat and spurt from his mouth. _This couldn't possibly get any worse_. His head was starting to hurt with the pressure of his attempts to shut out the visions.

"_If this is it, then I've given all I can. The road that leads to nowhere is falling in my hands. If this is it, then the needle has been found; the haystack is long gone and the world's turned upside down. // Out come the wolves, out come the wolves, out come the wolves. __**Cave in, just surrender; you know you're already six feet down.**__ Cave in, just surrender; 'cause you don't know where to go from here._"  
**zebrahead** x _karma flavored whiskey_

Her lips shone with a layer of moisture, her teeth pinched her bottom lip gently. She threw her head back, her hair fanning out with the sudden motion before falling gracefully around her other shoulder.

The snapshot images freeze-framed in time in his head; one, then the next, then the next. Bella's skin, _his_ hair, their mouths; searing pain tore through James' veins. The images paled, becoming a watermark against the sight of reality; never really going away, just fading into the background. He could see his hands shaking through the locks of brown hair that clouded his sight.

**green day** x _horseshoes and handgrenades_.

A pitiful whimper escaped him as he tried to disconnect himself from the images. His gift was a live news feed directly into his consciousness; it was unthinkably painful attempting to sever the tie. A splitting headache tore through his skull, shards of hot splintered needles puncturing his brain.

"_I'm gonna burn it all down.  
I'm gonna light it up…"_

Knowledge didn't work that way, and he was left with fragments of half-sentences and misarranged vowels. He couldn't piece together a reason for her actions; and was left with nothing but images and the whispers of feelings that came with them. She certainly hadn't been uninterested in what was going on, if the images were correct she was the one _on top_. She'd taken care with him, taken long stretches of time. Both of their lips were swollen and pink, sheens of sweat glistened on their skin.

But Bella wasn't ready for this; she'd gone off to be alone. Why would this be happening?  
What was he doing to her? How could he be manipulating her?

It had been ten days since he'd thought about her and learned of her intentions to come home. It had been four days since her departure date and she certainly wasn't on a plane.

The burn of a bitter realization shot through his bones like a jolt of electricity.  
_Maybe Bella went there to meet up with him, not to be alone_.

James became incensed. His vision blurred and his throat was suddenly very hoarse; there was a ringing in his ears like a high-pitched shrill. Distantly, he felt the impact of the side of his arm colliding with the shower door as he swung his arms back in a bestial roar; he could feel the caving of the glass as it fell against his arm and cascaded to the floor.

"_Almost only really counts in horseshoes and hand grenades._  
_Demolition. Self-destruction…"_

She could have fucking told him. She could have told him why she wanted to go. She could have told him why she'd decided to stay.

But she didn't tell him, and she probably wouldn't if she wasn't forced to. She would probably go on with her life there until she got bored and then she'd come back to him.

And he would take her back _because that was simply how much of a tool he was._ He realized he had never used to be like this; he raged to himself,_ I've never been so fucking pussy-whipped in my life._

"_I'm not fucking around._"

A shadow of the feelings attached to the stream of images began to seep into his skin. Like an infection, he could feel it crawling deeper into his muscles.

**green day** x _murder city_

Whatever had led them to be in that bed, Bella had gone willingly. There wasn't an ounce of regret in all of her responses to the situation.

"_I'm wide awake after the riots; this demonstration of our anguish."_

Things just go so much worse.

"_Everything's falling apart; you can't control me, you can't control me. Now I can't see you, doesn't matter what I do, can't see you 'cause everything's falling apart. Got exposed to a different form of infection, shout out, I'm an exception._"  
zebrahead x _falling apart_

_--_

**the rasmus** x _shot_

"_tonight we escape - just you and me."_

Edward rolled over onto his other side to check the alarm clock on the bedside table. They had been lying in bed for around five minutes, Bella resting in the welcome shelter of Edward's arms; but it was inching toward ten-thirty AM and neither of them knew how long he would have control for. Edward moved to get up and, in doing so, offered an easy kiss to her forehead. He wandered around the room in search of their clothing, finding nearly all of it at the foot of the bed. He set her clothes at her feet before he began tugging his own on. Bella watched him move, unsure of how she was supposed to feel. On one hand, she'd just had brilliant sex with a beautiful man she cared about. On the other hand, she'd just had sex with a beautiful man she cared about, who was not James.

"_we'll find our peace, somewhere across the seas"_

She didn't regret what they'd just done; how could she? They had been destined to do it since they first met, that was for certain, but there was something terribly wrong about them being forced to. She supposed there was no stopping fate; what it wanted, it got. At least she hadn't cheated on James, she thought, things _could_ have been more unsettling. She couldn't help but sigh to herself; the only reason their actions didn't classify as cheating was _because_ of James. In an effort to be encouraging, he had told her that he would consider them on a break; he'd said he didn't want to hold her back from being her own woman. Part of her said '_so you went ahead and fucked your ex just because you could._' Edward had just slid his arms into his button-up shirt only to realize it was missing some of its buttons. At her sighing, he looked up at her and when she met his gaze, his eyes were sad.

"_enough of the fight, enough of the fuss."_

"I'm warning you."

Bella blinked once, thoroughly confused, before quirking her elegant little eyebrow at him. "Warning me about –" She was interrupted by a rather unpleasant knocking on the door. She could feel the vibrations of it through the entire house. Her eyes shot to the bedroom door, wide open, and she stared at the part of the front door she could see from the bed. Suddenly, she was very grateful that the front of the house didn't have any windows. She looked back at Edward, holding her breath in a moment of panic, and his eyes never changed.

"Just be prepared, all right? He's off his handle." Edward pressed a gentle kiss to her hairline and walked out of the door.

"_I'll be awake if he finds us. needless to say, I'll stand in your way."_

Bella scrambled on the silk sheets of the bed, grasping at the first thing she could pull on herself to cover up. Her limbs moved slower in her panic, she could feel the pressure of the air moving across her skin as if she were swimming in deep water; each movement felt like slow-motion, like she was in a dream. She pulled the red sheet off the bed as she stumbled for her footing, and wrapped it quickly around herself as she bolted from the room. The problem with being slowed down by panic, even though your movements are still faster than human, when you're a vampire is simple: there are always other vampires around that _aren't_ in slow motion, and if your goal had been to beat them to something you were bound to fail. Even if they weren't using their super-speed.

"_I'll give my life for you."_

She skidded to a halt halfway across the living room as Edward met her gaze. Something in his eyes changed, something hardened and he straightened his shoulders as he pulled the door open. Edward and James faced off for a long moment, both of them straight-backed with their chins up and their eyes narrowed. There was something beautiful about the moment; a thing that went beyond their ethereal beauty and power. They both radiated pride, it tainted the air with a sickly sweet aroma and Bella held her breath. She could smell pheromones miles away, being in the same room as what was pushing off of those two men was nearly smothering. James was of even height to Edward, but he was thicker and more solid where Edward's frame was sinewy and lean. James had always been the perfect combination of Emmett and Edward; he had the lean waist and smaller bone structure of Edward, but his chest was larger than Edward's, more muscular. Though James could never compare to Emmett's massive proportions, Bella had always thought James' body type was the better of the two.

"_enough of the hell, enough of the pain."_

Bella almost wished she could hear her heartbeat again; at least it was a giveaway when she was teetering on the edge of consciousness.

Without warning, James growled and flew at Edward; they twisted as they both shot through the air and when they collided with the wall it nearly caved in around them. There was a loud silence in Bella's head as they grappled with each other; James swung and Edward ducked, narrowly missing the blow.

"Get off him, James!" Bella moved toward them, the soft whisper of silk on hardwood floors tearing James' eyes away from Edward long enough for Edward to shove him forcefully into the open front door. James' spine hit hard and Bella screamed at the noisy _crunch_ of the impact. She moved toward James and he opened his eyes, when their eyes locked she froze where she stood; her entire body felt paralyzed by what she saw prowling around behind the promising green of his eyes.

"Cullen, I will rip your throat out if you come any closer." It wasn't so much a statement of fact as a threat; one James could certainly carry out, but it wasn't meant to unnerve him. It was meant to terrify him. There was a cryptic way he was speaking, something dank and monstrous in his voice. She wondered if James had snapped.

**the wallflowers** x _god says nothing back_

He towered over her, his emerald eyes ablaze like a comet in the night sky. He hadn't shaved and his scruff was dark around his jaw, his hair was shaggy over his face and seemed to be just a little bit too long. She wanted to reach up and brush it from his forehead, to feel the soft strands glide between her fingers. Her breath caught in her throat when she looked at him, she could feel her entire body responding to his presence. Her knees quivered beneath her weight but she stood her ground. She crossed her arms over her chest. He stepped closer, their bodies a hair's-breadth apart and she tilted her head back to meet the terrifying look in his eyes. She stood her ground firmly, planting her feet supportively beneath her and straightening her back. She clung to the sheet for dear life.

"_Seems like the world's gone underground; no gods or heroes dare to go down. Tear drops from a hole in heaven come overhead like ravens, dropping down like bombs." _

James stepped forward, Bella stepped back. Forward again, back again; they did this until Bella had no where else to step, her back pressed against the cool white wall. She felt his name vibrate through her lips, a quiet murmur only he would hear. A flicker of sorrow passed through his eyes but he didn't back down. "This won't change things." She wasn't sure why she said it, it was as if her subconscious had tapped into her voice and was pupating it around until it was finished. James stared into her, she had the odd sensation that someone was caressing her _soul_.

"_Through the mornings silver frosted glow, God says nothing back but 'I told you so, I told you so'."_

He cringed and stepped back from her, shoving his hands into his pants and letting his gaze rest on the floor in silence. Bella stepped closer to him, uncertain of the meaning behind his stance. "James, it's not the way it appears." She hated that phrase, she'd always thought it was the worst thing to say in such a situation; couldn't the innocent come up with a more convincing start?

Yeah, she supposed, the _innocent_ probably could.

She watched James take a few steadying breaths, the rise and fall of his chest making her want to step closer; the desire to fall against him was overwhelming. How she'd missed him. Her heart twisted in its ribcage, stretching and pulling on its own restrictions as she fought to keep herself where she stood. Part of her reacted to James in a way that Edward could never encourage in her; there was a part of her that desperately needed James. He lifted his eyes to her and she felt like she was burning at the stake; there was so much fury in his stare, so much pain and vehemence.

His voice broke through the silence like a bomb, ricocheting off the walls and echoing down the hallways; the power of the roar shook the glass in the windows. "I told you so! I fucking told you!"

"_Still waters rising in my mind, black and deep; smoke behind my eyes. Last night I could not sleep at all._"

Every cell in his body quaked as he yelled, his splitting headache pounded harshly against his skull and he fought the urge to flinch. He scowled at her, furious and hurt and betrayed. His chest felt as if someone had ripped it open, his ribs felt shattered and ragged; his heart could have been on fire for all the agony he was feeling. They'd talked about this, years ago, _and he'd told her this would happen_. He'd told her she loved Edward more than she would ever love him; she'd argued, saying that Edward was long gone and she had no desire to go through the motions with him again. She'd soothed his paranoia, wrapping herself up in his arms as she sat on his lap and they stared out at the setting sun. She'd cooed softly in his ear, whispering how much she loved him until he finally cracked a smile and kissed her nose.

_He'd been right._

He hated when he knew things and chose to believe otherwise; he raged within himself for ever being stupid enough to think she would know what she was talking about. He knew what he was talking about, he always knew; it was a curse as much as it was a gift. And today, it was threatening to kill him.

"_I hallucinated that you were in my arms. To be in your heart, I filled my own._"

Bella met his eyes, never flinching or giving way to any sign of regret. He took in a shaky breath, watching the way her expression shifted to conceal her agony at seeing him this way. It didn't matter. She'd made her choice, hadn't she?

"_Love says nothing back but 'I told you so; I told you so'._"

He stepped toward her again, continuing the methodical steps until he was right against her once more.

**the rasmus** x _shot_

"Do you want him?" His voice was empty, a vessel to export the words from his mind and nothing more. Emotionless.  
"James, it's not like that. I –" his hands wrapped around her upper arms and he slammed her into the wall. Particles and chunks from the ceiling rained down around them; the wind was knocked out of her for the shortest instant.  
"Don't lie to me!" His voice, though low, oozed anguish. The stoic James was gone for the moment. Now he was fuming, the rage boiling up inside of his veins and spreading through his body.

"_I won't let him touch you; I love you._"

"Look, James, maybe you should calm down." Edward was speaking softly, meant to be reassuring instead of demanding or confrontational. Something about Edward had matured since she remembered him. If anyone had gotten this close to her with a boiling temper like this those twelve years ago, Edward would have torn them limb from limb.

He did, once.

"_Needless to say, I'll stand in your way."_

Silence rang in the small house. James stared down at Bella, their eyes locked as he searched hers for something she wasn't sure would be in there. He wanted to believe he was crazy; he wanted her to tell him it wasn't true. She didn't flinch beneath his stare, though her entire body was beginning to riot against her. Pretty soon she would start shaking uncontrollably. Then she would probably catch fire. When she was terrified, she reverted to _flight or fight_ and it always ended up _burst into flame_. Though it was a rare occurrence anymore.

He narrowed his eyes and seemed to pulse with anger, impossibly more rage and malice. If she had use of her tear ducts, she would be sobbing silently. She was grateful for the small amount of pride she took from not sobbing.

"You fucked him?" He pulled back, his lips forming a sick snarl as he ripped his eyes from hers. He was in so much pain, she could see it as if it was stenciled over his skin; intricate paths, vines spinning up and around and out, branching off and expanding. Ivy climbing over him, tightening and thickening until it crushed his bones.

"Yes."

The rage was back. She supposed it was better than seeing him in so much pain; angry James was easier to handle when it meant she didn't have to feel the violent ripping in her chest when he looked at her like she was digging his heart out with a spoon.

He turned to her again, his voice nothing more than a raw, guttural howl. "Why?"  
"It was necessary."  
"Fuck you, it was necessary! _You wanted to fuck him!_"

"_I will defend you, and I, I'll make it stop._"

She fought a shiver as his words tore through her, ripping at muscle and tearing it from bone until she felt like she was hanging together by damaged ligaments and cartilage. Now she was getting angry; she could feel a growl rising in her throat. A shift in her vision, almost a full change in the white balance of a photo, told her that her eyes were giving her away.

"_**I'll take the shot for you**_."

Neither of them was paying enough attention, so when Edward's long fingers curled around the top of James' shoulder, James spun himself around and threw the single hardest punch Bella had ever seen; the impact with Edward's jaw resounded in a sickening, wet snap of bone and splattering of blood. Bella thought she saw a tooth fly from Edward's mouth as red spots hit the wall and front door in a long sweep. She watched the blood slide down the wall, the droplets getting smaller as they went down. A pitiful cry escaped her lips and she shoved passed James to crumple to Edward's side on her knees, lifting his face into her lap and brushing the hair from his eyes. She inspected the damage, careful not to touch the tender area.

Edward looked up at her and shook her off, sitting up and gripping his jaw firmly in his hand. He righted it, a grunt of discomfort escaping his mouth, and waited. He wiped his mouth clean of his blood and spit out what remained in his mouth once his jaw began to stitch itself back together. No missing teeth, it seemed.

"_Enough of the scars, enough broken hearts._"

Bella was on her feet in an instant; she rushed James and slammed him, hard, against the wall behind him. Parts of the ceiling fell in around them. She growled low in his ear, "I get what your fucking problem is, James, but now is not the fucking time. _Just think about it, you fucking asshole_."


	45. Authors note

**AN:**

I find it rather odd that the two chapters that get not only the most hits, but the most visitors, in the entire history of my story (except for the prologue) are the two chapters that i do not get a _single_ review or PM about.

I was incredibly nervous and uncomfortable posting chapter 40 because of the nature of the chapter; I was hoping not to feel so uneasy about it once I got a few reviews, even if they were just for the following chapter. That's why I posted two at the same time. I just wanted to hear back from a few people, either telling me that it was horrible or great or mediocre or uninteresting or that they'd simply overlooked it. Anything. Or not mention it at all, I didn't fucking care.

Just acknowledgment that I posted.

Accumulated, I spent twelve hours writing those chapters. I go out of my way to make sure I can post them for you guys. I think, despite the difficulty I have being able to post, I have done a rather fantastic job of starting up with the posts again. I went from not a single post for months, to multiple posts per week.

Almost like I used to post before.

I just find it odd that usually I get a review or a PM within the first hour or two of posting a chapter. Chapter 40 was also the longest chapter in the history of my posted chapters, coming in at over 7000 words. So I didn't check my email for the rest of the night, figuring that it was something that was going to take people a long, long time to read. It took me a good seven or more hours to write. So I understood not getting any reviews immediately.

I am just bothered by it. And who knows, maybe everyone just wasn't on FF yesterday. That would be strange, but possible. _And that is perfectly fine_. I am just paranoid because of how uneasy posting chapter 40 made me. Now i'm convinced that I've upset you all and no one is going to keep reading.

All I'm saying is that I'm putting out a lot of effort for this story and I would appreciate some feedback. **I'm not pissed off, I'm not saying you **_**have**_** to review. **Just that it is important to me to hear back from the people reading my work. Hit and visitor numbers are just numbers; they don't mean someone is reading, they don't mean someone is enjoying.

If you can, try to review please. Like I said, I spend _hours_ on this story and when I spend as much time on it as I did for those last two chapters, it's a huge disappointment to come back and find not a word from anyone. I made the efforts to revive this story because, even when it was dead, I got reviews and PMs from people encouraging me and asking me (politely) to start writing again because they enjoyed it. I started this story for me, but I'm finishing it for you guys.

I just don't want to be posting things I work so hard on to an empty audience, you know? If I'm going to be posting to an empty audience, i'm going to write up a chapter in half an hour and not care if it makes sense or is interesting or furthers the plot. I may not even post at all if I start to believe no one is enjoying it enough to take a moment to say "hey, thanks for posting".

Just saying.

I will be back in a few hours to post chapter 42.


	46. Chapter 42

**AN:** The first time I wrote this chapter, my computer crashed and I lost all of it. Five and a half hours of writing; seven pages, 7000 words. Yeah.

**Playlist: **(this will also be part of the playlist for chapter 43)  
**green day** x _christian's inferno; peacemaker; she's a rebel_  
**muse** x _supermassive black hole_  
**less than jake** x _short fuse burning_  
**porcelain and the tramps** x _gasoline; king of the world_  
**I hate kate** x _the thrill_  
**the living end** x _hey hey disbeliever; raise the alarm_  
**korn** x _freak on a leash_  
**shiny toy guns** x _ricochet_  
**afi** x _miss murder_  
**the exies** x _what you deserve_  
**the rasmus** x _shot_

**note**: lyrics are centered, in quotations, and italic.

**NarratorPOV**

"_I do this to myself, me and no one else around me. Tell me how to break free. I'm to blame and that's what really hurts; that's what really hurts. You get what you deserve. I can't get it out of my head; I hear the words that you said to me_."  
**the exies** x _what you deserve_

**REWRITE**

The sky was just beginning to adopt stray stretches of the orange lighting of sunset when the three of them stepped out of the house and climbed into the waiting taxi cab. Silence filled the small space, broken only when James spoke softly to the driver; the short cab ride felt like a lifetime sitting between the two of them. When they pulled up at the drop-off for the small airport, James got out first and made his way to the driver's window. He paid the fare and, as Bella crawled from the cab, Edward mumbled a few things to himself in a language Bella didn't recognize. She stood up and shut the door, turning just in time to see James slowly raise his eyes to Edward; a low, menacing growl parted his lips but he kept it quiet enough that humans couldn't hear. Clearly, James understood whatever language Edward had been speaking. She kicked Edward in the shin as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and headed into the airport; he ignored her and continued on.

James walked around the cab and came to her side, tossing his arm around her shoulders as he did so and stepping forward. When Bella didn't start walking with him, he turned and studied her face carefully. She dropped her shields and watched understanding creep into his eyes; while _she_ knew his actions were only idle affection, small gestures between two people who were used to providing comfort to the other after a fight, _Edward_ would see it as James staking a claim or attempting to influence Bella.

There was nothing possessive about the way James had his arm around her shoulders, but it wouldn't matter. James dropped his arm and averted his gaze; but Bella had seen something there, something shifting in the green traps of his eyes. A prowling anger, she'd never seen it before.

**the living end** x _hey hey disbeliever_

James blamed Edward for _everything_. For ever responding to his name in the street, for irresponsibly rushing head-first into the first situation with the Volturi, for not being powerful enough to keep a possessor out. He saw Edward as a handicap to them, someone who wasn't of the same rank or capacity and who would, in all likelihood, only slow them down or risk their lives. James wasn't mad with _her_ because he was shifting guilt onto someone else.

"_hey, hey disbeliever, you're bleeding me dry. Come on now, listen to reason. Everything will be fine.  
If craving attention and needing redemption is all part of the game, nothing will ever be different.  
And we'll all be insane._"

And it pissed her off. _Edward hadn't done anything wrong_. He'd rushed into the Volturi situation the first time because _she'd_ been rushing into it; if anything, he'd been the only reason she hadn't just lit them all on fire and brought Jasper home. Edward had been the one to reference the benefit of keeping her gifts a secret. Clearly the Volturi knew that she was powerful, but they couldn't know what. And it sure as hell wasn't Edward's fault that he couldn't keep someone out of his head. The analytical observation about Edward's usefulness may well be true, but Bella wasn't prepared to write him off for it. The fury swelled in her chest and she slammed her shields back into place. Her vision took on more light, as if the contrast had just gone up; a tell-tale sign that her eyes were giving her away.

"_Always a liar, playing with fire – and you will get burned._"

It didn't even matter that he'd been able to feel the push of anger before she cut him out of her thoughts; he would have known just by looking at her face, regardless. Sandy vortex eyes, or not, James would have known.

"_Revenge can be sweet and romance can be sour.  
We haven't much time to dissect or devour; love doesn't lie down, that's just the truth.  
__**I dare you to defy and to show me the proof.**__  
I wish it didn't have to end like this.  
There are no answers, no second chances, given beyond the grave.  
__**So here's to the fucked up decisions we've made**_."

She pushed her way through the doors of the airport and groaned inwardly when she found Edward standing, facing the glass doors, with his arms crossed over his chest and a look of sheer loathing all over his face. He was glaring at James. Bella didn't even have time to open her mouth.

"Drop it, kid; I didn't mean anything by it and it's clearly over, all right?" James sighed and clasped his hands behind his back.

"_like a bullet meant to be shot you're the target dead on the spot_"  
**shiny toy guns** x _ricochet_

Edward shot him a final unfriendly look before his face became expressionless. He addressed Bella, "the pilot is waiting."

She nodded and they began the brisk, though human, run to the private terminal at the back of the airport. Edward had as many contacts as, if not more than, James; and he'd used it to his full advantage. He'd made a single phone call and had booked a private jet to take them to Italy.

The pilot was named Ethan, and he was a vampire; he had a peculiar gift, however, that, by association, worked with his jet. Ethan could cloak, himself and his jet; and it made him undetectable to any forms of tracking or scanning. It also helped that he was a brilliant jet-engine mechanic and had gotten his jet's capability four times farther than the U.S. government.

They would land in Italy half an hour after boarding the jet.

--

Bella shifted uncomfortably on the couch. She wasn't particularly fond of private jets; they seemed like too much of a grand waste of funds. Who really needed TV screens as big as the one she was sitting across from on a jet? Not to mention the full bar at the back, or the Jacuzzi in the bathroom.

She sighed to herself, mulling over the recent events in her life. It seemed unfair how things were always backfiring. She glanced at Edward, sitting on a couch facing the back of the jet, on the other side of the aisle. She studied his features, the way his eyes darted back and forth as he looked out the window. He was hunched over in his seat, his elbows on his knees, and he seemed tormented. She thought of James, sitting farther back in the jet, out of her sight. It was odd that they'd picked the same side of the jet to sit on, and even odder that they chose to face each other.

She thought about the battle that they seemed to be having with each other. Neither seemed to consider her at fault for anything, which she found strange. She was as much at fault for any of this as either of them was, and she didn't like being discounted from that. She preferred to shoulder her share of the guilt. _Speaking of guilt, _she thought, _I'm certainly to blame for the uneven distribution of knowledge between them._ She frowned, staring out the window at the passing ground. Vampire vision was good for that. What was she supposed to do about the unfairness of the situation? James was overall more powerful, was it really fair that he knew something about Edward that Edward didn't know about James? She supposed not.

James knew Edward was telepathic; it was only fair that Edward know James was as well.

Without letting herself debate the morality of her actions, she shut down James' telepathy and focused on Edward. She was relatively certain that James allowed her to do it, as opposed to her simply being powerful enough; and she often wondered why he allowed such things but it wasn't in her nature to question James. Just as it wasn't typically in his nature to question her on her actions.

In the back of the jet, James lifted his eyes from his entwined hands and watched Edward closely. There was a ringing silence in his head; it was alarm enough.

'_Edward,_' Bella thought.  
He scratched his neck. He'd heard her. She was pleased she recognized the gesture codes that he used to use with Alice. She was impressed that he'd thought to use them now.  
'_I thought you should know that James is a telepath._'  
He rubbed his nose lightly with his finger, never lifting his eyes from the window. He knew?

So it hadn't mattered that she told him? She wondered how he knew, but a conversation like that was too difficult for gesture codes. She threw her shields back up and restored James' telepathy to him; no harm, no foul.

James stood from his seat and walked the short distance to the empty spot on the couch beside her. He sat down, not looking at her, and crossed his ankle over his knee as he leaned back against the couch. He looked directly at Edward, but he spoke to Bella. "Telepaths can sense each other."

Oh.

He leaned forward and snatched a magazine from the table in front of them without looking at the title. He opened it up and flipped idly through the pages. "You should know that I remember everything you remember from your time around Edward those twelve years ago, Bella. I know the gesture codes." His voice was flat, toneless and unassuming. He wasn't accusing her, he wasn't being arrogant. He wasn't being arrogant or boasting.

He was being honest.

James studied a page of the magazine, an advertisement for some make-up or other, before he turned the page again. Bella looked back out the window. "Oh," she said. His eyes flicked to her but did not remain; he quickly refocused on the magazine.

James didn't keep things from Bella. It was that simple, and occasionally, that complicated. He was on her side, regardless of her decisions, and he saw it that way alone. Bella was precious to him, and every mistake she made could put her in danger.

Allowing _anything_ that could potentially put her in more danger than she put herself in naturally was unacceptable. There was no in between. This was black and white, Bella's safety or Bella's life. He wouldn't risk losing her.

It was who James was. He was honest, dedicated. Loyal.

--

The rest of the flight went by quickly, and when they landed they met with the pilot at the exit door. Edward shook Ethan's hand and thanked him. "Ethan, I was wondering if it isn't too much trouble, if you could wait for us to finish our business before leaving. We shouldn't be long."

Ethan seemed about ready to decline, Edward could hear it, so he added "I could provide for your accommodations and entertainment. We really shouldn't be long; tomorrow evening, perhaps the next morning before dawn at the latest."

Ethan studied Edward carefully, but eventually he nodded. Edward wrote him a check for a sum Bella couldn't see, and they got off the plane. Bella strode ahead as the men caught up with her, James matching Edward's stride. "That was rather rude of you, Edward, don't you think?"

Edward glanced at James once before looking ahead once more. "I don't know what was rude about it."

"You read his mind without his permission. That's an intrusion, Edward; it's quite discourteous."

Edward shot James a less tolerant look. "Well some things can't be helped; why don't you just mind your own business?"

Bella stopped a few yards ahead of them and turned around, her hands on her hips as she glared at both of them. "Why don't you two just agree to disagree? You can fight it out later if you must."

James looked genuinely perplexed by how the conversation seemed to go. "All right; my apologies, Edward. I was simply making an observation."

Edward ignored him and continued walking. James caught up quickly and the three of them navigated the streets of Italy in silence for a stretch of about ten minutes.

"They know we're coming," James said.  
"The precog?" Bella asked; she hated precogs – they made her life difficult.  
"Yes."

There had been a few gaps in their planning before; clearly none of them were at their best.

Edward spoke up, "how powerful is this precog?"  
"Powerful enough, I suppose. She's more reliable than your Alice, though Aro's arrogance allows him to believe that is untrue. That may work in our favor." James clasped his hands behind his back. They'd stopped walking.

"Why did it take her so long to find out we were coming?" Something just didn't make sense to Bella. James looked at her and the beginnings of a grin teased at his lips.

_Of course it would be you to think of the proper questions, Bella_, he thought.

"Because she can only see what is already in action; Alice can see what has been decided. The difference seems insignificant, but it is not. There are no doubts to her visions, such as there are with Alice's."

Bella realized where she recognized James' actions from, a curiosity that had been bugging her subconscious since his arrival. He was acting the way he had when they'd first met. It hadn't bothered her now; but his knowledge made him arrogant on occasion, more frequently it made him condescending.

She was starting to get that vibe.

"So how do we get around her?" Edward was picking up her slack.  
"Bella." James' answer didn't seem much like an answer.  
"Me?" Bella's head was starting to hurt.  
"Yes."  
"What can Bella do?" Edward wasn't quite following and James frowned at him.

Occasionally, talking to people without his gift was tiring. Connecting the dots for them felt like it was something he shouldn't really be bothered with.

"Bella can nullify gifts, Edward; why wouldn't it work with the precog?" James crossed his arms over his chest.  
"Because I can only nullify someone as powerful as, or less powerful than, me, James; I thought you would remember that."  
"She isn't more powerful than you are, Bella. What makes you think she is?" James quirked an eyebrow at her, the dazzling sunset glowing behind him and making his hair gleam with a rich yellow light. She looked away from him.  
"You said she was stronger than Alice," Edward said, "and doesn't Bella's nullifying gift only work on gifts that impact the mind?"  
James' eyebrows lifted comically, though it didn't seem to be a joke. "No, absolutely not. Bella can nullify any gift that doesn't surpass her own power."  
"But that doesn't make any sense, James, because I can nullify your telepathy but not your –" Bella cut herself off suddenly, biting her lip and looking down. "Other gifts," she mumbled.

Now she was confusing herself. Hadn't she assumed James had just allowed her to shut down his power because he didn't mind?

"Never mind, I don't know what I was thinking," she said. "Of course I can shut down your telepathy."  
James looked at her, wondering if she was piecing the puzzle together or if she was assuming something different. "Why do you say that?"  
"You allow me to, don't you? You just let me because you see no harm in it."  
That baffled look was back on James' face. "Absolutely not! I would not interfere with your understanding of the boundaries of your gifts that way, Bella. It would be sabotage."

Now she was confused again.

"I do not understand," she growled in frustration. Edward glanced between them and spoke up.  
"Why can she only nullify one of your gifts, James?"  
James looked at Edward and his shoulders relaxed. Not because he was comfortable, but because he was getting exhausted by this conversation. "Because powers of the mind are her _specialty_, but they are not her only category. Bella can nullify my telepathy, not only because it is her specialty, but because we are bonded." His eyes shifted to Bella and he stared at her hard for a moment, not angrily, but intensely.  
"Bonded?" Edward wasn't sure exactly what that entailed; and what was more important in the long run was just _how_ bonded they were.  
"She is mine," James said. It was that simple to him; he had created her, brought her into this life, provided her the blood of an ancient so that she could manage her own gifts. She was his, it really wasn't difficult.

Bella supposed they were communicating telepathically over the semantics of that statement, considering Edward had not lunged at James over the comment.

Bella walked up to James and fished inside of his pockets. They both watched her; Edward clearly confused and James simply waiting for her to find what she was looking for. He knew, of course, and part of him hated that she would find it; it showed that he had never really let go of their routines. She pulled a pack of cigarettes from his leather jacket pocket.

She hadn't brought her purse. She had two obscenely rich men with her, 'why would she need her purse?' she'd thought. Apparently, having James around allowed her to revert to her old habits of assuming their routines because the idea of having her cigarettes never crossed her mind. She had to open the pack to out a cigarette and let it hang between her lips; which meant he had purchased a new pack and put them in his pocket to replace the old, open pack that had been there when she left. James didn't smoke. She snapped her fingers and a small flame danced between them; she lit her cigarette and returned the pack to his pocket. She looked up at him and spoke softly, "hey, um; thanks."

She dropped the uncomfortable acknowledgement of how well tuned into each other they were and smoked herself into a less dangerous level of stress.

"So Bella can shut down your telepathy, even though you're more powerful than she is, _because_ you sired her?" Edward seemed to be just as desperate as either of them was to get passed the moment that had happened between them.  
"Correct," James responded. He hadn't allowed any response to the situation to cross his face.  
"But I can only nullify people I can see, James; I don't understand how I'm supposed to nullify her." Bella dropped her smoked cigarette on the ground and stomped it out with her boot. James pulled the pack out of his pocket again and handed her another. Clearly he wasn't ready for her to go fishing for them herself again.

Edward watched Bella take it and light it up. He didn't understand how James knew she had wanted a second one. Had he been reading her mind? If she dropped her shields, he should be able to hear her as well. He could hear James, so she hadn't shut his telepathy down; and he didn't understand why she would have anyway. He glanced from Bella to James and James met his eyes.

James expression was carefully detached, he didn't give away anything and even though there was knowledge of Edward's curiosity clear in his mind, he made no effort to explain it. Even in his head. Edward stopped thinking about it, realizing they were wasting time, and re-focused on the dilemma.

James looked at Bella once Edward had stopped pondering about him and shook his head. "That is not true, Bella. You never allowed Alice to see you in her visions, so much so that she thought you were dead when we changed you. How is it that you managed that if you can only nullify the gift of a person within your sight?"

Bella thought about it for a second, taking a long drag and blowing it out through her nose. "Because I knew Alice; I was familiar with her and I kept a constant thought of her gift in my head because I was paranoid of her seeing me."

"So you defended yourself against the threat," James clarified. "What is stopping you now?"

"I don't know who to focus on." She lifted her gaze to him and sighed.

"Aza. Her name is Aza." James stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"That's not enough, James; how many people in the world could be named Aza?" She flicked the ash off the tip of her cigarette.

"521," he responded. She shot him a playful scowl.

"That was rhetorical."

James shrugged and Edward cleared his throat. Their familiarity was beginning to unnerve him. They spoke to each other in seeming half-conversations; like lovers. They communicated in other ways, it appeared, gestures and looks that he couldn't decipher.

"I could familiarize you with her, Bella. It is a rather measly dilemma we are debating." James was always so confident; she supposed it was because he really just knew everything he needed to know. She guessed that would make anyone pretty confident.

"Then do it." The challenge sounded strange as it left her lips; not at all appropriate for the situation, it seemed to be laced with innuendo. She hadn't intended it, but it probably didn't matter. James walked toward her and smirked faintly, the slightest shift of his lips – something only she would notice.

"It is not an action I can perform, Bella." He parted his arms, making room for her flat against his chest. She glanced to Edward, suddenly understanding the only way James could transfer such knowledge to her, and she swallowed hard. Edward didn't seem to understand just yet, but he recognized the gesture as something meant to bring her closer to James and it displeased him.

"Edward, I need you to pretend this isn't happening." She didn't really know what else to do. She had to do this if it would get them inside, but the strain that was between the two men was high enough as it was. He glowered at James; Bella accepted that as the best she would get. She stepped forward, into James' waiting arms, and sighed as his smell enveloped her. There was something so quieting about him, something that eased her mind and her soul and let her feel rested. She had to regain control of herself and focus. She stood up on her tip toes and bit down on his neck. Hard.

The flood of his hot blood entering her mouth was nearly faint-worthy; she sighed into his neck in a contented way. _He tasted so good_. Her body cried out for him, the way it always did when they fed from each other, and she smothered the images that entered her mind.

She couldn't think about that right now.

She drank from him until murky images of the Volturi building began filling her mind. "Red hair," James said; she could feel the sensations of his voice against her lips.

The image of a small woman with blood-red hair filled her mind; the woman was shriveled up, well into her fifties but freshly turned. In the vampire world, she was barely three years old.

Bella shut her down immediately; she wasn't risking the woman having a last vision of their actions beforehand. Removing her fangs from his neck, Bella returned the heels of her feet to the ground and gently wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand. She never made a mess, but it was a good habit to check anyway.

"Let's move," she said, running a hand through her hair and taking the first few steps in the direction of the Volturi. James grabbed her by the crook of her arm and shook his head when she looked at him.

"There's one other thing."

She thought she heard Edward groan. "What is it?"

"The possessor will only have more power the closer we are to her;" he shot a look at Edward, clearly seeing him as a weak link, "he's going to be more susceptible to her."

Bella scowled at James and yanked her arm free. "So will you, _James._ Thanks for the warning," she snapped; then she turned and walked off.

Edward was beginning to catch on to the delicate way Bella had to phrase things to get real answers out of James. "What are all of your gifts?"

James stared at him for a long moment, his shoulders tense but his face expressionless still. "You will find them out shortly, I am certain. As you have already seen two of them, I do not feel the need to explain to you." He turned and began walking after Bella.


	47. Chapter 43, part i

**AN**: I'm sorry it's taken so long to get this out to you guys, I'm trying to finish a novel I'm writing and it's rather time consuming. So I hope you enjoy this chapter, even though it's a bit overdue. :) Also, during part of this chapter I will use some of the lyrics of an OK GO song _in_ my writing, not just as a quote. It'll probably be the best line in the chapter, so it's not mine! lol. Also, since it's been decades since I've done this:

_I do not own Twilight, no copyright infringement is intended. I am just playing around; I'm definitely not making money off this_.

--

**Part i  
**

**NarratorPOV**

Silence hovered in the thick air of evening, the shadows lengthened and deepened; Aro waited outside of the residence for the Volturi, his back straight and his hands hanging awkwardly by his sides. Bella was the first to round the corner into his sight, but she didn't seem at all surprised by his presence there. She strode forward, her small frame oddly demanding in the black shorts and tank top she wore. Or perhaps it was the boots, Aro mused. Her long brown hair fell around her shoulders and down her back, actually longer than the shorts she wore; she stopped two yards ahead of him and locked herself into a straight-backed position.

He wondered how such a small thing could appear so formidable.

James and Edward followed Bella around the turn, keeping identical pace with each other. They stopped three feet behind Bella, their hands clasped behind their backs and their bodies rigid. Synchronized, complete mirror images of the other in motion and body language. They seemed more like two hired mercenaries rather than two of her friends; or as Aro had heard, lovers. He smiled broadly at Bella and extended his hand to her, he made sure his motions were like liquid – natural and graceful, not a single reason to be suspicious. But Bella didn't take his hand; she just tossed him a scowl and stiffened her shoulders. He suddenly thought she might spit on his hand, and he retracted it to let it fall to his side again. He darted his eyes up to the men behind her and he felt a bothersome sensation drop into the pit of his stomach.

Something was very wrong with his plan, he just didn't know what.

The cool steel of the blade pressed into her spine as she stood in front of Aro, a solid reminder of what she was here for and what she had to do. She was grateful for it when she spoke; it seemed to fuel an unwavering sureness in her voice.

"You know what we are here for, Aro. There's no use in playing the host."

**the exies** x _my goddess_

"_I was knee-deep in a sick love;  
__**I was cross-eyed under your drug**__."_

Aro opened his mouth to argue with her but she shook her head calmly at him, something about the gesture halted his voice in his throat. Snaking along his skin was the strangest vibration; it coaxed his muscles into relaxing and blurred his thoughts in his head.

"_Schitzo savior, mad messiah.  
__**Fatal worship you inspire**_**.**_"_

He shook it off.

"I am here for Jasper; either you hand him over or I find him." There it was again, the steel in her voice and the feather-light vibrations along his flesh.

"_My goddess.  
You were counting on a free-fall.  
__**You laid your bet that I would lose all**__."_

He turned and led them into the building in silence, focusing all of his attention on clearing his head. He couldn't afford to be careless.

--

**the Vincent black shadow** x _control_

As soon as Aro pushed open the doors in front of her, all sound in the large chamber died down to nothing. Everyone froze where they sat, and Bella made a quiet note that most of the guard wasn't present. Even Caius was missing, and he was one of the leaders of the Volturi. Something was off; she could practically smell the deception in the air.

"_This time, the glove is latex."_

They had something planned.

She caught a whiff of a faint smoke, not quite cigarette smoke, more like campfire smoke.

"_This time, the suit is white.  
New life has found a place, it's laid eggs in someone's eye."_

She spun to address the source and was startled to find a man standing directly behind her. Judging by the look on his face, he was startled to see her facing him. An oily grin pulled up the corners of his thin lips, baring fangs as it widened. He had stringy black hair and bright red eyes, he wore a pristine white suit and a grin that depicted _exactly_ what he'd like to be doing to her, and Bella was suddenly nauseated just being near him. He lifted his fingers and ran them down the side of her body, his eyes roaming where they touched.

"_I still want control, even when you don't.  
__**Your skin's a lot like plastic – some kind of bad disguise.**__  
So sweet you're drawing flies."_

He looked over her head at Aro, a pleading expression on his face. "Can I keep this one, Aro?"

"_I still want control, even when you don't."_

She scowled at him and opened her mouth to blurt out some vicious remark, but Aro's voice floated over her shoulder first.

"Acanthus, how impolite. Do not touch our guest. Quit it."

**green day** x _peacemaker_

And just like that, Acanthus flickered out of existence in front of her. She caught another whiff of the smoke, farther away judging by the faintness of it. She scanned the area swiftly and saw him leaning against a wall behind Aro. He didn't look particularly pleased.

"_I'm in a state of grace."_

Neither of the men behind her made a single move, though she knew they were fuming behind their expressionless facades. She could feel their anger like a hot breath on her neck. "Where is Jasper, Aro? I am not here to marvel at your chambers."

Edward watched the sleek way she moved herself around, the subtle gestures that seemed to give her an air of righteous authority in the room. He hadn't ever heard her so confident before, it practically dripped from her mouth. James fought a smirk every time Bella spoke; he'd seen this confidence numerous times.

In bed, every one of them.

Edward held his breath to keep a growl from emerging. That hadn't been something he wanted to know.

"I am afraid I cannot just hand your friend over, Bella; we must come to an agreement first."

"The agreement is that I won't kill you if you release him. That's all I'm offering you." The cool steel pressed more firmly into her skin and she wondered why until she realized she had straightened her back again while she spoke.

"_For I am the seizer, I'm gonna seize the day."_

"That is unacceptable, Miss Swan. Why don't we discuss this?"

"There's nothing to discuss, Aro. I will say this only once more. _Release him or I will be forced to take him_."

At her words, Aro shook his head in mock sadness. "I am afraid it is not my reluctance, Bella, but Jasper's."

"I will be the judge of that." Her palm was practically itching for her blade.

Aro waved his hand casually and a door in the back of the room opened up. Jasper stepped through it, a beaming smile on his face and Chelsea on his arm. _Ah, so that's what this is about,_ Bella thought. _Well, that's solved pretty easily_.

"_As God as my witness…  
__**the infidels are gonna pay.**__"_

"Is that the best you can do, Aro?" The laughter in her voice was clear. Aro looked at her, stunned, and studied her expression. "You're a fool."

**shiny toy guns **x _ricochet_

"_welcome back to where I'm gonna have you.  
shell shock, fall back."_

Bella moved swiftly, her right hand reaching to her back and grasping the handle of her throwing knife. She held it firmly, turning her torso at just the right angle to swing her arm around to aim. Aro cried out a single name, "Renata!" in panic as the realization of Bella's motive dawned on him.

"_anyone, I see through.  
Watch your head spin."_

Out of the corner of her eye, Bella could see a small, mousey woman dive forward in the direction of Chelsea, her hands outstretched but Bella had already released her grip on the knife. It hurtled through the air with a devastating whistle before it embedded itself in Chelsea's skull as she turned to face Aro's alarmed cry. Jasper was thrown back from Chelsea with the force of the protective shield Renata threw up over Chelsea no more than a fragment of a second too late.

"_Like a bullet meant to be shot.  
You're the target."_

Chelsea crumpled to the floor in a heap, the dark stain of her blood pooling around her.

"_**Dead on the spot.**__"_

Bella straightened up and faced Aro the same way she had merely two seconds before. Aro met her gaze and regretted it instantly; the pools of her eyes had lightened, drawing him in so intensely that he wanted to rise and move closer to see them more clearly. He felt his fingers twitch with the urge as he fought himself to stay seated. There was something deathly commanding in her eyes and it brought a lump to his throat that he couldn't swallow. Suddenly, Aro knew they would all die.

"_She ricochets,  
and you don't notice.  
__**She's in your head  
and you just don't notice.**__"_

"You killed her," he squawked. Terror was plain on his face for a full second before he caught his breath and tore his eyes away from hers. Immediately, he seemed more in control and he straightened himself up. "I am afraid you've made a terrible mistake, Isabella."

Jasper rose from the floor where he'd been tossed and rubbed at his head. He groaned weakly and rested against the wall behind him. He opened his eyes slowly and scanned the room. He analyzed the Volturi that were sprawled around him, most of them hiding in the shadows in an attempt to be unnoticed, without expression. His eyes even landed on Edward without as much as a twitch of his lip. But when his eyes landed on Bella they widened in alarm and he took a second and third look around the room as if he didn't understand what was going on.

"Be still, Jasper," Aro commanded. And Jasper did.

"Come on, Jasper; we're here to take you home." Bella softened her tone dramatically until it came out gentle and soothing, as if she were talking to a frightened child. He wouldn't look at her, only shook his head repeatedly while he stared at the floor.

"As I was saying, Isabella; you've made a terrible mistake." He contorted his features into an expression that would resemble sympathy if he weren't such a frightening creature. "And one of your friends will pay dearly for it." His red eyes shifted to his left, searching for a body in the darkness of the shadows. "Gloria, I want the blond one."

--

It was as if the inch of bone that made up James' skull was attempting to pull apart from itself. The pain was blinding. Furious at the intrusion, he heard himself roar savagely as he threw his head back. He'd been unaware he was cradling it in his hands. He felt his muscles straining all over his body as the second consciousness sought to push him out. His barriers were cracking beneath the weight of such a demand and he felt his knees buckle beneath him.

The sharp pain of his kneecaps hitting the stone floor shook him out of his stunned paralysis long enough for him to tap into a gift. It was a simple choice. He lifted his hands, even though he usually didn't need to use them in order to use his telekinesis, and shoved the power from his palms. The hefty fog that had settled around the edges of his vision lifted, but just barely. It was enough, though; and he shoved his power out harder. _This was not going to happen_. There was a chill that was frosting over his bones.

He could feel the pressure lifting incrementally, slowly at first but faster as he continued to fight against it. With a sudden slam of flesh and bone hitting stone, the icy ache that had begun settling in his bones vanished. His breathing was coming in rapid, uneven pants and he'd broken out into a sweat. He gulped down air hungrily in an attempt to re-assert control over his body. Edward stared down at him in shock. Realizing that James hadn't stood up yet, Edward extended a hand to help him up and was surprised when James accepted it. Edward lifted and got James on his feet but waited to release his hand until James appeared stable. James turned and eyed Aro, a vicious growl rumbling in his chest.

But Aro wasn't looking at him; he was looking at the mangled body of a beautiful woman in a silk emerald dress that lay on the floor against the wall. She was covered in dust and shattered stone pieces, her brilliant red hair matted with blood and dust. It appeared her skull was crushed, James realized, when he noticed the pale white of bone and the sick grayish pink of brain tissue. Aro leapt to his feet and the small mousey woman, Renata, rushed to his side with a tremble to her lip that gave away her tearless sobs. James could see Aro's chest rising and falling with the labored breaths he was taking and James met his incensed red eyes.

"Delia!"

James refrained from chuckling at the idea of this frail man tossing opponent after opponent at the three of them. A distant recollection of the woman entered James' mind that he recognized to be Edward's, and the realization of the woman's powers dawned on him with immense gravity. He wanted to lunge forward and cover Bella with his own body, protect her at all costs.

Bella stiffed in front of him and said nothing, her eyes scanning the room for the first sign of movement. '_I want you both to keep yourselves under control._' Neither of them moved, not wanting to give away the connection the three of them had to any attentive observer. '_I can handle her._'

The three of them noticed the shifting stone before anyone saw Delia's long frame step from the shadows behind Aro. There was something primitive about her, something carnal and exotic and earthy. She was Mother Nature, complete with a pin-stripped button-up blouse that barely contained her caramel skin. James found himself wondering how dark her skin had been when she was alive, how the pulse at her neck would have felt against his lips. The memory of her skin filled Edward's head, lacing the tips of his fingers with a cold remembrance of her flesh. Her lips twisted, curling and parting to form a heart-stopping smile. She directed it at Bella.

James and Edward heard her thought at the same time, '_Down._'

**porcelain and the tramps** x _gasoline_

The floor beneath Bella's feet gave as if it was thin ice, the rolling sounds of shifting earth and crumbling stone startling the two of them enough to step backward. Bella could feel herself falling as if she was in slow-motion, the push of air beneath her not quite enough to propel her up. She crouched as she fell, calmly aware of her unnatural state of relaxation for such a situation, and felt the hard give of dirt beneath her boots when she landed. She stood and brushed herself off before she turned her eyes upward to see how far she'd fallen. Two hundred feet, at least, she calculated; too high for her to spring out of. She frowned.

"_Don't get in my face, don't invade my space._"

'_Well, it could be worse_,' she thought, hoping James and Edward could hear her. '_It could be wet._' She knew James would understand. She opened her mouth and yelled loud enough for Aro to hear, "you've gone and pissed me off now, Aro. You've fouled up something rotten, this time."

"_I'll only tell you once, never tell you twice; and this is me being nice._"

James looked up from staring at the pit in front of them and met Aro's eyes with a vicious smirk. He said nothing as he lifted his hand and pressed his palm against Edward's chest. The two of them stepped back twenty paces, Aro watching curiously as they did so. James cleared his throat and dropped his hand from Edward so he could cross his arms over his chest.

It was a simple sound, but it didn't matter. Bella recognized it as a green light and she crouched down once again, bending her knees beneath her and pressing her skin into the dirt. The beast awoke in her chest and began its tense pacing between her ribs and she coaxed it out further, encouraging it to press against her skin and fill her throat. It was warm and hungry and nasty. And she could taste it like a bitter chocolate on her tongue.

"_Cross me once and you'll see:"_

Her breathing became ragged, catching dozens of times each breath until it felt like she was breathing in ash.

"_It's like a match to gasoline."_

With a single triumphant scream, Bella's entire body ignited in flame. It licked its way over her skin and singed her clothes and melted the rubber soles of her boots. It tore up the walls of the pit and ate its fill of oxygen on the way up. The flames rose, building and rolling and growing hotter and hotter. It wasn't more than a second before Bella was the white-hot center of the blaze.

"'_Cause I'm highly flammable._"

And then she was filling with smoke, it crept down her throat and slithered into her lungs. She inhaled greedily, sucking in the burning ash. She could feel parts of her clothes falling from her as they burned, but she'd been expecting that. Even her hair was singed at the tips. The lightness that took over her body was expected as well; she could feel the smoke pushing out through the pores of her skin as fresh smoke forced its way in through her mouth and nose.

"_A caged up animal._"

With a final lick of flame, she felt her body fall away from her mind as if she were shedding clothes. Her seemingly imaginary limbs stretched upward, reaching and twisting in smoky spirals towards the opening of the gorge.

Edward made a lunge for the pit, certain that the amount of fire coming from it would incinerate even Bella. The flames he could see were electric blue and a furiously bright green. The oranges and yellows of the flames were near the ceiling. Smoke snaked up from the inferno, which he thought was odd because smoke didn't usually appear to come from the base of a fire. James grabbed his neck roughly and pulled him back hard enough to land him a few feet behind his previous spot. On his ass.

"_I will go off on you._"

'_I will rip your throat out if you make a foolhardy mistake like that again, _Edward._ If you reveal your affinity to Bella one more time, I swear to God I will kill you myself for destroying this mission._'

Edward sat where he had been thrown and stared at the flames as they grew impossibly more. He watched the smoke carefully, noting the strange way it moved. Smoke was usually guided by a breeze, the spirals curling and tucking where the breeze demanded; but the smoke he saw rising now seemed deliberate, as if it were controlled by something aside from airflow. The streams of gray seemed to stretch out, they seemed to climb the air like a ladder rather than riding it like a wave.

"_You better take it back, I'm about to snap.  
__**I will go off on you**__._"

'_Do you see her now?_' James thought, careful to keep his expression blank as he turned to look at Edward. Edward blinked and focused harder.

And there it was. The smoke _was_ moving on its own, it maneuvered its way around the flames expertly as it seemed to thicken and twist only around itself instead of flowing upwards. It began to take shape, slowly, until it formed a smooth, haunting silhouette.

"_When it's your turn you'll get your lesson learned, you'll be pissed to burn.  
My adrenaline is gonna do you in_."

Bella's pleased laugh floated from the silhouette. Her voice was harsh, a brittle whisper against the furious roar of the blaze. "Don't look so arrogant, Aro; these flames are not your Delia's. Fire is its own master, it answers to no one; not even Mother Earth."

Edward looked at Aro for the first time since the fire started and realized that Aro didn't appear to be frightened at all. He really was a fool if he thought the fire was of Delia's doing.

Delia, who was cowering in a corner as far from the raging inferno as she could get.

Aro turned to find her, searching for proof that Bella was wrong, and found none. Delia looked toward him and shook her head frantically. "Then smother the damn thing, you imbecile!" he seethed at her, his fingers tightening absurdly around the arm rests of his chair. Delia collapsed the pit with a frantic thought and whimpered when there was nothing left except smoke.

"_I'm seeing red again._"

The strange figure in the smoke settled down into a sitting position atop the newly shifted dirt that had filled the pit. A wisp of a hand gestured dismissively at Aro. The faceless blur turned toward Delia, evocative of Bella even without facial features. As they watched, the smoke seemed to gain mass. It solidified right before their very eyes, the gray tinge vanishing to be replaced by the delicious cream color of Bella's untouched skin. Her hair fell around her in beautiful waves of chocolate brown, singed only on the tips, and covered her torso carefully.

"_Cross me once and you'll see:  
__**it's like a match to gasoline**__._"

She was completely nude beneath the locks of hair that shielded parts of her from Aro's furious gaze. She stared heavily at Delia from across the room.

**ok go** x _invincible_

"_When they finally come to destroy the Earth,  
they'll have to go through you first.  
I'll bet they won't be expecting that."_

Delia let out a meek yelp when she met Bella's gaze; she wanted desperately to tear away and find shelter elsewhere. But the eyes looking back at her seemed to penetrate her, see directly through everything she was to summon out her soul. Terror welled up in her chest, pushing forth into her throat as a desperate scream that she attempted to smother but failed. Bella's eyes were destructive on their own, unflinching in their gaze and decimating of their own power. Thousand-Fahrenheit hot metal lights burned behind her eyes.

"_When they finally come to destroy the Earth,  
they'll have to deal with you first.  
Now my money says they won't know about the  
thousand-Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes.  
__**Invincible**_**.**_"_

She opened her mouth with a gentle smile and said "come" – and Delia did. Something in Delia cried out to obey, whimpered and whined and kicked until Delia's feet shifted beneath her and pushed her closer to Bella. It had been years since she'd moved at all without having the ground beneath her move as well; the sensation of moving alone was petrifying. Once she was there, her hands and knees scraped from the rough stone beneath her, the need to touch Bella was overwhelming. Delia wanted to lay her face in her lap and weep, to beg the woman for forgiveness; this woman was more than Aro, more than Marcus or Caius or any of them combined.

"_When they finally come, what'll you do to them?  
Gonna decimate them like you did to me?_"

This woman was the queen and no one else had discovered her right to the throne except Delia. It seemed she had been given an honor, an overwhelmingly fortunate gift that she couldn't possibly deserve – and yet, this woman with her long brown hair and startling eyes spoke softly to her and called her forth. Delia fell into Bella's lap and wept openly, murmuring promises of her unshakable devotion and loyalty to her, the queen.

"_**Will you leave them stunned and stuttering?**_"


	48. Chapter 43, part ii

**Part ii**

**NarratorPOV**

Bella was more than a little confused to have this woman sobbing into her lap; hadn't the woman just been used as a weapon against her? Bella considered her options. The woman sounded sincere, that was clear, but what could have sparked such a change? She lifted her eyes and turned to face James. What she saw was startling, she watched as James and Edward sank to their knees at the same moment. In slow motion, she saw their sharp intake of breath, the flash of surprise in their eyes, their knees buckling and sending them crashing to the floor. The stone floor beneath them crumpled and caved beneath the weight of their mutual fall.

She studied them in silence for a moment, both of them staring openly at her, and she sighed. Something was going on that she simply did not understand and it was beginning to tire her. Something shifted behind James' emerald eyes, a sweep of clever intelligence that she had so frequently seen there before. James leaped to his feet, the motion drugged and weighted in a way she didn't understand, and dove to her. He grabbed the sides of her face and met her eyes fiercely. She could see her reflection clearly in them and the brightness that covered her face baffled her; her eyes were glowing in an unnatural way, shining like little white-hot beacons. She gasped and shut her eyes.

He pierced her mind harshly, like a steel needle meant to awaken something inside of her, and she suddenly realized that if anyone else were to see her the way she was, she would be in great danger. A danger she had the exact threat of on the tip of her tongue, like a word you can almost think of, but she couldn't quite say it. She knew she had to make sure no one else saw her; she knew it because James knew it. James was linking with her to demonstrate the urgency of the situation. She had a lump in her throat that threatened to choke off her breathing from the nerves that shook her body.

The activity in her brain quieted suddenly and she could breathe again; she could taste James' power like garlic on her tongue. She focused and scanned the side of the room she was facing; there was no one there except Edward and a deceased Gloria lying on the floor. She had to tone herself down somehow. She didn't know what was making her radiate so blindingly, but she had to get control of herself before shit really went sour.

It was almost silent in the giant chambers for a full two minutes, nothing except the ragged sound of a group of vampires breathing heavily, until Aro took in a deep breath and spoke firmly. "Alec."

For Bella, everything went black.

Something was very wrong.

Bella collapsed to the floor, limp in James' arms with her head lolling back and her eyes closed. She saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing, and smelled nothing. She wasn't consciously aware of her own body.

James rose to his feet, letting Bella's body remain on the ground, a snarl curling his lips up around his teeth, a low rumbling hum coming from his chest. There was a ferocity in his stare that shook Aro's bones. He molded his expression into one of contrite amusement and beckoned one of his guards forward. "Acanthus."

There was a small flash of smoke that appeared to James in his peripheral vision before a stone arm circled the front of his throat and tightened. He stopped breathing, not willing to waste the effort trying, and bent his back down until he could hook his right arm against the man's thigh and lifted them both back up. Acanthus, propelled by James' arm, slammed into the mixture of stone and dirt beneath them with a harsh "oomph!"

Acanthus teleported out and appeared behind James again, his foot sweeping out to knock James' feet from beneath him. James hit the ground on his back and all of the air he'd had in his lungs came rushing out. James rolled twice, just in time to dodge a lunge from Acanthus. He considered his options.

James wasn't a stupid man, by any means; so when it occurred to him that there was only one way to finish this fight, he didn't bother debating.

'_It'll crush you!_' He could hear Edward's voice in his head as clearly as he heard his own.

And it didn't matter whether Edward was right or wrong. James had a fighting chance, as good as anyone could hope for, and it was the fastest way to end this. This time, Edward didn't argue.

James rolled to his feet and shook off the blow to his back, turning as Acanthus stood up from his failed lunge. He swung suddenly, feeling the sharp collapse of Acanthus' jaw bone as James' knuckles collided with it. He watched the blood spray from his mouth, listening for the tinkles of teeth hitting the ground and was rewarded to hear four of them.

Edward bolted from his spot and scooped up an unconscious Bella and a still sobbing Delia. He skittered to a stop and heaved them both onto one shoulder. Turning once again, he grabbed Jasper from his heap on the floor and settled him on the other shoulder. He tore across the room, burst through the door and rushed across another room. Edward broke through whatever surface he had to in order to continue going in a completely straight line out of the building. The quickest way out would save their lives; ramming through a stone wall or two was the lesser of the consequences for this mission of theirs. He set them all down outside and probed the area for the thoughts of James.

James ducked swiftly and locked his foot around Acanthus' ankle, yanking his footing out from beneath him, and watched as his head bounced off a jutting stone. He must be getting tired, James thought, a minute ago he was teleporting away from me as my fist hit him. He reached down to grab Acanthus by the shirt but his hand went through nothing but air and a wisp of smoke. Immediately, James spun around to make sure he wasn't behind him, but he spun directly into a swinging fist. Red pain tore across his face and he felt his nose snap beneath Acanthus' knuckles. He snorted through his nose, despite the searing pain, to remove most of the blood that poured out; he swung his own fist and collided with a buckling ribcage.

Edward skidded to a halt in the great chamber once again and listened intently to any thoughts he had been overlooking. He heard Aro clearly, the delusional man believing that Acanthus would win the fight. There was James, Acanthus, Renata… And there, less than a whisper of a single thought. He knew the tiny voice anywhere. "ALEC!" He roared the name, his voice echoing off the stone walls and booming over and over again. The sudden noise caused Alec nothing more than a fraction of a second of a break in concentration, but he lost the thread he had on Bella's senses and flashed a single, clear thought. '_Shit_.'

That one thought reverberated in Edward's head a hundred times, giving him the exact location of its origin. He spun around ninety degrees and flew through the air, pinning Alec to the wall by his throat. Edward's face contorted in blind, vicious rage as he bared his fangs cruelly at the childlike vampire. Alec hissed and Edward released feral howl as he sank his teeth into Alec's neck. He drank from him brutally, digging his teeth in to the sensitive muscles and dragging it on bone where he could. A bestial instinct rose up in his veins; it engulfed his chest and filled his bones with a wild ardor for the vicious revenge that his body was crying out for.

Edward pulled his lower jaw back as far as it could go and clamped down roughly; in a single yank of his neck, he tore Alec's throat out and spit it to the ground.

Outside, Bella's torso rose up suddenly, her lungs filling with air for the first time since she collapsed; her throat made a sick, tattered gasping sound as it sucked in gulp after gulp of air. Her eyelids peeled apart and she stared up at a midnight sky cluttered with stars.

Edward released Alec's chest and walked away from the twitching creature. He looked over at James, watching his fluid movements as he swerved around Acanthus' brute attacks and countered them. James was a fighter, it was clearer in that moment than it had ever been. This was not his first time on the field; these were not the worst odds he had ever faced. Something about the way he slid his way around his opponent, the way he managed to avoid eighty or more percent of the attacks; something about the way he handled himself in the middle of the fight seemed to scream that he _was meant for this._ That, somehow, he was made to be able to do this better, faster, harder, stronger than everyone else.

Bella was something unbelievable, something he couldn't even fathom just yet and it had swallowed his entire being when he saw it. There was something brighter in her than there had ever been, something alive and intense and chaotic and fierce. She was more than all of them, more than anything that had yet to exist. He knew it in his bones; deep within his soul he knew she was more than all things. He felt a strange longing toward her, one he wasn't familiar with. He had longed for Bella in hundreds of ways, but this one was unique to itself. It was inexplicable in its complication; it was protectiveness, as if she alone made up the world, but it was also an eerie submission that he didn't quite understand. There was something else though, the oddest thing he had ever felt in his life. A desperation to be beside her, always, a fierce and demanding need to take his place there. His subconscious begged him to kneel at her feet; the urge was so strong he found himself exiting the great chambers and bolting through his original exit path.

Bella focused carefully on every part of her body without moving and was relieved to find that she could feel everything once again – and none of it seemed to be injured.

There was a cool pressure against the curve of her waist and she adjusted her neck so she could look at whatever she was pushed against. Long strands of black hair fell messily over a striking face, a face Bella clearly remembered but was surprised to find in such a submissive position. Delia was curled against Bella in a fetal position, as if she were seeking the warmth of a mother or the comfort of a guardian; and at Bella's sudden liveliness, Delia's eyes lifted to meet hers. Nothing was said, Delia simply returned the gaze in a silence that seemed to convey everything Bella needed to know.

Something had happened that none of them expected, and that creature that prowled Bella's chest was still very much interested in what was going on. Bella could feel it stalking the walls of her ribcage; she could feel its steps as if the creature were taking them on the inside of her flesh, lining her entire body with animal prints and small rivets where nails dug in. The sensation was foreign but not unpleasant; it almost felt as if it should be natural, as if it should have been happening all along.

James lunged for Acanthus and was unsurprised when he hit the stone floor instead. Acanthus was starting to pansy his way out of attacks with more frequency. It hardly mattered, James was only killing time until everyone important was dragged out of the building. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Aro sitting proudly in his throne-like chair, watching with fascination as, as he thought, James lost the fight. James froze where he stood, scanning for the next puff of smoke to signal Acanthus' appearance. Six feet to his left.

James didn't even look at Acanthus; instead, he turned his head slightly to glower at Aro. With a disturbed smirk, James pulled the walls in on them.


	49. Chapter 44

**AN:** Firstly, I AM VERY SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THIS CHAPTER. You will understand why I'm saying that in caps when you get to the end of it. But, as a lame explanation of it, _it needed to end there_. There is only one more chapter to this story, and that's the Epilogue. Which I am working on as we speakkkkk. So, yes.

This chapter is a goodbye to this story. I'm sorry I didn't warn you guys, but I didn't want to upset anyone unnecessarily.

Why would it be unnecessary?

xD

becauseeeeeeeee........

**ithinktheremightbeasequel!**

Yes, that was all one word.

BUT ONLY IF I GET A DECENT AMOUNT OF SUPPORT FOR IT. otherwise i don't want to bother and i'll just end it here. ;) You can PM me, email me, review, i don't care! Just let me know your thoughts. (Even if you don't want a sequel and hope i rot in hell lmfao)!

So spam me, readers. Please :D

my email is a_nichole_jones[at]hotmail[dot]com XD

* * *

**NarratorPOV**

It was no more than a single thought, one small five-letter word that was barely two syllables. But the impact of it would change the course of vampire history. Permanently.

'_Bella._'

Bella knew, with no small amount of certainty, that she would recognize that voice anywhere, any day. A passing thought, a whisper in a crowded room, a recollection of someone she'd never known. It didn't matter to her.

James' voice was indescribably burned into her psyche, melded into her bones and infecting her lungs. Her entire body screamed out at the sound of his thoughts; the predator in her chest roared with a violent, uncontainable power and lunged itself forward.

The pain was immaculate. Tendrils of exquisite, needle-thin electric currents of anguish ripped through her chest; the force of ten thousand panicked and frightened wild bulls tore through her ribcage and sent her onto her back in the dirt. Her throat was sore and Edward's petrified expression loomed over her, blocking out all view of anything else. She could feel her back arching painfully and her arms and legs twitching against her will. It felt as if she were being pelted with large rocks from all angles, the pain was such a brilliant white over her vision that she no longer even saw Edward.

In the great chamber, the walls were falling in around the remaining vampires. Enormous hunks of stone and mortar collapsed and fell around him. Aro's thoughts had been silenced instantly; James took a great amount of diabolic pleasure in having gotten to witness the first death due to the crumbling building. Aro hadn't even had enough time to consider what was going on. The first and, so far, largest of the stones had landed directly upon his head; almost as if it had been planned.

However, it hadn't; and James was desperately attempting to keep the larger fragments from imitating the first upon his own head. He was growing weary, having used much of his power before this, and the task of focusing on a piece of the ceiling or wall and tossing it away from him was becoming less and less interesting for his exhausted telekinesis. While he managed to retain enough focus to shove the larger portions of the building away from him, he was not quite able to do so with all of them. Including some not-so-small sections of ceiling that rained down upon him.

James heard the deafening crunch of bones beneath stone and felt the tiniest flare of pride at the possibility that Acanthus had finally been crushed. The pride, however, was short lived when the sudden, torturous pain took over his chest.

The crunching sound had been his ribs, he realized. He wasn't breathing; he realized that was probably due to lungs that certainly had to be entirely flat based on an estimate of the weight that was on his chest. Somewhere in the undercurrent of his ever-speedy thoughts, James understood that blood was seeping from a wound on his head. His vision was slowly starting to fog up on the edges; not the kind of fog that Gloria controlled, and this understanding sparked a series of domino effects in his consciousness.

One, _he'd lost_. Which meant that Bella was in danger; a world of danger, in fact. One she probably didn't even understand.

Two, _he could never fully explain the dangers she would face_. Not in the amount of time he had to channel his thoughts to her before the fog ate up the rest of his vision. Not in a hundred years. The perils she would be facing made his stomach turn, just knowing what was going to present itself to her made his throat close up with the sheer defeat he felt at not protecting her.

Three, _his place beside her would be taken up by a man not capable of the job_. Despite Edward's most sincere attempts, and James had no doubts about the sincerity of Edward, he simply was not the man for the job. James was, and he knew it; but that knowledge wouldn't save him. His understanding of the situation would not prevent the outcome.

Four, _he had to face it._ As difficult as it would be, he had to come to terms with the harsh realities of this world.

Five, _Bella was more than he had ever imagined._ He had witnessed something that vampires considered a myth; he, himself, had been one of the first to fall to his knees before her. He'd been given an honor that, simply put, his people had yet to learn the magnitude of. He knew this because it was his purpose to know this.

Everything he had ever done, ever seen, had led him to this point in his life. The cynical side of his brain said, "_this point in his death_" but he couldn't bring himself to accept that yet. He had been conditioned, created for the events that were about to be set into motion. His soul had been waiting for this.

Every single insignificant thing that had ever happened had happened _to get to this point_. As much as his body wanted him to shut his eyes and let the events progress, minus one person, he couldn't allow himself to do it.

He was hers, and she deserved more. It was part of his genetic make-up, he had no choice but to _be_ _for her_. In every way, in all ways.

Always.


	50. Epilogue, part i

**AN**: As far as the playlist goes for this chapter, I can only say I have my "i hate kate" station playing on Pandora. My computer will not start up so I am borrowing my friend's laptop for this and it's the closest I can get to my music collection. So yeah, I'm making due.

On a different note, THERE IS A POLL IN MY PROFILE ABOUT A SEQUEL. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE VOTE. thanks :)

Also. I'll say it now, you will all probably hate me for posting this as it is. It is only the first part, though, so please keep that in mind, and I hope to finish it up in the morning but my head is pounding right now and I just want to get something out because I promised someone I would. ;) You are all going to hate where it leaves off, and I'm sorry for that lol.

Also, if you're at all as attached to these characters as I am, _**you will need tissues to read the end of this part.**_

Epilogue, part i

**NarratorPOV**

Edward hovered over Bella's thrashing body, his hands sporadically darting from her shoulder to her stomach to her thigh to her face; he'd never felt so entirely helpless in his entire existence. His heart was twisting in his chest, contorting itself every time she screamed in pain or twitched uncontrollably. His palm grazed her skin and he yanked his hand back, his skin burning where it had touched hers. Panic rose up in his throat, _what was a vampire doing with burning skin_?

The whisper of frantic thoughts reached James' mind like a breath of smoke. Her skin would only be burning for one reason, and if Edward was close enough to feel the heat, he was close enough to catch fire.

'_Run, you fool!_' was all James could offer, his consciousness exhausted with the damage to his skull starting to really develop.

Edward didn't hesitate at the order, somehow having found a strange trust for the man that remained in the crumbling building; a respect that had somehow grown deep in his subconscious. James was risking his life, was very likely about to die, for Bella's sake - that was something Edward could have nothing but respect and admiration for.

A man who shared his ideals, that was worthy of respect and trust and friendship; he didn't know when he'd realized that.

He leaped to his feet and scooped up Delia and Jasper as he fled the vicinity of Bella's igniting body. The farther he got, the more his body felt stretched and torn; the desperate desire to return to her tugged at his consciousness and his heart. He ran on, stopping only when all noise of James' mind faded. He fell to his knees facing the direction of the two he'd left behind. Delia stared out towards them beside him, her breath coming in slow, regulated inhales and exhales. Jasper remained where he was set, scooting only enough to lean back on a tree, and stared blankly in a different direction.

The flames seemed to shoot out deliberately in a single direction, seeking out Acanthus with voracious hunger and licking up his body. James heard the snapping and crackling of flame consuming oxygen and listened desperately to the last thoughts of his enemy. Acanthus' mind was filled with nothing except expletives and words like _searing_ and _flesh_. The scent of burning organs filled James' nostrils and he allowed himself to feel accomplished for a mere moment. The flames would reach him shortly and he had to move, he had to get up. Get out of the demolished, and now burning, building. He urged his limbs to move, his hands to lift and move the rock that was crushing his ribs. He mentally pleaded with his telekinesis to have enough power to lift the stone, just that and he would be satisfied. He would ask no more of his gift.

But nothing lifted and despite his best efforts to move his appendages, nothing shifted. He remained pinned beneath the fragment of ceiling and felt a sick, dark warning creep into his head.

He might actually die.

And what was worse: he might actually die due to the power of the very person he sought to live for.

The tragedy was ironic.

Bella rolled over coughing, her coherent mind finally able to kick in once she'd ignited. Somehow, releasing the flames drew her away from the crushing pain in her chest and she lifted her torso from the hard ground as she coughed harder and harder, her sore throat scratching and rough with pain every time she tried to breathe. She righted herself and kneeled as she got her balance. Standing, she scanned the area to find no one in sight; she turned to the inflamed building and inhaled through her nose. Beneath the thick smell of smoke and burning flesh, she could smell something else, something deeper. She sniffed again, sorting through the smells quickly.

She could smell him. James was in the burning building.

James opened his eyes and watched the fire eat everything around him. The desperation gradually receeded and became resignation; he simply could not move his body no matter how hard he tried. If Edward was smart he'd already fled, no one would be able to come after him. Bella had been entirely unconscious the last time he'd seen her; he had no way of knowing whether or not she was consciously catching fire. He didn't have enough energy to reach out to her telepathically; or perhaps it wasn't a matter of energy as much as it was a matter of ability to draw on his power. His consciousness was slipping further away every second.

"_Well it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know_."

modest mouse x dashboard

The silhouette of a small, feminine figure appeared behind the wall of flame, a flickering, dancing shadow of a woman. James fought to keep his eyes open. Bella stepped through the fire that burned beneath her, the pads of her feet pressing on hot ash without feeling.

"_'cause we see the world through bloodshot eyes_

_And we can't decide who's on our side_

_Everybody's screaming, we're only bleeding_"

lostprophets x everybody's screaming!!

She moved swiftly, dancing through the flames with the agile grace of smoke, twisting around fallen beams and the still falling rubble. James' still form lay a few yards ahead, a pile of stones crushing his entire chest and upper legs; she couldn't hear him breathing and his eyes appeared to be rolled into the back of his head. Her breath caught in her throat and she nearly cried out as she dove for him, her knees buckling beneath her as she reached him. A sob roughly wiggling in her throat, she whimpered his name as her hand caressed his cheek. His eyelids fluttered but he didn't seem able to move his eyes. Her hand touched his hair and came back coated in his dark blood; not understanding the situation, she moved her fingers along his skull in search of the break and found it where his head met the concrete beneath him. She felt around it, murmuring soft apologies for fingering his wound, and estimated it to be dangerously large. Her finger slipped into the crack in bone and she nearly screamed.

She turned and roughly shoved the stones and broken pieces of wood off of him, moving her attention to James as soon as everything was tossed aside. The sight of his crushed body and pooling blood filled her with a disturbing sense of dread, like the blackest of shadows moving across her body she felt the terror of losing him envelop her. She pressed her hands to each side of his face and whispered his name desperately. To her surprise, his eyes shifted and she was staring into his transfixing emerald orbs with a joy that swelled so rapidly in her chest she thought she might explode. But the way he stared at her as if he couldn't see her frightened her and she couldn't help but feel that he was living his last few seconds of life.

--

Edward stayed a good ten feet back from James' eerily still body, feelings he couldn't come to grips with were bombarding him from all angles. Delia seemed to understand that now was not the time to be cooing at Bella's feet and instead she hung herself delicate around Edward, burying her nose into his neck and silently watching the scene before them. Bella had ripped into the flesh of her own wrist with her teeth and was pressing the wound to James' paling lips. He remained unresponsive, and a knot formed in Edward's stomach as he searched fruitlessly for the sounds of James' thoughts.

death cab for cutie x _i will follow you into the dark_

Bella sighed, the soft sound stirring the night air around them, but James didn't move. He hadn't moved, not for a while now. She'd pressed her wrist to his lips until it clotted and stopped bleeding. In the stillness, Bella could hear the quiet breathing of the three other vampires keeping their distance from Bella as she hunched over James. Soft murmurs of her voice floated on the breeze between them.

"I still sketch you; I draw the smooth lines of your face from memory. I can remember the way your eyes crinkle slightly when you would smile at me, if I think about it hard enough I can even recall the exact melody of your laugh. I know I left on my own, I know I walked out of that door without any outside encouragement; and I'll say it a thousand times: I've never made a bigger mistake in my life.

I have so much to tell you, so many things I need to say." She lifted her eyes from her twisting fingers and studied his face. "I know you've been around a long time, James; I know you're probably tired of the routine of living, I know you're probably thinking that we're not worth saving - and I'm sorry for the things I've done and I know my apology is empty and lifeless and doesn't mean anything right now in the face of what's happening, but I need to say it. Please wake up.

You've shown me everything worth living for. Everything that I think about every day, I think about because of you. Because of you, I know what it feels like to really miss someone. To long for the physical nearness of someone else so desperately that _a part of you is missing_. I've felt the overwhelming desolation that bombards me merely at the thought of never hearing your voice again. I know what emptiness is; I know what it feels like to be without you and I can't do that anymore. I know I've been selfish, I know I'm being selfish by wanting you to live - _but you're everything to me._

I need you to know how desperately paralyzed I am when I think about not seeing you every day. I need you to know the important things I've realized since I left, I need you to be able to look in my eyes as I tell you everything that I should have been telling you before. I don't want to sit at your grave and whisper these confessions to you - I want you to hear them, I want you to hold my hand. I want you to yell at me and tell me I'm horrid for breaking your heart, I want you to be furious and I don't even care if you stop speaking to me.

You just can't _die_. I have to know you're out there somewhere, I have to know you're alive. I have to know these things to keep going, even if you won't be with me. I just want you to get up, I'm only asking for you to keep living. That's all I'll ever ask of you.

I've heard people say that you don't know what you have until it's gone more times than I can count but I've never understood it so well. The memory of you teases at my senses, a ghost of a past reality that I'd do anything to return to; I can remember with brilliant clarity the way your arms would wrap around my shoulders and the warm pressure of your lips on my hair." Her voice started to crack, the heaviness of her thoughts finally breaking her monologue into fragmented hiccups of air.

"But I can't remember the way your lips feel against mine, like my body is rejecting the memory in the hopes that it could move on _if only I didn't have you to compare someone else to_. But that's not true; I couldn't move on - with or without your memory. You're everything to me and if you go, nothing else exists. I need you to get up, James; I need to see the way your eyes light up when you see me. I can feel myself falling apart; piece by piece I'm crumbling to the floor without you. How am I supposed to go on like this?

I can't go on like this, James. I need you; please, wake up. Just shake this off, please. I don't want you to leave me, I don't want to do this without you. Things are changing, I know you know they are; I need you to get through this. I need you at my side, baby, please get up.

There's so much I need to say to you; there are so many things I would die to hear you say. I've missed you something tragic, James; _please don't leave me like this_,_ not with all of these things left unsaid._

If there's no getting you out of this, just tell me. Please, just tell me if there's no other way and then you can die. And I'll die too, I promise; I'll die too."

"_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i will follow you into the dark_."


	51. Epilogue, part ii

**AN:** Okayyyy, don't forget about the poll in my profile okay! Also, this is short =/

Epilogue, part ii

**NarratorPOV**

"If there's no getting you out of this, just tell me. Please, just tell me if there's no other way and then you can die. And I'll die too, I promise; I'll die too. Without you, I'm just breathing in sequence, baby; going through the motions of a life I've already left behind. _Please, don't leave me behind_."

Somewhere in the darkness there was a tiny voice, soft as a whisper and desperate like he'd never heard anyone. In the distant reaches of his awareness, James could feel the buzzing of pain dancing on the edge of his senses. There was a flaring beacon set far ahead of him, burning as white hot as the sun; he could feel its warm rays humming along his skin. And then the voice again, "James!"

The sound of his name, the common syllables of it, rang through his bones, shaking him awake somewhere in the depths of his mind. _She was calling to him._ It was natural that his body react instantly to her call, fingers twitching and bringing the distant pain closer to his senses. The hot pressure burned through his torso with every twitch and flick of his hand. "James, open your eyes!"

His eyes snapped open and the brightness stunned his retinas for a moment; when they adjusted, James realized it was nearly midnight and the sky was a clouded black that only broke apart in small spaces. The darkness of night was too bright for him.

He looked around quickly, trying to assess the environment, and he realized he couldn't breathe. He made an attempted to suck in air but the hot pressure on his chest exploded into shards of ice-hot needles. The crack of voice tore from his throat and the noise rang in his ears. Then the static started, the constant buzzing hum of the thoughts of those around him; whizzing partial words and half sentences clouded his own thoughts.

Then one clear thought, echoed by a deep, startled voice piercing his eardrums, "he hears you! Feed him again!"

A shift of brown hair in his peripheral vision grabbed his attention, granting him a single blissful second of painless thought; and he only thought one thing.

_Bella._

And then he tasted her; the heavy copper and lavender taste of her blood filled his mouth and he whimpered pleadingly somewhere low in his throat. He could feel his lips massaging at flesh, quietly begging for more. He swallowed hungrily, each mouthful easier to devour than the last.

In a sudden realization of who was actually beside him, he shifted his eyes quickly and found himself gazing lazily up into eyes that could incinerate the sun. Her eyes burned white like thousand-Fahrenheit bulbs and he sucked in a breath of air at the startling glow; the realization of his breathing dawning on him merely a fragment of a second later. Suddenly alerted to changes in his physical condition, he searched for the pain that had been consuming his chest not long before. The agony of it was gone; though there was a strange discomfort that wriggled beneath his skin.

His crushed bones were knitting themselves back together, shifting and turning until they were locked back into place. With the flood gates opened on his breathing, he was sucking in air the way a drowning man would; big, fat gulps that entered and exited his body in loud gasps. His back arched beneath him as his spine corrected itself; it felt as if his entire body expanded all at once with a massive swallow of air, filling his veins and pressing against the inside of his skin to stretch him back out to size.

Fresh color flushed back into his vision in a rush, enhancing and enlivening his surroundings; his eyes shot to and from every angle, absorbing the vibrancy. A delicate cry of relief roared through his ears just before the small figure of Bella collapsed onto his healed chest with dry weepings and murmurs of gratitude.

--

**AN:** I am posting this in small sections, mostly for me because it's easier to write that way lol. I hope you guys don't mind! There should be another part to it, but I may just go right to the sequel.

:)


	52. BigFatAN

**BigFatAN**:

Okay guys. So I've tried and tried to write the final piece to the Epilogue but the thing is that I don't know where to take it/what to say. I've been told by a few readers that they think the way it ends now is great and opens up room for a sequel, and I feel like I agree with them.

So I won't be writing a part iii for the Epiogue.

However, I _will_ be working on the sequel ;)

I haven't gotten much in the way of an outline yet, and I'm kind of struggling for where to take it. I know part of what I want, just not what I want to happen lol. I am totally opening up the lines of communication for ideas! Please, let me know of any plots you'd like to see or whatever! I am totally open to suggestion right now, and I'd lovelovelove to hear back from you.

So now is your chance,

_what do __**you**__ want to happen_?


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